Thirty-eight
Work, Play...Bliss"Ren? Oh, crap! REN!! Can you hear me?" A concerned voice broke through the black. "What happened?! Where's Dong Ho?"
"I don't know." My voice even sounded foreign.
"You have to get up! You are ice cold! Come on!" He tugged at me.
"Leave me alone!" I pushed him away.
"NO!" He yelled. "Get up now!"
Stunned, I got up. Stumbling, Jr put his arm around my waist. "Why are you here?" I asked as we walked.
"I had a bad feeling so I came home. Good thing I did! Let's get you home." He supported most of my weight as my legs were numb.
Unlocking the door, he leaned me against the wall. "I am going to see where Dong Ho is. Stay right here, okay?" He met my eyes, waiting for an answer.
"Fine!" I said flatly, looking away.
Jr walked away. A few moments later, he came back. "He's not here!" Taking out his phone, he texted. "Where R U?"
As we walked towards the ladder, Jr's phone rang. He put it on speaker as he held me up.
"I'm looking for Ren!" Baek Ho sounded winded.
"He was curled up on the sidewalk not far from the bus stop. What happened?" Jr glanced up at my face.
"Long story! Is he alright?" Baek Ho's voice was serious.
"No! He's definitely not alright."
"I'll be there soon!" Baek Ho abruptly ended the call.
Jr glanced at me, tucking the phone away. "Let's get you warmed up. Climb up the ladder." Jr let me go first. I did what he asked. When we reached the top, he had me sit on the bed while he went into the bathroom. I heard the bath starting up. oA moment later something smelled good. Roses and lavender I thought. Coming back out, he knelt down in front of me. "Are you hungry?" He asked gently as he untied my shoes, slipping them from my still numb feet. I shook my head. Easing me upright, he led me to the bathroom. "Get undressed, and into the tub. Understand? I'll be back in a bit with some hot tea." He waited for my nod, then turned and left quietly.
Sighing, I undressed. A moment later, I heard voices. I knew Jr was confronting Dong Ho, but I just didn't care. It was like a small piece that connects my heart to Dong Ho was broken. Slipping into the hot water, I began shaking. Hiding my head in my arms, I cried silently.
After a few moments, I heard him enter. "What happened?" His voice was hard.
"Get ou!." I stated plainly.
"Where did you go?" His voice was moving closer.
"Nowhere!" I replied flatly.
"I didn't see you anywhere!" He sat on the toilet.
"I took a few steps away from the bus stop. You disappeared! Then I over to the sidewalk, and fell to my knees. I curled into a ball and cried until I passed out. GET OUT!?" I screamed the last.
Hearing him stand, he shuffled to the door. He waited. Reaching up, I ripped off the necklace he'd just given me. Sliding the ring off my finger, I put both in my palm, and tossed them at his feet.
He bent down and picked them up. Looking at me for a moment, he put them on the counter, then left without another word.
After what seemed forever, Jr came back. Slipping inside with my mug, he shut the door. "Are you okay?" I shrugged. He came over, handing me my large, black mug. "Drink this! I'll find you some clothes."
"Can I sleep with you tonight. I just want to be held. Nothing else!" I made it clear what I needed as I met his startled eyes.
It took him a bit to recover. "Yeah... Alright!" He replied softly. He slipped out. I heard the heated discussion explode on the other side of the door. I ignored it, not caring anymore. After a while, Jr came back in with my clothes. He laid them on the counter. "I'll be back in twenty." His voice was rough from the verbal confrontation. He left, and there was nothing except strained silence.
Laying back, I stretched out. The water felt cold even though my skin was bright red. My mind was blank. My heart was empty. Twenty-five minutes later, I got out. Sitting on the edge of the tub, I watched the water swirl down the drain. How fitting!
Jr came in. Glancing up, I felt hollow. "Can I help?" I shook my head, and he handed me my clothes. "I'll wait for you downstairs." He left silently.
I dressed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and combed my hair. A well-practiced routine. Opening the door, I found Dong Ho in bed. His back was to me, but the bed on my side was open like a weak invitation. Shutting off the light, I climbed down the stairs.
Slipping in with Jr, tears streamed down my face, but I felt nothing. Jr held me close until sleep granted me an escape.
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I woke up to an empty bed. Stretching, I stood and pulled Jr's bed together as a thank you. Quietly I ambled to the bathroom. A note explained that they reported me sick, and left me home.
