Three long days had passed since Yongguk had seen Himchan and it felt like an eternity. He spent the majority of his days in the hotel and at night would go to the speakeasy to wait for Himchan but he never showed up. By Friday, Yongguk was in a melancholic mood. He had convinced himself that he'd made things awkward between the two which was the reason he was being avoided. It hurt him more than he thought it would and he still hadn't come to terms with the fact that he had developed feelings for another man.

As the day progressed and evening set in, Yongguk didn't bother getting ready to go to the speakeasy. He didn't see a point anymore. His only plans for the night were to stay in his hotel room and drink himself to sleep.

He walked over to the phonograph and put on a slow jazz record before getting himself a drink. He stared bitterly at the auburn liquid, knowing very well this wasn't the way he should be coping but he decided it was okay for him to be weak tonight. Taking the crystal decanter¹ in one hand and a glass in the other, he made his way to the couch and sat down. "Cheers to you Yongguk," he mumbled as he poured the brandy into the glass. "You're nothing but a fool."

Himchan, on his end, had been spending the last three days with Charlotte, who wasn't complaining about the sudden attention she was getting. If only she knew the real reason behind this. While he spent time with her, his mind always turned to another person. A man. It was wrong, he shouldn't have these thoughts but yet he had them. The moment on the ship often came back and it still had the same effect on him as it had three days ago. It was one of the reasons Himchan was avoiding the speakeasy, lying to his dad about checking it every day, his friend John helping him with the lie. He never asked about John if Yongguk went to the speakeasy, though, and John never mentioned it, thinking they weren’t close enough for Himchan to care about it.

He didn't dare to go to the speakeasy, scared of what would happen if he saw Yongguk. He had no idea what would happen, in all honesty. He just knew something was going to happen. But after the third day, he had enough of it all. Tired of lying awake at night, wondering what was happening to him and tired of lying to himself. He wasn't sure when it had hit him entirely that he liked Yongguk more than he should - more than was acceptable. Maybe he knew it since the day he had put on the other one's uniform but had refused to face it.

Making up his mind to talk this out with the other one - maybe this was just all in his imagination and everything could be talked out and go back to normal, although it might not have the first time he felt something for…, quickly interrupting his thoughts, he picked up the uniform from the dry cleaners and went straight to the suite, thinking that even if Yongguk went to the speakeasy, he could always wait there, having a spare key anyway. It would be better to discuss it at the suite, nobody could overhear them there. Once there, he knocked first on the door, fidgeting a bit with the uniform in his hands as he waited for Yongguk to open if he was there.

Without realizing it, Yongguk had dozed off. The phonograph now silent made it easier for him to hear the knocking on the door. He woke up immediately and set the decanter and glass down on the small table. Yongguk already had a heavy buzz and trudged his feet along the carpet as he made his way to the door. When he opened it, his heavy eyes widened when he saw Himchan in the hallway. "What are you doing here?"

Himchan bit the inside of his cheek lightly once the door opened. He had hoped for Yongguk to be away so this could've been postponed for a while longer. He managed a small smile as he answered, "I wanted… to see you."

"Why would you want to see me?" he questioned bitterly.

He frowned at Yongguk's tone. "Because… You're my friend. Can I come in?"

Yongguk reluctantly stepped to the side and opened the door all the way for Himchan to enter. He wasn’t thrilled to see him but he didn’t want to cause a scene in the hallway.

"Thank you," Himchan mumbled and held out the uniform. "I brought you your uniform back..."

"Thank you," he said as closed the door. "Just set it on the desk." He walked past Himchan and sat on the couch again, taking the decanter in his hand and drinking straight from it this time. Not much of the auburn liquid was left, but Yongguk could always get more.

Himchan nodded and set the uniform carefully on the desk before turning to look at Yongguk, frowning more as he saw him drink from the decanter. "How have you been?” he then asked, deciding to not to say anything about it, moving over to sit on the edge of the couch.

