Why do you do this to yourself?

Why are you being so stupid?

An endless loop of thoughts and questions fill your head again tonight and you hate it. You kind of hate yourself for them. Still, you can’t stop yourself from thinking these things over again. You’ve tried to stop.

Why do you always have to over think?

You glance at your phone, hoping for a message that you know won’t come. Normally you’re okay with that because you know he’s busy and you can’t talk to him every second of every day, but tonight you wait for the little blue light to blink. When it does, your heart skips a beat only to fall when you see it’s an app notification.

Foolish, you think to yourself. You know he’s not one to check his phone let alone be the first to send a message. You’re normally content, but tonight you're being an idiot and over thinking once again. You try to focus on other things, but he crosses your mind over and over every time. You hate that you want to be around him more than possible. It’s not his fault he’s so busy, you understand that, but you can’t help but feel like you’re the one making more effort.

You love him.

He’s told you that he loves you.

You’re happy.

But tonight you find yourself thinking foolish things again. You can’t stop yourself. You’ve had nightmares with the thoughts of your relationship slowly drifting apart and it scares the hell out of you, but you already feeling clingy asking your boyfriend to do something all the time.

It’’s not that he hasn’t suggested doing things, like when the two of you were busy on Valentine’s Day he kept saying things you could do together to make up for it. He says he wants to do things with you, but plans fall through. You know he has plans for asking you to prom, so you know he cares...but tonight you feel like there could be more going on in your relationship.

People take note of how the two of you aren’t big on public displays of affection, but you’ve never been hugely comfortable doing too much in the company of others because you know what it’s like to sit alone and watch a couple be all over one another. Even when you’re alone, when you manage to be alone that is, you two mainly stick to a goodbye kiss.

Tonight you over think this matter to and it hurts. You feel terrible for it, but you can’t stop yourself. This will pass, you know that, but tonight it’s almost consuming you. You should talk to him about this, you know that, but you’re scared to have things end. You love him, in fact he’s perfect even if you want more from him. You wouldn’t change a thing honestly.

You should talk to him, you should tell him about all this, but you can’t. All you can do is wait for these thoughts to stop or to see him as soon as you can so that you can hug him even if it’s just a brief hug. You glance at your phone once again, but you know he’s asleep already. You should sleep too, but you know the thoughts are going to keep you up.

He could be with someone better.

Someone who isn’t stupid.

The thought of him with someone else kills you. You know he wouldn’t just leave you, so you feel even worse for having the thought cross your mind. You take a deep breath and think about the dates the two of you have gone on. The feeling inside you starts to change, you find yourself no longer fighting the stupid urge to cry and instead a smile is playing at your lips. You think of the times you’ve held hands, hugged, kissed, and the time you sort of cuddled. Sure, that makes you crave his company more right now, but it helps a little. You still feel like an idiot for thinking such things, but when you have something so unbelievable like him in your life, how can you not be scared to lose him and to want more of him?

You know you’ll still overthink and get jealous when others steal his attention, but at the end of the day when you’re not over thinking like a dork, you know he’s with you. You glance at your phone again, thinking of all the rare, but adorable conversations you have saved on there. There would be more in there someday, even if it takes time you know it will be worth it. Someday, hopefully, all the little scenarios of the two of you cuddling up together will come true, but for now even though you crave more sometimes, you’re happy to be with him.

Even if it’s super cheesy, you know you’d never want to be with anyone else because your heart is his no matter what.