One of the women staff helped Myungsoo treated his wounded hand. Myungsoo liked her. She was like a sister to him, a noona, a reliable noona. Kim Yurim was cool. Just like Myungsoo, she only says what was important, very careful with what and whom she spoke and she wasn’t easily judge people. She believed in facts and proves, not some lousy rumours or stupid gossips because she knew better. Yurim was protective too. Myungsoo knew she loved Infinite so much and could do everything and anything to protect them as she was a fan to Infinite herself too. Maybe because of that he and she could click.

Yurim didn’t even ask why his hand was bleeding. She just did as Myungsoo asked, put the antibiotic ointment since Myungsoo already cleaned the wound and the bleeding had stopped. She covered his hand with sterile bandage neatly like she had done it millionth times before or like a professional nurse.

Once done, she looked at Myungsoo. “Does it hurt?”

Myungsoo nodded. His throat was tight and hurt. Not to be rude but he was not in mood to talk. He pulled back his hand and checked it. It stung and felt like burning inside, hot and sore. “Thanks,” he muttered.

Yurim laid back on her stool and folded her arms across her chest. “Next time, try broke the hand or something.” Myungsoo shot a glace to her. “I’m fine.”

“Yes, it’s totally normal for a fine person to punch a wall. Luckily the injury is minor, L,” she sighed. “I won’t ask why you punch the wall because you always punch the wall every time you have something in your head. L, how many times I said if you ever have problems, come to me. You know you can trust me. This…punching wall thing isn’t healthy. Should I remind you that you’re a singer not a boxer? Even as a boxer, you don’t punch a wall,” she was really a noona to Myungsoo. Nagging and all. Noona? Try umma.

Myungsoo blinked rapidly and looked away. Emotions laid bare across his face. He had always left himself exposed with Yurim in ways he couldn’t around others, something which had never changed over the years and which Yurim had never taken for granted. He let out a long breath. “It’s different this time,” he said cold and bitter.

“I can take different well,” her eyes were on him, big and full of concern.

Myungsoo swallowed and put his thinking cap on. His heart started to race again too. He was asking himself either he should say actually his wounded heart that wounded his hand? Should he say about his ual orientation? That he attracted to a boy. He didn’t know himself. Maybe he was not gay. Maybe he was bi. He didn’t know. He knew he didn’t know ing anything. And honest to God, he hated not know nothing.

Should he say about his affection, his stupid crush on Sungjong? Should he say how Sungjong kills him every day? Should he say how he hates Hoya for being a little bit too close to Sungjong more than usual lately?

Should he say about how he feels so insecure about himself, about the whole damn thing?

Not that he wasn’t trust Yurim with his secrets or anything. They had shared many secrets from these past years, ever since he was still a trainee and not one had leaked to anyone. But this was big and really private. He wasn’t sure if he told Yurim about it will make him feel better or worse.

Oh, he didn’t want to talk about fate. That just made things worse. Fate will be the last thing that he ever wanted to discuss. He didn’t want to talk about how fate made him fall in love with Sungjong or how fate made him suffered good time or how fate literally ed his life up as L and Kim Myungsoo, inside and outside. No. Big no. Just no.

Some people called fate as a gift. Whatever was meant to be, what would be, will be. Takes a couple of tries and we will get there. But Myungsoo begged for differ. He dared to say fate was a cruel sense of humour. He never got a little memo thing that says fate was actually wonderful after he caught himself in the middle of this mess.

Fate liked fearless but he was a coward.

As usual, Kim Myungsoo, first class er. Yay.

Thinking again, he was just angry – at himself the most.

Suddenly, Myungsoo’s upper body was jerking. He had troubled with breathing and Yurim wondered what was wrong. She barely heard soft whimpering sounds. As she lowered down her head as Myungsoo’s level, she saw that his face glistened with freshly shed tears. 

Things got a few notches deeper when Yurim asked for his problems. Maybe he got a little soft. Maybe not. Sometimes the idea he might be getting soft made him sick. Myungsoo didn’t know if ‘out of it’ was the right phrase because it seemed to him that he was more ‘out of it’ than ‘in it’ if that makes any sense.

It took a lot of sleepless night and restless days to finally come to conclusion that he undoubtedly in love with Sungjong. And he didn’t want to let the forbidden love go even it gave him so much pain. How to appreciate sweet if he didn’t taste the sour first, right? Again, he wasn’t sure himself if he ever could taste the sweetness. Life was full with uncertainty.

