Words, millions of them were going through my head as I looked at her, sitting so poised and delicately in front of me. Some formed themselves into questions while others were just that one singular word floating through my head, on the tip of my tougue, like : hey, why, now, maybe. It was like I was suddenly too dense to even process a thought and adding that to the sudden realization that I had gone temporarily mute, I was beginning to think that I was wrong to have invite to dinner tonight.

Come.

I didn’t even know how that stupid SNS came to be. The next morning after I woke up with dried drool on the side of my chin, I was hit with a knowing feeling that I had did something terribly, terribly stupid last night and I was right. What in the world would she think? God, I must’ve gone crazy for good this time. The whole message was, and I did at that time, read it out loud in the room:

Little Café Restaurant.

Come.

11 P.M

I’m certifiably dead, I thought. But there is nothing I can do now, so….

And that’s how we end up here, now.

We were having a pretty intense staring contest by the time the waitress decided to roll in and take our order. Though, I’m sure Hyun would tell you otherwise if you asked her about the situation. Everything was pretty one-sided at the moment, which when translated literally meant: me staring at her while she ignores me and doesn’t stares back.

Everything was going downhill and that’s even before our food had arrived.

Her whole body seemed to lean towards the waitress as she spoke, giving me the impression that she was actually shunning away from me. She spoke quietly, a whisper of secrets, as she gave out her order.

“I will go with what she wants.” I closed the menu. Both of them looked over, surprised like they just noticed my presence. I felt myself shoved the menu over roughly and the waitress hesitated for a second before collecting them, her eyes irritatingly transfixed on me.

And so were Hyun’s.

“Ah,” I called out. “could I also have a small cake?”

The waitress paused for a second before she reminded herself to put on a smile for the customer and smiled as she scribbled something on her notepad, “What would you like?”

As long as it’s something that would take longer than 15 minutes to fully bite and digest, “Surprise me.”

“So, why didn’t you reply?” I fiddled with the silver ring on my forefinger, concentrating absolutely on the effort of taking off and sliding the ring back on my pudgy finger. The intricate pattern on the ring gleaming as it catches light.  

It was quiet for a moment- who off the music?- so quiet that I could hear the sound of my breathing. I looked up to see her back as she had turned around to hang her coat on her chair. When she turned back around, I saw her expression. Nothing; blank. “I wasn’t sure whether I would come.”

“But you did.” It sounded more like question, though that would be illogical, since she was sitting right here now.

She sighed. “Yes.”

I laughed. “I’m glad you did.” Something, if not just a bit, changed in that instant. The atmosphere returned to the familiar one that we used to have.

She smiled and slowly, just right before my eyes, it turned into a small laugh, along with her shoulders vibrating with the sound. And right then my heart gave out that familiar twang of pain as I watched her. That one smile on her face so dear to me that it hurts.

I stopped talking and watched her, just silently looking at her. She stopped laughing after a few seconds when she finally noticed that I wasn’t. “What?” With her eyebrow raised, she questioned me when she saw me staring.

I looked away as shyness set in. “Aniya.” I laughed dryly under my breath, “God, what am I doing to myself……….”

“So, oppa. What had you been doing lately….?” She had on a polite smile.

Drinking more and more each day, that I’m scared one day I would find myself dead on the streets with pigeons eating off of me. Composing randomly but keep getting rejected because and I quote ‘All of it’s too negative, especially the lyrics, could there be just one song, just one that didn’t have the word ‘die’ in it?’-that’s how I’ve been doing. And so I said, “Nothing much. You?”

“Hmm….”, She did her thinking pout thing. Cute. “I’ve been trying my best at my individual activities, but it’s still a bit awkward?” She tried out the word. “Awkward, without the unnies.”

“Yeah, I know how you feel. Sometimes, people would think I’m crazy when I turned around to speak to the air.” I joked. “You know, cause’ I keep expecting Jungshin or Minhyuk to be there.” I laughed at myself. But it’s true, I truly noticed their presence then when  loneliness seeps in while I’m on my own. The worst, especially, was during the start of my own solo activities, I was practically SNSing them every five seconds.

“Yeah…..” She leaned her chin on the heel of her palm. “sometimes I just wish time would turn back….” Her eyelashes fluttered as she blinked. She looked up the same time I did, our eyes connected and I knew then that we both had the same thought: us and our faulty relationship.

“Hyun, I-“

“Here is your order, sir.” The waitress had chose the worst time ever to come deliver our food and placed our situation in a stand still state. “This is our famous chocolate mudpie, and here, is the drink the both of you ordered.”

I nodded half-heartedly.

“Thank you.”

We didn’t dare look at each other.

“Here, you should try it.” I pushed the plate with the piece of mudpie on it towards her, like a peace offering.

“Ah…sure.” Obligaratory, she sliced a small edge of the cake and took a bite.

I felt the silence, weighing down on us, as palpable as a solid object. I couldn’t stand it, that invisible wall standing between us. I had to do something to break it down.

