Yoona

The one thing that registered in my mind was how cold it was. My teeth were practically chattering. Did the owners of this place realize just how much energy and money they were wasting having the air conditioning on so high and running for so long?

“Hey, baby...want me to get you a drink?” Some boy, I had no idea who he was, came uncomfortably close and leered at me.

“No thank you- please find some other female who will fulfill your ual desire of needing someone to grind upon,” I replied in a curt manner. The boy gave me a strange look and sauntered away.

I grit my teeth as I wobbled around in my ridiculously high heels. I’m freezing... While the navy blue half-sleeve V-neck of soft cotton provided some warmth, the black miniskirt I had on did nothing to help my situation at all.

What, you may ask, was I doing by myself at a party filled with jocks, cheerleaders, popular kids getting drunk instead of curled up in my normal habitat studying? Well, things unfolded as such...

“A...get together?” I asked skeptically.

“...Okay fine, it’s party that will probably have alcohol,” Jessica admitted over the phone.

“As I thought. And what kind of purpose would me being there serve, exactly?”

“Donghae is supposed to be there.”

My eyes widened. “Donghae goes to these kinds of things?”

“He does, but don’t worry, he doesn’t drink or anything. He’s actually one of the most sober guys I know. Anyway...point is, this is your chance, Yoona.”

“Chance for what?”

“Remember the stuff we got two weeks ago from the mall? Wear that with the heels I picked out for you in June and I guarantee you’ll get Donghae to notice you more.”

I hesitated. While the idea of Donghae finally seeing me in a different light was appealing, the notion of wearing barely anything and doing something like partying made me somewhat uncomfortable.

“Jessica, this is ludicrous...I won’t know anybody there except for you and Donghae. And I’m not popular, why on earth would they let me in?”

“Don’t worry about it- Chansung said that we’re  welcome to bring friends, as long as they ‘pass inspection.’ And trust me, you’ll definitely pass his inspection after you put on your outfit and I get your make-up done. How about it, Yoona? It’s this Saturday and I know you finished your summer homework at least a week ago so don’t you dare use academics as an excuse not to see your man...”

I sighed through my nose. Jessica had me there. “Fine. But I don’t want to stay too long.”

Four days later, I left my apartment flat, telling my parents that I would be staying over at Jessica’s, saying nothing of the party. Following the directions she provided me, I was slightly surprised to find that it led to a large, elegant house in one of the wealthy parts of Seoul. Then I remembered that Jessica’s father was a politician, her mother a socialite from a rich family.

Jessica received me at the gates and, after a quick introduction to her sister Krystal, dragged me upstairs and tossed me the outfit she had prepared. “Hurry and get changed- I’ve got a lot of experimenting to do with your face...”

I sighed and stepped into her walk-in closet, which was complete with a full-length mirror. When I did a final overview of my body, I winced at just how much of my thin, bare legs were shown off by the skirt.

Half an hour of getting chemicals dabbed and smudged on my face later, I found myself getting transported in a Mercedes Benz to a residential apartment flat. It turns out that I shouldn’t have worried about getting into the party- rather, I should have been much more worried about the way Chansung looked me over up and down and gave me a sly, hungry smirk.

Jessica disappeared quickly- one minute she was by my side, the next she was gone. I hardly knew anyone amongst the groups of teenagers crowded in the apartment flat. Thus, that was how I ended up standing by myself in a corner, shivering from the air-conditioning and counting how many people I saw light a joint, make out or rush headlong to the bathroom to empty their stomachs to amuse myself.

At least, that’s what I did until I heard someone say, “Heyyy- Donghae, you made it!” I felt my spine stiffen and a heat rush through my cheeks.

Indecision froze me in my spot. Should I try fleeing the room? Or do the best I could to blend into the walls and furniture in hopes that he didn’t spot me?

Or maybe you could stop being a coward and actually give Donghae the opportunity to see a different side of you, a sardonic voice said in my head. As it turned out though, I didn’t have to put in any effort- the opportunity presented itself.

He wandered into the room just as I was debating what to do and almost immediately caught sight of me. My heart felt like it would explode as I felt his eyes on me.

Donghae approached me and said, “Yoona? Is that you...?”

“Y-yeah...it’s...me,” I stammered.

“Jessica kept telling me all week that she’d drag you to a social gathering. I can’t believe she actually pulled it off.” I giggled while my cheeks turned pink from embarrassment. He laughed along too, but his eyes wandered, not quite staying on my face. “You...um...if you don’t mind me saying...you look really good.”

