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** Thank you so much to Sekar aka Kutunakal for your lovely beta and amazing helps! ^^ I loveee youuu girl!! ^^

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Since coming home from the bookstore, Seunghyun did not talk much. I'm sure he's mad at me, maybe my attitude was outrageous but I thought I was not entirely wrong. I was just trying to give him an advice. After all, it is not my right to stop him to meet his ex-girlfriend. Maybe my only mistake was that I lied to him, saying their meeting was not a problem for me.
It has been almost a week I didn't meet Seunghyun. Did not talk to him, did not hear his voice, and did not see his face.
I miss him ....
I miss you ...
Seunghyun ...
I did not want to contact him first, not even through a text message. I was too embarrassed and scared. Embarrassed if he ever found out I was nervous about it and afraid of him knowing that I was miserable because of their meeting.
I did not understand why he became so indifferent now. Has he forget about me?

It's excruciating ...
I hate this feeling ...
It felt like riding a roller coaster but got abruptly stopped in the middle of it. All the shock and tension came over at once and suddenly it turned into nothingness. Yes, Seunghyun brought a lot of weird and crazy things into my life but those things felt very gratifying. And I felt so very anxious to see him. Not only that I also wanted him to do those foolish things to me again.
Damn!!!
I'll go mad if it continues like this!!
I miss you fool!!!
I was pressing the button of my television's remote repeatedly. The channel changed from one to another and it kept like that over and over.
I threw that damn remote on the table, then lay my body on the couch. And I curled my body,staring at a magazine that lied on top of the table near the couch. It was opened. There was an  expensive bag ad showing a handsome male model wearing a black suit. Somehow he reminded me of Seunghyun. Maybe because Seunghyun always wore a suit and it  always made him look very handsome and dashing. I almost did not believe in myself, even just for lookinf at an ad makes me remember him. I pouted, laughing at myself and my stupid feeling.
I started to hear the vibration of my phone, I saw it moving around. Initially, I was very lazy to grab it, but after thinking for a moment, I took a deep breath and I grabbed my phone.
There was a new message notification and Seunghyun was the sender. I was shocked, I almost hit the table because of that.

Meet me at the playground near your apartment now

This is Seunghyun!!
He wants to meet me!!
I was pacing back and forth in front of the couch with my hands clutching my phone constantly. I was surprised and confused.
Calm down Ji ...
Pull your breath ..., slowly ....
I took my jacket and went to see him.




My feet moved so fast but my lungs moved the very opposite way. Not because I was tired, but because I was so nervous. Because I was going to see him,  I was going to see him again.
I arrived at the playground, I turned right and left trying to find him. Seunghyun was sitting at a park bench in front of a slide. There was no one else there, only him.
I let out my breath. Bracing myself, I approached him. He looked up at me and I stopped my steps. He smiled as I bit my lip.
"Sit down ..." he said. I sat on the empty space a bit far from him. There was an empty space in between us. I did not know why I did that, I think I'm  still afraid to adjacent with him though I wanted to be close to him.
I squeezed my fingers constantly. I glanced at him, his suit jacket lying next to him and there was a can of beer and a pack of cigarettes too. He was not wearing his tie. He rolled up his sleeves probably about 2 folds and let two buttons on top of his shirt left ed.
He looks very wrinkled ...
What's wrong with him ...
I lowered my head and looked at my feet. I put both hands on each side of my thighs, my fingers squeezing the edge of the bench.
"How are you Ji?" He started.
I miss you ...
"Fine .." I said softly. I kept my head bowed.
"Have you had dinner?" He asked again. I nodded.
"Have you?" I turned to him. He nodded. I looked down again. The situation became very awkward.
"Zico died ..., someone killed him..." he sighed. I could very clearly hear his gasps.
What?!!
I looked at him. He leaned his body back.
"Who did it? Why? " I asked.
"I don't know ..., we're still investigating. ... He's still very young, 20 years old ... bad luck huh? " he said looking straight ahead.
Maybe this is what makes him looks ...
Chaotic ...
I did not know what kind of relationship Seunghyun and Zico had or how close they were, but I could feel Seunghyun very devastated by this loss.
"Are you okay?" I asked, shifting to the right a bit.
"I'm fine. Death comes to all of us eventually? It will come to me too. Maybe someday I'll get killed too" he laughed. I felt like his words was not something to laugh about.