"I've been great. Never been better," he mumbled in a sarcastic tone. "You?"

"I've been... alright, I guess," Himchan shrugged, biting his bottom lip lightly as he looked at Yongguk. "I wanted to... talk to you about something."

He didn't look at Himchan once while he spoke and drank the last of the brandy. He knew he was acting like a child but he didn't care. "What do you want to talk about?"

Himchan was a bit put off at how cold Yongguk was acting towards him, making him wonder if this was such a good idea at all. But he was here now and it was too late to turn back. "Well… uh.. The first day we met.. You told me something about-- You told me that it shouldn't matter what background or race a person is from. That love is love… Do you remember?"

“Yeah,” he muttered. “I remember. Why?”

"What about...”, Himchan cleared his throat lightly, flushing before adding in a mumble, embarrassed: "What about gender?"

Yongguk's eyes widened and he was thankful he had finished his drink, otherwise he would have choked. "L-Look... I-I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I know why you avoided me. Gender.. it's not right for the same gender to be together. If I m-made you uncomfortable because of that I'm sorry. I'm not queer," he rambled nervously.

"Right..", Himchan mumbled, turning his gaze away. Yongguk was right, the same gender shouldn't be together. Besides, he wasn't queer either, right? Then why did it felt like someone punched him in the stomach right now. "Me neither.."

"Why did you ask that?" he turned his head and looked at him for the first time. Surprisingly his eyes glistened and he looked like he was about to cry. "Why would you ask me that? Do you think I'm a queer? Huh?"

He turned his gaze back to Yongguk and frowned at him, shaking his head. "No.. Of course not. I don't think that.."

"Then why did you ask?!" he shouted and set the decanter on the table. He sighed shakily and stood up from the couch. "I-I'm sorry... I think I’ve had too much to drink.."

Himchan shifted slightly when the other one shouted and stared down at the ground. "I just--," he trailed off before shaking his head. "It's fine.."

"I don't know what’s been wrong with me lately."

"Nothing's wrong with you… everyone has their days…"

"Something is wrong with me, Himchan."

"What do you mean?"

He looked down and shook his head, "I can't tell you. I'd seem like a hypocrite-- No... I'd seem like a lunatic."

Himchan moved to reach out his hand but he decided against it, dropping it in his lap. "You can tell me, you know.. I won't judge."

"Yes you will Himchan. You will judge me."

"I won't. I promise.."

Yongguk chuckled bitterly and looked at him from where he was standing, "Yeah? Well… we'll see about that." He was ready to put all his cards on the table because at this point he had nothing to lose anymore. He took a deep breath and exhaled as he mentally prepared himself for what he was about to do.

"I don't know how this happened, and I don't know why... but I have never felt like this before and it scares me. I'm attracted to you Himchan...” he trailed off.

Those words and the weight that they carried began to settle and the realization had finally set in. He shouldn’t have paused but the conviction in his words stunned not only Himchan but himself as well. The awkward silence in the room was deafening, making it almost unbearable on the ears, which forced Yongguk to continue. "And... I think I'm starting to really like you. I tried ignoring it at first but when you were gone those three days, you were all I could think about and I couldn’t function. Just my luck though… it’s a double taboo. You're married and you're a man, which is why it wouldn't work out. I don't know what to do in this situation and that scares me. I’m scared as hell.." He bit down hard on his lip and averted his gaze to the empty decanter on the table. "Well... there you have it. I said it, and I'm pretty sure you're going to judge, but that's alright. Who wouldn't judge?"

Himchan looked down at his lap, flushing slightly at Yongguk's words and stayed quiet for a good moment before mumbling. "Why do you think I asked about gender earlier...?"

"I don't know... I guess I just thought it was too good to be true." He sat back down on the couch and slumped over.

"What.. do you mean, too good to be true?", he asked, glancing at him.