Inexplicably, the happiness that arose from my chest defeated the embarrassment. A smile stretched the muscles in my face as I thanked him shyly. Somehow, just like that, it became so easy to talk to him, to feel warmth and security inside and to forget all about his girlfriend.

So when Donghae said, “Here, let me go get us some drinks- I’ll make sure they’re not spiked...” I smiled at him, and, feeling lighthearted, began to mingle with the other people who I, for a time, forgot were also present at the party.

I am actually conversing well with people who would normally tease me for my intelligence- this is progress! I thought excitedly to myself. I could just imagine Yuri stifling a grin and saying, “That’s cause half the guys there are struggling to keep their tents down when they see you in that outfit.”

I finished my highly informative complaint about the air conditioning in the flat to a group of high school socialites- some of them hung onto my every word while other boys had their attention more on me than what I was saying.

“You sure are smart.” The comment came from a boy. He looked to be a senior with heavily gelled black hair, wearing a leather jacket over a white wife beater and ripped jeans.

“Yes? Your point?” I was feeling oddly confident, defiant even.

“Nothing bad. I like it. It’s cool...y...” He flashed me a smile, showing off all his surgically whitened teeth. Normally, such a remark would have bothered me immensely, but instead, I smirked at him and shrugged, indicating that it was no big deal. “By the way, I’m Taecyeon. Ok Taecyeon.”

“Im Yoona. Pleased to make your acquaintance.” The boy raised an eyebrow at me, before chuckling. We carried on a conversation- despite his appearance and intimidating aura, he was quite easy to chat with.

Donghae eventually returned, cups in hand. When he saw me together with Taecyeon, his eyes narrowed, which surprised me- rarely in my life have I ever seen Donghae irritated or angry. Despite that though, he remained civil and greeted us.

A few minutes later, Sunye stepped into the room wearing a revealing low cut shirt and skin tight jeans with boots, beaming at her boyfriend. “Excuse me for a second...” Donghae said. I sighed to myself- even with all the effort Jessica had put in, I still lost out to her.

But just before he left my side, Donghae turned to me and said, “Yoona...watch...” He glanced at Taecyeon, who was still standing next to me. He shook his head, muttered “Never mind” and went to join his girlfriend.

“What was that about?” Taecyeon asked.

“I...I’m not sure...” I replied, as I was confused myself.

“Well whatever. Hey, let me show you something. It’s really cool,” he suggested. I have been raised to question everything- yet, somehow, I followed this boy I barely knew blindly towards one of the guest rooms. “By the way...you’re friends with Jessica Jung, right?” he asked as we entered the room.

“Yes, I am.”

 “I see...” he said in a low voice, shutting the door behind him. Taecyeon moved so close to me that the strong scent of his cologne began to disorient me.  Before I could ask what he was doing, his hands snuck down to my and cupped it firmly.

I may not have had that much experience in the prerequisites of ual activity, but it became pretty clear to me that that was what Taecyeon had intended to engage with me- and that I didn’t like it at all.

“...G-Get off...please...stop...” I asked, ashamed of how weak my voice sounded, while Taecyeon played with my bra strap under my sweater. When he blatantly disregarded my pleas and began to crowd me into a wall, I attempted to push him but found that it was impossible. Just when leaned in and was about to touch his lips with mine, the door opened. I turned and realized that I almost would have preferred that Taecyeon had continued his conquest uninterrupted when I saw Jea, Jessica and, worst of all, Donghae standing by the doorframe, staring at us.

“Oh my- well this is awkward...” Jea declared, smirking at me. Jessica stood by her side, her eyes wide with shock. Donghae...I couldn’t even look at Donghae. No way could I possibly bring myself to look him in the eye after what he just witnessed.

 For a few moments, I stood there in simple, stunned horror. Then, with all my might, I shoved Taecyeon off of me and took off, not caring how many people stared at me as I rushed out the door. I flung open the metal door, making a huge clang behind me. I collapsed on the sidewalk and gasping sobs made my chest heave. I heard Jessica approach me from behind.

“Is this...is this what they do...here?” I hiccupped. “T-Trap innocent girls...and...and make them look like...absolute...fools...?”

“I’m sorry...I’m so sorry, Yoona...this was to set me up. We...we were set up...” said Jessica, sounding genuinely upset. “Look...we need to clear this up right now-...”

“No. No I don’t want to go back there. Please don’t make me go back there,” I begged her, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I can’t see him. This isn’t what I wanted him to see me as! As...as one of them...as some dirty...girl...who freely mates with anyone she pleases. Why? Why did you bring me here, Jessica? Better he saw me as a good friend than a who didn’t care about him!”

