[September 13th Seoul National University Hospital 9:53 PM]

.

Loneliness had always been his companion. No matter how many people swarmed around him, how many fans screamed his name, or how well he was known around the world, he had always felt lonely. Throughout the years, he had been fortunate to find a few lost souls that made his life somewhat bearable. But, as life always does, those little bits of happiness often disappeared as fast as they had appeared. When he met Yunho, Changmin, Junsu, and Yoochun all those years ago, he really began to believe that he could have a normal life, a life where he felt accepted, loved, and needed, but that had ended tragically. He had lost the man he had loved and the little brother he loved like his own due to their own foolishness.

 

That loss was heartbreaking enough, staining his heart and soul with unbearable regret, but somehow he had managed to live through it with the help of the two who had never abandoned him. But, even with them by his side, supporting him the whole way, he had never felt whole. The emptiness he held in his heart festered and festered until it turned into a deep-seated bitterness that affected his whole outlook on life. He treated people coldly, never trusting anyone new, and took out that bitterness and mistrust out on everyone.

 

When he first met Nikki, he thought her equally non-consequential; a person not worth knowing; a person that would only hurt him in the long run; but after time he finally realized his folly. She was such a kind woman, so loving and so supportive, and she understood his own hurt far better than he had himself. Being around her, getting to know her, and understanding her heart, mind, and spirit, he had slowly begun to let go of all that pain little by little and found himself feeling happier than he had in a very long time. She had become more than just a company staffer; a foreigner; a replacement stylist; she had become his dearest friend. And now she was hanging on by a thread.

 

What had happed that night, the fight that he had ultimately known would come, had been a confrontation lingering in the back of his mind since that fateful day when they walked out of their old company’s main offices for the final time. He knew it would happen eventually, that everything that the three of them had left unsaid would come to light one day, and he had secretly hoped that it would never come.

 

In his mind, he would have gladly kept the status quo –living a life without Yunho and Changmin- if it meant staving off any reoccurrence of what had happened years ago. The anger. The tears. The fear. The anguish. The feelings of betrayal. The loneliness left in the split’s wake. He would have gladly lived in obliviousness and mock happiness rather than tearing down the walls that had confined their raw and unadulterated feelings, but the moment he was offered redemption, a way to make amends, his heart defied his instincts and begged for a reunion. It was something he had always wanted, something his heart had begged for every day since they left, and he couldn’t bring himself to say no. He had to try. He had to take that chance. And of all the people in the world who he had never wanted their haunting past to hurt, it had been Nikki who had borne the brunt of it.

 

He had been afraid...so afraid that he needed the only person who gave him strength, besides his brothers, by his side...and that choice had nearly taken her very life.

 

Three days had passed since the night of the accident. Though the doctors reassured everyone that Nikki was healing well, that her body was on the mend, their hope was dwindling little by little. The swelling in her brain had finally reduced, her sporadic seizers that had occurred the first night after her surgery had ceased, and her inter-cranial pressure had finally returned to optimal levels. Everything was going well, better than the doctors had hoped, and yet consciousness was still eluding her.  There had been no movement, no sign of her awakening, and the world felt as if it had come to a standstill for those that loved her.

 

While Jaejoong and the Director had spent every bit of their time and energy holding a silent and determined vigil at Nikki’s bedside, trying to stay strong for their most beloved Noona and praying for her recovery with desperate longing, Junsu couldn’t bear to be in the same room with her. He couldn’t bring himself to look upon her and see what his foolishness and lack of control had caused, yet he couldn’t bring himself to be away from her either. Many times, since the moment they arrived at her hospital room the night of the accident, he tried to step over the threshold and run to her...to be by her side...but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t face what he had done, nor speak the painful, heartbroken, and regretful words that crushed every inch of his very spirit.

 

Unable to face her, and unable to tear himself away, Junsu did the only thing he could: stand vigil by her doorway. After the first day, the nursing staff had taken pity on the nearly destroyed, stoically silent, yet handsome young man that had ended up sleeping on the hard linoleum floor, curled into a ball, in the hallway and slowly began to treat him not only as a family member but subversively like a patient. He was so distraught, so lost in his own pain that the staff couldn’t help but feel for him. They wanted to help him, to heal the hurt, but no matter what they tried, Junsu’s heart had never wavered.

