thanks to 'AnotherFairytale' for the prompt

edited by Momo-chan 

'It's always confusing me, what kind of love I've had for you...'

*

OH SEHUN POV

*

This was the usual evening in the house of four boys, where they lived together and worked together in a modeling agency. It was also the usual scene where Kai and Luhan cuddled up in front of TV, watched the black screen with their lips locked and their bodies struggled with each other in a chair. The blond one was leisurely sitting on Kai’s lap, wearing only an over-sized white shirt. His pale hands hung loosely around Kai’s neck as the pink lips giggled at every touch and kiss he got from his brunette lover.

“I love you.”

Kai murmured into his mouth, earned another squeal of happiness from the pretty boy, and a sneer from Sehun who sat across them, cause this should be his usual time enjoying a warm milk tea, after dinner, and now he only wanted to throw up at sensing the faint scent of in the air.

Not that he disliked , only the inappropriate public ones.

“I wonder.” He sipped on his milk tea and grimaced why now it tasted a bit different too, “when will you guys realize, this is a shared living room.”

Kai and Luhan stopped kissing and together, they gave him the same confused yet annoying look.

“Do your business privately.” Sehun leaned his back on his chair while sighing tiredly.

“Sehunnie you’re just too uptight.” Luhan said cutely, titled his head in an innocent way which didn’t make a sense cause a while ago he just had a shoved to every hole he had.

“You’re just too loose!” Sehun snapped at both of them.

“No, we’re not.” Kai answered with his low, husky voice as the man wrapped the muscled and strong hands around Luhan’s slim waist, making Luhan moaned and whined and sounded like he was tortured by the closeness yet strangely, the blond loved it too. “We’re simply in love, Sehun.”

“Are we?” Luhan stared at Kai wide-eyed, blinked a few times as they returned to their own world again and in no time they kissed again, mapped each other body again and made the incoherent sound of bliss in their afterglow.

Sehun shook his head in defeat, slumped his back and averted his gaze from them cause now he couldn’t help this jealousy which build inside him, as his mind brought him back to the past when the first time he found a way into love.

*

For Sehun, love was like a wound. It had been years ago since he met Luhan, a neighbor who lived across his home and suddenly his heart beating in rush at seeing Luhan’s fond smile. At that day, everything wasn’t the same again for Sehun since the time Luhan came to him and gave him a hand.

‘Hi, my name is Luhan. I’m from China.’ The little boy with brownish hair and sparkling brown orbs squealed at him. Speaking in a gibberish English, although all Sehun could get was only ‘Luhan’ and ‘China’, he knew if someone let him knew their name, he should tell them his in return. So he mumbled a low ‘Oh Sehun’, quietly unsure if he should ignore the pain clenching this heart because of Luhan or give in and shake the smaller hand offering to him cause this boy already made him this hurt in their very first meeting. It made he felt afraid, what would happen in the future if this boy kept hanging around his life.

But they were friends, becoming close in a trade of language. Sehun taught Luhan Korean, in exchange of him got to learn Mandarin and English from the boy. In the end of their seventh summer, they’re both already good at Korean, Mandarin, and English, better than anyone in their class, hence anyone they knew in neighbourhood.

Sehun enjoyed having Luhan as a company. The boy was always been the bundle of happiness, hardly cried even though Luhan often bumped something or tripped on his way. Sehun thought it’s probably because Luhan was stupid but then he found himself would always be there, gave a hand to Luhan so the boy didn’t have to get up alone. Sehun realized then, love didn’t hurt that much if he was near Luhan, laughing and crying together with the boy. Instead, his love for Luhan opened his eyes to see the world in a different way, in a better way and because of that he felt he could be a better person.

.

It was the autumn of their third year, when they saw a boy around their age, brunette hair messed, face tucked down, and body shivered in a silent cry in front of a grey colored prairie house. Sehun and Luhan looked at each other, suddenly had the same thought of walking at the smaller boy and Sehun watched as Luhan tapped the boy’s shoulder, as gently as he could.

Still the boy flinched and looked up, let them saw the swollen dark orbs and damp puffy cheeks from tears.

‘Fine! I’m going out this house!’

From the house, they heard a woman voice shouting in furious.

‘Just go and never come back, you !’