Jessica tried to insist that Donghae surely wouldn’t think of me that way, but I didn’t care to listen to her. Jessica sighed and gave me a tight hug. After whispering a dozen “I’m sorry’s” and “I really, really didn’t mean for this to happen”  she called for her driver.

Hyoyeon

I ran to Hyukjae.

I ran to him for almost everything- to tell him whatever exciting story I had to tell him, to brag about whatever petty accomplishment I was proud of, to cry to him about bullies, to escape the house with my drunken gambler of a father.

For four years, Hyukjae’s house was my sanctuary. Four years running, Hyukjae was my savior.

Just for a brief moment in time, things in my life weren’t quite so bad.

But of course, from what I’ve learned so many times, good things usually never last.

It was surprisingly gradual. Once middle school rolled around, Hyukjae was still my best friend and confidante. Both of us found a few other friends but we- well, I don’t know about Hyukjae, but I still thought of him as my number one.

Then, a few months later, Hyukjae picked up dancing as his hobby as well as a whole ton of other friends.

Slowly, little by little, our conversations became shorter and shorter. The fact that we were going through puberty didn’t help things. I started second-guessing his motives, wondering what he really thought about me- it almost became an obsession.

Everything came crashing down that one day. I happened to pass by Hyukjae and his friends having a mini dance-off just outside the school building. I asked him, hopefully, if I could join.

I’ll never forget what he said.

“What are you talking about, Hyoyeon? Girls can’t dance with us!”

“Yeah, especially ugly girls like you!” one of his friends added. The other boys started cracking up. Hyukjae didn’t join them but he didn’t stop them either; he wouldn’t look me in the eye.

Tears b in my eyes and my heart splintering to pieces, I slapped Hyukjae hard across the face. I was about to go in for another swing, but at the last second, decided he wasn’t worth getting in trouble over. I turned and ran home, away from the happiness I once used to think I had, and back to the home of my father who gambled away my future.

On occasion, I found solace in substances. I refused to go down the path of my alcoholic father, but more than a few times have I stolen cash in exchange for a small bag filled with fragrant pot.

When I wasn’t baked and distant from the world, I resolved to make it on my own. My best friend left me- I didn’t need anyone. I was going to show him that I was not worthless without him. I could be just as good as he was- no, even better than he was.

I pursued dancing and made it my one dream in life. I pushed my father to give up his addictions. I survived for years, without him by my side. I was prepared to keep on going that way.

The apartment flat was empty; Eunkyung-unnie was out at her night shift job again. I was in my comfort zone, listening to some soulful music on my iPod and finishing up some last problems on my summer homework when I heard a knock at the door. Sighing, I dropped my pencil and ripped out my earbuds.

My eyebrows shot up my forehead when I opened the door to find Donghae supporting Hyukjae.

“Oh thank God you’re home, Hyoyeon,” Donghae said, sighing with relief. I took one whiff of the air between us and my suspicions were confirmed; Hyukjae was utterly inebriated. “As you can probably tell, this idiot monkey drank four bottles of soju when I wasn’t watching. Please take care of him for me?”

I groaned and wordlessly helped Hyukjae into the flat. Donghae gave me an apologetic smile and thanked me again.

As I staggered and tried to balance him, Hyukjae stirred. “Hey Hyo,” he said, giving me a big, dopey smile.

“Shut up ,” I shot back at him. “Who the hell said you could get piss-faced drunk on soju?” Already I was irritated thinking about what used to be and now this was getting as drunk as my father used to get? I yanked him hard to the bathroom and filled the sink with cold water. Even though he was stronger than I was, the soju had rendered his control over his movements useless; I easily pushed him face-first into the ice cold pool.

He howled in discomfort. “Serves you right,” I said, gritting my teeth. Suddenly, he whirled around and pinned me against the wall. Guess he wasn’t so drunk he couldn’t use his strength against me.

“, I was thinking about you!” he snarled. I cocked my head in confusion. What is he talking about?

“I tried...tried to forget...about you...but not even more...can make me forget...Hyo...you’re so cold...to me...” he stuttered. Then, Hyukjae touched his forehead with mine and in a choked whisper, said, “Why won’t you forgive me? What...will it take...till you stop hating me?”

I stared at him, shocked. Then, he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine.

“Hey Hyoyeon...do you like any boys right now?”

I thought about it for a second. “Not really. Boys are mean. They call me ‘ugly’, like a lot of the other girls do.”

“I don’t do that.”

