(14)

He read the message. The number 1 just vanished and I somehow want to as well. Oh no. Do I wait for his reply? What if he doesn’t reply? Is he going to start ignoring me, too? I understand if he’ll do it though. I mean, who wouldn’t be pissed off when somebody you saw by the staircase suddenly broke eye contact with you and ran to some place you don’t know? I would. But judging my own side, who wouldn’t be pissed off when somebody said your name on television out of the blue and that somebody appears to be famous and you’re just someone who’s not famous. Of course you’d be paranoid over it, right?

I held my breath and mulled over the fact that sending him an ice cube could be a much better idea than seriously asking for a time to talk. In that way maybe we can even laugh about the whole interview thing and not me freaking out inside the girls’ restroom. I’m not really into serious conversations that end up with both parties pressured and awkward and problems regularly left unsolved.

Summarizing what happened for the last few minutes inside the restroom, I’ve just been seen-zoned by Yang Yoseob.

I was groaning like crazy but I felt like I was the only one inside the rest room so I didn’t even stop myself from groaning once more. I thought I was the only one around when someone tapped my shoulder and I found a janitress with a worried look on her face. She tapped my shoulder again and asked whether or not I needed medical assistance or medicine for period cramps. I assured her I was doing just fine before she considerately handed me a medicine tablet and cheered me a quick “Hwaiting!”

I kept a bright smile on my face before she left the restroom and sighed heavily and looked at my reflection on the mirror the second she was gone. I combed my hair with my fingers and sighed once more as I felt a sudden sense of déjà vu. I’ve been in this position before. It was the day when I got home after being unwillingly dragged out of the coffee shop by manager-nim. I talked to my cousin and looked at my mirror. I’m seeing the memories so clearly that I could see how my expression before and now is just the same. The same flushed cheeks, pursed lips and brown eyes that are confused but flickering with the slightest hint of interest and hope. I asked the person on the mirror the same question I asked a long time ago.

Do you think Yang Yoseob would like you, Song Hyojung?

My feelings before and now were, on the other hand, different.  In the past I was hoping for him to have a good impression on me since, hello, who wants an idol to think badly about you? It’s natural for ordinary people to think that someone – who spends his life being chased by an army of girls on the streets – has even a hint of interest on them. It’s only usual for ordinary people to have an extraordinary person want think of them as someone who’s special. I was hoping for that. Because it would be such an honour to be liked by Yoseob. ‘Like’ as in ‘You left a good impression on me and I want to be friends with you’ like. Because it wasn’t illegal to be friends with a celebrity. Because a sort of love between a celebrity and an idol can exist but not in the romantic kind of way. This, however, was not the case.

There were two things I was thinking about before the KaTalk ringtone beeped which made me have a mini heart attack. One, I want my feelings for Yoseob reciprocated. And two, wow, it took me a month to realize how embarrassing I reacted back then.

YS: Hyojungie!

I made a silent prayer and gave thanks to God.

YS: You’re not mad?

I’m not mad. I’m a shaking mess. My heart is racing hard again and I could never get used to this.

YS: When do you want to talk? Right now?

I could shower him with the happiest of my Kakao stickers but I figured I needed to control myself and not creep him out.

HJ: I got a lesson with the trainees in 5 minutes. How about an hour later?

YS: ㅇㅋ

One minute ago I was too anxious to even be in the same room as him and now I’m almost jumping in joy. Maybe I needed medical assistance after all. Janitress unnie understood me more than I understood myself. Song Hyojung, I am entirely convinced that you indeed have fallen way too deep.

~*~

“Hyojungie, did your class with the trainees go well?” Hayoon asked, scanning through some documents that she has no plans with sharing to me.

“Other than a few dozing off, it went perfectly.” I grinned, not looking at anything in particular. My mind was somewhere else but it seemed like I can communicate pretty well in this state.

“What?” she stopped reading and looked at me with disbelief.