I sat on the edge of the tub. A huge hole gaped where my heart used to be. Then, the first flames of anger ignited. I stormed up the ladder. Yanking open the closet door, I grabbed the large duffel bag I'd moved in with. I packed my clothes for the next few days, and anything I'd need. Glancing around, I decided that I didn't want my stuff up here anymore.
Taking the duffel bag down the ladder, I set it by the door. Taking out my phone, I called my mom. After three rings, she answered. "Hello, Ren! This is a surprise." Her voice sounded happy.
"Can I come home for a few days?" My voice cracked halfway through.
She didn't hesitate. "Of course! Come home, sweetheart! I'll be waiting."
"Thank you!" I said quietly.
"Hurry home! I love you, Min Ki!" She said warmly.
"I will. I love you, too!" I ended the call before she could hear the sob tear its way out of my throat. I held my middle tightly until my body calmed down. Going back up the ladder, I got the boxes out of the closet that I had flattened after moving in. After twenty short minutes, all my things were packed in the four boxes. I left the big, white bear Dong Ho had given me in what seemed an eternity ago on the bed. Managing to get them down the ladder, I stacked the four boxes in the corner of Jr's room.
I texted Manager Nim. "I'm really sick so I'm going to my mom's for a few days. I am very sorry!"
"Take as long as you need, Ren." Was his simple, and understanding reply.
Next, I texted Jr. "Going home for a few days. Already cleared it with Manager Nim." Slipping my phone away, I grabbed my sunglasses, leather backpack, sweatshirt, coat, and slung up the duffel bag over my shoulder. I locked the door. Walking to the bus stop, I wondered if I'd ever come back.
My mind was completely blank as I rode the bus. Just like someone had flicked a switch then turned it off. As the bus stopped, I robotically got off. My feet knew where to go. My mom was waiting with open arms as I walked up. Hugging me tightly, she held me for a while. "Come inside!" She invited with a loving smile. "Put your things upstairs, then come down to eat."
"Where's Auntie?" I mumbled, shutting the door behind me.
"She won a trip to Taiwan. She'll be back in a week. Now, get going!" She went to the kitchen while I trudged upstairs. Opening the door to my room, pain swelled in my chest as I remembered my first night with Dong Ho. Tears slipped, and I brushed them away hurriedly. Dropping everything on the bed, I sped back downstairs, trying to run from the memory.
Mom had one of my favorite meals waiting. It was quiet, but comfortable while we ate. I helped with dishes, then followed her to the living room. She sat on one end of the couch. "What do you want to do?" She asked softly.
Curling up beside her, I laid my head in her lap and cried. I couldn't hold it inside anymore. She covered me with a blanket from the back of the couch. Running her fingers through my hair like she did when I was younger, her voice soothed. "It's alright! You're safe! Let it out, Min Ki. I'm here. Let it all out!"
I cried myself to sleep as she watched over me.
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The next morning, I woke to the delicious smell of bacon and eggs. Then the yummy scent of coffee followed was the final straw to get me off the couch. As I stretched, I realized mom had just let me sleep on the couch. Going up to my old room, I noticed mom had moved things around so the bed was open. I smiled to myself. It was really good to be home. Getting straightened up, I wandered to the kitchen. Grinning, I stood in the doorway. Everything smelled delicious.
"Good morning, sleepyhead! You look a little better." She greeted as she added a few things to the table.
"Morning, mom! Sorry." I murmured, moving over to her.
She hugged me tightly. "There is nothing to be sorry about. Go sit down! It's been a while since I made you breakfast." She smirked softly.
"I've missed you so much!" I brushed tears away as I sat down. "Thank you!"
Pouring me orange juice, she asked. "What do you want to do today?"
"Don't you have to work?" I glanced up at her.
"I took two days off to tend to my sick son!" She grinned. "We can both have skip days." She brought over two plates, then two large mugs of creamy coffee.
Wrapping my hands around the hot mug she gave me, I took a sip. "I'm not sure what I want to do."
"How about a few games of tiles to decide?" She offered, sitting across from me. Just then my phone rang. Looking at it, Dong Ho. I glanced up at mom.
"Go take it, but not too long, or the food will get cold." She shooed me off.
Getting up, I walked into the living room. "What?" I answered, anger getting the best of me.
"What did I do?" His voice shook with emotion.