“That’s true. Not all boys are mean.”  

“So...do you like me?”

“I guess so. Yeah, I like you. You’re kinda weird but you’re not a jerk like the other boys are.”

Hyukjae was quiet for a while. Two fifth graders passed the time on a bench, watching the Han River rush by. “...Have you ever kissed someone, Hyo?”

“...Yeah- but it was a dare in first grade. Why?”

“I heard that if you like someone, you kiss them.”

“...Oh...” My heart was pounding in my chest, but I wasn’t sure why. “...Do you like me, Hyukjae?”

He didn’t say anything, but he smiled at me. Then Hyukjae leaned in close, his gummy smile melting away.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I started to sob. The feeling had been strange and confused me. Hyukjae, startled and worried, said, “I’m sorry, Hyoyeon- please forgive me. I won’t do anything like that again.”

Suddenly, I felt him slump against me- he finally passed out. I set him down, not quite gently, down on the bathroom. He was going to wake up completely confused and quite uncomfortable, sure, but I needed time for myself then, to think about what had just happened.

And no way was I going to drag him all the way to his bedroom anyway.

Sooyoung

White. White everywhere. The satin ribbons, the walls, the roses, the bride’s practically perfect gown.

The purity of the place nearly drove me insane.

I shook my head slightly; soft waves of my black hair brushed against my bare shoulders, down to almost the small of my back. It’s even longer than Go Ara’s, I noted.

Go Ara. I had seen her just a few moments ago, talking with her bridesmaids, laughing at some joke, smiling at that perfect smile Yunho must have fallen so hard for. She was gorgeous, pretty much glowing in her lovely, pure white bridal dress. In just an hour, she, a creature of absolute beauty, would be bound in holy matrimony to the man I admired and grew to yearn for as a child.

Now, Soo, I told myself silently, gathering as much willpower necessary to rouse myself out of my seat. It’s now or never.

I double-checked the time, then slipped out of the main chapel hall. When I made my way towards the dressing rooms, I heard footsteps behind me.

“Sooyoung...are you really okay with doing this?” Seohyun asked.

I turned to the youngest girl and gave her a small, melancholic smile. “I’m sure of this, Seohyun. I...I have to do this. I’ll never find true closure and peace if I don’t.”

Yoona gave me a look of sympathy and a pat of encouragement. Yuri said, “Don’t worry, Sooyoung. We’ll wait here for you- you can do this.”

I nodded at them, finding it hard to swallow. Hold it in, I commanded. Be strong right now. I can be weak afterwards. Taking a deep breath, I knocked lightly on the door. Five seconds later, the door swung open and Yunho, stunning in his groom tuxedo attire, stepped into view.

“Hey, Sooyoung!” he greeted me in his usual warm manner. I couldn’t help but blush, the familiar feeling of adoration sweeping over me.

I regained my composure and said in a small voice, “Hi Yunho-oppa.” Yunho-oppa. How long had it been since I last saw him outside of school and called him that? “May...may I come in?”

“Yeah of course! I’ve still got an hour and...truth be told, there’s no one else here, and I’m quite bored,” he chuckled, stepping aside and gesturing for me to enter.

The dusky smell of disuse made my nose wrinkle. The small room seemed to serve as a dressing room for Yunho and his friends, as could be seen by the jackets and random items strewn all over the place.

“I know, it’s a disaster area in here,” Yunho grimaced. “I’m really no better myself. I’m going to have to shape up before I drive Ara insane.”

I managed a reassuring smile and said, “I’m sure Ara-ssi won’t mind- when it comes down to it, she probably loves you enough to forgive you for your faults.”

“Yeah- it’swhy I’m going to marry her in fifty minutes,” he said, his eyes becoming dreamy. The confidence in his simple statement of love...the smile, wider than I’d ever seen it stretch struck me with an odd profundity, despite my own unrequited love for him.

This is it. I took a deep breath.

“Yunho-oppa? There’s something I have to tell you...or, really, confess to you. If you don’t mind...just taking a little time...to hear it? I don’t mean to waste your time or anything...”

“Of course I’ll listen,” he insisted. “Don’t worry, you’re not going to waste my time.” Though he was smiling, his eyes were trained on mine and his expression was serious.

I swallowed, finding a lump in my throat. “Okay...well...you know how we’ve known each other for a really long time. ‘Cause, you know, my brother’s been best friends with you since middle school...and well...I’m really happy I’ve been able to get to know you. I’m really...grateful, for all those moments we spent...together...” I broke off, only then realizing that the end was so near.

