CHAPTER TWELVE

after everything we’ve been through

we can only come out stronger.

Sulli didn’t go back to the dorm that night. She couldn’t bear to see Krystal, even if it wasn’t Krystal’s fault that Kai loved her. Krystal didn’t even know yet. She couldn’t know the truth...not until the right time.

But that didn’t change things for Sulli. Of all the people Kai could have loved...it had to be her closest friend, the person who treated her as a sister, the one person who she trusted the most. That stung much more than it should have. Sulli had never been jealous of Krystal, instead she had always been proud of her friend for her talents and personality. But knowing that she was the one who earned Kai’s affections...suddenly Sulli was envious of everything her beautiful best friend had to offer.

She was never going to be Krystal. She had never wanted to be Krystal - they had a way of balancing each other out, and if she was like Krystal, their friendship would not have lasted. But seeing the way Kai looked at her...it was hard not to wish.

“Sulli!”

Sulli wasn’t quite expecting that tone coming from Krystal, the warning and almost fear that lingered in her voice, but the instant she caught sight of Kai sitting at the counter in the bakery, she understood. Sulli wanted to laugh, a wry smile forming on her face instead. It disappeared quickly for Krystal’s sake for a brighter, stronger smile, and she waved at her friend, stepping up to the place beside Kai, not even taking a single glance in his direction.

“Hey, Krystal. You busy?” She smiled at her friend, taking note of the wary glance Krystal sent in Kai’s direction before looking back at Sulli.

“No. You want a cupcake? On the house. Or did Lu Han oppa send you again?” Krystal was the type to be blunt, to be careless about her words, but when it came to the people she treasured, she tried to be more precise. Hearing her careful tone right now, Sulli wasn’t sure if she was grateful for it or not.

“No,” she laughed. She tried to shake the feeling of Kai sitting beside her silently. She knew his eyes did not look at her. He was watching Krystal. He was always...watching Krystal.

“This time it’s Heechul oppa. You know how he is.” Sulli pointed at a few sweets, and Krystal diligently wrapped them up, placing them in a box for her to carry. Sulli glanced at Kai, regretting it immediately, because she couldn’t turn her eyes away from him. His distinguished features, his dark eyes trailing after Krystal’s every movement. He was pointedly avoiding looking at Sulli, she knew, but she wished that he wouldn’t also look so longingly at Krystal, either.

It hurt much more than it should have.

Sulli stared listlessly at the piano, her fingers sliding over the beautiful white and black keys. She pressed one finger down, listening to the noise sound in the small practice room.

It was hard, keeping this kind of a secret away from her best friend. Krystal had no idea - that Kai had broken it off with her not because it was all a game for him, not because Sulli was just another girl that he played with. Krystal had no idea that the reason Kai never loved her was because Kai had always been waiting for Krystal to love him first.

It was a foolish idea. Sulli knew it. Kai knew it. Dating Krystal’s best friend - using Sulli just to show Krystal his good side, his loyal, affectionate side…it never would have worked; Krystal’s opinion of boys like Kim Jongin would never change. But he tried anyway.

Sulli supposed that she did always know Kai didn’t love her. But between her euphoria and the thought that her dreams were finally coming true the day he asked her out, she didn’t stop to think it through, to understand or even care about the consequences. She wanted to be selfish. She wanted Kai to love her.

And if he didn’t at first, she wanted him to maybe fall for her somewhere along the way.

Of course, it didn’t happen. Even with their late nights in the practice rooms back in high school, even with her faithfulness, even when she tried to be the best girlfriend to him…

It was all futile. No one could control love, least of all Sulli.

She wanted to erase that night, where he’d admitted his wrongs to her. She wanted Kai to never have told her the truth; maybe then her heartache would’ve left faster. Maybe she could have hated him more easily. If he hadn’t had the heart, the heart that she knew he had inside of him, to confess his lies to hers, that he loved Krystal, that he was sorry, that in the end he was just using her just to get closer to his childhood friend…

Sulli’s hand slipped and the discordant notes blared in the small room, filling it with violent noise. It took her a moment, because for some reason those random notes felt familiar. They echoed, just like the mess she was inside, before she finally took her fingers away from the piano.

“I see you’re as noisy as you’ve ever been.”

Sulli snapped her head up, eyes wide. In the doorway (she hadn’t even heard the door open to begin with) was Heechul, his shoulder leaning against the wood and his hands in his pockets. He smiled at her and she stood up abruptly, surprised.

“Heechul!” she blurted, and his lips curved up in a half-smile, half-smirk.

“Heechul oppa,” he corrected teasingly, entering the room and walking towards her, extending an arm to ruffle her hair. “Come on Sulli, just because you haven’t seen me in a while, you won’t call me oppa anymore?”

