twenty-five: mango pudding II

It was unbelievably quiet when we headed back to my home. Sighing, I relieved myself of the shopping bags, dropping them on my counters while I hesitantly stole a peek at my cooking teacher’s back. He had nothing much to say to me on the way here, but I sure had a lot to ask to him – particularly about what happened earlier.

Busying myself with unpacking the groceries, I randomly decided to start a conversation. I just can’t stand these silent moments with him. It’s unbelievably unnerving. “When I was at it with the drunk guy earlier, we sure attracted a lot of attention, huh?”

“…”

“I hope not too many people were bothered by it.” I continued, trying to get him to talk. Just say something! Anything will do!

“….”

“I wonder if anybody managed to get a hold of that guy when we left. Ah, you also caused quite a scene yourself.” I glanced at him.

“….”

Are you kidding me?! “I guess all that attention even got your teacher involved too—“

Oh. Shoot. I brought the subject back unconsciously. I covered my mouth with my hand and turned to Kris. He had turned to look at me with eyes that warned me of something – as if I was about to step on a land mine.

“…” He pressed his lips, “Maybe that’s how he found us in the first place.”

“... Er…” I croaked. His mood is worse than ever. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to bring that up but—“

“Forget it,” He said, taking hold of his black apron while handing me my blue one. “We’ll start with the pudding now.”

I honestly didn’t feel like cooking. I wanted to know what happened. It hurts me when I don’t know things about him – things that seemed to cause him to react this way. I bit my bottom lip, remembering that Kris has had a hard time with people in the past and if I keep forcing my way into parts of him that he isn’t ready to reveal yet, he might just revert back to how he used to be…

… and it’s not like I’ve grown out of my fear of rejection too.

I took the blue apron and headed to his side. Just by standing beside him… I thought. Just by standing beside him is enough right? I’m satisfied with this right? It took me a long time to get to this point, after all. I watched as he was getting some mangoes and putting some in a food processor. He was explaining away as if nothing happened but I was hardly listening to him.

That teacher… I thought, eyeing him as he worked his magic – from placing mangoes in a processor to adding gelatin in a bowl with water. Who was he…?

Noticing my silence, Kris turned his head and gazed at me. “Chanyeol? Are you listening?”

Listening? “Kris—“ I started, looking at him straight in the eye, “I-I don’t know… how to say this… but—I mean—“

He dropped the bowl and wooden spoon, stopping his mixture of the gelatin. He flicked the stove off too. I didn’t even realize he had turned it on. He turned to face me and sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Is this about what happened earlier?”

“Yes,” I replied, gripping my hands tight.

“It’s nothing for you to be worried about.” He replied back and almost instantly, I knew that it was rehearsed. I gritted my teeth at him.

I took a brave step forward, entering his space. He blinked back as I added, “I doubt that. You told me earlier never to go near him and you’re telling me now that it doesn’t concern me? What the hell, Kris?”

He made a face, almost as if he was wounded, before looking back at the counter. In his eyes, I could see him mentally arguing with himself and for a brief moment, I felt no ill against him. After all, I just wanted to know.

I reached for his hands and held them – gently yet firmly. His eyes motioned back to me and I never left my gaze from him, “Hey,” I said, “Don’t think of this as if it’s the end of the world. You’re not alone anymore, after all. You have me, right? Or am I just a student again?”

He parted his lips briefly, surprised at my words. He looked down at the floor and sighed. Almost immediately, the tension I felt from his hands and body disappeared. He smiled for a second before leaning forwards to hug me. I was a bit taken aback – I didn’t think he’d hug me all of a sudden, but it must’ve meant something to him.

“… I’ll tell you,” He whispered by my ear and I tried not to blush at his soothing voice, “I’ll tell you everything.”

“…” I nodded my head as he released me. He took the bowl of gelatin and placed it in my hands, “Huh?”

“After we make this pudding.” He smirked and turned back to the stove. I blinked, rolling my eyes at him.

“You never give up, do you?” I teased.

After whisking the mango puree and gelatin and putting them in cups to refrigerate, Kris made some coffee for the two of us. I took off my blue apron and sat myself back in the living room as I waited, nervously, if I might add.

This seems to be a big deal to him. I thought, moving a hand up to bite at a fingernail anxiously. Strange, I’ve never felt this scared before. I glanced at the stack of cookbooks and hesitated at looking at the one with the teacher’s picture in it.

Within moments, Kris arrived with two cups of coffee, handing one to me. He glared at me as I bit at my fingernail, “Chanyeol, stop that.”

“Huh?” I gasped, realizing what I was doing as I pulled my hand back. “I-I didn’t do it on purpose.” I stammered as I sipped at the warm drink, eyes looking at him for any sign of him starting his confession. I felt like puking to be honest. It was like I was going to deliver a speech to a jam-packed stadium or something.

When Kris placed his cup down, I did the same. I repositioned myself so that I was almost facing him. I just wanted him to know that I was listening. He looked pretty solemn, as if he was remembering whatever it was that happened between him and the teacher—

Hm? I thought to myself. I suddenly grew even more nervous… and jealous.

“… Well,” He scratched the back of his neck, “Where do I start?”

“…” I gripped at my pants, “You could… answer my question.”

“Which is?”

I gulped the lump in my throat and looked at him warily, “D-Did anything happen between you two? I-I mean… were you—were you two—did you two date or something before?”

Why do I have to ask that first? Am I digging my own grave—

He blinked for a second or two before flicking his fingers at my forehead. “No.”

“What?”

“I didn’t date him.” He replied, a deadpan look on his face. “Besides, he was married when he was already teaching.”

“O-Oh.” I blushed. “But, you know, I couldn’t help but think that!”

“You’re so stupid.”

“I’m not—“ I hissed, “It’s just that, with the way you acted, anybody would’ve thought that something—something big happened between you two!”

“Something big, huh?” Kris’s look was suddenly distant, “Well, I guess you could say something did.”

“Huh?” I blinked again.

“It’s also one of the reasons why I moved to Korea,” He paused, “No, it’s probably the real reason why I moved here.”

“What do you mean?” I reached over a hand to touch his leg. His eyes looked over before he leaned back at the sofa, taking my hand into his. I blushed at our contact but it seemed that Kris needed the support. “Tell me, from the beginning. Everything.”

He pressed his lips tight and took a deep breath, “You already know that I started off my professional cooking career in Canada five years ago. Around that time, I was pretty much how I was before – a celebrity and all that. My name was known in most restaurants, so I guess you could say I cooked publicly a lot too. It’s how I earned a living and how I trained myself to near perfection. After all, when you’re in professional kitchens, that’s where you’ll find most of the competition.”

His hand suddenly rubbed small circles on the back of mine and I felt a little dizzy from feeling it. I scooted closer to him as he continued his story.