 

His precious Noona, the woman who had stirred feelings in him that he never thought he would ever feel in his life, had grown to become the only person in the world that had the ability to make his smile truly genuine. With her sincere heart, unflinching loyalty, and gentle spirit, she made him feel far more special than a screaming crowd of millions, winning a Grammy, or even performing live on television for all the world to see. She was so special, so unique, and the thought of losing her was tearing him apart. 

 

He had acted like a fool, giving into all the rage, pain, loneliness, and feelings of betrayal that he had suppressed for so very long, and lashed out at his brothers. So lost in his own pain, he had not only struck her but had inadvertently stripped all the hope and love she had for them down to her very core in one heated moment. He had destroyed all that was right and good in their little world in a matter of moments, breaking her heart, and wounding her –far too deeply than any physical damage ever could have.

 

He should have never opened his mouth. He should have never let all the repressed anger that he had been holding in for well over four years bubble over at the mere sound of Changmin and Yunho’s name. He should have never lost his temper and shown her the side of him he never wanted another living soul to ever see. But he did. He did it all. And now she was lost to him forever.  No matter what the outcome of the days and weeks to come, he was sure he had lost her. She would never be able to forgive him for what he had said and done. The pain he had caused would never be healed. The trust he had broken would never be mended. And the love he had destroyed would never be restored. The happiness he had found in her, and with her, was over...he could never face her again.

 

“It’s late,” muttered the Director softly from the small sofa just under the window ledge covered in vases upon vases of flowers in Nikki’s hospital room. “You really should get some dinner, Jae.”

 

“I’m not hungry,” replied Jaejoong softly as he glanced up at the clock on the wall and noted it was nearly ten.

 

“I didn’t ask you if you were hungry,” scoffed the Director. “I said you need to eat.”

 

“You go,” sighed Jaejoong as he shifted in his chair beside Nikki’s bed and rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb. “I’m fine right here.”

 

“No you’re not,” retorted the Director. “You’re a basket case with the lid on too tight.”

 

Jaejoong chuckled slightly, the sound seemingly breaking the silent tension in the room for a moment.

 

“I know,” he sighed.

 

“You’re worried about her,” stated the Director. “I get that. And I really do appreciate your dedication to our Noona, but you can’t neglect your health just to be by her side every waking moment, Jae. You need to eat properly and you need to rest properly as well. The longer you stay like this the more in danger you’re putting your own self. Sacrificing your own health will not make her wake up sooner, you know that right?”

 

Jaejoong just nodded. The Director was right, he knew he was right, but leaving her alone just didn’t feel right.

 

“I’ll stay,” offered the Director as he glanced at the doorway and caught a glimpse of Junsu on the sofa just outside, dead asleep. “So why don’t you take a break?”

 

“Go home,” he prompted. “Take a shower, relax a bit, and grab something decent to eat.”

 

“I...I...” stammered Jaejoong. “I don’t want to leave her.”

 

“I know you don’t,” nodded the Director. “But you need a break.”

 

“I promise to look after her while you’re gone. I’ll stay right beside her the whole time,” he smiled. “So, just get out of here for a few hours.”

 

“All...alright,” sighed Jaejoong in acquiescence. “As long as you promise that, if anything happens, you will call me immediately.”

 

“I promise,” smiled the Director. “You will be the first to know.”

 

“Ok,” sighed Jaejoong.

 

Standing up from his chair, Jaejoong leaned and looked at Nikki for a moment before placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

 

“I’ll be back Noona, I promise,” whispered Jaejoong softly.

 

 

 

[September 14th: Seoul National University Hospital 3:00 AM]

 

Unable to find any real respite from the stress and worry of his dearest Noona’s situation, Jaejoong stood in the hospital’s elevator and waited for the doors to open onto the ICU wing. He had done what the Director had asked of him. He had gone home, made himself a decent meal, and taken a long, hot shower, only to end up tossing and turning in his bed for hours. No matter how hard he tried to fall asleep, his mind and heart refused to relax enough to let him. Frustrated, and feeling somewhat guilty of abandoning his friend to find his own comfort, he had torn himself out of bed and decided to return to Nikki’s bedside.