“You heard me, unnie~” It took me a few seconds later to remember that I shouldn’t be addressing her as unnie in the workplace. My inner self was whispering as loud as it can to me, Wipe off that grin on your face, Hyojung! Hey! Heyyyy! Listen to me! I am so going to receive a scolding later.

“Why are you so happy about some of your pupils dozing off?”

“I’m not happy with it at all~”

The other trainees were very active I was too happy to scold those who were sleeping, thinking that everybody needs a break once in a while. I know for a fact that trainees have it rough. Some even give up eating and sleeping just to learn how to do a freaking body wave! They deserve all the sleep they need and I’m very happy to say that I gave them that chance. And I’m going to speak to Yoseob in a couple of minutes too so…

“But you’re smiling.”

“No, I’m not~”

“Hyojung, do you need to see a doctor?”

“Maybe I do~”

“Can I slap you?”

All the sparkles in my life suddenly fell in sinkhole and what replaced them was a very dark atmosphere. Hayoon was half-glaring and half-smiling at me. I saw my grave in her eyes and I felt like running for my life and finding a place to hide.

“H-huh?” I backed off and my back pressed against my chair’s backrest.

“I’m having none of this bull, Song Hyojung. You got one job. One job. When was it okay for a student to sleep during class? You better do your job seriously and when I see you slacking off during our class with BEAST, I’m going to take you down to the ground and you won’t be getting your next pay check, you hear me? You got half an hour to pull yourself together, young lady. If you don’t want to work in a convenience store, do what you’re told to do. Now go wipe that silly grin off your face before I grapple you.”

We’re not even sitting close to each other but I could feel her words ringing in my ear. She didn’t speak loudly, which made me even more petrified. I’m used to seeing a fuming Yoon Hayoon but never did she spoke in a furious whisper. For a woman who really loves her job, I really ruined it for her and I couldn’t help but feel terrible. Pushing Yoseob to the farthest corners of my mind currently sounds like the best option.

“I’m very sorry,” I softly muttered and stood up, bowed slowly and quietly walked to the door. “I’m going to excuse myself and pull myself together.”

“You better do.”

She looked at me intently and it stayed like that for a while. I felt imaginary sweat trickling down the back of my neck. She’s probably shooting me with daggers and planning my death in her head.

“Please excuse me,” I bowed again and opened the door only to be stopped by her.

“If you’re meeting a BEAST member then make sure you both get back on time for our last lesson. Or else you’ll both get the punishment,” she calmly told me as she got back to reviewing some documents. I slightly nodded and stepped out of the room.

“I hope you two will work out,” I heard before I closed the door. It would be for the best if I just ignored that one.

I ran as fast as I can to the recording studio and peeked into the window of the door, being cautious as to not by chance close it and lock Yoseob inside. Before he could acknowledge my presence, I immediately called out to him as I swung the door open.

“Hey, Yoseob, we got to do this quickly in like,” I paused to look at my watch, “26 minutes sharp before Hayoon-ssi wrestles me and breaks my bones, okay?”

Instead of looking shocked, he chuckled lightly and did a small wave, acknowledging me, and mentioned my name. I shuffled to where he was sitting and as soon as I reached him, he stood up so that we could meet eye-to-eye. I needed to tilt my head a bit higher to meet his eyes that remind me of the color of coffee beans. I held up my hand, my palm showing. “Hi.”

“Yo.” He smiled and slightly tilted his head to the side. ‘Can’t do aegyo.’ my .

“It feels like I haven’t talked to you in ages,” he looked away, pouting, and mumbled, “with you ignoring me since the other day.”

I laughed nervously and messily ran my fingers through my hair. I don’t think he’s ready to hear what happened to me this morning.

“This morning is a different case…”

“You ignored my calls too…”

“My phone broke, you see. And I had to have it fixed this morning.”

Wait a sec. Why am I the one answering his questions? Shouldn’t he be the one to be interrogated?

“Yoseob…” I stepped closer to him and daringly looked at him straight in the eye no matter how uneasy it made me feel. “Who do you think is at fault in all this?”

