I decided to listen to my hermit crab and let go. Yes, my performance was not exactly the most remarkable, but at least I managed to let go of the pain I felt. The fear and nervousness and anger that I kept bottled up for so long just evaporated right before me. I broke free from the chains that kept me prisoner to my own conscious because I let go.

It was as if a heavy weight was lifted as I left backstage and quickly changed into my regular clothes. As I went out, I caught a glimpse of Kangin and Leeteuk sitting on a bench, talking and laughing together. Leeteuk had his hand on Kangin’s, and my raccoon-like friend seemed to be bathed in bliss. I sighed in happiness for those two, silently wishing that I had a camera to capture that moment. This was the last competition they entered before marrying and launching their careers together as a concert piano duo.

I returned to the hotel room with a relieved sigh. It was over. My last performance was over and dealt with. I logged onto my computer, and searched up the competition discussion boards. Already there were dozens of reviews of my performance:

‘This sixteen-year-old, Kim Jaejoong (is that his name?), should not even BE in this competition! Such an immature unmusical performance, on top of sloppy technique and horrid accuracy! Kiddy competitions would suit him better than a wide-scale professional competition like the Queen Elizabeth!’

‘He’s SOOOO cute! I just want to eat him up!’

‘I’m quite impressed with his performance. Despite being only sixteen years old, he showed that difficult repertoire could be done in one sitting. Not only that, he is good-looking and his smile at the end just melted my heart. Bravo, Jaejoong! I’m hoping I can hear you once again in Round 2!’

‘Although his performance was not perfect, I found it quite inspiring. I mean, where else would you find a sixteen year old brave enough to challenge the most difficult repertoire in the history of classical music? I doubt he will make it into second round, but I have no question that he will make a name out of himself in the near future.’

‘I disliked his performance, but I loved his smile. He smiled as if he really enjoyed himself on stage. He’s a brave kid, that’s for sure!’

As I read through my competition reviews, I made three conclusions:

1. My performance was horrible. Enough said.
2. The only credit I had was that I was the youngest in the competition and the one who chose the hardest repertoire.
3. I was cute.

‘Close enough,’ I thought, rolling my eyes. I grinned in spite of everything, and actually felt that it was a success. Why? I had no idea. I just did, and I was happy for myself nonetheless. ‘I succeeded just because I succeeded.’

My professor returned to the hotel room several hours later with takeout. Luckily for me, he mentioned nothing about my terrible performance except for a lifeless “Bravo”, but I could still feel that he was disappointed with me.

I, on the other hand, pushed the thought of disappointment to the back of my mind. There was no time for something as trivial as that.

Instead, I used the last days to tie up the loose ends. I changed my flight time to an earlier date seeing as I had absolutely no chance of making it past first round. I sent an email to my home account (the one that my whole family used and accessed) and told them that I would be returning right after the results come out, deciding not to specify any reasons. I emailed my mother about my plan of transferring out of the conservatory to study at a university near home (heck, I was even willing to wait until the next year to apply for university if all came to worst; I never wanted to go back to the conservatory). Then I emailed Heechul and told him that I would be returning home; he would totally lash out on me if I did not tell him every single detail of my itinerary. Lastly, I notified the conservatory that I would “not be capable of attending the school anymore due to personal and emotional issues”; they never emailed back.

The last loose end that needed tying up was revealing my plan to Yunho, and for that, I decided to tell him personally. It would not have been fair otherwise.

I was going to tell him everything, from how I felt about him to how I was no longer able to attend a school with such an intense and competitive environment. I was going to make things clear and set things straight. I wanted to leave without regrets.

On my last day in Belgium, I had everything planned. I knew what to do and my future depended on it.

“Yunho?” I inquired shakily, tentatively grabbing his sleeve.

“Hmm?”

“C-Can I, um, talk to you?”

My professor smiled amusedly. “Of course you can.”

He sat down on the bed and patted the place beside him. I happily obliged.

“Yunho, you have been very nice to me ever since you met me, and I really appreciate you as my professor.”

Yunho smiled and ran his hand through my hair. “I like your speech already!”

I giggled nervously. “You always take care of me and always cheer me up,” I continued. “You always make me feel special even when you have no obligation to.”

“You are like my son,” Yunho said, not knowing how much those words stung at my heart. “Of course I have an obligation.”

“Well, I’ll get to the point now,” I stammered, gulping. It was time to tell him that I was leaving for good and that I loved him like a lover, not like a father. “I, um, I want to, um…”

“You want to what, Jaejoongie?”

“I want to,” I took a deep breath, “go sightseeing!”

.

Yunho seemed taken aback at what I just said, but then laughed out loud. “Why didn’t you say so? Let’s go now!” He stood up and grabbed his coat.

I chuckled nervously, cursing at myself. ‘Good going, Jaejoong!’

“What are you waiting for?” my professor was already at the door, waiting for me with a grand smile plastered on his face. He seemed more excited about our expedition than I was.

