Title: 7/10
InkWarrior4 Comments: The title is really nice, but it deosn't join up with the ending (which is pretty vital). And the story doesn't exactly mention our sunrises. It should be "our sunrise"
jjkpop:It's not a bad title, a little cliche maybe, but since you are referring to their sunrises together, the title shouldn't be " our sunrises" but instead something along the lines which refers to that particular sunrise that they share together in the story and what it signifies to them.
Description and Foreword- -/10
there's nothing to really say here. There is no foreword or description, so we'll be calculating percentage instead of total for this review.
Grammar and Spelling-20/20
JJkpop:Nope ! Not a single mistake in sight. You did well. ^.^
InkWarrior4: Impressed! Not everybody makes the effort to have such perfect grammar.
Content and plot: 39/50
InkWarrior4 Comments: same trouble with the organisation and flow- it repeats itself. And you could do with a bit of organising the sequence of events. Arrange it in a way that will lead to a more complete ending.
jjkpop: The descriptions are really great and the basic plot is simple, but because it's so descriptive, it's good as a one shot ,which it is, but not as a full story. Plus some areas are so long and draggy that others feel the need to skip over them. So you might want to cut back a little on some descriptions and some unnecessary portions.
You could have instead split this one shot into 2 different sunrises, and then use all the descriptions yet spreading the ideas out. That way it would be much more light on readers, and would still be as interesting.The poem was nice too, but really? No one can really say that sort of things without a script . It would have been better on maybe a card?
Characters- 25/35
InkWarrior4 comments: A bit too cheesy. If you were aiming at a v.sweet story, then ok.but for reality....its not...so...realistic. For a one shot though, it is acceptable, except for the especially cheesy parts.
jjkpop:Usually when you're with a loved one, you'll feel happy, bliss, indescribable emotions, and trapped in the moment. Your story plays the happiness and trapped in the moment well, but unfortunately overdoes the emotions with the characters to the point that you don't even have the ability in real life to be like that. you lose the 3D touch required to breath life into them. Try going for something more simple and less cheesy, with more emotions besides happiness. Maybe they're content with their current lives? Maybe they're not? Do they wish for kids?This makes them more realistic when they think through things.Don't give so many sappy lines as well, sometimes the simplest lines are the most powerful when the reactions of the other characters are good.
Organization and Flow-29/35
InkWarrior4 comments: Quite okay but it is a little repetitive, like too many sappy parts maybe? You could lessen the sappy parts,, and make it more subtle, but that way you can use it more often.
jjkpop:The whole portion from " As he tightened his arms..." To " by his best friends father" was quite a surprise . I think it would be better if you cut it out because it actually doesn't match the mood of the story. You could move it somewhere else, but in my opinion, it'll be better to delete it. The rest of the story is fine, but a little crowded and slightly messy, so a bit more paragraphing is needed.
First impression- 12/20
Inkwarrior4 comments : it just didn't really impress me.....when scanning through it just looks like the same thing. Like i said, repetitiveness.
jjkpop:The first impression was... Oh . It's one of those sappy overly done love stories. The beginning sounded like one, and so did the end, but turns out the story was done surprisingly well.
Overall satisfaction - 14/20
InkWarrior4 comments: I think the repetitiveness and the slightly abrupt ending affects this a little.You would like the reader to have a feeling of completeess at the end.
jjkpop:It's got great descriptions, but so many to a level that it seems more like something you'd refer to when you are not sure how to describe something rather than something you'd write . The ending is also a little too abrupt and shorter than most of the story is, and you repeated the content a little bit with different words.
Percentage: approximately 153 /200
Attained:
Silver
ranking:2nd
comments:
InkWarrior4 Comments: You have really great potential, but you have to be more careful when crafting your story, and make sure that the reader does not become too bored if you are too descriptive. Repetitiveness plays a major role her. don't overdo it then keep repeating,make it subtle, THEN you can put in those subtly cheesy parts. For a romance, try to add in more feelings and less dialogue. But it is a short story, so I know that would be quite difficult to achieve.
jjkpop:Honestly you have the potential to become an even better writer. The dialogue shouldn't expose so much of the story, their feelings and thoughts should as a romance story. Although maybe try writing a short but 2-3 chapter story instead of a one shot, because it may help you to balance your skills properly. Good luck!
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