“I,” his voice came out jittery and he had to clear his throat and try again. “I’m afraid to say I’m not very much prepared for interrogation.”

I took a step back and crossed my arms. “You should’ve seen this coming, you know.”

“How could I answer you when I don’t know the answer myself,” he instantly said, most likely upset at himself.

“It’s weird for me, too, to say your name in a live broadcast. It really shocked me just like how it shocked everybody in the agency. I also don’t know what I’d do when this will become a big problem in the future so if it might trouble you some day then I’d take responsibility. I’m really sorry, Hyojungie. It would be understandable if you were to get mad at me. I sincerely apologize.”

He was calm and serious in saying his apologies that it scared me more than before with Hayoon unnie. This was beyond my expectations. I pictured him to state his explanations and say a simple sorry. Yoseob was bowing at me in a 90 degree angle and it made me feel undeserving of being acquainted with an admirable person like him. I’ve seen him joking around so many times before that I forgot how much of a courteous and direct man he really is.

“And about that banana picture I sent, it was Doojoon’s idea and it was a mistake for me to actually think it’s a good one. Sorry about that too,” he said, getting up from his bow while trying hard not to laugh. “It was a bad pun.”

I was glad he lightened up the atmosphere or I think I wouldn’t be able to speak without feeling so bashful because of a gentleman’s polite manners.

“Before I accept your apology, may I correct you on the spelling of one of the lyrics of your own song.  It’s heart sick not hurt sick.”

“Blame Doojoon on that, too.”

Somebody needs to teach Doojoon and Hani not to fiddle with their best friends’ phones.

After we both laughed about Yoseob’s last remark, it suddenly turned silent and all we did was look at each other and no matter how much I wanted to look away and give myself a time to breathe properly, I didn’t break the eye contact and so did Yoseob. What is he thinking at this very moment? What does he want to talk about? Should we already leave the place and prepare for the Japanese lesson? For some reason I was in between calm and losing myself. If this goes on, who knows what random question I’d ask next.

Thankfully, Yoseob did the asking part for me.

“Is our 26 minutes up?” I don’t know but I hope 26 minutes is equivalent to forever. I checked my watch despite me not wanting to know how much time alone we have left. There’s something else that we could do that doesn’t involve awkwardly looking at each other and not uttering a word.

“The begging for my mercy part only took 10 minutes of our time,” I wanted to say.

“I hope not,” I ended up saying. I wanted to bang my head against the wall. Yoseob showed me again his charming smile and the urge to bang my head against the wall only grew more. He knows what he’s doing, doesn’t he? He’s doing this on purpose!

“Really?” he slowly uttered and sat on one of the couches.

“You heard me. There were only 16 minutes left but now we wasted another minute so what do you want to do?” Nice save, Hyojung. That was smooth like a baby’s cheek.

“Go ask me a random question again like last time. Ask me about what I think about parrots. Let’s make the most out of our 15 minutes.”

As I am the only one hearing my own thoughts, let me assume this as Yoseob wanting to spend more time with me.

“Uh, okay… What do you think about parrots?” It’s a stupid question but I asked it anyway.

“They’re cool.” he nodded proudly at himself like he just said the best answer ever.

“That’s it?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “That ended quicker than expected.”

The first 10 minutes were spent on us basically taking turns on asking each other questions. Every second I was more convinced that I did undeniably like the same person who not only sang on stage with five talented and musically inclined men but also the person who had weird cravings when he was 7 and had his mom cook him homemade ramen at 2 am in the morning because he was sleep-talking about his need for ramen intake. I was filled with so much information that can’t be found in the internet. I felt special under those 16 minutes. It was the closest that I got to Yang Yoseob. It was ironic how I thought this whole conversation will be such a hard thing to keep going but it turns out our topics just hops on to the other.

“Crazy how President Hong became my dad in this company.”

“Yeah, and it’s also crazy that manager-nim reminds me of my uncle from the farm.”

He lightly laughed. “Really?”