 

As the elevator doors opened on the sixth floor, Jaejoong released a deep sigh and made his way down the hallway to her room with his eyes inadvertently using Junsu’s statuesque form as his guiding star. When he arrived at her doorway, he looked down at Junsu’s sleeping form and sighed deeply.

 

“Noona will be ok, Su,” breathed out Jaejoong softly as he reached out and petted his dear brother on the head lovingly and took in the disaster that was Junsu. “I promise.”

 

 “You will get a second chance,” he whispered gently, leaning in and pecking Junsu on top of his head. “So, don’t worry.”

 

Straightening up and letting out another deep sigh, Jaejoong straightened his shirt a bit before venturing into Nikki’s hospital room. When he rounded the corner of the partition wall that obscured the doorway from the rest of the room, he suddenly came to a dead stop. The room was darker than it had been a few hours ago, only a lowly beaming light from the corner of the room illuminating the air, and Nikki was alone. The Director was nowhere in sight. Crossing the room quickly, Jaejoong immediately checked on his dearest friend. She was still unconscious and nothing seemed out of place, so where had the Director run off too?

 

“He promised me he wouldn’t leave her,” grumbled Jaejoong irritably.

 

Turning on his heels, he made his way out of the room. Sparing a glance at Junsu for a quick moment before making a beeline to the nurse’s station a few feet away, Jaejoong could feel his ire and worry rising with each, and every, step.

 

“Excuse me?” prompted Jaejoong as he grabbed the attention of a young, and fairly good looking, male nurse, standing behind the counter.

 

“Yes, Mr. Kim?” responded the man. “Is there something wrong?”

 

“Have you seen Jin Sang lately?” he questioned.

 

“Yes, Sir,” he replied as he raised his hand and pointed down the hall. “Ms. Lee had another visitor while you were gone. Mr. Choi took him down to the waiting room...down there.”

 

“Thank you,” nodded Jaejoong.

 

Making his way down the hallway, towards the waiting room, Jaejoong couldn’t help but wonder who the visitor was. There had only been a few people to come see her since her admittance. Most of them had been previous artists that she had worked with, those that she had considered very close friends, but that had only happened the first day. There hadn’t been any visitors, save for their little brotherhood, since.

 

Just as, Jaejoong hit the doorway that led into the waiting room, he instinctively stopped and hid against the wall when an all-too-familiar voice rang out.

 

“You shouldn’t be here,” sighed the Director.

 

“It’s not safe,” he added.

 

“I know,” sighed another male voice.

 

“But, you weren’t picking up your phone,” the voice continued hesitantly. “We didn’t know what was going on; then we saw the news, about your sister, and them. The reports were saying all these terrible things about them and I was worried.”

 

“I appreciate your concern,” sighed the Director after a brief silence. “And I’m sure that deep down they do too. But you can’t really be here. What if someone sees you, Yunho?”

 

Yunho. gasped Jaejoong softly, immediately throwing his hands over his mouth in shock.

 

“It’s a chance I had to take, Jin,” replied Yunho. “After everything that’s happened, I had to come. I had to know what was going on...”

 

“And whether or not,”

 

“Whether or not, what?” questioned the Director.

 

“Is...your sister,” hesitated Yunho. “Did this happen because of us?”

 

“What are you talking about?” questioned the Director incredulously.

 

Yunho let out a deep sigh in frustration.

 

“They’re very close aren’t they?” he questioned. “Your sister and them?”

 

“Yes, they’re family.”

 

“And she’s a fan from way back too, isn’t she?” prompted Yunho.

 

“She is,” replied the Director. “What’s your point Yunho?”

 

“Did she get into that accident,” he questioned slowly. “Because of us, them? Did she get hurt because of the reunion project? Is it our fault she ended up like that?”

 

Jaejoong’s heart immediately sank with guilt as his eyes suddenly began to tear up.

 

“Oh, God, no,” gasped the Director. “What in the world would make you think that?”

 

“Jae,” choked out Yunho. “He was supposed to tell the others, about the contracts, wasn’t he? He did it, didn’t he....and she was there, wasn’t she?”

 

“She was there,” nodded the Director.

 

 “Oh, God,” breathed out Yunho as he collapsed on a small sofa in the waiting room and dropped his face into his hands.

