CHAPTER ELEVEN

what kind of a price would you pay

for one dirty little secret?

Taemin was not good at figuring things out.

He was good at asking people to figure things out for him, in such a charming way that they wouldn’t think twice about it, which was why a lot of people thought Taemin was a smart guy who could do things himself.

But no, he was not that guy.

He sighed, slumping down in his chair and glancing at Sulli from the corner of his eye. She sat closer to the front, diligently taking notes with her hair falling just over her shoulder, concentrated totally on what the teacher was saying. He stupidly wished she would concentrate on him like that, but the most concentration she exuded towards him involved her glaring at him until he slowly backed himself into a corner, terrified of the consequences.

It had something to do with Kai. He had to have had some kind of involvement in why Sulli was like this. Kai had even told him, the first time they met Krystal and Sulli, that Sulli was his ex-girlfriend. Krystal was Sulli’s best friend, and she hated Kai with an almost scary passion: Taemin was smart enough to put two and two together.

Taemin didn’t really want to put the blame on his best friend, but Kai had a reputation and he, unfortunately, tended to uphold it very well. But there was clearly more to the story than Kai’s usual antics; Sulli was important. Sulli mattered to Kai, in a strange, but definite way.

Taemin sighed. This--

“Hey. Stop daydreaming.”

Sulli’s sharp voice interrupted his thoughts and he jerked his head up, staring at her with wide eyes. “What?” he asked dumbly.

“We have a lab to do. Do you ever pay attention?” she sighed, and he rubbed the back of his head sheepishly, standing up and quickly following her to the lab tables, gnawing on his bottom lip.

“Sorry,” he mumbled as they arrived at the table, and she shrugged, giving him a small, tight-lipped smile in return. Taemin softened a little, seeing the expression on her face. Part of the reason he never gave up on Sulli was because she never seemed to mean it when she snapped at him. It felt almost affectionate, if Taemin wanted to be just a little delusional about it.

He pulled his goggles over his face as Sulli began setting up the lab, beakers and test tubes gathered on the table. Taemin opened his notebook, glancing over at Sulli’s already prepared one. Sulli, without even looking at Taemin, slid her notebook over to him, along with the textbook.

“Page 394.”

He chuckled nervously, the noise dying in his throat when she looked up at him with one raised eyebrow. Quickly, he flipped the textbook open, avoiding her pointed stare.

Stupid, he scolded himself. Why are you always looking like a fool in front of her?

“Sulli-- hey, Sulli, wait.”

Sulli, for once, turned at the sound of Taemin’s voice instead of hurrying down the hall, far away from the classroom the way she usually did when Taemin asked for her to wait. In a strange way, she knew Taemin, and this time his voice was different. It was gentler, softer, rather than bright and cheery. It wasn’t a voice that reflected Taemin’s typical disposition.

“What?” she asked, and even Taemin looked surprised that she had waited, but managed to quickly recompose himself, rubbing the back of his head.

“I…” he faltered, his courage falling a little. “Actually...I don’t really...know, how to ask this…” he mumbled, and Sulli tilted her head, confused. She shifted the straps of her backpack, but decided to patiently wait for him to say what it was that he wanted to tell her.

“This...I’m probably overstepping my boundaries - I mean, we’re not even friends, I guess, I mean maybe we kind of are, ‘cause y’know, you’re the only girl I really talk to a lot, except Amber but she doesn’t count, ‘cause she’s not, I mean, she is a girl, but she’s not...but, anyway, this isn’t really a question that relates to our friendship ‘cause technically it doesn’t really-- I mean, what I’m trying to say is, it’s just, I guess...um..” Taemin looked momentarily confused, trying to remember what he was going to say, and Sulli couldn’t help but smile a little. Maybe she kept turning down his requests, but it wasn’t as though she couldn’t see why the other girls on campus liked him.

Taemin heaved a huge breath, his lips anxious. “What I mean, is...Can I ask you? About...Kai?”

Sulli stiffened, her composure noticeably changing. “What...What about him?”

Taemin shrugged uncomfortably, tugging his own backpack over his shoulder. “About...what happened. Between you and him. In high school. I’m doing this all wrong, aren’t I?” He bit his lower lip, his eyes glistening with worry. Taemin had always been good at weaseling information out of people - being charming and cute was one of his strong points. But around Sulli, all of that fell apart. He felt like a child, having no idea how to act around the one girl he so desperately wanted to look good in front of.

Taemin tried his best not to flinch when he saw Sulli’s eyes hardening. It was like he could see the walls she was already building, the towers and defenses she put up to force him away, just how she did with everyone else.

But then suddenly, it was all gone once more; her strength seemed to dissolve right in front of him, leaving her with a broken, helpless expression. She looked so lost, so utterly alone, and he furrowed his eyebrows, confused.

Before he could say anything, Sulli spoke, her voice quiet. “That...it’s a difficult subject, Taemin.”