I nodded. “They’re really the same except for the fact that my uncle gives really great dating advice.”

And that’s how we got to the dating subject in the last 5 minutes.

“You know what, I think you and the boys should receive some lessons from him when it comes to dating.”

“Send his contacts to Doojoonie! He is getting really old…”

“You got my word. Have you guys ever thought of dating?” I casually pushed on the subject, suddenly filled with great curiosity. I stretched both my legs and made myself feel more comfortable and enjoy the softness of the cushion. “I don’t know because I’m not a celebrity but does it ever get lonely?”

He lifted his head and rested it on the couch’s headrest. “Not really.”

I jokingly pushed him with my shoulder and he unexpectedly fell sideward. “You’re always receiving confessions not just from fans right? And it’s not like it’s illegal. Dating, I mean.”

“Do you really like me to date that much?” he talked back with a smug look on his face.

“Well, do you want to die unmarried?”

“I don’t particularly like being confessed to,” he admitted with a small smile on his face. It turns like this is the question he most likely doesn’t fancy. We agreed to leave the questions unanswered if we feel uncomfortable. I don’t know why he still answered this.

“Why is that?” I reluctantly asked.

“I feel bad whenever I reject people. I try not to hurt their feelings but pain is just inevitable.” He shrugged and glanced at his phone to check the time. I knew it was time to run for my life to be on time for our Japanese class but I was not ready to go yet. I still needed to know more. I needed one more minute. Just one more minute.

I watched Yoseob stand up as he mentioned that we needed to go and walked to the door. I was still unsure of what to do and I felt a little bit dumb.

“Hyojungie, let’s go?”

“Wait,” I abruptly said. “You don’t want to be confessed to so you do the confessing?”

He flashed me yet again another smile so secretive that it confuses the heck out of me. This wasn’t even supposed to be of my concern and shouldn’t be something that I should be over-thinking about. It’s his life so why am I even trying to squeeze into it and ask him questions that are so obviously uncomfortable for him?

I saw the slightest movement of him shaking his head.

“I can’t date.”

~*~

It’s the last lesson before BEAST leave and head to Japan. Just like usual classes, I was sitting on the far end of the room taking brief notes about the highlights of the lesson and observe how the BEAST members are doing in the middle of the discussions. I tried my best not to think so much about what’s the meaning behind the last words that Yoseob said to me before we run to where we’re supposed to meet Hayoon unnie and the others.

By I can’t date, does he mean he literally cannot date like it’s a law he imposed on himself or is it like the cannot that he’s just incapable of experiencing human relationships and is a total masochist? Or maybe because of a relationship in the past that didn’t quite work out and he was traumatized by it and doesn’t want to feel the pain again that’s why he never, ever, ever, ever, ever wants to date again? Is it because he’s afraid the fans might turn their back on him? Yeah, maybe that’s the reason. Or maybe he’s allergic to women perfume and can’t help sneezing when on a date? Or maybe because his schedules are too jam-packed that he won’t have time to date… Maybe that’s one of the reasons too… Or maybe –

“SONG HYOJUNG!!!”

I was cut immediately mid-thought. I turned to see Hayoon unnie fuming again and at that moment I was already ready to receive a blow from her. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was so deep in thought I was drawing circles on my notebook.

“Y-yes?”

“You’ve been so out of it the whole day. Are you feeling sick?”

I violently shook my head.

“Great. Now come here!!!”

I pursed my lips and drew a deep breath. She’s going to chop me to pieces and sell me to the black market, isn’t she?

“Sit here.” I did what she told and sit not too close from her with an irked expression I deliberately wore. That was mainly to brighten up the atmosphere and the boys all discreetly laughed.

I leaned towards Hayoon unnie and whispered, “Did you call me here to bring you coffee ‘cause I –“

“You won’t be serving any coffees today, Hyojung.” She was still as stolid as ever after exploding with anger.

“Cool, great. So what’s my role here?”

“Have you even been listening?”

