My blood is as cold as ice-ValeKissMe
SPACE AND TIME COLLABORATION REVIEW || hiatus||
Title - 5/10
JJ: Well... " blood" isn't really good in that title. Unless you're telling me she's a robot and doesn't have blood, a better option would be " heart" , but I warn you, it's cliche all right.
IW: As jj said, it should be heart, so I won't elaborate on that. But somehow I feel that the title is a bit out of place, not totally relating to the whole story, only the start and the end. Your story should have more emotional conflict when the main character is falling in love. I can't find much love in the story, so maybe it would be better if your title was relating to the action...?
Description and Foreword-7/10
JJ and IW: you explained what InterLab was and your main character, and it was quite good. However, you revealed too much of your plot, a little less would be better.
Content and plot- 35/50
JJ&IW: Your main character is supposed to be in love with Ren, right? We looked at some of your chapters and we almost couldn't find anything suggestive about that. With out your description, we probably would not have known she was in love till the end.
Also, Mr Park was suppose to add a " suspense" factor correct ? We weren't really interested with him, despite whatever was supposed to keep us entertained.
Next, not enough descriptions of the characters feelings and action to give the readers a visual image of what's happening.
The story plot of InterLab and acting as bodyguards is not... probable. This is where minor loopholes appear. Girl bodyguards? And only 2 of them? Quite unrealistic but all right, we'll take it. Also, isn't your story a romance? Too focused on the action.
Characters- 25/35
JJ&IW: First of all, Mr Park doesn't make much sense. He should be in a mental hospital and a prison cell rolled into one by now. Our question: What is his objective in the first place? To ' play' with girls? If so, make it more clear that he is just a crazy sick psycho. But if he is not crazy, just sadistic, you have to give a reason why he's targeting the main character. He's currently extremely easy to see through right now, way too 2D.
For the original character, there are not enough feelings. It seems too unreal, as if the character is just reading from a script.
Grammar and spelling - 15/20
JJ&IW: Please try to use the proper inverted commas, arrows are way too confusing. There are a few tense mistakes every now and then, but overall you manage to keep the tense constant. Not bad at all.
Organisation & flow: 28/35
JJ&IW: The flow has some problems, some parts just don't gel. There's a few kinks you could work out , and stretching a little won't be bad too.
First impression: 12/20
JJ: The first impression... Was overall quite ok, but I didn't really like how you used a character chart. It would be better to keep your characters a mystery, so you can stray from their personalities a little without people getting too confused. Plus Ren is suppose to melt the girl's heart correct? The ending suggests the direct opposite. But yes, it does make sense.
IW: First off, let me say that the arrows really put me off. The first sentence is sometimes the most important, the determining factor of your story( at least for the readers) . Skip a few chapters ahead, you can't really find much romance brewing between Ren and the OC.
Overall satisfaction 12
JJ: I got really really confused when I read the story. I didn't understand - did they like each other or not? It just didn't really suit me, and I was a little disappointed.
IW: because of the lack of romance and feelings, the story did not settle well for me. It feels unfinished, somehow.
Total: 139/200
Bronze
3rd
Comments:
JJ: Once your English gets better, we're looking forward to something greater from you! I think that you can go maybe a little further with your current writing skills, so it's good if you can brush up. Still, I wouldn't mind reading your story.
IW: English isn't your first language, so I'm pretty impressed! But you should try to polish your language and rethink your plot more carefully next time before you write.
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