“Sooyoung...I’m listening,” Yunho encouraged me gently. I had his full attention. He wasn’t just going to take me lightly because I was a silly high school girl, foolishly in love with him.

I wanted nothing more to cry, overwhelmed I was by my feelings- but damn it, I was going to get through this confession!

“Jung Yunho...ever since I was a kid...I’ve liked you. I’ve really liked you.” I drew in a deep breath; a huge sniffle ended up escaping through my nose. “I...used to think I loved you...but...haha...I guess I was a little delusional back then...I probably just really valued you being there for me as another older brother since Soon Jong and Mom and Dad weren’t home a lot...”

A few more sniffles and a weird gasping noise emitted from my throat choking up. . So much for holding it in. However, to my utter surprise, Yunho rummaged through a bag, fished out some tissues and used them to wipe the tears that had begun to brim in my eyes.

“Sooyoung...you should never dismiss your feelings as stupid or meaningless,” he said, dabbing lightly. “It doesn’t matter if other people think they are- what matters is that they were very important to you.” When Yunho finished, he stepped back and gave me a sad smile.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to keep these feelings to yourself all this time,” said Yunho. “What you did was...really brave. But I’m...really sorry that I can’t return your feelings.”

The axe fell; heavy silence filled the room.

“But...please don’t be discouraged. Love is quite painful for most people. We get hurt constantly, yet somehow we keep yearning to find that someone to love. You are a beautiful, lively girl- and I’m not just saying that. Really, I’ve always had fun whenever we hung out together. I’m sure that you’ll be able to find someone who won’t force you to only admire them from afar or carry on painful, one-sided affections for them- but instead will truly treasure you for who you are.”

I in a deep breath and then managed a small smile through my tears. “...Thank you...thank you so much...Yunho-oppa...” I flung open my arms and hugged him tightly, like I used to do so often when I was a child.

I was smiling when I left the room, my heart still aching but my footsteps a million times lighter. My friends were waiting at the end of the hallway and they all took me in their arms, whispering “Good job, Sooyoung”, “You did great”, “It’s all going to be okay”. Tears still fell from my eyes but I whispered back, “Yeah. Yeah it is. Thanks...thank you so much you guys...”

I was smiling throughout the whole ceremony, from when Ara floated down the aisle to when she and Yunho exchanged vows and shared their first kiss as two people bound in holy matrimony.

I still smiled when we all gathered around to throw rice around the joyous newlyweds and then later at the reception, when I hung out with my friends and watched as Yunho and Ara danced together, lost in their own world of each other.

Goodbye.

When I finally got home with my brother late at night, I headed straight to my room. I stood in front of the mirror for a long time, thinking of that time when I had been only eight years old and eating dinner with my brother and Yunho.

“I don’t know, Soon Jong- I think girls with long hair are the prettiest. There’s something about it that I can’t help but find attractive.”

After ten minutes of searching, I finally found a little barber kit, back when hairdressing had been my fantasy.

Goodbye...goodbye, my first love, I thought, as clumps of hair fell to the floor. The scissors cut away at old pain and made way for new beginnings. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, a satisfied smile making its way across my face.

I got so many looks and comments from people the first day back from break. It felt so weird not to have a mass of hair hanging down my shoulders and instead feel air whooshing by my neck.

Even my friends, some of whom had already seen my new look, did double takes when they saw me.

“It’s just that you look so different now, Sooyoung,” remarked Jessica.

“Unnie looks so cool though!” Seohyun said, giving me a knowing smile. I laughed along as I walked down the hallways with them.

Four bells later, it was study hall break and I was at the library. As I reached for a book high up on a shelf,  someone else’s fingers reached just above mine and our fingertips touched. I glanced over my shoulder; Changmin’s face grinned back at me.

“Need help with that, miss?” he asked, smirking. I turned towards him, my face tight-lipped. Though we had parted on slightly less hostile terms than usual, it wasn’t like we were suddenly the best of friends.  

Nonetheless, I politely observed, “You got a tan.” He did get a tan- he also looked to have grown an extra half centimeter and there was something less obnoxious about his appearance...

“You got a haircut,” he pointed out. “You actually look kinda cute- short hair really suits you.” He paused- was that a flicker of embarrassment I saw on his face?

I decided to take the compliment for what it was worth- after all, he wasn’t used to this and neither was I.

“Thank you, Changmin.” 

-------------------------------------------------

A/N: wellp. it took me a month to update. again.

being a senior in high school LOL.

yeah. so tired.

thanks. again. love you. all.

....

-sleeps-