Winter Days

Trudging down the shimmering asphalt, Youngjae's boots slosh within the puddles where the maroon of the sky melts into. Snow leaves its tracks in a debilitating transparency as Youngjae blearily flutters his lashes, five o’clock shift dwindling into a murky lucidity. He slumps into the seat on the bus and nearly misses his stop, briskly plodding to the lobby and finding a small comfort in returning home to Junhong and Daehyun.

Youngjae does overtime quite often but he usually does not take the extra shifts after midnight because the children are already sleeping by then. The reason he works longer hours is to accompany the patients. The general wing he is assigned to is a rather cramped one with six open wards and twenty-four beds, where the patients are mostly admitted for non-urgent reasons.

There are a few every now and then who suffer from more serious illnesses but cannot afford the priority class wards. Youngjae tries his best to take more shifts during the day to accompany these children whose parents are frequently busy working. Minhyun was one of these cases—painfully, long-term—and it was during his stay that Youngjae went out of the way to seize night shifts on top of his regular overtime to take care of Minhyun.

Today, Youngjae works the midnight shift for the six-year-old boy waiting at home for him. Bills are starting to pile up more pointedly and Youngjae can’t find it in him to borrow money from his parents who he has already burdened for so many years of his life, even if their family is better off than the average one. It is more of what is to come that’s worrying, since their finances are still manageable at this point—Junhong’s school fees and necessities, Daehyun’s private high school examination, not to mention that Junhong has a weak immunity and Youngjae has stocked up some vitamins to help boost his health.

Softly unlocking the door, Youngjae slips into the house and rubs at his eyes, nudging the door shut behind him. He pads away to his room after shedding his clothes and curls up in bed, exhaustion clawing at him while the sun breaks over the horizon. As he falls asleep, he misses by a second Daehyun peeking into his room, having been waiting for the nurse to return.

The kiss to his cheek is a faded memory from a month ago Youngjae did not brood on. He enjoys Daehyun’s warmth, yes, perhaps more than that with how Daehyun’s wrinkled palm rests on his waist and how it reminds him of home despite the cold cracks of skin. He finds himself a little lost on nights without the familiar security Daehyun’s touch brews, but winter holds no promises. After all, it is a season that strips heat and leaves the vagabonds no choice but to huddle.

Youngjae bats his lashes open to a small weight resting against his chest, a thin dash of prickling sunlight falling through the ripples of the curtain. He winces and gradually pieces together the fingers entwined with his, a tuft of black tresses by his bedside. They fall away as Youngjae’s reverie bids him come to consciousness.

The sunlight dissipates and Youngjae makes out Daehyun’s figure now by the window, using a clothes peck to pin down the fabric while another gust traverses the room. Youngjae glimpses down and spots Junhong snuggled up to his chest.

Smiling softly at the boy in his grasp, Youngjae nestles his nose into Junhong’s hair, careful not to wake the sleeping child. He has Youngjae’s chick plushie in his arms as always, something he has come to associate with Youngjae and sleeps with every night. Junhong wakes up less during the night and when he does, the chick plush toy reminds him that they’re no longer trapped in the snow. Junhong is safe with Youngjae and so is Daehyun.

They have someone who loves and cares for them now. They’re no longer alone, just the two of them against a harsh winter and unkind eyes.

Youngjae flickers his gaze over and finds Daehyun peering at him with a gentle simper, textbook in one hand. He stretches slightly and lets out a soft yawn.

“Good morning,” Youngjae whispers. Daehyun kneels by his side and Youngjae wonders whether Daehyun will pretend their hands weren’t interlocked moments ago if he asked. Maybe it’s nothing big and he’s just overthinking it.

“Good afternoon,” Daehyun chuckles, voice gruff like the bark of a tree yet soft like snow on skin. “You slept in.”

“Sorry.” Youngjae Junhong’s cheek when the boy stirs. “Have you eaten breakfast?”

“Yes. Junhong too.” Daehyun’s hand inches towards Youngjae but he makes no move to touch the nurse. “I’ll make brunch for you.”

“It’s okay,” Youngjae wheezes, voice still high-pitched from his bout of slumber. “What would you like for lunch?”

“I’ll cook,” Daehyun insists, his fingers edging forward with a threadbare distance. Silence simmers over the atmosphere and Daehyun finally lifts his hand, sweeping Youngjae’s hair out of his face. Youngjae offers him a small smile and gingerly shifts away from Junhong, sitting up groggily.

