On The Next Time (SaeMii)
SPACE AND TIME COLLABORATION REVIEW || hiatus||
Title (/10) :4
JJ and IW: It isn't a full sentence , it's just " on the next time" . Something like "on the next time we meet" or "maybe next time" would be better, seeing that Jiyeon actually reject Sehun( we assume)
Description&Foreword (/10) :7
JJ:The description is wrong to an extent. Firstly, you say Sehun likes to loaf in his brother's cafe during lunch right? But in the story you mention nothing about a lunch or the cafe being set near a school, so we can't assume it's a lunch break, and it's more suited for after school
Also , he doesn't know Jiyeon's name until chapter 1, so a girl is more suited.
IW: JJ only knows how to be critical. The description, if you did it like jj said, would be perfect.
Content&Plot (/50) :27
JJ: There's so much potential in this sort of storyline that could have been used. Their reactions, their emotions, I don't even see a handful of those. It's just actions all the way. You should try to limit the actions and include more emotions. Yes, you do have some of their thoughts , but is there anything other things? Maybe pick up a book, read it, and learn the balance between the two . And maybe also use things to show the emotions if you don't like direct ways like " the trembling of his tone" or something like that.
a lunch break is usually an hour, it's 15 minutes to walk to the cafe if it's close by, then another 10 minutes to chase Jiyeon, 10 minutes to talk to her, 10 minutes to walk back, another 20-30minutes to print the photos( since you said Sehun has photographs of her) 10 minutes to talk to Luhan, and 15 more minutes to walk back to school.
That's an hour and a half . Way too long even if Sehun's teacher is lenient. And he didn't even eat lunch !
Also, you talked about his portfolio right? But it's never stated he ever SUBMITTED a portfolio. And would a magazine actually get a HIGH SCHOOL student to do it? I doubt that.
So did Sehun walk to the Han river or drive ? In your sentence, it's both. That's not possible . I think you're trying to say that Sehun drove to the Han river , parked his car, then walked along it? But if Sehun can see Jiyeon from the cafe, why would he even need to drive to find her? Plus if Sehun is a school kid, who has to answer a teacher's question, then isn't he under aged and can't drive? Perhaps search out a proof reader , and get him or her to read everything again. There's just too many for two people to handle right now
IW:the plot is excellent, with a lot of potential to develop it into a really really descriptive and long story. However,you did not and some of the dialogue don't make sense. Luhan asks if he looks okay, but Sehun answers that he looks like he is drinking coffee in America. He should reply with" you look good".
The first part, the workers tell Luhan that Sehun is coming, but Sehun is already there. There should be something like " a while later"...
Also, no sane boy would tell a girl that he took a picture of her because she's cute. That's like admitting that he's a creepy stalker.
Characters (/35) : 18.5
No depth. Really, if a stranger came up to you like that, would you really do that?
Or even if you saw a girl you really liked but didn't know, would you chase her? That only happens in movies.
I would like to also fail you by a mark or two, but again, InkWarrior says I can't.
IW: yes, jj can't because the characters are not so bad that you cant understand them and they can't be human. You just have to make their actions make sense, and put in their feelings.They are still human.
Grammar&Spelling (/20) : 9
JJ: Well... I'm actually highly suspecting English isn't your first language (although my coauthor, InkWarrior4 just suspects you were writing really quickly) because of the number of grammar and punctuation mistakes in it. Most are just glaringly obvious, but at least you understand the meaning with a little inference, except for this one.
Are you talking about a MAN or MEN? Which is a plural. MEN refers to 2 or more people, which means you can't have them saying it's ok, because you said "his". BUT even if it was just a typo, since both the stranger and Sehun are both males, then who's saying it? It'll really mess it up a lot.
This one messed with me too .
IW: ahhhhhhhhhh I had a headAche reading this. If English ain't your first language, then fine. But if you are writing really quickly, do spare some time to edit so as to save your readers sanity.
Organization/Flow (/35) : 16.5
JJ an IW : Not much goes on it chapter 1 so I'll talk about chapter 2
You didn't divide, or break chapter between his going back to school, so I was caught by surprise when he suddenly went to school. You also didn't mention that Jiyeon works at a magazine, or even mention she's got anything related to that at all. Please, work on it.
Overall satisfaction (/20) : 11
JJ: I would fail you but InkWarrior said I can't . Again. Maybe I'm just shocked, but there's just so much unused potential . Your chapters are around 500-600 words long, but you don' end at very good places. Chapter 1 had no relation to chapter 2 except for the characters, and it didn't really end at a good place. Endingyr it at maybe Jiyeon's distress would be better, which would mean having. the Sehun portion before that , which means points taken for o&f
IW: i guess that the ending didn't leave the readers eager for more, or feeling full ( like after a meal). But you didn't have an exceptional amount of loopholes, and the plot continues on in a way that really saves your entire story. You deserve to pass.
First impression(/20) 11
JJ: The story had so much potential and I thought the continuation would be ok, but it has not relation at all. What did Jiyeon even say to Sehun? On the next time... What do they do on the next time ? And what next time?
IW: again , your plot( the kind that will save any story) pretty much is probably the reason why people don't give up at the sight of your grammar. But then again, I don't think it deserves a fail. It's not that bad.
Total : 104/200
Comments :
JJ and IW: your plot is the kind that everybody loves. You have to make use of that. Just remember to add in emotions and descriptions whenever possible, and think in the shoes of your character. ( Think: will a normal person do this? Say this? Is this person answering the question to the point?') . As for your grammar and spelling, if you cant help it, hire a beta reader. This story can go far.
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