This.. was exactly one of those times when the line between ‘keep holding on’ and ‘just let go’ became a thread-like. He might be a coward but he was not stupid. And stupid wasn’t proved by words or confession but action. So, he was gonna fight. He was a coward fighter. Myungsoo just hoped he won’t regret this.

Myungsoo.. got to a point where he can’t stop thinking about someone he can’t have and even though he know he can’t, he knew Sungjong worth it all.

Just hold a bit longer, a bit tighter because Sungjong.. Sungjong is everything.

Masochist. Myungsoo was a masochist.

Yurim frowned. Her soft woman’s heart hurt, stabbed sharply by guilty and self-loathing. She guessed she went too far off from her limit. Why she can’t accept ‘different’ as the answer and get over it?  Frankly, Myungsoo’s silent tears were disturbing. The soft sobs made her cell brains failed to function well. She looked down at Myungsoo pitifully. She felt sorry for not be able to at least ease the pain away but she just added it instead.

Myungsoo didn’t bother to glance up at the slim arms that encircled his shoulders and rocked him through his shuttering sobs. He felt like a total loser. First was Sungyeol, then Yurim. Who was next he needed a shoulder to cry on whenever a question about his love was asked?

Such a cry baby.

Myungsoo would scoff at someone’s face if that person told him love could make people happy. This.. what he was facing, what he was feeling, certainly a far long from happy. This was depression, frustration, hopeless and pathetic.

After awhile, Yurim released Myungsoo from her apology hug and nodded her head in understanding. If Myungsoo didn’t want to tell, then she shouldn’t force. Sooner or later, maybe after he was ready, he will come eventually. Maybe. She put her hand on Myungsoo’s shoulder and squeezed it a bit, patted it in soothingly way. “Cheer up, little brother. I hate seeing you so miserable. Throw away the frown you’re wearing. You look like crap with it.”

Myungsoo smirked a little when he heard Yurim. That reminded him why he liked her. She wasn’t a pushy. Took a few tissues from the box she offered, Myungsoo wiped his own tears.

“You know how and where to reach me. Now go, I have works to be done. I have a date later and I don’t want to be late. Move your to somewhere else. Go, go, go!”

Myungsoo’s smirk turned to a small smile. He stood up and walked towards the door before said, “See you later.”

“Later,” none of them were turned their heads to each other but they knew both were waved their back hands. They got this mutual understanding that not only other people but themselves couldn’t understand they had. Like a real siblings.

Myungsoo walked back to the practice room.

Sunggyu, Dongwoo, Woohyun and Sungyeol didn’t sure if they could say with the absence of Myungsoo too that they were actually short of three members instead of two who went to hospital, the remaining Infinite boys could still practice their dance but it felt incomplete and they were not really in mood. To back to dorm and rest, it was too early. And where was the fun if they slept all day? The plan was pretty dull. So, all of them were stayed and practised their solo performances.

The two oldest members, Sunggyu and Dongwoo were practicing together since Dongwoo will be singing Sunggyu’s Because on their encore concert and Sunggyu will be rap for Myungsoo’s solo stage. Sunggyu was the main vocal while Dongwoo was the rapper yet that didn’t mean Sunggyu can’t rap and Dongwoo can’t sing. When Dongwoo sang and paused, Sunggyu would continue and rap with his lyrics from Myungsoo’s song, making mash up between Dongwoo’s Because and Myungsoo’s Dating You. Then he and Dongwoo would laugh, heads threw back, sharing a few high5s. On the other side of the room, Woohyun and Sungyeol were fooling around.

Were they just doing a dirty dance? Myungsoo thought.

“I really want to do Hoya’s y dance,” Sungyeol said. “Like this one,” he laid low to the floor with one hand supporting him from the back, legs opened and doing the pelvic dance. Woohyun quickly stopped him. “Yah, yah, yah, don’t. Do not do that,” he said to Sungyeol and helped him up. Dongwoo was already died from laughing and Sunggyu just smiled and shook his head.

“Why not?” Sungyeol asked with his normal high pitch voice.

“One; Hoya is flexible, you are.. well, stiff. Two; it’s dirty not y. Fans will be scared. Three; it’s sup