*The Last of Us

Love exists, but with an absence of eternity. At the first moment of a lover’s encounter, there’s an affirmation of love. Psychologically, lunacy, emptiness, panic, delusion that the moment will last forever. I’m seized by desire. I hide behind my back, and postpone all answers.

______________________

Dear whomever it may concern,

The only thing I hoped for him to understand, and for him to be acknowledged of, was how much I loved you. No, how much I love you. Letting you go was probably the biggest mistake in my life, but your happiness was my priority. This should be that last you’ll ever hear of me before I leave, Lee Hyukjae. The last of us.

Do you remember? The day we first met? I personally remember it well. You were a fresh graduate from my high school, while I was just a freshman. Because I was so young, and my eyes were wide open for the world to acknowledge me of its beauty...I fell for a freaking DJ with the pen name of Silver. I listened to him everyday; Silver was humorous, cute, friendly, nice, he was himself, and the point of it all was that Silver wasn’t fake, unlike most other DJs. Silver liked to talk about his roommates and his so-called stash. I laughed so hard because it’s funny how inappropriate Silver’s topics could get, yet he never managed to get in trouble with the radio station’s owner; I admired Silver. I looked up to him, and before I knew it, I became a fan. A huge fan.

Everyday, after and before school, I would listen to Silver’s live podcasts that usually last around an hour or less, but it was just enough time for me to relax after a stressful night or day. I would happen to be the first caller most of the time, and Silver even remembered me. He even made a nickname for me! I was called Lulu first by Silver, and soon enough everyone started calling me Lulu. Yes, Silver was that famous at the time.

Days passed by, weeks even, months? Years? Everything seemed to happen so fast I didn’t even recognize when Silver and I started to actually talk and start texting each other. Sometimes talk with each other on the phone. Because Silver remained a secret identity, at the same time letting me know too that he was older, we both agreed on keeping our secrets under a stepping stone. Every night, Silver would call right at 10 O’Clock, when his shift at the station ends, and when he’ll have the most time for a private podcast that only I will be able to hear. Sometimes when he talked to me about something, he would talk about it again in the morning, and of course, I would sulk at him. But he would always tell me that even if the story he told was the same, and now everyone would know the story, I would still remain the first to hear, and I would always hold that specialty. It was the happiest years of my life, to be quite honest.

Approximately four years later, when the days finally came down to my graduation at the same high school, someone decided to show up. Silver decided to show up; no. You decided to show up with a bouquet of white roses that represented purity and success, requoting from you. You smiled at me, and said “Congratulations, Lulu.”, followed by screams of various fangirls and fanboys from behind. I blushed and took the flowers shyly, tucking a hand inside my graduation robe. Without expecting anything, June 14th, 2004 was the day you and I officially became a couple known throughout the entertainment industry and the world. That was also around the same time that I first knew your real name as Lee Hyukjae, and when you first knew my real name to be Xiu Luhan.

I was casted for an entertainment industry to be a singer in a twelve people boy band called EXO. The band itself was separated into two sub-units called EXO-K and EXO-M. Because I was Chinese, they decided to place me in EXO-M, in which M was the abbreviation for Mandarin. I’ve never seen you much since I debuted, but in lots of cases, my whole band were invited to your radio station for recordings and as a special guest. Questions that you would often answer were about you and I, and I loved how much you took care of our reputations as an openly same- couple. I fell in love with you so deeply, I couldn’t even see a single way to leave.

But what happened to all of that, Silver?

Since when have you forgotten about us? About me? About yourself? About everything that we’ve done together?

I don’t know if you’ve even read this letter long enough to reach this section, Lee Hyukjae. But I hope you did. Because right now, I want you to pass this letter over to Fish; Lee Donghae, your new DJ partner, and your new boyfriend.

Donghae-ssi. If you are reading this, there are a couple things I want you to know.

I want you to know that I, Xiu Luhan, absolutely love Lee Hyukjae, and I always will. Please forgive me, but this isn’t something I could get rid of so easily. I’m guessing you’ve probably reread the whole letter; you understand me, right, Fishy?

Don’t worry though! I’ll always be your most loyal listener to this specific radio station!

Donghae-ssi. I really did love him. I do love him. I love him all too much to explain it in words, and I hope so much that you would feel my love for him through these letters. I love him so much, that I would purposely lose, just for him to be happy. I have surrendered under you, Lee Donghae. I have surrendered under the both of you...I only ask of you. One thing. Please, love him the way I did. Love him the way I do. Love him the way I always will, and love him forever. Take care of him well, make sure he smiles at least ten times every day. Make sure he eats on time and does not skip a single meal. Make sure he exercises, and make sure that you stay with him. I wouldn’t know if you’ll do as I asked, but what I needed to know most is that I’ve already bid my last words.

There’s nothing left for me to say now.

This is finally the last of us, Silver.

It’s time for me to leave now.

Goodbye, and all rise Silver.

Yours truly and with eternal love,

Lulu.

(all written in scribbled handwriting and slightly broken Hangul. The letter was sent to the radio station with one small, bloody bullet in a plastic bag. The letter itself contained watermarks, smeared bloody fingerprints, and more watermarks. Luhan was later found dead inside his bedroom, with the cause of death being a mere suicide with a handgun, loaded with one narrow point bullet that shot into his heart. The gun powder exploded hard enoughf for all blood circulations in his body to collapse, Luhan had passed away in mere seconds on the night of June 14th, 2013, with the letter being his only last words.)

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