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I’m struggling to find you who I cannot see
 

I’m struggling to find you who I cannot hear
 

I see things that I couldn’t see before
 

I hear things that I couldn’t hear before

 

How I wished those were for me but they aren't and will never be.

After you left me, I have grown a power that I didn’t have before

Yes I did left but all of that was for him.

I chase after him because I thought that would be enough for him to like me back just as he told me when he was eight and I was six.

The selfish me who has only thought about myself
the me who didn’t know your feelings and ignored it

But you never once look at me with the same intensity you had on her, even so I still came back to fetch you when she just relentlessly let go.

Even if you push me away, even if you tell me that your heart had been stolen by somebody.

Even if there's no chance for me to have you now, I still hope for some miracles in December.

Where you'll see the Dania Zaki you promised to marry.

Where you'll remember the vow you had made with me.

"I'll only marry you when you get to play better than me."

I don't think you remember those promises Lay. I don't think you still remember the girl you used to play that piano with.

But even so, I do and there's no way I ever let go of you.

"Say noona," Tao whispered in my ears. "You came back for the same reason, right?"

"Huh?" I tried to break my contact with the performer on stage.

"You came back for Lay hyung, right?"

"You think so?" I ask him back as my eyes get to close on Lay's face.

"Yeah, but since I knew hyung and your my step sis I won't let you get hurt."

"Ya, what are you talking about?"

"I had some men for you to date, so while you chase after him there would be somebody to make you realize that since the beginning it was a lost cause."

"Ya, Tao-shi!"

"Hyung had loved that woman, ever wonder why he became so cold just now? Because he gave her so much while she'd played on him."

"Yet he was the one singing that song." The truth hurts. Well, everything does, but that would not be enough to stop me from loving Yixing.

Tao tap my shoulders. "I knew you had some vows when were kids but noona, those were the days. Whatever he said to you before had been changed now."

Maybe he was right. Things might be different now but it's worth the try.

"I don't care." I said stubbornly. " I will never love anyone except Yixing."

Tao rolled his eyes. "Damn. I know you'd said that. But noona, there's nothing wrong about seeing other guys in a while."

"Who would date me?" I ask flipping my phone.

"There's this Suho hyung, Kris hyung and Luhan hyung. The maknae had his eyes on you too. Or we could do some blind dates...

"I'm not that desperate. I can have others boy Tao, ever wonder why I was stucked on Lay?"

Tao give me a look. I smiled faintly, "Because he was my miracle. And I will be his. Remember that and cheer for me."

"Ladies and gentlemen, EXO-imnida." The crowd roared, the fans screamed.

They'd grown popular this days. He was waving and smiling to the fans but the light in his were gone.

She made her a leaving dead.

If only I had seen it sooner, I would have flied back here. I would have done all things possible even if that could mean he must hate me.

But I didn't. I was far to know it late. He had her scarred before I get the nerves to fly back and get to him. Now I wonder if Yixing would ever be the same.

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"For the Korean version of Miracles in December, with EXO's Baekhyun, D.O. and Chen we give you, Malaysian pianist, Dania Zaki!"

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I walk to the stage, sit on the piano where he had played the same song.

Dejavu.

It was like when we were kids, I would play after him.

I would follow after him. I tried to outrun him but I can't. He was always three steps far from me.

My fingers work on the keys fluidly. I can tell he was watching me, but does he recognize me? Does he remember all those vows we made?

I couldn’t believe myself that I have changed this much
your love can still move me like this

If I just think of you, I can fill this world with you
Because each snowdrop is one tear drop that belongs to you
But there's just one thing that I can’t do and it’s to make you come to me

 

And if ever you came to me, I won't turn my back from you like she did.

I won't give you the heart ache she does.

But could I really make way true your heart?

Could  I really make you stop hurting?

Could miracles be really possible?

Could I depend on them?

Could  you just see me and feel that I was your miracle in December?

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Days passed since we first met again. Days had passed since I fixed myself again. Nights had passed since I started watching over you again hoping taht you might glance to me and see that there was someone waiting for you, me.

But then all I could do is hope because even the persistent Dania also had feelings. A heart that aches whenever she saw you crying and drinking.

Eyes to see that my help won't be necessary if only you yourself find the way to get back to reality.

Notice among the crowd that I was just there reaching my hands to you, hoping you'd touch it and pulled me closer to you.

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December 14, 2013

The night had gone cold. Tao was busy with something and I was out with someone when I saw. I almost choke when I recognize the female next to you.