“He slept in too?” Youngjae laughs into his fist, thumbing Junhong’s cheek delicately.

“He tried to wait up for you but fell asleep,” Daehyun supplies with a light grin. “He woke up in the morning and came to find you.”

“You guys don’t have to wait up for me,” Youngjae says guiltily, draping the blanket over Junhong’s form. He slips past the boy and rubs his eyes, Daehyun keeping his gaze fixated on the shorter man without a word. Youngjae awkwardly flashes Daehyun a simper and winds past the man to the kitchen, pulling out some ingredients.

He cooks a simple meal of steamed chicken and porridge. Junhong rouses from his sleep and he instinctively holds the chick plush tighter, glimpsing up at Daehyun and Youngjae with a toothy smile. He plops onto a chair and slurps at his porridge while Youngjae cuts the chicken for him, Daehyun taking a quick shower.

“Hyung,” Junhong says sleepily, stirring his congee. “What’s your favourite season?”

Youngjae ponders for a moment. “Autumn,” he decides, scooping up a bowl of porridge for himself. “What about you?”

“Mm, I like summer. It’s bright and warm.” He swings his legs jovially, radiating of only the sweetest sunshine. “Daehyun-hyung likes spring. He says it looks like you.”

“He says it looks like me?” Youngjae repeats, blinking at the child. Junhong nods fervently.

“I think spring is nice too,” Junhong blubbers. “There’s a lot of pretty flowers and all the snow starts to melt.”

Youngjae threads his fingers through Junhong’s hair fondly and turns his head when Daehyun emerges from the bathroom, hair dripping wet. He’s donning one of the cheap shirts Youngjae bought at the fair for him to wear at home. It's starting to fray at the ends.

The early afternoon wilts away, Junhong gulping down his vitamins and learning how to write certain words while his brother revises his books in the room. The doorbell rings at this moment and the two in the living room curiously lift their heads, Youngjae getting up and peeking through the peephole.

Widening his eyes in surprise, he swings open the door and peers at the man grinning incandescently at his doorstep. “Himchan-hyung,” Youngjae blurts, words muffled when Himchan suddenly pulls him into his embrace.

“Youngjae!” Himchan chimes, leaning back and roughly messing up Youngjae’s hair. “I was in the area so I decided to pop by for a while. Are you happy to see me?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae laughs, beaming up at the older boy. They were college roommates and despite them pursuing different courses, they’ve always kept in contact. The last they caught up with one another was two months ago at a café nearby the hospital.

“I finally get a chance to see your boyfriend and the little boy you told me about,” Himchan blathers, Youngjae nudging him with an amused scoff. Himchan’s gaze veers away at this moment and his lips curl, regarding warmly the boy now standing by Youngjae’s side. Junhong stares up at Himchan with wide, doe eyes, his pencil still in one hand.

“You must be Junhong,” Himchan cajoles, stepping into the house when Youngjae fully pulls open the door. Himchan crouches down and puts out a hand, introducing himself. “I’m Youngjae’s friend, Himchan.”

“I am Choi Junhong! I am six years old,” Junhong gleefully states, taking Himchan’s hand eagerly. “Hello, hyung!”

“God, he’s adorable,” Himchan coos, immediately tugging out his wallet and handing Junhong a ten-dollar bill. Junhong stares at the flimsy note in his hand curiously and bubbles, “Thank you, hyung...”

“Hyung, you don’t have to,” Youngjae urges before melting into a soft laugh. “You’re acting like an old man.”

“Don’t be jealous I didn’t give you any,” Himchan drawls. A click resounds and Daehyun emerges from the room, Youngjae apologetically sending Daehyun a smile. The man quickly steps forward upon noticing the guest and Himchan turns to him then, the two bowing profusely before Daehyun puts out his hand.

Himchan swiftly takes his hand, playful grin etched into his cheeks. “You must be Youngjae’s boyfriend. I’ve always wanted to meet you.”

“Hyung,” Youngjae rolls his eyes and shoves him a little. “Daehyun, this is Himchan-hyung. He’s a friend.”

“Hey,” Daehyun greets, a sheepish smile climbing over his cheeks at Himchan’s remark. “I’m not Youngjae’s boyfriend. Just a friend.”

“You know what they say: all love starts out from friendships.” Himchan winks and Daehyun smothers back a guffaw, his eyes gleaming with a jubilantly shimmer as he fleetingly glances to a flustered Youngjae.

“Hyung, you’re embarrassing,” Youngjae sighs. Daehyun picks up Junhong and angles his chin towards the bedroom.