She stared at the ground, and Taemin felt as though Sulli was deflating in front of him, all of her power and confidence that she used to have leaving her with nothing but a shell of a person, someone who had been through too much without anyone by her side. Someone who was trying so hard to believe that things were okay, especially in the moments when they weren’t.

“You heard the rumors, right, Taemin?” she asked softly. “Can’t you piece it together? It isn’t difficult. Especially since Kai is your friend, so he can fill in all of the empty spaces…”

Her voice wasn’t bitter, it wasn’t attacking, but there was still a sense of finality to it. Sulli was not the kind of person to hold grudges - she knew that whatever happened back then was over, that it wasn’t worth being angry anymore. But anger is easier to let go of than pain, and Taemin’s heart ached just hearing her voice.

“Sulli…”

“Please don’t ask me, Taemin,” Sulli said, and the strong, proud Sulli that he knew was back just like that, holding her head high with her shoulders straightened. Yet somehow Taemin caught the way she wavered, and how she swallowed hard. “If you need to know...then I’m sorry. All I can tell you is that yes, we dated in the past, and yes, he’s the one who broke it off. But you already know those things, don’t you? Please understand, Taemin. That is all I have to say.” Her voice cracked at the end but she was already turning to leave, spinning on her heel and forcing herself to walk away as fast as she could.

“Is it because of him?” Taemin called out, despite the voice in his head telling him to stop. “Is that why you’ve never said yes to me?”

Sulli stopped walking halfway down the hallway. There were students still hurrying to get to class, moving past her, some bumping into her because of her sudden pause in movement, but she found it hard to keep moving, lowering her head instead and gripping her backpack straps hard.

Even with all the noise around them, though, Taemin heard her answer loud and clear: “Yes.”

Sulli did the only thing she knew to do: she ran to the music hall.

She had told herself not to, but in the end, it was also her comfort. The way dance soothed Taemin and Kai, singing soothed Sulli. Just being in a place meant for music felt reassuring. It was less burdening than the world that seemed to be closing in on her right now, so much less deafening than the sound of Taemin’s voice asking her questions she wished she didn’t have the answers to ringing in her head.

She dropped her bag to the ground, collapsing on the seat near the piano. She put her head in her hands, trying to block everything out, all of her memories that were terrifying because of exactly how much she cherished them, how much she never regretted even a single moment.

God, if she could hate him, she would. If she could just detest Kim Jongin, with every bone in her goddamned body, if she could resent Kai the same way Krystal did, she would, she really would. But she couldn’t.

She felt a choked sob escape - didn’t you promise yourself not to cry anymore? - and she tried to take a deep, shuddering breath to calm herself, but ended up gasping and crying, her tears spilling over no matter how many times she tried to rub them away.

She was supposed to forget about it. She was supposed to move on. So then why did she feel like she was being pulled backwards, constantly? It was like being stuck, knowing that she could move on, that she should, and yet her feet refused to move forward, frustratingly, even though she kept trying to move.

Sulli thought it was over. That she let it go. She knew the truth was that she still loved him, but she also knew that he was not meant for her to have. So she tried, she tried so hard to let the past go.

But Taemin - Taemin had triggered something inside of her. If it was Kai, if it was Krystal or Lu Han or Minho or anyone else - she could stay strong, keep pretending that the heart that had not yet healed inside of her was all patched up. If there were cracks, then she’d say she’d bound them and left them as scars that could heal with just a little more time.

It was all a lie, of course.

Taemin knew it. He didn’t say it out loud, but the questions he asked…he understood. If Sulli was truly over Kai, then accepting Taemin would not have been a problem. In fact, Taemin would have been something of a blessing - something to soothe the scars and finally brush them all away.

She felt pathetic. Worthless, useless, inferior.

Taemin deserved better than her.

Somewhere in her mind, the lies and truths, they all tangled together. It was a mess, and in the midst of it all, a small voice whispered the painful words that felt undeniably true.

Kai used her. She once thought of him as a friend - maybe they really were. But it didn’t make a difference. Kai made the choice; he used her to get closer - to someone better.

To her best friend.

And if she wasn’t enough for Kai…

...Then how could she be enough for Taemin?

AUTHOR’S NOTES;

i actually feel so bad for sulli gdi

she’s the kind of person who will sacrifice anything and everything for the people she cares about in this story, can you see it? it’s kind of weird, but she’s rejecting taemin “for his own good,” kind of like that… because she doesn’t feel like she’s good enough, because she loves kai.. ; A ;

oh but yeah, do you see the pieces falling into place now? kai who bothers krystal all the time, of course you already know, or if you didn’t, i left hints that he liked her, and sulli, of course you know she loved kai, but now you see what he really did to hurt her so badly..

but in other news, wow you guys really want hanlli don’t you

poor taemin, man this guy really likes her ya know?? and no one is rooting for him? LOL poor kid.. xD

and you know already, comments are appreciated~ ^^

i hope you enjoyed this chapter! c: