Luhan's Puzzle
SPACE AND TIME COLLABORATION REVIEW || hiatus||Luhan's Puzzle
Title(/10): 6
The jade puzzle ( as I am going to call it) isn't really Luhan's, although you could keep the word in. Something related to either Luhan's relationship with Baekhyun , seeing how I expect it to twist somewhere down the line, or to the main content of collecting the jade pieces would be more suitable.
But from another view, it gives off a sense that LUHAN is the creator of the jade pieces, instead of being the one to bring together the pieces, so do watch out when naming.
It can also be treated as Luhan's greatest mystery, which I think is the original intention. Since its a very ambiguous, I'm not sure what to give it.
Description&Foreword (/10) :6
The description gives off too much of the actual story plot plus Baekhyun and Luhan's relationship isn't as smooth sailing, so try to limit how much of your plot you are actually revealing. This allows you to stray from the plot a little more, while keeping the characters alive.
I like how you give an excerpt of your writing though. However, you could put in actions to mix in the words. Speaking alone leaves a empty feeling, that something is missing, no matter how good the words are. A little more description could bring the it even further.
I'll try rephrasing it for you, just as an example, as how I view the house. I'm also using most of your original content, just adding some words and changing the tense.
~Sky dawns, and Luhan slowly looks up. The new house looks like a palace with its white walls and red brick roof, more than Luhan could ever imagine. Could this house really be their home? Was it? Luhan questions unsurely.
"Is this really it, ma?"
Luhan's mother looks up and stares at the house with more interest than Luhan. Curiosity and excitement filling her worn eyes that have seen more than anyone could in a lifetime. The house seems like a heaven to her.
"Yes. Our neighbor is your old friend! Remember Zhang Yixing? I hear people call him Lay now." She replies. Her voice is warm and sweet like honey,as if it was keeping her son sheltered from the harshness of this world.
Luhan his head, trying to recall that name . All he can think of is a blurred face, and a welcoming smile brighter than the stars.
" Yixing? Yeah, that sounds familiar. He's like us right?"
Luhan's mother nods very seriously, her excitement vanishing almost instantly, replaced by a stricter but kind tone.
"You'll have someone to talk to now." Pulling gently on Luhan's sleeve, she guides Luhan to the next house, knocking on the oak door. A tall, brown-haired male opens the door, standing there calmly. His smile makes Luhan feel like melting, with a single simple on one side. Without introduction, Luhan knows this beautiful creature is Zhang Yixing, but doesn't dare to believe it. How can such a handsome person exist?~
I'm not going to rewrite the whole thing for you, but this is just to show how much potential those few lines have to be stretched.
Content& Plot:(/50) 35
I like the main concept of the jade and the owners, but you have yet to explain what is so important about this jade. Can't you just buy regular jade from a jewellery shop? What's so unique about Luhan's, Baekhyun's and the others pieces of jade? I feel that this key element is missing from the story, which could easily could have been explained in the beginning.
How did Luhan end up in Beijing ? How does he have a house there? If he was captured by JLAB, how did he escape? How did he buy the ticket to reach Beijing? How did he find out that Byun Baekhyun was also a jade piece owner, when JLAB themselves did not know? What's so great about completing the jade ornament?
Your story needs to explain the full ideas! Even if you wish to give suspense, you should at least explain subtly to add more mystery. By leaving loopholes in the smaller details, the main story itself won't turn out well. Explaining much later on confuses readers as well, so just mention it lightly if you don't wish to elaborate, or set a foundation for a deeper story line first, then revealing more of it down the road.
Also, your points are a little too direct. Instead of saying that someone was truly angry, you could say " his pitch and low and clear, dangerous and ready to explode".
You also elaborate too much on one point then forget about another even more important point.
However, on a brighter note, I think that with a few tweaks and fixed loopholes, your writing style would be quite great in the suspense department.
Characters (/35) : 20
Luhan
Luhan.... Seems a little too healthy mentally. If Lay broke him as much as it is hinted, he won't even be this content in lifetimes. Think about it, if someone betrayed you, taunted you, especially someone so close to your heart, you would be broken. I'm not saying he needs to be suicidal and all, but at least give him a level of sadness that he can break at any point, and you would expect it. Or give him a reason to survive. Just completing the jade puzzle isn't enough, you need something Luhan can never forget, an eternal memory he can never erase. He can alternatively be determined on his hatred for Lay, but that would make him much more reckless than now.
There could be a point where he's just acting on what others teach him, but there would be some drama about that when he finally realises. Which.... You may or may not want.
Would he act as his own cousin as well, in the face of an enemy? Chances are if they have captured him before, they already know how he looks like. I think he would either run or attack, so there's a slightly confused feeling there.
Baekhyun
Well.... He's a little bit 2D. The problem is, if you set something up for a reason, like he sought out Luhan to ask him about the jade pieces, you would state the purpose first and foremost before the opposite party had the chance to even say anything. His reactions to Luhan's questions and enquiries wasn't very good. He would have began talking first in such a situation, and be straight to the point.
In the following chapter as well, his focus is still on the jade pieces. Although his parents are mentioned once, I can see little mention of Baekhyun's pain, with I think a single line? Do elaborate a little more.
I understand how you are placing them as two very different people with two conflicting ideas of survival, but his words and ideals could have been slowly revealed, instead of all at once. Baekhyun is also too hotheaded, so tone his anger down a little, and give me a different side of him. Show me his other emotions. You might argue two brief meetings is a little too short for much character development, but you can be surprised at how much emotions go into forming even one sentence.
Despite Luhan's ability, there are blind spots that Baekhyun probably has mixed reactions on, so I think maybe you can show a little confusion on his side. If he's fragile, there's bound to be slim cracks on his walls.
Grammar&Spelling (/20) : 18
Your grammar and spelling is fine, just try not to start a sentence with "but". Your tense isn't right at times either, but overall it's not enough to turn off a reader.
Organisation and Flow(/35) : 26
You just lack the balance between action and thoughts. While it's is ok to have a action-filled chapter and another thought-filled one, mixing both together takes time and practise. Your chapters tend to swing to a lot of talking in the beginning, then becomes deeper towards the end. This isn't bad sometimes, in fact it's actually needed occasionally. However, you can't do it all the time. It can be seen by some people ( I asked around, sorry if you didn't want that) as actually being written by an extremely poor writer! You are not a bad writer, and your plot and content is actually there, but it's just because of an odd change from the beginning of the chapter to the end, most people just don't like it.
Consistency is the main key here. If you stick to having thoughts than keep it that way for the whole chapter, not necessarily the whole story.
Try not to use Chinese phrases randomly and short forms as well. I can understand Chinese so it's ok, but for western readers who may not, the food names are unclear and they may feel confused. You can try using the romanization or the English names though. The Chinese and short forms just stand out, so people tend to skip lines to see why, and don't really see the whole story.
Overall satisfaction (/20) : 14
I understand the whole story, and I find the content and plot great, but the characters just don't strike me. They aren't thought provoking, they just don't feel real. The strong emotions need to blend with the softer ones, so they don't come off as too focused.
First impression(/20) :15
The beginning took away some of the impression, but I was curious about the title anyway. It turned out slightly differently from what I had expected, yet I still read on.
Total:
140/200
Ranking:
Comments:
I think you just need to find a way to place everything together perfectly. Although you could do a little more characterisation of the characters. I didn't do one for Sehun because there isn't enough for me to write about right now sadly.
Sorry if you think my points are invalid.
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