"Doesn't matter. I'm slowly putting myself back together. I think it's best if we aren't together." I hung up. Turning off the phone, I went back to the kitchen.
"Sorry!" I plopped down on my chair.
"You should know that he came by early this morning, searching for you." She reported, sipping her coffee.
I frowned. That was a surprise. "What did he say?"
"He talked to me about what happened from his standpoint. Then he knelt by you while you were sleeping. He watched you sleep as his tears fell quietly. After a while, he hugged me, and left." She replied, watching me closely.
I didn't know what to say. At one time that would have touched my heart, making me want to rush back to his side. But now... "I am empty." Gazing down at my plate. " I am tired of hiding and trying to do a couple's things just to have it fail so miserably. Just one official date...Just once I wanted him to look for me when I was lost..." I felt the sting of more tears as I dismembered my eggs.
"He is beside himself thinking he's lost you. You still mean the world to him!" She smiled softly, wrapping her hand around mine.
"Did he say that?" I gazed at her.
"It was underlining everything he said, and didn't say." Silence followed. I rolled things around in my mind as I finished my breakfast. "I invited him for dinner. You can't run from your heart, and Dong Ho is in your heart, Min Ki." I nodded, gazing up at her. "Hurry up, and finish your orange juice!" She nudged my glass closer.
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After helping clean up, along with several games of tiles, I felt better. Turning on my phone, I noticed two voice mails, five messages, and three missed calls... All from Dong Ho. The voice mails were right after he'd called. "Please don't shut me out! We don't need to be apart! I love you!" The other was simply, "You win." That squeezed my heart. The five messages were from a few minutes ago.
1- "Shouldn't be together? At least tell me what I did."
2- "You shut your phone off thinking I'd just go away?"
3- "You aren't going to forgive me this time... Are you?"
4- "Guess I should have taken the hint when you moved all of your things out and left. Something I do all the time."
5- "Tell your mom... I can't make it."
"No!" I cried, hitting his number quickly. It went to voice mail. "Please... Call me as soon as you get this... I love you!" Ending the call, I realized that it just might be too late.
I needed a shower, and maybe I'd figure things out drenched in hot water. Taking clothes, and my phone, I slipped into the bathroom. Halfway through my shower, the phone rang. Scrambling, I grabbed the phone. "Hey!" I hoped it was Dong Ho.
"What did you want?" Short and cold. I suppose I deserved that. I could almost feel his broken heart through his voice.
"Please...Come to dinner!" I asked softly.
"Why? What more is there to say?" He sounded close to tears.
After a moment, this new, dark anger flared. "You have rotten moods, and you've hurt me twice... Bad! I have one... No, I guess you're right. There's nothing to say!" I hung up. I blocked his calls and everything concerning him. Turning off the phone, I finished my shower as my soul burned with a hollowing sorrow I could barely handle.
Drying off, I wiped the mirror clean. Staring closely at myself, I realized that it was over. I sat on the edge of the tub. I couldn't breathe. My heart burned with a searing pain I'd never felt before. Tears dripped like blood. "It's over!" Echoed in my mind over and over. I felt like I was dying.
Dressing hurriedly, I grabbed my stuff and stumbled to my room. Falling on the bed, pain engulfed me as I curled into a tight ball. Sometime later sleep dragged me under, where nightmares awaited eagerly.
When I woke up, I was covered in blankets. Late afternoon washed mom in golden light as she sat in the chair by the window reading. Glancing over at me, she smiled worriedly when she saw I was awake. "Are you alright?" She asked, closing the book, and coming to sit beside me. When I met her eyes, I shook my head. "Is he coming for dinner?" She moved the bangs from my face. Shaking my head, I rolled over away from her as the pain erupted again. Laying her book on the dresser, she lay next to me. She held me while I cried out the wretched pieces of my heart. It felt like my soul was coming out in broken chunks with each sob that tore out of my mouth.
After what seemed like forever, she murmured. "I wish I could protect you from everything, but love is above everything. You'll have to figure it out on your own but I am always here for you, for anything... Games, meals, coffee, and a shoulder to cry on. Come to me, Min Ki, anytime!" She reassured me as she held me.
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We'd spent the rest of the afternoon talking about everything; work, the other boys, new foods I now liked, and foods that I missed from her kitchen. When I was completely calm, we talked about Dong Ho. I told her my side of things, and she said she needed to weigh things first. When she was sure, she'd talk to me about my predicament. I watched her fold up the blankets she'd covered me with, and put in the closet. "Let's play a game of tiles, and decide what's next on the agenda, okay?." She ruffled my hair as she passed, walking down the stairs to the kitchen.