Is this the man who turned his back on love?

Is this the man she just left without a word?

Was he taht in love with her to even get her back when she was the one who left?

" I think you should talk to him," Suho said out of sudden.

I bowed down and tried to eat my desert.

"Dania.."

"Mianhe." I taste tears on my lips. I felt my hands tremble under the table. I could not look at Suho's eyes; I can't take another glance at Lay.

"I know everything," Suho said wiping the tears on my face. "I know it was hard to move on. I knew love like yours don't just fade in a short time but please, don't make it harder on you."

But I was willing to have it harder for him, only he couldn't see that.

"Come, let's go home." I took Suho's hands, it felt warm. I felt secured.

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"I think I know why my brother asks me to go out with you." Suho smiled at me. We are already driving back to my place.

"Do you?" he asks.

"Dae. Because you are kind. Tao trust you because he felt like you won't laugh at how silly I am. I think he know you'd understand me.'

Suho tapped my shoulders. "I was those two's hyung. Since we had been together for quite sometimes I get to understand them. Lay was hurt, said he had turned his back to love and now seeing that girl again does not mean he'd be coming back to her for good. That song, it was not for her. It was for someone. Do you want to know who?"

My heart race. What was he saying?

"There was this girl he thought or promised to marry. She was very pretty, her eyes were pale brown, and her fingers were like his. They were made for the piano keys."

Was he...

Was he talking about me?

"I just realize that he was never in love with that other girl. He might just be confused because that girl he liked since a kid had never shown her face for a decade. He told me he dreamed that she won't be coming back to him. He said he made her cry before she left. He said he only did that because he was too hurt for them being apart. She was the only girl he had talked about with me even after she had Lee Yeon-hee."

The girl..

The girl he had ever love was...

"I think that song was for you Dania. I think Lay was hurt that you left him and was until now scared for the possibility that you'd turned your back on him like you did  a long time ago."

"But when I tried to talk to him he said, he does not remember me." Tears pooled in my eyes again.

"I don't know why he did that but I am telling you the one who could hurt Lay was you."

So all this time I was the one who had been hurting him.

I was blaming someone when the fault was mine.

I was hurting for my own fault. Why have I not seen it before?

Why have I not understand him before?

"I-I don't know you."

His eyes went wild that day then.

He had not expected to see me; the woman who had broke him was me.

How can I act that I was the one so hurt?

Ppabo.Ppabo.Dania , ppabo-ya!

" What? In the dorms? " Suho looked nervous when he answered the phone.

"I'm just few blocks. Yeah, hold them two. I'd get there fast."

"Suho..

"The boys, they're in quarrel." He stepped on the gas and drove faster.

I understand now why Tao was so attached to this man; he was like a worried mom.

And because of him, I learned a piece of truth today.

My chance to get to my miracle in December.

Suho ran back to the dorm when we arrived at parking lot. It made me wonder what the quarrel was about. I run after him. When we open the door I almost gasped at what I had seen.

Lay was sprawling in the floor, throwing punches to Kris.

"Lay!" I screamed. The boys froze and looked at me.

"Noona," a voice managed to escape from Tao's voice.

"L-lay what is this?" I asked nervously.

"Stop it you two." Suho pulled up Lay. His lips were bleeding. Kris face was bruised. His lips were cut.

"What was this about?" Suho asks, hand on hips.

"I was just joking. I never thought it would get on his nerves." Kris said as Tao pulled him up.

I glance at Lay, his fist were bleeding. His skin was still sensitive. Baekhyun wrap a bandage on his injury. I wanted to do that myself but he was over there. Too far from me.

His face were all red, his eyes were on the floor.

"What did you said to him?" Suho pried on Kris.

Kris face went flushed. "Can I talk about it with her here?"

"Wae, was this about her?"

What was about me?

Kris sighed then said, "Yes."

I glance at Lay, he was clenching his fist.

"I said about hooking with her. I learned from Tao that she liked him a lot since they were kids and he had been hostile to her since she came back from Malaysia. I was just taunting him I never thought he'd get angry like that. I thought it was that Krystal Jung he loved. "

He went violent because of me.

He hurt a friend because of me.

Was I a curse to him?

Tears swelled my eyes. "Mianhe. Mianhe.Mianhe."

The boys stopped talking and look at me. I know he had looked at me too. But I can't face him.

I was the one who had been complaining how much he had hurt me, though the truth is I was the one breaking him.

I was so ashamed.

I turned my heels and with trembling knees walk away.

But a hand caught my wrist and spun me around.