 

“Yunho? What’s going on?” questioned the Director, surprised at the man’s reaction to his answer.

 

“It’s just like back then,” sighed Yunho.

 

Suddenly a memory from the past hit Jaejoong dead in the face and the silent tears that had been pooling in his eyes cascaded down his cheeks completely unhindered.

 

Oh, no... thought Jaejoong.

 

“What are you talking about?” prompted the Director.

 

“They won’t be able to handle it again, not again,” muttered Yunho worriedly before looking up at the Director.

 

“When we fell apart...There....there were deaths,” he sighed. “Fans, took it hard...so hard that they...”

 

“I know,” immediately interrupted the Director, hoping to stop Yunho’s train of thought in its tracks. “Don’t worry Yunho...that’s not what this is... History is not repeating itself...”

 

“Noona didn’t step out in front of that car on purpose. This is not anyone’s fault. It was an accident. Just an accident, I promise.”

 

 “How can you be so sure?” questioned Yunho.

 

“Because,” he answered. “I know my sister. She would never do that to the five of you...ever.”

 

“Trust me,” pleaded the Director softly.

 

As Jaejoong’s tears continued to fall, he listened to the deep silence that immediately fell between the two men and hoped that someone would just say something.

 

“All...alright,” sighed Yunho a few moments later. “If you say so...”

 

There was another short moment of silence and then Yunho spoke again.

 

“How...how is everyone?” he questioned with a worried sigh. “Are they ok?”

 

“They’re managing,” replied the Director. “Yoochun is handling this in his own way. He’s so worried about her that being around her hurts too much. So he’s keeping his distance.”

 

“What about Jae?” prompted Yunho worriedly. “Is he taking care of himself properly? Is he eating? Getting enough sleep? He’s not running himself ragged is he?”

 

“A bit,” answered the Director with a slight chuckle, amused that even after all this time Yunho still knew Jaejoong so well. “He’s being far stronger than I would have given him credit for, but he’s handling it as best as he can in this situation. He and Nikki have built a very strong friendship, and because of it, he’s trying his best to keep his head about him and not break down –being brave for her sake.”

 

“You would be proud of this version of Jaejoong, Yunho,” the Directed added pointedly. “I know I am.”

 

“And Su?” choked out Yunho a moment later.

 

He had seen the man sleeping in the hallway. He didn’t even have to ask but felt he must.

 

“Not good,” sighed the Director deeply.

 

“Because he’s in love with her,” nodded Yunho.

 

“Yes,” answered the Director. “How did you know?”

 

“The footage at the accident scene,” replied Yunho as he looked up at the Director. “The ones the bystanders took...I saw it...”

 

“To everyone: the press and the public, he just looked worried,” he added hesitantly yet definitively. “But that wasn’t what I saw. It was nothing but fear I saw in his eyes. He was terrified. I’ve never seen that look on Junsu’s face before, ever, and I just instantly knew.”

 

“He’s blaming himself for Nikki’s condition,” informed the Director bluntly. “He thinks that what happened to her is his fault. That he caused all of this. We’ve tried to tell him that it has nothing to do with him. That it was just an accident, but...”

 

“His heart isn’t listening,” interrupted Yunho.

 

“Yes,” sighed the Director.

 

“Will she, will she be ok?” he questioned hesitantly.

 

“I have no doubt,” nodded the Director. “She will be fine, and then some.”

 

“Nikki is the strongest person I know. She’d never go out like this,” he added. “She loves everyone far too much to leave this way.”

 

“Well, for what it’s worth,” sighed Yunho gently. “I hope you’re right. She seems like such a lovely person, I really do hope that she gets better soon.”

 

“Thank you for that Yunho,” slightly smiled the Director as he let out a soft sigh.

 

“Well,” added the Director a moment later. “You should get going before anyone sees you.”

 

“Yeah,” sighed Yunho. “You’re right.”

 

“Just do me a favor, will ya?” asked Yunho. “Since, right now, the world won’t let me...will you take care of them for me? Protect them?”

 

“Please,” he begged softly.

 

“You have my word, Yunho,” promised the Director. “I will watch after them as if my life depended on it...in your stead.”