After losing four games in a row, snacking, and drinking coffee, I felt guilty. "I'm sorry you wasted your skip day!" I frowned.
Pinching my cheek, she grinned. "I got to care for you, so I wasted nothing. I just wish I could mend that broken heart, but that's not my job this time."
She winked at me, taking our coffee mugs to the kitchen. She left me to pick up the game. Beating me every game since she'd calmed me down put her in a really good mood. Finding her by the sink, I stood next to her. Smiling, I asked. "Want to go out to eat? My treat for all your loving care?"
"Know any good places?" She dried her hands off on a pale pink towel.
"A few! Go and get prettied up. I'll take you out for the night." I grinned, loving the idea.
"Are you going to pretty up too?" She asked, beaming at the idea.
I was at a loss for words. "Do you want me to?"
Resting her hand on my shoulder, she met my eyes. "It's who you are, Min Ki! Don't let Dong Ho, the creep from the pool hall, or anyone else dictate who you are!" She pinched my cheek. "Now, get going!" Shooing me to my room as she went to hers. I grinned. Damn, I had missed her, and being home much more than I thought.
Twenty minutes later found me dressed in black and dark purple, and feeling sassy. Mom came out about the same time, a vision in royal blue and silver. "You look wonderful!" I smiled proudly.
"So do you! Love the shirt!" She walked by getting her purse and keys. "Ready?"
Grabbing my black leather backpack, I slipped my phone in the front pocket and slung it over my shoulder. "Yup!"
Closing the door behind us, she asked while locking the door. "Do you want to walk, drive, or ride the bus?"
"Your choice. Your skip day!" I winked, waiting for her to walk down the stairs.
"Walk? We'll show off a bit." She tossed her keys in her purse. Holding my arm out for her, she wrapped her arm around mine. "You have grown stronger, and taller." She smiled proudly.
"And you're sweeter and prettier than ever!" We walked, window shopping a bit on the way. She decided on Spaghetti after I gave her a few choices. It had been a long time since I'd taken her out to eat. Having forgotten all the pain and problems for a while really was a blessing.
After we finished eating, we talked more. She moaned that she'd burst if she didn't walk off some of her meal. So walking it was. In a small booth, she found an amethyst and turquoise scarf she loved. I bought it for her with matching earrings and a pendant. When she protested, I smiled brightly. "My way of saying thank you for all the love, and taking care of me!" She flustered but hugged me tightly.
As we turned the corner, she yawned. "Ready to head home?" I asked softly, wrapping my arm around her shoulder.
"Yes, and no. I'm getting tired, but I'm also having a lot of fun with you!" She smirked, making me grin.
"I am glad! How is everyone?" I asked the usual dreaded question.
"Dad's good. Working. Your brother is visiting in the next few weeks. He wanted to see you. He has seen a few of your videos and he bought all of your music. He loves picking out your voice and is pretty proud of you. So am I!" She hugged me closer.
"Thank you!" I hugged her back.
"Let's take the bus. I need to sit, and the stop is right here." She pointed, leading us over.
I nodded as we headed to the bench to wait. "Do you mind if I check my phone?" I was having a really good time with her and didn't want to spoil it, yet a nagging feeling was bothering me.
Only one call. Jr. Voice mail. I played it. "You blocked me from your phone?" That was it.
"Is it that far gone?" Mom quested worriedly.
"I think so." I frowned, starting to feel frustrated.
"You've grown so much, outside and inside. Think really hard before you burn this bridge." She advised softly.
I nodded. After a moment, I decided. "I'm going to make a quick call. Do you mind?"
"No!" She smiled. "I'd better check mine too." She busied herself to give me a moment.
Moving a bit away, I hitting Jr's number. I waited for two rings. "Hey, are you okay?"
"No! What's going on?" His voice was shaky and concerned. That told me it was extremely stressful over there.
"Where is he?" I ran my hand through my hair, biting my lip.
"I don't know! He left about 4:30, and hasn't been back since." Jr reported tensely.
I tried to soothe his worries. " I'll call you in about an hour... maybe sooner. I took Mom out to dinner and a stroll. Don't worry!"
I heard his sigh of relief. "I know where you are, Ren. But be careful! I have never seen him like this." He warned.