“I… was, but I still need some clarification because I might have missed some important points about what role should I execute and if I’m filled with complete information then I’m sure my performance will bring fulfilment to you,” I tried my best to sound convincing just so that she would repeat what she had said when I was so foolishly preoccupied with thoughts about Yoseob and dating.

She raised an eyebrow and just chose not to argue with me any longer and repeated exactly what she said. The activity for today is that we’ll pretend that we’re in a fansign even in Japan and I’ll act as a fan and ask them random questions written on the script Hayoon unnie will provide for me. The questions are in Japanese and I am required to be full on character. It’s a little embarrassing but my pride on being a member of our high school drama club is at stake if I don’t do this correctly.

“There are 2 questions to be asked for each member.”

“But there are only 11 questions…”

“I lost the other paper for the second set of questions so good luck on your adlibs!” Hayoon gave me a strong pat in the back I thought I could cough out blood.

The first person in line was Dongwoon. I walked with poise towards him and complimented his looks before I went with the questions.

“Oppa~! You’re really, really handsome!”

He shook his head with a haughty smile on his face as if saying “Aw man, not this again!” and looked me in the eye slowly. I am so going to tell every detail of this conversation to Micha.

“Thanks, I’m on the way to Oscars after this event,” he replied in fluent Japanese with a toothy grin.

“Oppa, if I gave you an elephant as a fan present, where will you hide it? Will you take it to the Oscars with you?” The question itself surprised me but I had no other choice but to ask them out loud. Even Dongwoon’s confidence level stooped down after being asked.

“I don’t know… In a zoo? Or I could ride it on the way to the Oscars like Aladdin did. I am an Arabian prince after all.”

Next person in line was Junhyung.

“Oppa, is it true that you own a house in every country in this world?” Again, just reading out loud what’s written on the paper.

He laughed out loud, his hand covering his mouth, and shook his head. “No.”

“Do you speak with Hyungnim?”

“Yes.” Hayoon unnie can’t evaluate him when the only word he says are Yes and No.

“What if we all spoke dog and all dogs spoke human?”

“Um, what?”

“Just answer it, oppa~”

“Then, wan wan wan wan wan.*”

This is the weirdest scripted conversation that I’ve ever had in one day. I gave Junhyung a thumbs up. “Great answer.”

I was reading all the questions before I proceeded to Hyunseung and noticed how implausibly irrelevant they all are. I turned to Hayoon unnie and gave her a confused look and she just waved me to carry on.

“How can you lift a bear with 1 hand?” I asked Hyunseung. I’m not even planning to act as a fan anymore and ended up making myself look like an interviewer. Maybe I would’ve gotten into the fan spirit if the questions were more related to what I am acting to be.

He held up two of his hands. “I would need 90 hands then.*”

The 5 members began laughing in unison. He didn’t even notice how much of a bad pun that was.

“No, I mean a bear. Like, the animal. Bear.” I explained.

He shook his head. “I can’t do that.”

“You won’t even try?”

“It would be very heavy. We should just join forces and hunt for meat together so that we can have dinner.”

“What if the bear ends up hunting you, oppa?”

“That can’t be. We’ll join forces remember?”

This is unbelievable. Questions like these aren’t even asked in fansign events!

“Kikwang oppa, if weights are called weights because they have heavy weight, then should ladders be called heights because they have a high height?” Well at least the questions are all related to them, one way or another.

“That’s the same as calling shorts shorts because they are short. So why are pants not called longs?”

“I don’t know. I’m the one asking you.”

“I don’t know the answer,” he immediately replied, clearly confused on what’s going on. I kept on hearing Doojoon and Dongwoon making needless comments about the whole thing and kept on asking me questions I don’t even know how to answer.

The questions when it was Doojoon’s turn were finally a bit toned down and clear.

“Doojoon oppa, when is your birthday?”

I watched his face turn into a scowled expression.

“Why are the boring questions directed to me?” he complained.

I leaned in a bit closer and warned him, “I think you should keep your opinions to yourself because the writer of all these questions is just across the room.”

