nineteen: spicy turkey and lettuce wraps

I managed to change into Kris’s new sweatpants after what felt like an eternity. When I found my senses again, I meekly opened the door and I could hear people talking in the living room area – Lay and Kris. I didn’t want to go over there. I didn’t even want to be here in the first place.

I pursed my lips as I thought back to what happened earlier. Kris just stopped me from spilling out my feelings. I knew it. He really doesn’t like me after all, huh? Then what the hell are we both doing? I just don’t understand anything anymore.

“Eh? Chanyeol?” Xiumin’s voice shocked me from behind. I whipped my head back and tried to control my facial expression. I wondered what kind of face I was making; I hoped it wasn’t something pretty intense.

“X-Xiumin-sshi...?” I stammered, smiling awkwardly.

“...” Xiumin blinked his eyes and stared on. He then flashed an innocent smile, “What’s wrong?”

“Huh?” I asked back.

“Oh, no, don’t take this the wrong way but...” Xiumin scratched the back of his head. “You look a little... down.”

“... M-Me?” I asked again, looking aside. It’s not like I wanted to tell him that his friend has been giving me one hell of a roller coaster ride of my emotions. I gulped, not really knowing what to say back. Xiumin hummed.

“Well, I’ve actually wanted to talk with you.”

“Wh-What?” I nervously fidgeted, feeling incredibly out of place all of a sudden. First of all, I didn’t want to be here. Second, I don’t have anywhere else to go. If I were to leave, I’d have to cross over to the living room where Lay and Kris were and I do not want to look at that guy’s face right now.

“Let’s go back to Kris’s room.” Xiumin suggested and I internally panicked.

I don’t want to go to his room. The more I’m around things of his, the more I’ll... I quieted down and gazed at my feet. Xiumin reached over and patted my shoulder, sort of egging me on to go back to the room either way. I’ve decided to just give it up. It’s not like I have any other place to go anyway.

When we got back to Kris’s room, I felt very nauseous. I glanced around and things of Kris flashed in my eyes – some cookbooks, pictures, papers, clothes...

“Uh...” I grunted as I sat down on Kris’s bed, along with Xiumin by my side. When I realized that I was looking very uncomfortable right beside him, I quickly looked back and apologized. “S-Sorry, I didn’t mean—“

“Did Yifan bully you?” Xiumin asked, nothing bad in his tone. It was just a curious question.

“Eh? U-Uh... n-no, I mean...” I blushed. Bully? The last moment we had was anything but bullying. If anything else, I was left with even more questions about the guy. But should I say that in front of Xiumin? I mean, I just met him too and this isn’t exactly something you can just say to someone you’ve just met.

“He’s not so good at dealing with people, huh?” Xiumin chuckled, asking something else, noticing my discomfort. “Don’t worry, you’re not the only one having trouble with him.”

“....” I paused, my thoughts running wild. When I finally gulped down the hard lump in my throat, the first thing I said to Xiumin was, “Why... Why is he like that?”

“Hm?”

“Oh!” I gasped, looking at him with wide eyes. “I-I didn’t mean anything rude, I was just—“

Xiumin chuckled, shaking his hand to put me at ease. “Oh no, I wasn’t scolding you or anything. Hm... Why is Kris like that, huh? Well, let’s see...”

“...” I blushed, probably because I asked something pretty personal about that monster that was just in a room nearby. Now, I’m talking with his hyung like we’ve been childhood friends.

Hmmm...?

“Uh... X-Xiumin-hyung... are you... how long have you known Kris?” I asked.

Xiumin grinned. “Since he was just a little brat.” He laughed, probably remembering the past or something.

“O-Oh.” I blinked, sort of wanting to imagine that.

“Let’s see,” Xiumin straightened up, rubbing his head a little. He was still probably recovering from his hangover. “Kris was born in China, ‘course you can probably guess that with his Chinese name... but when his parents split up, he found himself all the way in Canada, hoping to start anew, I guess.”

I found myself listening to every word and what was that just now? His parents split up? Did this guy just drop such a very deep topic so nonchalantly like that? I blinked, trying to look... well... normal. But I sort of found myself staring down slightly, deep in thought. Oh, so he came from a broken family... I gazed at nothing in particular. Something strange was bubbling up in my chest. What is it? Pity?

“That split up may have had a part in making him incredibly bad at dealing with people.” Xiumin rubbed his chin in thought. “After all, if he couldn’t even save his family from falling apart, what makes you think he can make relationships with other people? That sort of thing might’ve stuck to Kris until he just developed that ice cold personality of his.”

I shifted slightly. There was something very strange inside me that was bubbling up as I listened to Xiumin’s story. Kris... had not been able to keep his family’s relationship together. That must’ve been painful to watch. Maybe that’s why he’s so wary of people. If his own parents didn’t last long, then what about total strangers?

“Man, it was just hell when he was in school too. He’s always rubbing onto people the wrong way and nobody in cooking school really appreciated him or anything—“

“What?” I chirped up suddenly. “W-Wait a minute, what do you mean nobody appreciated him? I thought he was some kind of prodigy o-or cooking idol or something.”

“Well, he did cook really well and he was, basically, the star pupil but he wasn’t really appreciated for who he was as a person.” Xiumin gave this smile that had a bit of sadness to it. I don’t blame him. This was his childhood friend. “Then we have Yixing, of course, but Yixing is a carefree fellow....”

I stared as Xiumin paused, looking like there was something else he wanted to say but he was trying to look for the right words to put his thoughts together. When he looked back at me, there was something else in his eyes. Something... wishful? Nostalgic?

“Kris... never really had someone he could stand side by side with.”

And just like that, my heart shattered into a million pieces. What does that mean? That’s just insane. There’s no way, no way, he couldn’t have at least one confidant in his life. That’s impossible. I opened my mouth to argue but no words came out. That’s unbelievable. Kris? That monster? That two-faced, lying, cheap bastard had no one all along? He was alone all along?

I tensed as I recalled a conversation we had earlier.

“Look, I won’t pry or anything so you don’t have to be so melodramatic about it. So you’re not good with people, there are some people out there like that too. You’re not alone, you know?”

I suddenly felt sick in the stomach and I leaned forward, a suffocating feeling consuming me as the words from before continued to echo.

“I’m not alone, huh?” He echoed softly and I tensed.

“Uh...” I stammered, trying desperately to breathe. Now I understand what this bubbling feeling was. It wasn’t pity. It was sympathy. I understand now what it is he’s feeling. He’s just like me, right? Here I am, afraid of rejection whereas Kris...

He’s afraid of accepting people. He’s afraid of letting people in his shell. Could that have been why he stopped me from confessing? Was he... afraid of me?

“Xiumin.... ss