"You know what I mean Himchan," he sighed softly. "There were only two reasons why you brought it up. Either you were going to out me as a queer or it applied to you."

"Maybe both..", he mumbled, unable to speak louder. "Or maybe, I was hoping you'd come out along with me…"

"Coming out with you? What do you mean?" Yongguk questioned.

He sighed. "I think I've always known I was a queer. But I just pushed it away since society doesn't approve. I've managed fine till you passed by,” it felt as if he had been just released of prison, finding the freedom he had been longing for for years. Cropped up feelings he had been pushing away since the thought of kissing one of his male classmates had crossed his mind, finally came to the surface. He had managed to keep it away, even forgetting about it - that’s how deep he had buried everything, as the thought had scared him out of his wits that time.

"Really..." he trailed off and hesitantly looked at him. "I always thought I was straight. I've always been attracted to women but then I met you and now I'm confused. If the guys on the ship knew that… I don’t even want to think of what they’d do to me." He sighed heavily and covered his face with his hands. "Am I really a queer Himchan? Up until now, you're the only man I've ever felt anything for..."

Himchan shrugged his shoulders lightly, looking at Yongguk. "I don't know. Maybe you're both.. if that's possible."

"Is it possible to be queer and straight? I've never heard of that before.."

"I guess so.. Or maybe you're just really confused and are imagining things."

"I am confused about a lot of things, but this... I know I'm not imagining it. Sometimes I get so flustered around you and I know I look like a fool because of it."

"I never thought you looked like a fool," he said softly, knowing it wouldn't change anything.

"I am a fool though," he mumbled as he lowered his hands and stared up at the ceiling. "You're married."

"I am..." Himchan nodded his head. "But that's my problem. Not yours."

"I'll be gone in about a week. You won't have to worry about seeing me again after that," he said barely above a whisper. The thought of never seeing Himchan again made it almost difficult to breathe. He was starting to feel a dull pain in his chest and he swallowed thickly. He wanted to cry, and it was taking everything in him not to shed a single tear in front of Himchan.

The other moved towards him, reaching out a hand to place it on Yongguk's back. His heart ached at the thought of Yongguk disappearing out of his life. That was the last thing he wanted. Himchan brushed his hand across Yongguk's back to reach his other shoulder, wrapping his arm around him, doing what first came into his mind, tuning out all the second guessing and doubting. "Please don't.."

"I don't want to ruin your marriage. I couldn't do that to Miss Charlotte," he spoke softly. "If anyone found out I had feelings for you, I could get arrested or killed. Nobody likes queers Himchan. There's not a place in the world that would accept them."

"There's here.." Himchan whispered, looking at Yongguk, noticing how close they were to each other now. "This suite. Our own little world.", he added. He wanted this. He wanted to be with Yongguk. He didn't care anymore about Charlotte, nor his dad. He knew they were dead if anyone would ever find out but that wasn't going to stop him.

Yongguk turned his head and looked into Himchan's eyes with uncertainty. "Here? But... what about Miss Charlotte.." he trailed off. He knew that this was wrong but he was slowly losing his willpower by the second. He really liked Charlotte, and he didn't want to betray her trust or taint Himchan's marriage; But knowing that Himchan wanted to give whatever they had a chance was making it harder for him to resist. Yongguk broke their eye contact for a brief second, glancing down at Himchan's heart shaped lips. "Himchan... what about your father," he said as he looked back into his eyes, voice faltering at the thought of Mr. Kim ever finding out about them.

He felt like hitting Yongguk when he mentioned his father. He didn't know what to answer. He was scared Yongguk was going to back off if he told the truth. If his father found out, they were dead. He wouldn't care anymore that Himchan was his only son, he'd find out a way to make it as slow and painful as possible. To make him pay for the dishonor he'd bring onto their family. He stared into Yongguk's eyes, hesitating before finally whispering a reply. "We'd see each other on the other side.."