"I will. Thanks, Jr!" I glanced at Mom, knowing she was listening.
"Call soon!" He ordered, then ended the call.
Walking back over, I sat next to her. "We may have a rabid house guest when we return!" I warned.
"I was expecting it sooner or later. He is so in love with you..." She would have said more, but our bus stopped. Standing up, I let her get on first. After we sat down, she held my hand. "I am here if you need me, but I am letting you two sort this out. It's very hard for me because I love you both. You are my son, and will always hold favor. Just be sure before you end it altogether!"
"I will." Gazing out the windows, I let her words sink in.
When our stop came up, I let her go first as I scanned the familiar area. I saw him waiting. "He's here!" I whispered softly, feeling uneasy.
"It will be fine. Just breath!" She reassured as we walked. Meeting us halfway, he didn't look threatening, he looked shattered. "Dong Ho, I missed you for dinner!" She smiled at him, offering a hug.
"Hi, Mom!" He hugged her but didn't look at me. "Sorry about that. How are you?"
"Worried! You're coming in right? Min Ki said you weren't coming to dinner, so he took me out. It's been a long time since we have done that. But do come inside, and have some dessert with me." She invited warmly.
"I can't say no to you, or your dessert. I haven't eaten yet, so..." He tried explaining, but she'd hear none of it.
"You are going to eat with us! I'll make something for you while you two talk. Come along!" She pulled the mother card and held her hand out to him.
Hanging his head in defeat, he took her hand. I followed them up to the stairs. As she unlocked the door, she turned to us. "I not going to stick my nose in this right now. I'm going to the kitchen to cook. You two, go and talk in the living room." She gave us the no-arguing look only a mother can and walked away to the kitchen.
Dong Ho went inside and I closed the door. Walking around him, I lead the way to the living room. Sitting on the couch, I looked down at my nails.
Standing in front of me, he murmured. "You look nice."
"You look heart-broken." I met his sad, brown eyes.
He was silent for a moment, then fell to his knees in front of me. "What did I do?" The pain on his face made the pain return.
"You didn't find me. You didn't fix things between us... With me." I whispered the last.
"And..." He could hear there was more.
I studied him for a moment, then closed my eyes. "I think we need to separate. That... What happened at the pool hall, I am tired of fighting so hard to be together, and more tired of trying to do what other couples do. It just doesn't work." I opened my eyes afterward to see his stricken face.
"And I'm not? But Min Ki, I'd do anything for you... To have you... To keep you as my everything!" Tears glistened in his eyes. "You've broken me - here!" He put my hand over his heart. "You moved your things out, you left, you... Didn't even give me a chance. I didn't even know what I did."
I felt anger stir slightly and tried to keep it in check. "You didn't find me. After that guy in the pool hall, I needed proof and reassurance. You walked away. I curled up in the cold night and was utterly devastated, waiting for you to find me. You didn't come. Jr found me, and cared for me, again!" The sparks of anger ignited in my voice.
"I'm sorry, I screwed up again. Please, Min Ki, believe me! Please don't leave me!" Laying his head in my lap, silent sobs rocked his body. Suddenly the anger dampened as I ran my hand through his rich, blond streaked hair. He cried harder as his arms wrapped around me. "Do you even still love me?" He whispered.
"I will always love you!" I bit my lip, hating myself right now. But I needed to be true to myself...just like mom said.
"Than don't give up on me!" He pleaded. "Don't throw me away!"
"I'd never throw you away!" I could feel his tears soaking my jeans. "But it's not that easy this time."
Rising up to meet my eyes with a fierce determination, he softly touched my cheek. "Give me a chance to find you, to prove to you, to make you fall in love with me again! Please, Min Ki! Don't separate your heart from mine - they belong together. They're made for each other! Let me hold you. Let me try to fix things." He pleaded as he held on to me tightly.
I didn't know why I was like this, but I knew deep in my heart that I still loved Dong Ho, deeply. I still needed him, except my heart and soul were too raw right now.
Just then mom came in. "Come eat, then you can go back to separating your hearts." She smiled sadly. Obviously, she'd heard some of our conversations.
Dong Ho picked himself up, dried his eyes, and reached his hand out for me.
I looked at it for a moment, then shook my head. "Go ahead. I'll be right there. I have to call Jr. He's really worried about you." I met his eyes to see the guilt and pain fill them. Then, glancing away, he following mom to the kitchen.
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