The sun was shining and the birds were singing. A pleasant smell of flowers mixed with the sweet scent of summer was caught in the slight breeze and without a doubt this day was best spend outside. Xiumin on the other hand didn’t want to go out and hadn’t felt any urge to do so in a long time, but Luhan wouldn’t hear about it. That’s why Xiumin found himself walking on the sidewalk to an unknown destination with the same person that dragged him out of the apartment to enjoy the day.

“I’m really not sure about this-“

“Well I am” Luhan was dead set about taking Xiumin out for the day “You need to get out and refresh your mind.”

Xiumin’s hands were fidgeting and he kept glancing around to see if people were looking at them, protest after protest on the tip of his tongue. Luhan either chose not to comment about Xiumin’s behavior as well as his mood or he just ignored it.

“Can you at least tell me where we are going?” Xiumin was more than uncomfortable by Luhan’s idea of ‘refreshing his mind’. He felt like every person they passed by could see right through him and read his thoughts, he really didn’t want that. Not now, not ever.

“I’m just gonna take you around for a walk” Luhan shrugged not really sure himself where they were headed to. As of the moment he was thinking about going to the park. Maybe have a stop on the way since the walk to the park would take around forty-five minutes to one hour and the coffee shop called ‘Cozy Coffee”, which was the same place he and Chanyeol visited only a little over a week prior, lay perfectly on the way. Whatever they would do after they got tired of roaming the park was something Luhan would think of at that time.

Luhan had waited for Xiumin to come to him with his obvious problems as Chanyeol’s advice had said, but it had already been 2 weeks since Luhan had taken Xiumin under his wing and the boy had not once sought him out to talk. He didn’t really expect Xiumin to flop down next to him on the couch and start to put his thoughts into words for Luhan to hear, or for the smaller to climb into his bed at night, wake him up and tell him about the nightmares that kept on possessing his sleep. But what Luhan had more hoped for was a sign that he wanted to open up to him, wanted to be comforted or wanted to work through his loss but Xiumin had been as closed off as he had always been since the tragedy happened.

Since that day.

Luhan lightly shook his head, not wanting to think about their problems right now. He was on a mission and that was to make Xiumin forget the past if even just for a second.

They soon reached the Coffee shop and the doorbell rang above their heads as they pushed the door open to enter, the barista behind the counter gave them a big smile as they approach her.

“Welcome, what can I give you two?”

Xiumin had found a place by the window and sat down while Luhan ordered for them just like the first time the smaller experienced the wonderful taste of coffee. He was so glad that the coffee shop wasn’t crowed since it was a weekday and most people were at work or schooling at this hour. Only an elder couple could be spotted in the other end of the shop but they didn’t seem to notice the duo at all which Xiumin was thankful for. He kept on tensing every time a pair of eyes glanced in his direction or when they passed by a group of people on the streets. He couldn’t exactly point out why he reacted that way but he knew that hiding behind Luhan wouldn’t be enough to ease his mind. He was feeling as though those stares were judging him and silently questioning his existence. He doesn’t understand his confusing thought and why that is what he is currently thinking about but he has never had problems about being social back home.

Back home.

It seemed like such a long time ago since his family and the workers at the temple got brutally killed but the thoughts were fresh as if it happened yesterday.

He didn’t feel ready to face the world yet and if he has to be honest he thinks that he never will be.

Xiumin was afraid of moving on, with the knowledge that if he did, it would have to be without his dear parents by his side. He felt guilty for even having the thought of living his life as if nothing happened, as if he wasn’t bearing the memories of murder.

Xiumin wasn’t blind though. He knew that Luhan was trying his very best to make him move on, to become the person he once was. He just didn’t feel ready to show that side of him yet, afraid that if he did, his parents would fate away from his mind. He couldn’t bear the guilt for thinking about happy things while his parents were no more with him. He should never have left the temples, his foolishness lead to a death he could have joined respectfully with the people he cared for. Instead they died alone, not knowing what came from the shadows to take their lives.

What if…

“Xiumin, here” Luhan gently pried Xiumin out from his thoughts. The smaller male looked at the cup of steaming coffee being placed on the table in front of him before shifting his gaze to Luhan as the other took a seat in front of him. Luhan flickered his eyes up to meet briefly with Xiumin’s before he lost the eye contact. Luhan sighed from the lack of progress in their relationship or what you want to name it, and he was back to square one of hopelessness. He thought that maybe Chanyeol was wrong and Xiumin would never rely on him, ever. Not even when the smaller had learned to live with his loss and would just move out when he felt like he was ready to face the world alone. Luhan didn’t like the thought of that though.

On the other hand Xiumin felt just as hopeless. Guilt kept on stabbing him no matter what he did. He wanted so badly to forget what happened but knew he couldn’t, he simply wasn’t allowed to forget such a mistake.

Then there was Luhan.

He knew that Luhan was doing what he could to help him, and he was grateful beyond words that he wasn’t alone. He wanted to give Luhan anything in return but knowing he owned nothing made him frown.

What could he do.

They continued on to the park and upon reaching it Xiumin again sighed in relief when only a few people where spotted. He got confused however when Luhan unexpectedly took his hand and laced their fingers together in a light grip as if to make sure the contact was okay.