 

“But only until,” he added almost lovingly. “You can take up that mantle properly once more.”

 

“Thank you,” replied Yunho gratefully.

 

As the sound of shuffling feet echoed from the room, Jaejoong suddenly started, immediately realizing that if he didn’t hide somewhere fast he would be caught eavesdropping. Darting down the hallway as quickly and as quietly as he could, he bolted into the very first unlocked door he came across. From the interior of the small bathroom, he now found himself in, Jaejoong watched down the hallway through the crack in the door as Yunho exited the waiting room into the hallway with a bouquet of pale pink roses in his hands. Dressed in blue jeans and a black jacket over a dark tee, Yunho turned around to look back at the Director from underneath a baseball cap, handed the man the roses, and said his goodbyes. Jaejoong watched as Yunho headed down the hallway and disappeared near the service elevators at the far end of the ICU wing while the Director headed back to Nikki’s room with an almost sad look on his face and sighed heavily.  

 

Closing the bathroom door for a moment, Jaejoong did what he could to bury the hints of panic, unbearable sadness, deep guilt, and pure loneliness that churned within him. The fact that Yunho had been there, had come to see Nikki and check on him and his brothers, had been so unexpected that he hadn’t known what to think. At first, he couldn’t understand why Yunho would come to the hospital, take the risk of being seen by the swarm of reporters skulking outside, just to see the Director and subsequently check on everyone’s condition. Yunho had always been a very caring person when they were together. He would often time send flowers or visits sick loved ones of company staff or friends out of the goodness of his heart. That was just the way Yunho was, but he had never thought in a million years that Yunho would dare to try and come to the hospital for them.

 

Shaking the memories of days gone by that tried to force their way in his mind, Jaejoong took a deep breath and let it out slowly a few times and tried to calm himself down enough to face the Director with mock oblivious of the night’s goings-on. After a few minutes, he stepped out of the bathroom and made his way back to Nikki’s room. As he walked through the doorway, and just before he stepped around the partition to let his arrival be known, he stopped suddenly when he heard the Director’s voice once more.

 

“Can you see them?” questioned the Director as Jaejoong peeked around the corner and noticed the man sitting on the edge of Nikki’s bed, holding her hand, and looking at the vase of pink roses now sitting on her bedside table. “Someone brought you your favorite flowers.”

 

“Guess who brought them?” he questioned lovingly as looked back at her face. “It was Yunho. Your one and only Yunho.”

 

Your? questioned Jaejoong suspiciously.

 

“You always swore that Yunho was a good man,” he continued. “That there was no one else in this world quite like Jung Yunho. Even when the world and the fans hated him, you stood by him. You knew that he could never abandon anyone he had come to care for, ever, and especially not his brothers.”

 

“And you were right,” he smiled. “He’s worried about them. He’s afraid, for them.”

 

“They are in pain, Noona,” he frowned. “Jaejoong is trying to be strong, but he’s hurting. Yoochun feels so lost without you that he hasn’t left his house in three days...and Su...your beloved Su is so riddled with guilt that he’s falling to pieces without you.”

 

“And Yunho can feel it, sense it,” he added.

 

“He loves them...like, you love them,” he sighed. “And, he wants to protect them like you want to protect them. But he knows he can’t right now and that fact is killing him little by little.”

 

“It’s so heartbreaking.”

 

There was a long silent pause as the Director let his last sentence linger in the air for a moment.

 

“You told me a long time ago that you wanted to protect them and that if you ever got the chance, you would do anything and everything in your power to keep them safe and happy,” began the Director once more. “It was a promise...you not only made to me, and to yourself, but one you silently made to them. One that you swore you would never break.”

 

“You're breaking it right now,” he advised. “You know that don’t you? They are unhappy and hurting because of you because they are worried about you; afraid that you will leave them forever.”

 

“You can’t let them think that, can you Noona?” he questioned. “You never wanted to hurt them, to make them feel pain because of what you said and did. And now they are. They love you and they miss you...so much.”

 

“So you need to wake up,” he begged. “Open your beautiful eyes and smile at them and tell them that everything is going to be alright. That you still love them. That you will never leave them.”

 

“That’s what they need. They need you. Now more than ever,” he begged softly.

 

 “So, please, Nicole...wake up.”