thirty: wonton soup

I held my legs tightly, feeling my chest tighten - the wooden acoustic guitar laying just a few steps away from me, unmoving, untainted - almost as if it was mocking me, mocking me for having thought that it had never existed in the first place. Was I that naive to have thought that? How big of an idiot was I to have believed in such a thing? To believe that I could completely forget it?

"Uh..." I silently let out a weak breath, the first in a moment, as my chest continued to tighten - the first signs of a panic attack brewing. I shut my eyes tight, burying my head on my knees, counting to ten. It's okay. It's okay. I'll be okay. You'll be okay, Park Chanyeol. I chanted in my head but the more I did, the tighter I shut my eyes tight and the more I did that, the more I felt the tears forming at the edges of my eyes. I whined softly, feeling pathetic. Look at me, reduced to a rubble just from seeing that guitar.

I pulled my legs closer, close enough that I could feel the backs of my feet pressing against my backside. It was getting a little harder to breathe - or maybe that was because I was close to bawling my eyes out, I'm not sure - either way, I was... terrified. Why now? Why now? I just wanted to clean my house, go about my daily business while waiting for Kris, maybe cook or eat something or I don't know! Why now?!

The chime of my phone brought me back to my place. I fumbled for it and ogled at the caller ID. Kris was calling. Before I could register what was happening, I had pressed the call button and his voice echoed in the silence of my impending panic.

"Have you arrived safely, princess?" His teasing remark did little to ease my mood nor did it make me feel any worse. The fear was still there. My past was still there. My silence must've reached him as his tone changed from playful to concern, "Chanyeol?"

"..." My voice was lost to me, as was the rest of my body. I couldn't move and now that I think about it, if I glance just a little bit farther, I'd be face to face with my guitar once more. I buried my face into my knees again, not wanting to see it, adding in a muffled and choked voice, "... Kris."

"..." There was a tension in his voice that I thought I wouldn't be able to feel via a phone call, but I did and it only made me feel worse. "What happened?"

Nothing came out of me but a weak whimper. Not the best choice of words.

"Chanyeol, god, are you all right?" Kris's voice was strained with worry. Deep down, I could feel my heart open for his concern but I was too choked up in my trauma that I couldn't - I just couldn't... not like this.

"... Nn..." I gripped the phone tight. "I need you." I whispered, almost inaudibly. I thought he hadn't heard me but his next words made me think otherwise.

"I'll be there." He said, conviction in his voice. "I'll be there. Stay on the line with me."

"..." I nodded, another mistake on my part.

"Chanyeol?" Kris's voice shook with worry at my silent response.

"O-Okay." I croaked, feeling my throat lock against me. First my lungs, now my throat... I choked a cry. I feel miserable, horrible and just useless but the sound of Kris and his voice trying to soothe me made me stay connected to where I was, which was what I really needed right now. I needed him and I know he's going to make fun of me for that later on but right now, I didn't care. I didn't want to feel like this.

Please hurry, Kris!

The door slammed open - god, I forgot to lock it, he's never going to let me out now - and Kris came rushing in, shoes off in an instant and ragged breath escaping his lips. His coat was put on hurriedly that he didn't have time to button it up and he was still in his chef's uniform minus the apron. I dropped the phone and pulled my head up. Our eyes met and without even missing a beat, Kris was rushing towards me, arms enveloping me in an instant.

"God, what the happened, Chanyeol? Are you hurt? Were you hurt?" He asked, hands checking to see if I had injuries or anything, his warm hands and ragged breath brushing at my skin and hair that I lost the ability to control my emotions. He pulled back when I didn't respond and cupped my cheeks. "Chanyeol, hey, look at me-- why are you crying?"

, I'm crying?! Not again... I thought but my body was against me. It was moving beyond my will. I sobbed helplessly in his arms.

"Chanyeol--" Kris tried to speak but when I gripped at his coat, he decided not to. He embraced me, pulling me closer and rocked me slowly, pressing his lips onto my hair in a way I thought would make my heart melt. Or maybe it already has and I was just too caught up being in his arms to notice. The coldness of my panic and trauma suddenly vanished, all because Kris was here. Damn, I'm so gone. I'm...

I froze.

I'm doing it again.

"It'll be all right." Kris whispered against my hair. His warm, soothing voice - a comfort in itself. But I was rigid. I was lost. I couldn't respond to him. In my silence, he sighed, "Is there... Is there anything I can do to help?" He said softly, a bit of tension in his voice, it was almost awkward but I knew that it was a big leap for him - not to just take the initiative and handle things on his own. Kris was growing and changing. What about me?

I clutched at his coat and buried my face, ashamed. I'm doing it again.

"Chanyeol? What do you want me to do?" He asked carefully, caressing the back of my head so soothingly that it was beginning to be very difficult to ignore. "I want to help you."

"You are," I added weakly, feeling my heart break. "Just don't leave me, okay?"

"I'd never--"

Before he could finish, a few words left my mouth without my notice, almost inaudibly. "Everyone leaves me."

Kris felt as if his mind was suspended upon hearing those words. "Chanyeol..?" He called to me again, but I could already feel the weight of my panic get to me. I felt my eyes close as I lay my weight against his torso. I hadn't realized I was drifting. All I could feel was Kris around me... and how fast my past was catching up to me.

Kris knew Chanyeol had drifted and he didn't mind it, he needed to close his eyes and get some rest, it seemed. What he did mind though was what he said before he fell asleep. "Everyone leaves me" is not exactly something he'd expected to hear and it seemed that Chanyeol was unaware that he had said it himself. Kris sighed against Chanyeol's face, rubbing small circles around his back, making sure that even in his sleep he'd know that Kris was still around. It was in these moments, in the silence of the hallway, that Kris's eyes travelled to the acoustic guitar lying nearby.

"A guitar...?" He mumbled to himself as he looked at it. It looked used but taken care of. What was it doing here? Did Chanyeol..? He turned to the young man in his arms, completely out of it. Did this have something to do with what Chanyeol's worrying over lately? Yifan shook his head. As far as he was concnered, Chanyeol's well-being mattered first. He slowly stood up, carrying the sleeping male with him and moving to the living room where he laid Chanyeol on the couch.

From the outside, it didn't seem like he was hurt anywhere so this had something to do with what has been bugging him lately. Kris sighed, sitting at the edge of the sofa, turning his head to gaze at Chanyeol's sleeping face - he seemed calmer despite the tear tracks on his cheeks. Kris brushed a stray tear away before carefully threading his fingers in Chanyeol's hair.

"You better tell me everything when you wake up, Park Chanyeol." Kris muttered quietly, leaning forward to press a surprisingly gentle kiss over his forehead.

I woke up to the sound of something cooking in the kitchen. When I realized where I was, Kris's figure was hovering above me, his hand over my forehead - gentle yet reassuring. It was a pretty odd thing to feel coming from a guy like him.

"..." I stared blankly back at him as he brushed aside my bangs, his long fingers carressing