" Don't cry. It's not your fault."

It was Lay and his eyes were swelling with tears too. In the corner of my eyes I saw the boys walking back to their rooms. They're giving us some privacy to talk. But was there anything to talk about?

I was the one who supposedly sing that song.  I was the one who was at fault.

I was the one who supposedly go back to time.

"Uljima," he said again.

He cupped my cheeks; wipe the tears with the back of his hand.

"When you're six and I was eight, didn't I tell you looked so ugly when crying?"

"Uljima! You looked  so ugly when you cry."

He remembers.

"But you wouldn't quit crying until I sing." I looked into his eyes; they were not grave at all. I had misunderstood his feelings.

I had a nightmare
Before I could hug you, who was crying
I woke up

With a sad heart, I opened the curtains
With my moonlight-stained tears, I send you a letter

Remember, when things were hard
I always turned your tears into smiles

Don’t cry in places without me, don’t cry
Because you always had a lot of tears

No, it’s my turn to cry, I’ll cry now
I’ll take all of your tears
It’s my turn to cry, give them to me
Even those tears, this time
 

"I never loved that girl. Even if words reached you that she broke me I am telling you now that she didn't. The only girl who ever broke me was you. You never knew how much I bleed seeing you cry. You never knew how much pain I been through when you left me."

I gasped; Lay was pouring his heart to me.

"I tried to be with anyone, I tried to act I was not affected but then every time I remember what we vowed with each other I can't help but pity myself. Because for more than a decade I have still hold on to that promise."

" Yixing, I will only marry you so don't ever try to marry other girls."

"I'll only marry you when you get to play better than me."

He did remember. And he was still holding on to that promise.

All these time I thought...

"And since you had gone pretty good than me think I'll get down to marrying you."

"What?!"

Why was he saying that? We had not made up yet.

"Wae, you are not?" He give me a look of a broken man

"L-lay what are you.." I put my hands on his chest.

" I am already 22, your nineteen. We are of legal age so we could get a marriage license." he said pulling me even closer.

"Ya! " I pushed him away. "Why are asking that so instantly you have not said I love you yet. There was not even an exchange of kiss." I said the last part in almost a whisper.

"Arasso," Lay smiled and pulled me to him. "I LOVE YOU DANIA, WILL YOU MARRY ME??!

"MARRRRRRRRYY!'

Lay went pale when the boys screamed in chorus.

"Noona, you had just made up. Why was he proposing to you already?" Tao asked with eyes wide open.

"Ya," Lay hissed. "We have not gone to kissing part, can you get back to your rooms again?"

So he wants to kiss me too?

" But hyung, you can't just go on proposing without consulting me, I was the brother remem---

Suho clutch Tao's mouth. " Save that later Panda. Kris get the maknae inside. They are not supposed to watch this part. You two," Suho smiled." Good Luck.'

I smiled as the boys get back to their rooms. I was still at Lay's embrace. It felt warm in his arms.

"Shall we continue?" I pinched his nose. Just when I almost doubt the miracles in December God gave me this. "Where were again?" Lay ask as his fingers trace the bows of my lips.

"Somewhere between, Dania marry me and this..

I lend closer to kiss him myself. His lips were cool on mine, his breathe hot on my cheeks.

When I realized I had been in love with him and I was thinking he was with somebody else I almost died. But today I felt like I was brought back from the dead.

" I love you Dania," he whispered.

I place a tiny peck on his lips.

"I love you too Yixing."

"I prefer Lay." He said leaning for a kiss again.

"Oops,the maknae's peeking."

Lay glance behind him."Are you kidding me?"

I laughed. The first true laugh in years.

"I was not. Look," he glances at my back again and I used that opening to kiss him again.

"You're unfair." He said.

"All is fair in love and war." Then I ran away from him. Lay smiled wickedly.

"The winner gets to kiss the loser ten times on the lips!" He screamed.

It was like a scene from many years ago.

" The winner get to bite the loser ten times on her shoulders." Young Yixing scream as he dashed after the six year old Dania.

And on games like this, he always dominates.

They kissed and kissed. Maybe more than ten times. Stopping only to get some air. The boys who had heard them two were smiling especially Suho.

"Let them had the lost years of their lives. They deserve that."

The boys agreed and went to play with their computers. Chen turned his phone and dialed a number.

Few minutes after it rang, his heart hammered in his chest.

"Yeobeoseyo?"

 

 

 

 

 

~

So who was Chen calling?

For the Chen request, anticipate this.