Then again, I figured that I would not have minded spending my last day with Yunho happily touring around the city and eating a huge bowl of ice cream together. With that blissful thought in mind, I jumped up from the bed and followed him out the door with a huge grin on my face.

Yunho and I did some touring, went to a nearby amusement park (it was there where I learned that Yunho was absolutely terrified of Hellevators), and shared a bowl of spaghetti ‘Lady and the Tramp’ style at a restaurant. I pretended that he loved me the same way I loved him, and I pretended that we were a real couple whose lives were intertwined and whose souls were connected. I pretended so well that it almost felt real. I was having the most fun in my life, and I could only pray that Yunho felt the same way.

We stayed out until the sky turned pitch black and the street lamps were the only sources of light. I insisted that we walk back to the hotel building instead of take a taxi like Yunho suggested. “It’s only a few blocks away,” I pointed out. “There’s no need to pay taxi fare for that.”

I wanted to walk because I knew that it would be the last time me and Yunho would be able to stroll down the streets hand in hand, fingers sewn together. I took this opportunity to press our shoulders closer together to feel his warmth against my cold skin, and squeezed onto his hand just a tad tighter than usual. Whether or not Yunho noticed these little actions, I had no idea. I did not care.

Before we entered the warm building that held our hotel room, I pulled my professor into a deep sincere hug. It was a surprise to him—I knew from the tenseness in his muscles—since it was one of those rare times when it was I who initiated any sort of intimate action. I hoped that he did not mind.

“Thank you,” I breathed out, my voice coarse.

Yunho said nothing. He only hugged me back and squeezed my frail body closer towards his chest. One of his hands was on the back of my head while the other was draped around my waist. He buried his face into my shoulder-length hair that seriously needed a trim.

We were two people embracing each other during the night under a streetlight. At that moment, time stopped, and we were living in a four-dimensional world. I never wanted to pull out of Yunho’s embrace, but I did anyways. Unfortunately, when my inner hermit crab told me to let go, letting go of Yunho was part of the packaged deal.

By the time we arrived at our shared hotel room, we were drained of energy and tuckered out by all of the fun we had with each other. I flopped onto my bed and let out a contented sigh while Yunho pulled a blanket over my thin form. He kissed me on the cheek and started to head towards his own bed. I stopped him by holding onto the end of his shirt.

“Yunho?”

“Yes?”

“C-Can you sleep with me tonight?” I whispered in a low voice.

My professor’s breath hitched at my words. “Why?”

“I-I’m afraid of the dark,” I lied.

I thought that he would laugh and decline, and was startled when he actually consented to my wishes. He slipped into the bed beside me and switched the lights off. I snuggled closer to him and sighed in content as he took me into his protective arms. My head was against his chest, listening to his strong steady heartbeat. Our legs were entangled. I felt his hot breath travel down my nape and spine. We were one.

At dawn, my eyelids forced themselves open. I reluctantly slipped out of my professor’s strong arms and silently started packing my belongings, checking to see if everything was in place. I checked my email and noted that my flight home was in six hours. I had still not told the sleeping figure of my plans and the reasons behind them. Instead, I left a note beside his bedstead.

When everything was ready and it was time to leave, I walked towards my slumbering guardian angel and bid a last goodbye. I straightened the sheets and pulled them over his muscular form, watching as his large chest lethargically rose up and down. A blotch of water fell onto his flat cheek and I realized that I was crying. Before I knew it, I stole the one and only thing that I had ever stolen in my life.

I stole a kiss on Yunho’s lips.

“Goodbye.”

I was on the plane home several hours later, doing my best to hold back my tears. Though I tried not to, I wondered about what Yunho would do once he woke up to find me gone, luggage and all. I wondered if he would ask the whole hotel if they had seen a thin boy with messy black hair walking around with a large suitcase and a backpack. I wondered if he would panic and scramble around everywhere, calling my name. God forbid, I wondered if he would cry after knowing that I would never return. Half of me hoped he would while the other half hoped he would not.

Contrary to what I desired, I did not leave with a light heart. I had one regret right after I boarded the plane. The note that I left behind had three words on it, but it was not the magical touching three words that I intended to write. The three words written for Yunho to read once he woke up were sorrowful and filled with lament. I was too weak and too afraid to express my true feelings, even on paper, and I deeply regretted that. I had no courage. My three-worded note read as so:

‘I am sorry.’

I was on the brink of crying when a bird rested on the windowpane outside of the airplane. It was a small sparrow, and when it turned its head towards me our eyes locked.

‘Let go,’ the bird chirped before swiftly flying away out of sight.

The plane took off. A single tear streamed down my face and I did not bother to wipe it away. The city below me slowly disappeared underneath the clouds.

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Jaejoong left! Nuuu!
But remember that this is for the best.
Also remember that the story is not over yet.
Thank you for all your support!
I really appreciate you guys, my dear readers!