Winter Days

Since young, Youngjae has never been fond of winter. It had been for childish reasons initially—he didn't like being cooped at home, unable to go out and play due to the blizzard. As he grew up, he learnt to tolerate it more, but as he could not take the cold, he dreaded the season bitterly. When he became an adult, he conceded that winter was a part of nature and could not be helped.

This acceptance, however, still does not alleviate his dislike for it. In general, people's susceptibility to illnesses tend to hike during the winter, which indubitably means the weak deteriorate in the winter. It's morbidly similar to the wilting leaves of autumn shrivelling unjustly into mere shells of their former lush green.

Before leaving for the hospital, Youngjae had prepared lunch for Daehyun and Junhong, leaving it in the fridge for Daehyun to microwave when they get hungry. It's strange to function nowadays with the reminder that he has to think for a family of three, and not just himself like he'd done so for the past few years.

Family? Youngjae muses, chuckling to himself. The girl beside him perks up, curiousity written all over her small face. "What are you laughing about, oppa?"

He gently holds her chin, feeding her a spoonful of porridge. "About my family."

The words sound foreign on his tongue, but it has a nice ring to it, one he can get used to saying. He mentally chides himself for thinking so far; he had just met the siblings not too long ago. But seeing Junhong with his bright smile and Daehyun with his sincerity everyday certainly adds a light to his life.

"Like your omma and your appa?"

Youngjae purses his lips, gently pressing the spoon of porridge to the girl's lips. "Not exactly, Junhee."

The girl frowns, obediently opening . She blubbers, "Oppa, they aren't related to you?"

Youngjae gently pats her head, nodding. "Yes, they aren't. But I still care for them."

"Youngjae," a voice calls out and Youngjae hurriedly puts the bowl down, meeting Sunhwa's stern gaze. He places the spoon in Junhee's hand, apologising for having to leave, and walks out.

"You know we don't have time to feed every child, Youngjae," Sunhwa sighs, voice soft and reluctant.

"Her parents haven't visited in days, noona," Youngjae says quietly. Sunhwa lowers her head, unwillingly having to assume the position of being the bad person.

"I know, Youngjae." She pats his shoulder, gesturing to the side. "Dr. Kim needs you to check on his patients. We got an emergency call just a moment ago."

Youngjae nods, padding over to the other row of rooms. Evening comes quickly and Youngjae clocks out, his heart heavy as he bids the other staff farewell. His skin freezes painfully the moment he steps out of the hospital, but he determinedly walks to the train station. He buys a bouquet of flowers and holds them to his chest as he squeezes onto the train.

"Hyung," Youngjae remembers the meek voice as Youngjae bends over, straining to hear Minhyun. "Omma cried today and said she was sorry she made me so unlucky." He had sat closer, gently running a hand down Minhyun's arm to calm his shallow breathing.

"But I think I'm really lucky, hyung. I have omma, appa and you, hyung."

Youngjae shuts his eyes, willing his tears to not fall. His breath catches in his throat and he envisions the feeble, small hand in his. Youngjae looks up at the map as the announcement blares over his head. He has eight more stops to go.

By the time Youngjae reaches the cemetery, night has already set in. Youngjae ambles through the serene white grounds and stops at a gravestone. He spends a moment staring at the indents in the slab and finally kneels, wiping the excess snow piling at the top.

"Minhyun-ah," Youngjae starts and shivers a little. Silence greets him, place devoid of any other presence. His footsteps have left a trail behind him, leading to Minhyun's grave.

Youngjae holds back his tears as he musters up a smile. "Hyung came to visit you. How are you doing?"

He lowers his head, his smile beginning to cut into his sore cheeks. He wipes at the tears streaking down his face. "I met someone recently. His name is Daehyun. He has a little brother named Junhong."

"We're living together now. I was hesitant at first, but they are nice people." He hugs the flowers tighter when it catches some snow, protectively shielding it in his embrace.

"I think you and Junhong would have made good friends. He's energetic, like you." The memory of Minhyun animatedly talking, despite the coughs wracking his speech, seeps into his mind.

The dark night contrasts strongly with the white around Youngjae and he chokes back a weary sob. "Hyung misses you."

He sits there for half an hour more, looking up at the night sky and trapping some snow within his palms. He watches the snowflakes wither into water along his palm lines and thinks for a moment how fragile snow really is. Youngjae can barely differentiate his tears from the melted snowflakes, except for the stark contrast in heat and cold.