He bit down hard on his bottom lip as a tear rolled down his cheek. He normally wasn't emotional like this, but the alcohol in his system made it impossible not to be. Yongguk quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand and sighed heavily, "I guess we better not get caught then." He sniffled and managed to wipe another tear away before it fell. "So this is what we have now? Are we safe here?" he questioned. Yongguk was scared, and it clearly showed on his face, but he wanted to take a chance with Himchan. "Our own little world," he whispered.

Himchan raised his hand to cup Yongguk's cheek gently, nodding his head. "We're safe here. I promise," he said in a soft voice, running his thumb over the skin.

Yongguk leaned into his touch and gently placed his hand over his. He searched Himchan's eyes for some sense of security but he could only focus on how handsome he looked. Something inside of him reacted and he started to lean in slowly, heart beating rapidly as he closed the gap between them.

Himchan’s cheeks flushed as he noticed the other one leaning in. His eyes slowly fell shut as he finally leaned in as well, closing the small space that was still between them and pressed his lips tentatively against Yongguk's, feeling an electric current go through his body at the touch.

His eyes closed once he felt their lips touch and he felt butterflies in his stomach. His lips were soft just like a woman's and he hesitantly started to move his lips against Himchan's. He kissed him slowly, relishing in the new feeling of their lips as they molded together. It wasn't as bad or scary as Yongguk thought it would be, in fact, it felt right. As their kissing slowly progressed, he gained more confidence and rested his other hand on Himchan's shoulder.

Himchan’s heartbeat quickened as they shared the soft kiss, tilting his head slightly to fit his lips better against the others. He lowered his hand and placed it on Yongguk's chest instead, curling his fingers into his shirt slightly before slowly pulling away, breaking the kiss. Yongguk panted softly when he pulled away and wet his lips.

"What happens now," he whispered as he lowered his other hand from Himchan's and lightly rested it on his thigh. "How will this work? I leave next Saturday and you won't see me for months."

Himchan looked at him and gave him a sad smile. "I don't know... But.. whenever you leave the navy, you should come back here. I'll leave my number, so you can call me immediately.", he said, looking down at his hand on Yongguk's chest. "How do the guys who have girlfriends keep in touch with them?"

"They write letters to each other," he sighed. "Will you write to me Himchan?"

"I will.. You can just say I'm a woman if they ask anything.. They don't know anything about Korean names.."

"Yeah, but maybe I should call you Herchan," he teased.

Himchan narrowed his eyes at him. "Don't you even dare."

He laughed and squeezed his thigh, "I was just kidding HIMchan. Better?"

"Yes," he huffed softly and pushed against Yongguk's chest lightly.

"Hey Himchan…" he paused. "I'm sorry for being cold towards you earlier. I was just upset and thought you never wanted to see me again."

"It's okay.. I understand. I shouldn't have avoided you for three days.."

"I have about eight days left, so we still have some time together. You don't think anyone will get suspicious of you coming to this hotel every night do you?"

"No, I don't think so. There was a period of time where I came here every night as well.", he shrugged lightly.

"You don't think Miss Charlotte will suspect anything either do you?" It was obvious by all the questions Yongguk was asking that he was still scared, but it also showed that he was ready to give this relationship a chance.

"I don't know.. And if she does, she won't think I'm doing anything with you.."

"Alright," he nodded. "I'm sorry for asking so many questions, I just want to make sure we'll be safe."

"It's alright," he smiled softly and leaned in, pecking Yongguk's lips softly.

He smiled widely and grabbed both of Himchan's hands in his. "We'll make this work right? I want to."

"We will.", Himchan nodded, his smile widening.

Yongguk's smile spread into a grin, causing his gums to show like they always did whenever he was happy. "Good," he said as he leaned in and kissed Himchan again. This was what he needed, and this was what felt right. The relationship had its risks, but it was in moments like these that made him realize it was all worth it.

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1. Decanter