“Wha-what?” I asked, not entirely sure that I heard or understood him correctly.

            Kyuhyun eyes searched mine.  “I want to kiss you—I just can’t shake this feeling—I’ve wanted to for months.  And now you tell me that you’re actually gay, after watching you date one girl after another and losing all hope that I would ever have a chance with you, now you tell me that you weren’t interested in them at all…and I just don’t know what to do.”

            “Kyuhyun…” I said, at a loss for words, still in disbelief of what he’d said.

            “Does that make me gay too?  It must!  I’ve never been more than mildly curious about any girl, but I think about you all the ing time.” 

            I was stunned.  I never had any clue that what Kyuhyun felt for me might be more than friendship, but now as I thought about it, he’s never befriended any of my ex-girlfriends.  I wouldn’t even go as far as to say he was nice to them.  He’d always been a little possessive of his time with me, so I assumed it was completely natural for him to feel that way.  Looking back on the situation through a different lens, knowing that his reactions were fueled by his confessed interest in me, I could then see where my assumptions had been wrong. 

            Kyuhyun continued to lie there on his back, looking at me.  His brown eyes were nearly black in the darkness of the room, but I could easily detect the hunger and frustration in them.  Finally, he turned his head away, closing his eyes, and rubbed his hand over his face.

            “…just…please don’t leave.  Don’t…I don’t want to lose you…I…”

            That was all my heart could take at the moment.  I didn’t want him to suffer anymore.  I didn’t want to either.  So, I crawled over to him and knelt beside him.  Then I grabbed his wrist and pulled his hand away from his face and his eyes blinked open in surprise, staring up at me.  I bent down and let my eyes close shut as my lips softly touched his.

            At first, he remained completely still.  He did not tense up, however, and his lips were pliant against mine.  I increased the pressure of my lips on his and he gradually began to move them against mine.  Then he suddenly seemed to abandon all his restraint as a pained moan escaped his lips.  He grasped my shoulders and pulled me down to him until I was lying on top of him.  My palms were pressed against his chest, but I brought one hand up to cup his face, letting my fingers caress his skin in a way I’d never allowed myself to before.  Kyuhyun kissed me back greedily.  His hands roamed over my back and arms, unable to stay still.

            After a minute of this, he rolled us over so he was on top of me and kissed me harder, the seam of my lips.  I parted my lips and he slipped his tongue inside and began exploring my mouth.  I wrapped my arms around his neck, not wanting this moment to end, not wanting him to ever stop.  I’d wanted him for so long at this point, it felt like a dream.  In my deepest fears, I wondered if I really wasn’t dreaming and this whole moment was a figment of my imagination.  How I would die if I woke to find none of this was real!  I doubted I would ever recover. 

            Kyuhyun eventually pulled his lips from mine and braced himself up with his elbows.  His eyes were closed, his head bowed as he gasped for air.  I was breathing heavily beneath him, desperate to know what was going on in his head.  Was he completely with it, after we’d drunk so much wine?  Had I made a mistake in kissing him?  I was so afraid I hadn’t done the right thing. 

            “What does…what does this mean?” he asked me breathlessly.  “Are you only kissing me…out of pity?”

            “No,” I whispered back, cupping his face and directing him to look at me.  “No.  I wanted to kiss you too.”

            Kyuhyun rested his head in the crook of my neck, his breath still labored.  I rubbed his shoulders and back.  I couldn’t keep my hands off him now that we’d crossed that bridge together.  I wanted more, but I knew this was completely foreign to him.  In the whole time I’d known him, he’d never dated anyone, and I was respectful of the fact his emotions were probably out of control at the moment.  I was far from feeling calm myself.  I was maybe only a little more relaxed due to the wine we’d drunk, otherwise I might have been freaking out a little more than I was.  All I could think of was how wonderful it was to touch him, to hold him, to kiss him. 

            “If you tell me this was a mistake in the morning…that you were drunk…I don’t know what I’ll do,” he admitted.

            “I’m not drunk.  I’m not completely sober, but I’m fully aware of what’s going on,” I informed him.  “And if one kiss isn’t enough, we can do it again…tonight, tomorrow.”

            Kyuhyun rose up enough to look at me, letting out a trembling breath.  “No, once isn’t nearly enough.” 

            Then he kissed me again.  I don’t know how long we were making out, it might have been hours, but exhaustion finally took hold and we drifted off to sleep holding onto each other.  The last thing I remembered was resting my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat lull me to sleep, as he lazily played with my hair.

Thursday, December 25, 2008…

            There was a loud rap on the door, which startled me awake.  “Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, breakfast will be ready in a ten minutes,” called his mother from the other side of the door.

            When the realization hit me that we were at Kyuhyun’s parents’ house and that we’d been making out all night, I went into a brief panic.  Kyuhyun and I were entangled in each other’s arms, both of us lying on our sides facing each other, and I pushed away from him and sat up in bed.  “Thank you!” I called out, afraid that if I didn’t answer her she’d open the door and see us.  I didn’t relax until I heard her footsteps heading back down the hall and heard her knock on Ahra’s door as well.

            At this point, Kyuhyun began to wake up and was watching me closely, his brows creased with concern.  I plopped back down into bed, holding my hand against my heart, suddenly realizing that even if we were both mutually interested in one another, nothing about this situation was simple. 

            “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice deep from sleeping.  He reached over and covered my hand with his, gently squeezing.

            “I thought your mother would walk in and see us,” I explained. 

            “That’s not okay?”

            “Okay?” I repeated, turning to look at him.  “Are you serious?  We have no idea how they’d react to something like that!  Even if we said we must have hugged each other in our sleep or something, I think they’d still be rather shocked about it.  What a way to start off Christmas morning!”

            Kyuhyun laughed a little, which floored me.  “They alre