For a while, the three only stared at the closed door where everything happened, before Luhan tucked the smaller boy into his chest, murmured a low, ‘there, there, you’ll be okay.’ as he talked in a comforting way, Sehun saw the boy finally reacted by hugging Luhan as tight as he could and cried his heart out loud, rambled incoherently about how he treasured his mother and he didn’t want his mother leaving him alone.

‘It’s okay.’ Luhan smiled while pecked the boy’s temple as if it could ease the pain away, ‘you’re not alone, we will always be on your side from now on,’ he turned to share this promise with Sehun, ‘right, Sehunnie?’

That’s the day they met Kyungsoo.

.

Let’s say, Sehun felt unpleasant with the fact that Kyungsoo was the oldest in between the three. They were born in the same year, but different months, which made Sehun became the youngest. He didn’t like it. Why everyone looked so petite and cute, while he looked like a fifth grade student already.

‘Life is unfair.’

One day he grumbled at his best friends as they hung out in the park, bought Ice Cream and then sat together under the tree. Luhan and Kyungsoo turned at him, gave him the same questioned look so he took Kyungsoo’s smaller hand and measured the size of his palm with the brunette’s, ‘see,’ he asked Luhan, ‘is it me who grow too fast or you guys stopped growing?’

‘That’s normal, Sehunnie.’ Luhan laughed, ‘your parents, they’re tall too so I think it’s in your gene.’

‘But Soo’s brother is tall too and he’s just in six grade.’ Sehun glared at Kyungsoo, ‘then why are you so small, Kyungsoo?’

‘I don’t know.’ Kyungsoogiggled, averted his eyes from Sehun as he continued laughing shyly. It made this heart tightened with a familiar feeling. A special feeling he used to have for Luhan, and now his heart beat thumped even louder, made him happy and happier that he smirked at the shy boy,

‘I doubt you’re a guy, Kyungsoo.’

‘Eh?!’ the said boy snapped, blush crept on the face as he saw Sehun’s smile turned into grin.

‘I-I’m a guy.’ Soo said stutteringly, ‘see, I’m wearing boy clothes.’

‘But we’ve never seen you ’ Luhan chuckled lightly, and then gave Sehun a high five when they saw Kyungsoo’s face turned into mourn.

‘Ah, Kyungie why are you so cute, don’t cry, ok?’ Luhan hugged Kyungsoo into his chest, ‘we’re only playing around, right, Sehunnie?’

‘Umm.’Sehun chuckled too, as his heart felt warmer in the last days of autumn, and it’s all because he was here, together with people he loved.

However, as the winter passed by and the spring came, there’s a girl who confessed to Luhan. It made Sehun stared at Luhan longingly, as he and Kyungsoo hide behind the Cherry Blossom tree, watched Luhan talked with the girl. He didn’t say anything about it, but he never thought someone else would love Luhan and would take Luhan away from his side, so instead of feeling jealous, he felt sad.

‘Sehunnie.’

Apparently, Kyungsoo realized his pain as he heard the boy murmured in a careful tone, ‘do you love Luhan?’ it was an innocent question but it’s like opening the lock to this hidden feeling. He turned at Kyungsoo, didn’t have intention to glare but the boy wincing a word of ‘sorry’ and ‘I won’t ask again’ so Sehun smiled to melt the tension a bit and brushed the short bang of Kyungsoo hair gently with the tip of his fingers, to let the boy knew he’s not mad with the question.

‘Yes I love him and I don’t know what I should do about it.’

He’s just broken heart, giving up his love before he even dared to say it out loud. He loved Luhan but then what else? What else he should do? At that time he didn’t understand a thing about love, how to love and beloved. All he did was leaning his head on Kyungsoo’s neck, entwined their fingers and close his eyes, let the tears falling as he finally said it out, his biggest fear,

‘What will happen to me if he falling in love and then leave?’