“Well, we’ll be in the bedroom,” he provides, politely disappearing to give Youngjae and Himchan some space. The two old friends settle in the dining room as they chat heartily, Youngjae making some instant coffee for the other.

“Are you sure you don’t want something to eat? Ramen?” Youngjae offers, watching Himchan stir his coffee. The older man used to be a caffeine addict back in college; he needed his coffee fix before he began function, else he would be cranky for the entire day.

“It’s alright. I can only stay for a while,” Himchan laments, slurping at his beverage. “Hey, how long has it been since you and Daehyun met?”

“A few months.” Youngjae leans back against his seat and thoughtfully mentions, “It was snowing really hard then and still is now.”

“The winter’s merciless this year,” Himchan remarks, clacking his fingernail against the cup. “But… you’re really able to afford everything?”

“Yeah. Daehyun’s working too,” Youngjae informs. “I’m a bit worried for when Junhong starts schooling, though. The school fees, books, excursion trips…”

“Wait, you’re going to pay for his primary school education?” Himchan asks, to which Youngjae nods.

“How long will you guys be staying together?”

The question melts into Youngjae’s mind and he flutters his lashes, a bit taken aback by the sudden query. He hadn’t thought about it, honestly. It just seemed like they would be staying together forever.

But that’s impossible, isn’t it? After all, it’s not as though Daehyun and him are a married couple. Somewhere along the way, they’ll have to separate and find their own partners to settle down with. Daehyun did say he wanted to adopt Junhong once he gets enough money to settle all the legal fees.

The sinking thoughts swarm Youngjae as he fleshes out the future in his mind, of Junhong as a teenager and them still living together. Things started out as simply Youngjae offering some help for the time being. Daehyun did say he would move out once he could afford housing for him and his brother.

“Youngjae?” Himchan’s voice snaps him out of his deliberation and Youngjae squirms, rubbing at his arm.

“I’m not sure,” he admits. “Probably until Daehyun can get a place to stay. Until then, I want to help send Junhong to school since he’s already of age.”

“Wow, you’re really kind, Youngjae. You’ve always been, anyway,” Himchan breathes warmly. Youngjae waves off the compliment, shelving the pressing thoughts for later.

The two deliquesce in a lovely bout of reminiscence, recalling memory after memory of their time in university. Himchan was quite fiery in terms of personality and often got into quarrels with others, and his girlfriend at that time told Youngjae he was a miracle for being able to live with Himchan. They were different in many aspects, be it the kind of friends they hung out with or their interests, but their friendship surprisingly lasted even after graduation.

“Hey, how about we join Daehyun and Junhong?” Youngjae suggests. Himchan eagerly lights up and tails the nurse into the bedroom, Youngjae peeping in to find Daehyun still studying while Junhong plays with his toy cars.

As they settle down with the pair, Himchan shifting closer to Junhong and affectionately speaking to the mirthful boy, Youngjae glances over at Daehyun’s notebook. The page is filled with notes all penned down diligently, point after point neatly written down.

“You’re working really hard,” Youngjae praises in a hushed tone, meeting Daehyun’s grey eyes.

Daehyun melts into a simper and returns, “It’s the least I can do now. After I take the exam, I’ll find a better job and take care of you and Junhong.”

“I already said you don’t have to, Daehyun,” Youngjae chuckles, buried misgivings from before making their way back to the surface. He shakes them away and concentrates on the smile lines down Daehyun’s wrinkled skin.

“Are the questions hard? This chapter is more difficult to understand.” Youngjae scoots closer and Daehyun taps a question with his pen, saying, “They didn’t give the answer for this one.”

Youngjae squints at the numbers and runs through them for a while, pursing his lips in deep contemplation. He swivels his stare back to Daehyun to find the man gazing at him through half-lidded eyes.

“It should be A, right?” Youngjae returns, furrowing his brows as he tries to recall. “You’re correct, I think. Let me search it up.”

As they quietly discuss the question for a few minutes, Himchan catches his attention with a wave and apologetically gestures towards the door. "Sorry. I've got to leave now."

As the three see Himchan out the door, Junhong amiably bidding Himchan goodbye, Youngjae walks Himchan to the lift lobby. Himchan throws a glance behind them and tugs Youngjae closer to him, seriously locking eyes with him.

“You guys are dating, aren’t you?” Himchan presses. “You can tell me. You already know I’m fine with these kind of things.”

