Author: nieeex

Title: Street 99

Characters: Baekhyun, Tiffany, Luhan

Genre(s): romance

Status: Completed

Title (9/10)

My first impression of your title was actually pretty good. I searched it up on AFF and it seems to be the only story with that name so far, so your title is definitely original. Though it’s not one of those titles that immediately make me want to read your story, it was still eye-catching and got me a little interested.

One of the qualities a really good title should have is making the reader start questioning as soon as he or she reads it, and I think you did do that. I started wondering what is Street 99 and how it will relate to the plot of the story as soon as I saw it.

Though simple and straightforward, it’s intriguing enough for readers to stop by as they’re scrolling through fanfics. I also love how it sets the setting of the story.

Overall, I think you did a great job constructing the title. I mean, it could be better, but it’s original and thought provoking so there is no need to change it! The only reason why I removed a point was because it wasn’t as relevant to the story as I would have liked. I guess it does play a big role in the story as the location where much of the drama happened, but you did not mention Street 99 that much in the story other than in the beginning. Well, I guess that’s not really the title’s fault though.

Other than that it’s perfect for this story so almost full marks!

Description/Foreword (10/15)

I’ll be completely honest: your foreword didn’t really make me want to read your story.

You included a brief scenario from Chapter 1, but it did not really give me an idea of what the story was going to be about. However, you did include a key event from the story so good job for that. But I will definitely suggest enhancing it in some way to bring in more readers, and you need to give a better glimpse at what the plot will be like.

On the other hand though, I think you sort of made up for the lack of excitement in the story description by including the character description.

I normally am not a fan of these character descriptions, but I think in your case it was fine because your fanfic is fairly short at a length of 3 chapters, and it did make me at least a little bit more interested in reading your story.

Though very brief, it gave me background knowledge on the main characters of your story, and a bit about what their personalities are like. I especially thought it was clever of you to include “Street 99” in each of their descriptions, and you were able to show how this particular street connects with each of the characters. I think that was well done.

Presentation/Layout (5/15)

I’m not sure if your story had a poster or graphic because when I looked there was none, but there was a small image icon so maybe you had something there. But this is what I saw:

If you did have a graphic there then I’m not really sure why I couldn’t view it, but if you don’t have a poster, then I suggest getting one to capture more people’s attention. However, I’m not taking any points off for not being able to see a poster in your story, so none of the points deducted are because of this.

But I did see a poster in Chapter 3, and I think that was good enough.

In terms of your layout, it wasn’t terrible but one thing that really annoyed me was this:

Normal - Baekhyun's POV

Italic - Tiffany's POV

Bold - Luhan's POV

This is why I took off so many points in the layout category. Bold and Italics are used to enhance your sentences, not for Point of View. I had no idea why you laid out your story like this, but I definitely suggest changing it.

Italics can be used to show character’s thoughts, so when it was Tiffany’s POV, I couldn’t tell what part was narration and what part was her thinking.

For example,

Original: I looked up at him. Wow, he sure is handsome.

Correction: I looked up at him. Wow, he sure is handsome.

Since the narration of the story and the thoughts are now separated, it becomes much easier to read.

Also, italics are often used to tell flashbacks and such, so this may confuse your readers. Plus, reading full paragraphs all in Italics and Bold can be annoying. Instead of what you have now, I suggest doing this:

Luhan’s POV

asfjkldafjalskdfadfds.f.a….a.fdf.

ajdkfjslafjslfkjsaldfkjafdsfdafasahlkjsdfhljakdfhjkldsfhkljahlkjfdkjldfljfldjljkfahjlhafgjlhafljfafhljakhflajlfhlakd.

Tiffany’s POV

asdfkalfjldafja;skfjas;lkdfj;klsadfjkl;ajfk;laf!!

adfsdfjaklfjk;aj;jlksf.

Or even better, why don’t you make a new chapter every time you switch point of view? Anything but the bold=Luhan, italic=Tiffany, normal=Baekhyun that you have now.

Also for layout, I think your paragraphs are too big which can be irritating to the eye. Occasional long paragraphs are okay and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with large paragraphs, but sometimes you continue on in the same paragraph even when you have to make a new one.

For example,

Original:

I walked out of the practice room, body full of sweat after the dance class. Today, Narin and Kaeun was not paying attention again. But this time, I decided to just leave them alone and let them talk about how their new boyfriends kissed them and attacked their tongues. How fast are children these days progressing. When I was that age, I even found my dad’s kisses disgusting and perfectly avoided everyone of those kisses he tried to give me. I- My thoughts were cut off by the hand that was grabbing my wrist. Before I even get a chance to pull away, I was dragged into a dark, narrow alleyway. “What.. what do you want?” I tried to avoid his sloppy kiss, aiming for my lips. It reminded me of my dad and I. Damn, I was really skilled. “Didn’t I make it clear enough?” he smirked before aiming for my lips again for the second time. I dodged well again. For the third time, he used one of his hands and forcefully made my head stay in place. This time, there was no way to avoid anymore. I screamed for help as he crashes his lips, filled with alcohol against mine. I bit on his tongue and he pulled away then glared at me. “I’m not interested! Go away!” I screamed at him. He shut me up with another sloppier kiss of his. I bit his lips again. Once again, he pulled away and glared at me. “No, go away! I said I’m not interested!” He was about to crash his lips onto mine once again when a loud voice could be heard.

Correction:

I walked out of the practice room, body full of sweat after the dance class. Today, Narin and Kaeun was not paying attention again. But this time, I decided to just leave them alone and let them talk about how their new boyfriends kissed them and attacked their tongues. How fast are children these days progressing. When I was that age, I even found my dad’s kisses disgusting and perfectly avoided everyone of those kisses he tried to give me. I-

My thoughts were cut off by the hand that was grabbing my wrist. Before I even get a chance to pull away, I was dragged into a dark, narrow alleyway.

“What.. what do you want?” I tried to avoid his sloppy kiss, aiming for my lips. It reminded me of my dad and I. Damn, I was really skilled.

“Didn’t I make it clear enough?” he smirked before aiming for my lips again for the second time. I dodged well again. For the third time, he used one of his hands and forcefully made my head stay in place. This time, there was no way to avoid anymore. I screamed for help as he crashes his lips, filled with alcohol against mine. I bit on his tongue and he pulled away then glared at me.

“I’m not interested! Go away!” I screamed at him. He shut me up with another sloppier kiss of his. I bit his lips again. Once again, he pulled away and glared at me. “No, go away! I said I’m not interested!” He was about to crash his lips onto mine once again when a loud voice could be heard.

The first paragraph shown above is unnecessarily long. Isn’t the second version much better? I’m not saying your paragraphs have to be divided like this, but just a suggestion. Just remember that you at least have to start a new paragraph when a new person is speaking.

Other than that, the font is fine and easy to read. I noticed that you switch the font sometimes in the middle of your story, and it would be nice if the whole fic was all one font. However, I didn’t really mind this and I’m sure your readers didn’t either. No points deducted for the font, but just a suggestion.

Writing Mechanics/Writing Style (15/30)

Overall your grammar and punctuation wasn’t too bad, but I still spotted several mistakes.

One thing I noticed was that there are some commas where there should be periods in your dialogue. Here are some examples from your description. The correction is in bold and the corrected section is in red:

Original: “Yes, my wrist hurts a bit,” I looked up at him.

Correction: “Yes, my wrist hurts a bit.” I looked up at him.

Original: “Nope, I’m fine,” I stood up and finally got to look into his eyes.

Correction: “Nope, I’m fine.” I stood up and finally got to look into his eyes.

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