I don't like to hear it!
Oh my God! Don't let it happen to him!
"Don't say that ..." I pouted. He giggled.
"Why are you sitting so far?" He asked, smiling widely at me. Moving his suit jacket and others to his right side, he shifted to the left side, closing the gap between use.
No! No!!
I moved further away from him until my right arm bumped the arm of the bench. I bowed my head again. My heart was pounding. Very fast.
"Say it ..." he said again chuckling.
"Say what?" I looked over him and frowned.
" You want to know if I met with my ex or not, don't you? " he said while looking at me.
!!
I lowered my head again. I was getting nervous.
"I didn't say anything..." I still bowed my head. I tried to remain calm even though it was very difficult, because my heart was beating like crazy and refuse to shut up.
"I met her.. " he said. Somehow I felt like I was stung by a colony of bees because of his words.
"Ooh .." I replied. He laughed. I did not understand why he was laughing because I didn't think it was funny at all.
What does he mean?!
You !
Moron!!
Can't you be a little more sensitive?!!
What is your purpose, asking me to come here?! Just for you to laugh at?! !!
I felt very upset, I was angry. It felt like he was making fun of me. I got up. I stood for a moment, sneered. He looked surprised by my moves. I stepped away.
He got up and pulled my right arm, but I brush him off.
"Ji ..., come on..., don't be like this" he said pulling me back.
"Let me go! I shouldn't have come to see you!" I yelled. I threw his hand away again but he continued to hold my wrist. Both of them now. I kept trying to get away of him but it was hard.
"Calm down or I'll kiss you!" he cried. I instantly stopped struggling.
I hate this!!!
I hate you!!!
He looked at me and smiled. He let go of his hands.
"If you do that I'll punch you!" I threatened him, looking at him sharply. He glared.
"Go on ..., punch me..., if it can make me feel your lips," he grinned.
"I hate you!!" I cried hard. But he just looked at me deeply. His gaze made me uncomfortable. It became very awkward. I feel like he is undressing me with his eyes.
Stop that stupid!!
"I miss you" he said. He stole a kiss to my right cheek. My eyes widened in shock. Although it only happened for one or two seconds, it was enough to make me fly into the air like a balloon.
He kissed me!
He did it!
You really did it!!
"Stop doing that!" I yelled.
"Do what? This?" He again left a gentle peck to my left cheek. He suddenly put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!!!!!
Stop it now!!
I really could not breathe. He looked at me. I put my hand on his chest trying to make some distance between us. He looked at me.
This chest!
I touched your chest ...
"Please ... stop ..." I lowered my head ..
"I really miss you Ji ..." he whispered. He kissed my forehead. His hands my hips gently. His lips linger on my forehead.
I miss you too ...
"I hate you ..." I said quietly. I feel myself being increasingly powerless. His arms made me feel warm, I feel like being inside a thick blanket. His breath made my hair dance.
Should I give up?
Should I let myself fall into your arms?
"I know ... I know ...." he said as he hug me. I could not control my emotions anymore. Somehow I feel a lump in my chest. I feel my eyes getting heavy. I looked up at him.
"If you do know.., stop it ..." I hit his chest many times. I did not know how many times I did it but I'm sure it was pretty painful. He ignored it though, and gently kissed the tip of my nose. He kissed it again and again. I can feel my tears dropping to my cheek. Seunghyun looked surprised seeing me cry.
"I'm sorry .. but I'll always be like this...." he said, my cheeks softly with both his thumb, wiping my tears. He took my hand and brought it around his waist and around his back. Then he did the same to me. I cried in his arms again.
Don't make me give up...
"... I really hate you, hate you so much ..." I said. Somehow I get myself to caress his back as I pressed myself to him. I leaned my head between his chest and neck.
Oh my God ...
I'm hold you!!
Jiyong!! You're hugging him!!
He my head with his left hand. He kissed my forehead again.
"Why are you so afraid Ji? I don't understand what are you afraid of? Is it that difficult? To fall in love me ...?" he whispered.
Yes ...
Am I falling in love?
Maybe I have fallen in love ...with..
You..
I don't know ...


Seunghyun asked me if he could stay in my apartment. I let him. No, not because I wanted to see his miracle performances, though those had crossed in my mind. I let him because he did not use his car today. Youngbae drove him to my place and I thought it was already late, too late to go back to his apartment.
No ...
I couldn't do it ...
Not now ...
Hey! I couldn't even kiss him! How can I possibly have with him!!!
No!!!
I can't imagine it!!!
Control yourself Ji!!
Seunghyun was in the bathroom. I prepare a pajama pants and a t-shirt for him to wear. I put those on my bed. Dirty thought crossed my mind as I imagined him in the bathroom, and it  instantly made me tremble.
I stood in front of the bathroom door. I bit my lip. I can not believe I'm  doing this. Only this one thin wooden object separating us right now. The door.
Look at yourself Ji ...
What are you doing, stupid!!
You're embarrassing yourself!!
Don't do it!!
I let out my breath I did not know I was holding. Yes, I can not do this. At least not now. Or maybe never at all. I lowered my head and stepped back. I left the room.
I decided to make hot lemon tea for both of us. I put the mugs on the table and the television. Maybe it can distract me for a while. It worked quite well.
Seunghyun went out of the room and approached me. He stood in front of me, his hair still wet but already wearing my clothes.
"I put my dirty clothes in the basket, is it okay?" he asked wiping a trickle of water on his forehead. He saw a pillow and a blanket on the couch. I pulled my legs up and fold it.
"It's okay. I'm going to bring it to the laundry tomorrow." I took one of the mug on the table and gave it to him. He took it.
"Thank you" he sat in front of me. And my heart tremble again. I'm very scared that he will do his stupid actions again. I took my own mug and held it with both hands. Seunghyun mirrored my actions. He sipped his tea and then put it back on the table. I can feel myself tensing when he came closer, putting his hand on the edge of the couch.
Why must he sit in front of me!
Move!!
Seunghyun did not say anything. He just laid his head on his right arm that he put  on the edge of the couch, and kept looking at me. The drums in my chest were thumping harder and I was getting scared. I did my best to not look at him, trying to keep my eyes at the television even though I can not concentrate on it even a bit.
I'm warning you! Don't do anything!!
"I'm so tired .." he said still looking at me.
"You'd better sleep. I've got a pillow and blanket for you" I said without looking at him. He giggled.
"How can I sleep when he television is still on " he said.