Doojoon looked away and pouted like a kid. “July 4, 1989.”

“Oppa, I know you can buy 7 laptops in one day but how extreme can you go when it comes to shopping?”

“He’s a very big spender,” commented Yoseob.

“He spends more money than Junhyung hyung,” Dongwoon added.

“Yah, yah, I’m the one being asked here okay?” Doojoon turned to me and smiled mischievously. “I don’t just spend money on video games.

“Pfft,” Hyunseung snorted.

“Such lies,” Junhyung and Kikwang said in unison, in which they both turned to each other at the same time and nodded like they’re saying “Great job, bro, we are one.”

“Just go on and ask Yoseobie some questions already.” Doojoon threatened

 “Fuan na fan!*” he gleefully called me while waving an outstretched hand. I only laughed it off so that it won’t be too obvious that I’m a shaking mess in the inside.

“Fuan na fan my ,” I muttered under my breath.

“That’s not really nice,” he whispered back in Korean while smiling.

“Yah, I can’t hear you both from here!” Dongwoon exclaimed. Yoseob leaned backward to stick out his tongue to Dongwoon and leaned back forward to properly face me.

“What question do you have for me?” I glanced down on the piece of paper I’m holding and noticed that it’s the last question on the list. My stomach reacted so strongly I feel like I needed to take a trip back to the toilet again. I felt my heart racing and I haven’t even heard the answer yet!

“W-would you date a fan?”

He nodded while smiling like it was the only thing he was sure of in his life.

“Would you date me?”

No answer. I suddenly felt hot and so uncomfortable at how this situation took its turn to the worse. I knew it. He will never feel the same. But this isn’t the case here. Knowing if I don’t do something I would forever hide myself away from Yoseob, I did the only thing left to do to preserve our friendship. I cried.

“So you’re saying you will never love me? When I have supported you since your debut? I-I thought you’d date a fan but – but why won’t you date me? I bought all your albums and even memorized all the lyrics to your song and,” I paused to sniff and sob hysterically, “I photoshopped ourselves together and saw how well we fit with each other. Why can’t you see that, oppa?”

Tears were all over my face and before I knew it, hands were already supporting my arms and trying to drag me away from the fansign table.

“Guards, somebody help me calm this girl down.”

“Miss, if you could just calm down and take deep breaths.”

“Yoseob will date you okay? He will date you so stop crying.”

I noticed those were the voices of Doojoon and Kikwang and figured they were also getting into the act. I was messily wiping away my tears with my hands and still continuing to sob like there’s no tomorrow. My years of being a loyal member of the drama club didn’t fail me.

“I’m not even his ideal type! How could he date me?! I’m a horrible person.” I blew my nose on a handkerchief that appeared out of nowhere. I suppose it belongs to Hyunseung seeing how mortified he looked when I blew on to it. Whoops.

Yoseob was the only one sitting down, the others already acting as body guards and trying to support me to get me on my feet. He kept looking around, unsure of what to do. 

But in truth I really was crying. This is actually supposed to be a joke to mask the humiliation from being rejected. Nothing could convince me more than him not saying anything when I was asking him a question that’s equal to a confession. I should’ve been aware from the start that people like us just weren’t good for each other. I didn’t have to force my feelings when it came to him. It just happened naturally. It was also natural for him not to feel the same. My heart felt like being torn apart so slowly, so excruciatingly slow it was painful.

 “C-can we redo this again?”

I will if I could.

* wan wan wan means woof woof woof in Japanese

* 9-0 can be read as ku-ma, which also means bear. (So instead of saying 90 as a whole, Hyunseung said the numbers 9 and 0 separately. This doesn't make any sense at all but it fits his 4d personality well hehehehe)

* Fuan na fan - another bad pun lol it means uneasy/anxious fan

 A/N: Well isn't this chapter such a mess ;__; Finals just ended and I already have a college to get into  yoooohooooo thank you for to all those who wished me luck on my exams :---* I will coninue to write for you beautiful people >u<

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