“Heechul oppa,” she repeated, and all at once the chains around her heart relaxed a little, distracted by his ever-comforting presence. “What are you doing here? It’s late…”

Heechul grinned, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. “Shouldn’t I ask you that? You know I like the odd hours of the night. And music hallways.” Sulli smiled wryly, and they sat together on the piano bench in the small room. Heechul had been busy with schoolwork as a senior student in SMU, but he always made time for Sulli. Somehow, he found her in the strangest of times: the library early in the morning, the bench by the fountain at the front of campus, and now, here, in the music hallway in the middle of the night.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, satisfied with each other’s mere company. Heechul let his fingers drift across the piano keys, not playing a note, simply touching the smooth white and black.

“So,” he spoke up, slowly pressing down a key so that it let out a quiet sound, slowly filling the air. “What’s on your mind, Ssul?”

Sulli turned to look at her senior, finding that his eyes were already on her, gentle, but expectant. Heechul would never force anything out of her, but then again, he never had to.

She turned away, leaning her shoulder against Heechul’s. A small, humorless chuckle escaped her lips breathlessly, and she sighed, closing her eyes. “Would it be too vague to say ‘boy troubles’?” she asked, her lips twitching up in a smile. Even with her eyes closed, her voice neutral, the pain was evident.

“Is it that Kai kid again? I swear, if he--”

Sulli nudged Heechul a little to deny it wordlessly, and Heechul fell into silence again, waiting for Sulli to continue. If there was anyone other than Lu Han who knew the story fully, it would be Heechul. But even he was missing parts to the story; there were some things that Sulli didn’t have the strength to say aloud more than once.

“It’s not-- well, not technically…” Sulli trailed off, and Heechul turned his head, his eyes on the girl he treasured the way he would his little sister. He would protect Sulli from everything and anything, at whatever cost. But for all of this, he couldn’t fix the helpless look on her face, couldn’t erase the past for Sulli.

But then, that same past had created this Sulli, molded her into someone more determined, someone stronger. Even if she felt weak and unstable inside, she had changed, built herself a bulletproof shell to keep herself together. But that was what he admired about her. So many people fell apart and never put themselves back together - Sulli fell apart, fell into so many tiny little pieces, and still managed to pick herself off the ground after everything. She did it herself, and she made herself stronger.

“I should have moved on already, shouldn’t I have?” Sulli’s voice was so quiet, Heechul barely registered it, until she spoke again, rambling a little. “Did I tell you that I didn’t love him anymore, oppa? Because I lied, I’ve lied to everyone, I’m sorry. I love him, is it really wrong of me? It is, right? I should hate him. I deserve to hate him. But I love him. I--”

“You miss him,” Heechul said softly, and Sulli’s eyes widened in surprise, turning to meet his.

“I--”

“Maybe you love him,” Heechul said thoughtfully. “I think they said, you always remember your first love, right? You never forget them. A part of your heart will always stay with that person. But that doesn’t mean the rest of your heart will, right?” He smiled encouragingly at her, ruffling her hair a little and pulling her closer to him in a one-armed hug. “But I think most of all you miss him. In all of the worst ways, and all of the best ways. And I think that’s okay. It’s how it’s supposed to be. Just because you’re trying to move on doesn’t mean you can’t miss him.”

Sulli stared at Heechul, silently, almost curiously. Heechul, despite his personality, always had a certain wisdom, a certain genuity and sincerity that was hard to find. Though he had few friends - few people who could tolerate him, understand him, he was fiercely loyal and most of all, just as understanding of others as his friends were of him.

“But, Sulli, you know…You can’t deal with something like this by yourself. You’re always going to need a helping hand. It’s not so bad to ask for help sometimes, especially if you need it, Ssul.” Heechul glanced at the younger, and she stared at her hands, fiddling in her lap.

“Stop pushing people away, Sulli,” he said softly. “Not all of them are bad.” He hesitated, biting his lip, before continuing, slowly. “Taemin isn’t bad.”

Sulli’s eyes flickered as she looked at Heechul, his gaze imploring and meaningful. He meant the best for her, he always did. Sometimes he knew what was best for her more than she did herself.

You deserve someone who will love you, he wanted to say. Someone who love you selfishly, selflessly, with everything he has. Someone who can cherish you and pick up all the pieces that even you can’t find anymore. Every last part that Kim Jongin dropped, someone else will find for you. Being alone is never enough when it comes to something like this. When love is one-sided...it always fails.

But he stayed quiet, hoping she could read the words in his eyes, hoping that someday she’d learn it all on her own, or that someone would teach them to her. Someone who loved her.

Sulli, Heechul had always known, would be okay.

It always took time, but Sulli was stronger than she felt, better than she thought herself to be.

Maybe after so long, she could finally fix her tattered heart.

AUTHOR’S NOTES;

okay, first, my apologies for not updating for like a month. i’m really, terribly sorry. ap chem knocks everything out of a person holy what is going on in this class halp

but, in other news..hey, heechul’s been introduced c:

i love heechul. i know i’ve said i loved a character before, but i love heechul in so many different ways for so many different reasons it’s ridiculous. xD

he’s actually quite important in terms of sulli, because he and lu han are closest to her (other than krystal). he’s a rather mature character, i think, and gosh i love heechul ; u ;

but yeah, we’re finally rolling around outta the angst woop

at least i think we are

we’ll find out next chapter :x

please enjoy, and comments are always appreciated! :D