Oh, right.

"I'm sorry ... Then I'll take my leave," I said, moving to grab the remote. Unexpectedly, Seunghyun took a grab my hand before I can reach the remote and got closer to me.
"You can sleep here ..., with me ..." he said grinning. I tried to get my hands off of his hold.
Damn!!
Are you trying to kill me!!
"I'd rather sleep in my room" I glared at him. He laughed.
"Then we can sleep in your room. Come on!" He got up and grabbed my arm.
What?!!
Great idea!!
Jiyong!!
Are you crazy?!! No!!!
"Yaaaaa!"  I cried. I pulled my hands. He frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. We stood facing each other right in front of my door.
"Why?" He said not feeling guilty.
"It's not funny Seunghyun!" I shouted. And he laughed.
"Okay. I will give you 2 options. First, I sleep with you in your bed room or second, I'm gonna let you go it if you let me kiss you? Fair enough?" He raised his stupidly thick eyebrow. He was really making fun of me.
"Stop playing around!" I pouted.
"I'm kidding..., but you really ! Why do you never allow me to kiss you?" he took a breath and pouted.
Because I'm afraid of falling in love with you stupid!!
"I ... I ..." I stammered. He approached me.
"I have an idea ..." he grinned. But I  suspect something. I stepped back. He continued to move towards me.
"Get away from me!" I oppressed. I steeped away from him until my back was touching the door of my bedroom and he was standing in front of me in a close distant. Very close. I tried to push him away, by his chest.
Good!
I touched his chest again!!
This is really crazy!!
"I'm not going to force you Ji ..., when you're ready ..., you can tell me ...., where you want me to kiss you ..." he said, smiling. I swallowed hard. I can never guess his thoughts, because he was always full of surprises. I can not say anything and I did not know what to say. I couldn't event look at his face. And I hated being in situations like this because he always managed to trap me in my own nerves.
!!
God!! Let me get away!!
He was getting closer. He reached his hand out and his fingers my hair gently. And then he kiss my forehead gently.
Number one for your forehead ....
Breathe Ji , breathe...
His fingers were still dancing between my hair when his other hand moved to my eyebrows. I blinked twice, he smiled and moved his finger to my eyelids softly. I closed my eyes.
Number two for your eyes ....
What is he doing?
Then, he whispered in my ear. And always, his deep voice always made my neck hairs stand up.
Number three for your ears ...
This is ridiculous!
It was getting hard to breathe and my body was starting to stiffen. But Seunghyun did not care about my pain, he continued to perform his actions. He my left cheek with the back of his hand.
Number four for your cheeks ...
You're  driving me crazy Seunghyun!!
I wanted to push him far away but I can't because there is a part of me that wanted him close. Maybe because in some ways, I enjoyed his teasing very much.
The tip of his index finger started going up and down on my nose. And I was getting numb.
Number five for your nose ...
His fingers stopped between my nose and my upper lip. I could feel his finger blocking my oxygen and makes me hard to breath.
No!!
After this ...
He will touch my lips!
Just scream Ji!! Scream stupid!!
I can't...
What should I do??
Think Ji ..., think!!
Number six for your lips ...
And he really touched my lips. Forefinger stopped in between my lips. I remembered the time he forced me to touch his lips. I swallowed hard again.
Keep your finger away from my lips!!
Stop it...
Don't do this to me ...
Seunghyun finally pulled his finger away from my lips. I let out a breath, feeling relieved. But it only lasted a moment. He started again.
He got even closer to me. Very close. He put both of his hands on the door, right on either side of my head. He locked me between his arms. I can see him tilting his head.
This is crazy!!
Is he going to kiss me?!!
Do something Ji!!
Why are you always like this?!! Like an undead!!
His face was getting closer as he continue to move towards my left. I can feel his breath, it sent butterflies in my stomach.
"Number seven ...., your neck ..." he whispered. I closed my eyes and bit my lip at the same time.
Stop it Seunghyun ...
Don't you know you make me suffer?!
You can make me pee in my pants !!!
I opened my eyes, but it turned out he was looking at me and his eyes slo