He never expected to be answered, hence cared, he only wanted to say it so he was shocked when he heard Kyungsoo murmured hoarsely,

‘At least you still have me, Sehunnie’

At their age, there’s no distinguished meaning of ‘having’, and the most thing Sehun treasured in his life -so long- was a thick book of ‘Big animals and Small animals’ a present from his Dad at his 6^th birthday. Now, Kyungsoo claimed to be one of  the ‘thing’ he possessed, although by owning someone it didn’t mean Sehun had to place Kyungsoo in the corner of his bed, along with his blue teddy bear, Blue. He learned that since that day, he looked at Kyungsoo a little longer than he should. He watched how Kyungsoo talked, laughed, frowned, and every time they were near, Sehun loved to touch Kyungsoo.Even in the simplest form of affection like patting the narrow shoulder or holding the skinny wrist, it made him delighted at how cute Kyungsoo flinched nervously upon his presence and the intimacy in between them.

If he recalled, it was the time when he lost track of Luhan, cause Kyungsoo was all around him, fitting in every aspect of his life. Even when they hung out together, Luhan became a shadow, a distant friend who smiled and laughed hollowly at seeing his closeness with Kyungsoo. He only realized there’s a huge gap in between Luhan and him, when the first Semester of their sixth grade, Luhan appeared in front of his door, all wet from the heavy rain.

‘What is it, Luhan?’ He asked, ‘where’s your umbrella?’

Instead answering his question, Luhan titled his head and squealed happily, ‘Oh, what should I do, Sehunnie.’ He giggled, ‘I think I’m in love.’

It almost counted as a confession, and Sehun almost said sorry for not be able to love Luhan like he did before. Now, he loved Kyungsoo too. He needed Kyungsoo to be around him just like he needed to breathe and he’s afraid life wouldn’t be as sweet as he wanted it to be, if he chose Luhan over Kyungsoo.

That’s when he was introduced to Kai.

Kai was a jerk. He looked like a bad boy, always moody and his fierce glare towards people made Sehun wanted either to punch him right in the face or just gather his precious friends and sailed to the farthest continent from that boy. He didn’t have idea why Luhan had Kai as a guest to their lunch at the regular café, or why Luhan couldn’t stop giggling shyly every time his eyes met with the dark brown orbs.

‘Don’t judge a book from the cover.’ Kyungsoo whispered to him, as they watched Kai and Luhan talked with each other.

‘So,’ Sehun knew he shouldn’t interfere, cause he’s not done judging the character of this stranger, but he really itched to tell Kai not to mess with him or with Kyungsoo, or with Luhan, ‘how did you guys met?’ he asked Kai, but apparently Luhan was too happy and took in charge explaining what had happen even before Kai opened his mouth. Well, Sehun didn’t get pleased with that. He wanted to know about Kai, not Luhan. But, to hear Luhan’s story, he began realized there were things Luhan kept from him (or in this case, he was too busy to care) and suddenly his heart crushed in sorrow for making Luhan retreated from being on their side and watched him having his happily-ever-after with Kyungsoo.

 ‘Am I a bad friend?’ he asked Kyungsoo, when they sat next to each other in the backyard of the brunette’s house, eyes watching Luhan’s face who was sleeping soundly on Kyungsoo’s lap. He smiled bitterly, ‘I don’t even know he’s taking a dance class.’

Kyungsoo stared at him, before the smaller boy leaned his head on Sehun’s shoulder, ‘Don’t blame yourself, Sehunnie. He was just about to tell you, but still thinking about the right moment.’ The brunette inhaled a breath and chuckled at Luhan, ‘he’s afraid you’ll laugh at him.’

‘No, I won’t.’ Sehun let a small smirk appeared on his face. True, maybe he would laugh at Luhan, maybe he wouldn’t stop making fun of it for the whole year.

‘Sorry, I’m late.’

Sehun looked at the glass door, where Kai came out from the family room wearing a small smile on his face. Kyungsoo was right, they shouldn’t judge people from the look. Kai might have a mean face, but as the time goes and Kai started hanging out with them, they began familiarized with the boy’s quietness and calmness. Although when Kyungsoo said Kai was kinda charming, it made Sehun angry. No, he’s not jealous. Only Kyungsoo was his, so Kyungsoo shouldn’t fancied other boy aside from him cause he wouldn’t share Kyungsoo with anyone else.

Besides, there’s something in between Luhan and Kai.

He asked Kyungsoo what was it, why Luhan had to be embarrassed to share a bath time with Kai, or turned away when Kai exchanged clothes, or why he was all red and shy when he talked with Kai. It almost like Luhan turning into a girl and Sehun felt like he wanted to throw up. How could a precious Luhan turned into this giddy creature?