Youngjae places the baby's breath on Minhyun's grave just before he leaves, heaving a soft breath. He wonders how long it'll take for the flowers to droop in such freezing weather.

By the time he returns, night has drenched the entire city, Youngjae's sole constant companion the pricks of snow raining on him. He unlocks the door, kicking off his shoes and stepping into the apartment. Daehyun and Junhong are fast asleep on the couch, the young boy in his brother's arms.

They waited up for me.

Youngjae laughs faintly, seeing the drool down Daehyun's lips. He gently lifts Junhong out of Daehyun's arms and awakes the man with a start.

"Youngjae," Daehyun breathes with a groggy expression. Youngjae casts him a smile and hoists Junhong into the bedroom, laying him on the bed. The boy curls up under the covers, face peaceful.

"Sorry I came back so late," Youngjae whispers. 

Daehyun runs a hand down his neck and shakes his head, smiling sheepishly. "Sorry we didn't manage to stay up."

"You guys don't have to do that," Youngjae chuckles, shedding his coat and pulling off his beanie. He flattens out his ruffled hair, roaming to the kitchen to make a warm drink for them both. The house is extremely tidy, everything sorted out and in place.

"How was your day?" Daehyun asks, gratefully taking the cup of hot chocolate from Youngjae's hands.

Youngjae replies tiredly, "It was good. How was yours?"

Daehyun's eyes light up at this moment, scurrying out of the kitchen to return with a bunch of folded newspaper cuttings. He lays them out, enthusiastically pointing to the red circles over the advertisements. "I found a couple of job openings."

Youngjae hums. "That's good."

He sips at the drink and leans against the counter. "But... who will take care of Junhong?"

Daehyun presses his lips together, eyes spelling his dilemma. "I'll have to find a job that'll let me bring him along."

"You don't have to rush, Daehyun." The words come out easily but Youngjae knows it will be hard as the days begin to pile up. Now that he's paying for the three of them, expenses will be rather suffocating.

"I have to," Daehyun urges. "I'm already indebted to you for letting us stay here."

Youngjae waves lightly. "Don't say it like that," he answers softly.

"But it's true. I'll get a job that'll let me bring Junhong to work. I've got an interview tomorrow," Daehyun determinedly states. Daehyun's skin is awfully pale, Youngjae realises, like he's been dipped in snow.

Youngjae muffles back a mild chuckle. "Since you're insistent," he says, brushing Daehyun's shoulders, "tomorrow, how about we get you dressed up for your interviews? It's my day off."

"It's okay! I can manage."

Youngjae pinches at Daehyun's sleeve, jokingly narrowing his eyes. "You aren't going to wear this there, right?"

He pats the faded sleeves of his shirt that Daehyun's donning. He'd been planning to throw this out a long time ago; it'd followed him since his college days.

Daehyun flushes as Youngjae beams at him, amused. "Oh, that's right. I was thinking we should start saving up for Junhong to go to school next year. What do you think?" He asks, tilting his head one side as Daehyun's eyes fly wide open.

"But..." Daehyun struggles to find his words, brows furrowed and expression forlorn.

"I looked it up during my break," Youngjae interjects, "I'll be able to afford it, at least for the first year."

He'd crunched up numbers from his savings account, calculating how much he needed to cut down on. It'll be tough, but he'd decided while at Minhyun's burial grounds that he was going to send Junhong to school this year no matter what.

Youngjae places down his cup and reassuringly flashing a smile. "When we're both working, I'm sure we'll be able to make it last."

A strong tug has Youngjae stumbling into Daehyun's chest, the other man winding his arms tightly around Youngjae's waist. The heat emanating from Daehyun seeps into Youngjae's skin, the nurse blinking in surprise.

"You're amazing," Daehyun breathes, his whisper tickling Youngjae's ear. Youngjae blushes and awkwardly stays still as Daehyun relaxes his grip.

Embarrassment weaves itself through Daehyun's expression as he parts his lips, churning out an apology. "Sorry! I- uh, I got excited."

Youngjae nods lightly, his mind still dazed from Daehyun's words. The heat taps onto his cheeks and he sends Daehyun an assuring look.

"You must be tired," Daehyun croaks. "You should sleep."

They exit the kitchen, staring at one another, both still flustered.

"Goodnight, Youngjae," Daehyun blurts, tangling a hand through his hair. Youngjae's lips quirk upwards, remnants of snow on his clothes.

"Goodnight, Daehyun."