“I know it’s not easy but…” Luhan’s voice was gently, soothing “try to stop thinking, and start to feel instead.”

Xiumin frowned knowing it was nearly impossible but he didn’t want to disappoint Luhan so he closed his eyes to better focus on his surroundings. He felt the grip on his hand tighten as if to say everything is okay.

He could hear the birds singing and the smell of the trees were drowning the scents from the city. He felt the warmth from the sun and the cool breeze fly by and play with his hair. Xiumin couldn’t deny that it felt good and he started to enjoy it as seconds flew by. But somewhere this nagging feeling kept on surfacing and Xiumin nearly had a heart attack when he identified the emotion.

Nausea hit him like a tornado and he fell to his knees. Flashback after flashback kept on appearing in his mind like a thunderstorm as the feeling of his whereabouts felt all too familiar.

Like a Deja-vu…

He couldn’t breathe and tried to desperately claw at his chest to stop the stabbing pain from continuing. Unknown of what panicking state he made Luhan go through, he just kept on trying to get air down into his needy lungs.

Energy got knocked out of him and he felt like he was gonna black out again.

Luhan didn’t think when he saw Xiumin falling apart in front of him. He didn’t think when he hurriedly hoisted the smaller up into his arms and half ran to the nearest bench to sit down with Xiumin in his lap.

He rocked them both from side to side, trying to make the other calm down by mumbling small but meaningful murmurs into the smaller’s ear. Seconds passed by and Luhan noticed Xiumin was still trembling like crazy, not at all calming down like he hoped. Luhan ignored his shaking hands as he grabbed on to the sides of Xiumin’s head and made him look into his eyes.

“Xiumin, Xiumin I’m here, it’s okay” he made sure that Xiumin focused on him and when their eyes met he found it hard to breathe as he stared into tearful crystal blue eyes.

“I’m here” he repeated trying to somewhat calm himself down too with his soothing whispers. It worked on Xiumin and after five long minutes he was lying still in Luhan’s embrace, breathing also slowing down to soft pants. Xiumin inhaled the comforting scent of the taller and noted that he didn’t want to move away despite them being in public. Not that he thinks that he can actually move on his own seeing that his body is all limp.

No words was exchanged between them, not even when they silently made their way back to Luhan’s apartment after Xiumin could use his legs again without stumbling, agreeing without words that going home would be for the best.

Luhan would lie if he said he wasn’t disappointed. He had thought that whatever happened at the park would somewhat trick Xiumin into opening up, even just a little. 4 hours have now passed since they came home and silence was still filling the space between them. No matter what he did Xiumin wouldn’t show him even just a glimpse of his mind. How was Luhan supposed to try and fix something he cannot see?

He felt like a failure. Hadn’t he showed that he was trustworthy? Luhan to be honest was scared. Scared of whatever was going on inside Xiumin’s head. Whatever it was Luhan knew that he shouldn’t be facing that alone. He wanted desperately to help but maybe Xiumin just simple didn’t trust him enough. If that was the case, Luhan had to learn and respect that, even if it meant eternal guilt on his side. Wasn’t there anything he could do besides being patient and wait?

He stood in front of his bed, staring it down with a glare like it was its fault that he couldn’t open Xiumin’s shell. He failed as a friend and that thought alone made him realize the value of their friendship. He felt depressed for not being able to help the other, to lead him to do the right decisions, and to hold the sorrow with him so he wouldn’t be the only one to walk with his weighing past on his shoulders.

He fell down on his bed with a groan. A mild ache was starting to form in his head and with a sigh he crawled up to his pillow, not bothering to pull the covers from under him.

No matter what, he just had to wait for Xiumin to be ready. Luhan just had to be by his side as the only thing he could do.

Another groan escaped him as he snuggled further into his pillow, making himself comfortable and closing his eyes with yet another sigh. He snug one of his hands under the pillow to fluff it up but stopped when his fingers made contact with a different material than expected. Luhan sat up with a frown decorating his face and moved his pillow out of the way to reveal a small letter. He his bedside lamp in order to see better and picked up the piece of paper that made him more and more curious for each passing second. Turning the letter in his hands for a mild inspection he noticed that it had his name on it, stating clearly that it was made for him beside the obvious fact that it was placed under his pillow.

Eagerly he opened it up, knowing the only person whom it could be from was Xiumin.

I’m sorry…

I can’t seem to open up yet.

Talking about my feelings and thoughts are just something I’m not ready to face yet.

But I’m not good at hiding them either, wearing them like I’m wearing my clothes.

I can be read as easily as an open book.

But even in books you sometimes have to read in-between the lines.

Because even though I at times want to scream out loud…

Or beg for somebody, anybody, to take me away from my miseries.

I still keep on saying in a reassuring voice that “I’m okay.”

When in reality…

…I’m not.

A/N: 

Well for some odd reason I feel like I rush my writing...

I didn't really want for there to be any comments from myself in the updates but tsk couldn't hold myself back.

So...

HERE I AM!!!

MUHAHAHA

Thank y'all for supporting me and this story eventhough it took me a decade to update XD it means so much to me and it makes my day to read your comments (so please do keep on writing them)

I promise that the next chapter will only take around half a decade this time!