Kyungsoo said, Luhan was in love with Kai, and it answered the stupid questions in Sehun’s head. He felt weird though, cause he loved Luhan and he should feel jealous, or at least, sad. But no, he was content with it and he began loving them together. It felt like looking into a mirror and see if it was how people saw his relationship with Kyungsoo.

‘Do you still love Luhan?’

In their 14^thSummer, Kyungsoo asked him the time they stopped in front of Luhan’s house, to pick Luhan up to the bonfire party with Oh Family.

‘Yes.’ Without any thought, Sehun answered with a smile, ‘I never stop loving Luhan.’ As a friend, as a brother, as someone precious in his life-

‘Then what about me?’ there’s a crack in Kyungsoo’s voice, Sehun started to think he gave the boy a false answer, ‘do you love me too?’

‘I do.’ Sehun’s smile trailed away, frowned at seeing the pair of black orbs looking at him in disappointment. What should he do? He knew the meaning of love is different, when it was about Kyungsoo. He just didn’t have ability to point it out and so now he’s afraid, Kyungsoo would think he loved Luhan and he wanted Luhan in a deeper meaning than a friendship.

‘Why did you ask that?’ he tried to ease the awkwardness but it’s too late. Kyungsoo already set his own mind, thinking about their relationship was ended as a trade. Kyungsoo traded his freedom so Sehun would stay with him, so they could always be together. But Kyungsoo thought Sehun’s love was strictly for Luhan and there's nothing Sehun could do about it now.

‘Luhan?’

For a while, they dismissed the discussion and opened the unlocked door of Luhan’s house, after hearing no answer from inside. They walked in and stared at the familiar shoes placed neatly in the foyer, before Sehun made his way upstairs, right to Luhan’s bedroom door. Kyungsoo followed behind, only to bump at Sehun’s back, winced at the small thump hit his nose but it’s not hurt at all. He’s only peeked from Sehun’s back in curious of why Sehun suddenly turned into statue.

In front of them, there’s an open door and what they saw was two teens on the bed, and moaned at every meeting with their hips. It made Kyungsoo hide his ashamed face into Sehun’s arm, and it made Sehun froze at the first time he saw a love-making scene. He knew . He just didn’t have idea before how could created love, and the otherwise. But the way Luhan whimpered at the pain and pleasure forced into him and the way Kai tried to grab Luhan, to make Luhan completely submit, it made his heart raced in excitement. This was what he missed. Love was not enough just by holding hands, or transferred by whispers and kisses. Love had to claim, to devour, to take and give, just like how Luhan give Kai his trust and Kai give Luhan his love.

‘Sehun, I think we shouldn’t watch.’

Kyungsoo words brought him back from the trance and with that they went downstairs, decided to wait for Kai and Luhan at the front door. There’s nothing they shared in this silent, except the entwined hands in between them. They just had their first ‘live’ scene and still needed to recover from the shock of the new way of intimacy and the intense moments, especially it was happened to Kai and Luhan, their dearest friends.

‘It’s okay.’

When Sehun was thinking about how they ended like that, he heard Kyungsoo murmured lowly, ‘I know you must feel hurt to see Luhan and Kai together.’

Sehun wanted to say ‘no’ cause whatever marched his heart beat now it won't be counted as hurt. He was curious and excited to know what had happen to Kai and Luhan, and why they ended in the same bed, ing each other brain out. But then he remembered, and sighed. This was all about ‘Sehun loved Luhan but couldn’t be together’ thing again.

‘No matter what happen after this ...’ Kyungsoo looked up and smiled at him, tried to look strong while Sehun knew the boy could cry a river now, ‘just so you know, I'll always be yours.’

This misunderstanding would be a huge problem for both of them, but the only thing Sehun could do was leaning down and pecked Kyungsoo’s lips chastely to ease away the bitterness in their hearts,

‘I love you, Kyungsoo.’

If Kyungsoo didn’t have faith in love, then Sehun would  just say it as many as he could until Kyungsoo realized his love for the boy was already deep rooted in his heart.

*

TBC

A/N: the first chappie is done ^^ how was it?