It crept into me as silently and surreptitiously as a jaguar slips through the darkness of the jungle. By the time it attacked, I, the prey, would have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. Paranoia was a psychological poison that devoured you whole if given enough time.

My paranoia had made a comfortable niche in me, and it was given plenty of time.

Once I was granted my parents’ permission, I sent a recording of one of my most recent performances to the Queen Elizabeth International Competition headquarters, and my training officially intensified. Practice was the only thing on my mind. Back then, I figured that it was just because the pressure was getting to me. Now I know that practicing was the only thing I could do to retain my sanity—to keep my mind off of the growing pain of not seeing the one I loved oh-so-much.

Without further ado, I gradually became ‘aware’ of the dirty looks other pianists gave me when they thought I was not looking. I became afraid of walking down the hallways for the fear of seeing Yoochun just around the corner. I was frightened of leaving my dormitory in the mornings, and once I built enough confidence, I was usually seen scurrying nervously into the elevators, hoping that nobody saw me. I found myself trembling at the prospect of leaving my practice room to go to the library, and after a while, I just gave up forcing myself to leave and never visited the library anymore no matter how much I missed it. I became terrified of going to cafeteria in fear of facing another judgmental stare, and my health deteriorated by a landslide. Feelings of frightened insecurity became the norm. My practice hours increased drastically, and on the thirty-first day after Yunho left, it came to the point where I was reluctant to leave my practice room, period.

It was the first sign of severe agoraphobia.

To make a long story short, I changed. Drastically. I was only subconsciously aware of it at first, and was in heavy denial the whole time during my transformation from a naïve little boy to a fearful jungle critter.

Paranoia is a consistent and clever disease. If it manages to control you long enough, you become so suspicious of others that you start doubting even yourself. I would know since it happened to me. That was when Changmin gave up on me. That was when I became Yoochun.

*Flashback*

“Jaejoong, you practice too much,” Changmin said, sitting on a chair beside the piano bench. He visited me as often as he could, careful not to stir up any suspicions from the outside world. Everyday, he would come and watch as I practiced, concern coating his face like a warm wool blanket. “Do you want to take a rest?”

I grunted, my fingers still moving painfully across the monochromatic keyboard. It was my sixth hour of practicing and it was starting to take its toll on my finger strength. I ignored it, though. I was still not playing perfectly.

“Do you want to go for a walk or something?” he asked tentatively. “Perhaps we could go to the cafeteria and eat together.”

That was a hasty offer that escaped his mouth. Changmin would do anything but be seen with me in public. ‘Did he really care about me that much?’ I shook that thought away from my tired little head. “I need to practice.”

“You’ve been practicing for six hours straight!”

“I am planning on practicing for six hours more, thank you very much.”

“You might get tendonitis,” Changmin said with worry in his voice. “You might hurt yourself and never be able to play the piano again.”

I grunted again, paying no heed to his words. “I am still making mistakes,” I answered lifelessly.

“Everybody makes mistakes, though,” he countered.

“Not everybody,” I replied.

“Player pianos don’t count,” Changmin pouted.

I made no response.

Then Changmin totally exploded. “JAEJOONG, LOOK AT YOURSELF!”

I stopped playing, surprised by his sudden volcanic eruption of anger.

“You haven’t combed your hair for weeks; I can tell that you haven’t eaten anything since your cheeks are all sunken; and you look as if you haven’t slept well for days. Jeez, have you even slept at ALL lately? You look absolutely horrid! You look like a living corpse!”

For the first time in my life, I felt so old. “Your point?”

“WELL, STOP IT! It’s not good for you!”

I shrugged. “I need to practice.”

“Practice, practice, it’s always practice. You know what? You are not the Jaejoong I once knew. The old you used to smile through his mistakes and accept that fact that he was not perfect. The old you could manage to smile through the worst mistake possible! The old you loved to play the piano just for the fun of it—for the joy of hearing classical music. The old you was not afraid of anything. Jesus, Jaejoong, the old you knew how to live life.” Changmin was breathing hard. Something in him was shifting. Something in both of us was shifting.

“I’m living life right now, aren’t I?” I muttered at my friend, but Changmin just continued to rant.

“Living?! You are hardly living at all! Look at yourself! Right now the only thing you do is practice. It’s like your religion! Practice, practice, practice! You are becoming obsessed and delusional with your playing, like an anorexic girl is with her figure. What is your purpose, Jaejoong? To improve? To get better? Well, I’m going to tell you something right now, Jaejoong. The only thing you are doing at the moment is setting yourself up for destruction. Yah, that’s right, I said it. You are going to FAIL if you keep doing this to yourself. You know why? I’ll tell you why! It is because you lost your trust in the world, Jaejoong!”

I blinked wistfully. ‘Where did I hear that before?’

“Jaejoong,” Changmin exhaled slowly. “Please just stop torturing yourself. I can’t take the sight of it any longer.”

I smiled cynically, eyes overcome with corrupted darkness. It was the same look Yoochun gave me when he threw me to the floor that traumatizing day. “Then leave,” I answered coldly before I continued practicing.

My friend—if you could consider him one anymore—sighed resignedly. “I tried,” he whispered hoarsely before walking out the door.

Once I heard the door close, I shrugged and kept practicing.

*End of Flashback*

Loneliness meant insecurity and fear for many people. It ate you up slowly but steadily and eventually your heart would not be able to stand all of the depression it inflicted on you. Practically nobody could endure such torture of being isolated from their own species. Changmin was no exception, but I did not realize that back then.

In spite of his outburst, he continued to visit me in my practice room just to flee from the terrible epidemic called loneliness. He was even kind enough to bring me lunch whenever I just could not make myself walk out of the door. He never talked during his visits anymore, though, and neither did I for that matter. It was just a silent time for us two, and neither of us bothered to make an effort to change it. The fact that there was some other living breathing person with an actively pumping heart a mere five meters away was enough for both of us to safely escape the intense lonesomeness one felt in a bloodthirsty environment like such. We were just two birds trapped in the aviary of ferocious competition.

Sometimes while I practiced, I would hear the mellow and tired chirp of a large bird nearby. Whenever I did, I pressed my head onto the piano ledge and cried.

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Short chapter, I know.
But this one is important, as it describes Jaejoong's transformation into Yoochun and it describes in detail of how Yoochun became the way he did.
Yunho returns the next chapter and saves the day (sort of)! Stay tuned!