“We’re not, hyung,” Youngjae groans. He prods the call button and they wait for the lift to descend, Himchan pulling on Youngjae’s sleeve.

“Seriously?”

Youngjae shoots the older man a look and Himchan pulls his lips to the side in a grimace. “Well, if you guys aren’t, it must really for him because he looks like he’s completely whipped by you.”

“What are you talking about?” Youngjae wheezes, tearing his eyes away from Himchan’s wide, earnest ones.

“Are you really going to deny it? I’ve watched you guys for fifteen minutes and even I can tell he’s smitten by you.” Himchan clicks his tongue.

Youngjae curls his fingers and looks away. “He’s grateful towards me, Himchan. It’s easy to like someone who helped you, especially when you’re in his shoes. I don’t think he actually feels that way for me.”

“I guess,” Himchan mumbles as they enter the elevator. “Anyway, so you’re really not interested in meeting Yongguk? He’s a great guy, I swear.”

They part ways when Youngjae walks Himchan out of the building, the man flagging a taxi and vanishing down the snow-coated streets. Youngjae paces back up and slips back into the house, only to be ambushed by a sprinting Junhong. 

“Is he your friend from work?” Daehyun asks when Youngjae curls up by his side, still fatigued from last night’s long shift. Junhong settles in front of the television.

“No, from college. You’ve met all my friends from work,” Youngjae answers, snivelling softly.

“You must have been popular back in school.” Daehyun lugs over a blanket on the opposite end and swathes Youngjae in it.

“I wish. That’s you, Mr. Playboy,” Youngjae teases, spinning his head to face Daehyun. The six-year-old seated on the floor watches the television in awe while superheroes breeze past the screen, capes fluttering in the blustering wind.

“Hey. I told you I've changed,” Daehyun chuckles. He emanates a lengthy breath before delving into Youngjae's eyes, the nurse peering up at him. "You know, last time, I thought relationships were nothing. I always found my girlfriends annoying for being clingy."

"You're mean." Youngjae elbows Daehyun and inches away from him. Daehyun grins back as he shifts with him, their shoulders bumping.

"I've changed!" Daehyun laughs. He melts into an incandescent eye smile and breathes. "I understand now. Why they wanted to be with me so much. Why they wanted to hold my hand whenever they could." He rubs his wrist and says, "Because of my mother, I never wanted to get married, but... I really want to now."

Youngjae simmers into a warm smile and gently squeezes his arm. "That's good. Don't let what happened stop you from finding love, Daehyun," Youngjae whispers. He tears his stare away when Junhong abruptly crawls into his lap, happily lying against Youngjae's chest as he continues watching television.

Daehyun clears his throat. “Uh, I overheard your friend talking about this… guy he wanted you to meet.”

“You did?” Youngjae bats his eyelashes in surprise. Daehyun hastily clarifies, “I went out to get one of Junhong’s cars and accidentally overheard. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Anyway, I’m not going.” Youngjae curls up snugly in the blanket, the scent distinctly of spice—one that belongs to Daehyun.

“Yeah, you shouldn’t go if you don’t want to,” Daehyun readily agrees. He rubs the back of his neck and asks slowly, “Why don’t you want to go?”

“I don’t really like to make new friends,” Youngjae confesses sheepishly. The cartoonish action splays out on the television and Junhong cheers loudly, plopping back in exhilaration when the superhero manages nab the villain.

“Oh. Is it because it’s a hassle?”

Youngjae shakes his head. “I’m a little afraid of meeting new people,” he divulges. “I don’t feel shy in front of strangers so I’m not sure why.”

He glimpses up at Daehyun when a hand gently touches his cheek, nudging his head to fall on Daehyun’s shoulder.

“Should I be honoured, then? Since I'm a new friend,” Daehyun jests, his fingers however clamping on his shorts discreetly. Youngjae flits his lashes and Junhong saves him the trouble of replying, tilting his head back to look at the two men.

"Hyung, when will spring come again?" He purses his lips and looks out the window, sprinkles of snow drifting down in the chilly ambience. "I want to see flowers."

"Soon, Junhongie," Youngjae hums, squeezing the boy's hand. He plops the child into Daehyun's lap and hauls his head off Daehyun's arm, sparing him a curl of the lips as he gets up.

Heat thumps in through his veins and his shoulders fall at the thought of liking Daehyun's scent a little too much. He lies down in bed and Minhyun poignantly flickers in the back of his eyelids, snow swaying into an oblivion of greedy white.

so sorru for the late update T_T thank you for all your kind words!