“Hyun.”

She looked up at me, curiously. One side of her hair falling over her cheeks as she tipped her head slightly to the left. “Wae?”

And just with that one word, the way she say it, all soft and childlike to me only, gave me hope that everything is still possible. And so my walls came tumbling down. “What happened to us?” I said, no louder than a whisper.

“What do you mean?”

“Exactly how you think it means.” What other way could I phrase it than just outrightly putting it under the spotlight? I didn’t dare see the look on her face and so like the coward I am, I hid my face between my folded arms.

For a while there wasn’t a sound and I started to wonder if she just left and all of this was just a dream, but then she spoke.

Her voice was so very soft and quiet, words not meant to be heard by any others, “You didn’t stop me.” Her voice broke halfway and I just had to look up. Every nerve in my body was on high end as I saw the expression she had on her face. A smile shaped like a frown on its tip and her eyes watery.

“What? What- I-I don’t-what do you mean?”

It took her a moment get the words out, “You didn’t hold on to us….” She stared at me now, tears in her eyes and something else, “We broke up and you didn’t hold on to me.”

I was shocked. It was like I just woke up from a daydream during a test, and I just found the answer to that one insanely complicated question. And so I had no reply for her, but my earnest thought, “I didn’t know you want me to hold on.”

It was right before our turn on stage at one of the music programme. The whole entourage and I were in the waiting room doing our last minute preparations. My mind was on something else, and that something else just happened to pop into our waiting room at that moment.

She was as beautiful as ever, with her newly dyed black hair and light make up on. “Annyeong,” she said. Stepping in carefully, she eyed the little expanse of the room for any trouble (e.g reporters, stranger, fans) before looking directly at me and I swore the whole room lit up when she did.

“Hey.” Despite myself, I couldn’t help but smiled as I saw her. Though with how things were going between us lately, I didn’t think I would be presented with the same greeting. But she did, she smiled and walked over to me.

“I need to talk to you.” We weren’t touching or anything but every pair of eyes were looking over at us.

I stepped back and she noticed. “Alright, sure.” I unfolded my crossed arms and spread them casually, “Let’s talk.” I was being rude, but I didn’t care. Honestly, I wanted nothing more than to see her uncomfortable right now.

“Hey, I’m just going to check out if the instruments are working alright on stage. Minhyuk, Jungshin follow me.” Jonghyun, always the smart kid, hollered out loud in the room. And so, people obediently filed out of the room.

I didn’t invite her to sit but I made myself comfortable on the couch by the wall. “So, what do you wanna talk about?” I played with the foam that had peeked through one of the cracks on the armrest of the leather couch. What fine couch, this is.

I played with the yellow foam and intended to continue doing so the whole time she speak but then she said something that I just couldn’t pretend to ignore. “What?” My whole body had turned frigid as I turned my head slightly, just enough to see her through the corner of my eye.

She looked normal, like the words she were speaking weren’t hers and that she was totally unaffected by it’s underlying meaning: everything’s over.

“We have to break up.”

Have to.

I stood up. I had to or I might just let it all pass by like the wind and it would all be over before I even realize it was truly happening. I grabbed her by her shoulders, “Are you being serious?” My hands tightened, I needed something solid to ground me at this point.

“……someone had apparently caught us that night and took pictures and they want to publish it. The company had to pay a lot of money to get the rights for those pictures and President Lee Soo Man asked me about it and I told him, and her said we have to break up for our own good. Our image. Or else, if the same thing happens again, we………………..” She kept rambling on and on. We were so close that I could feel her breath on my neck and all I want was for her to shut up then. Just shut up and look at me.

I squeezed her shoulders and she stopped talking and stared up at me. We were both silent and we waited. I kept expecting someone to barge in and so this whole conversation would be postpone until……until never. But nothing. Nobody came.

“Do you want to?” I whispered. My breath intermingled with hers as our foreheads touched. Everything was stripped bare now, my earlier frustration with our situation. The accumulated anger towards her. How we left everything the last time……gone.

All that matters was her answer.  Like so many other things, I was riding on yes or no.

“I don’t know.”

I pushed her away. Before I slammed the door, I said: “Alright, goodbye.”

“Hyun, I-“ I tried reaching out my hand to hers but she swiftly took it away before I could. Her face was expressionless, all the mixed up palette of emotions from just now gone in a blink of an eyes. And that made me angry.

I was furious for absolutely no reason at all, except that she had once again left me broken while she was totally fine and unaffected. This always seemed to be the case with us and that realization had me seeing red. I wanted to hurt her, anything at all, just to show her that I for once had the ability to be the one to do the hurting.

I laughed, cold and cruel. “Ha, you almost had me fool.”

She was staring at me now, with an incredulous expression on her face.

I leaned forward on my elbow and stretched out my hand, “You missed a spot.” I wiped the lingering tears that was on the tip of her chin. Leaning back, I reminded myself to keep the smile pasted on my face as I took a sip of my drink.

I didn’t even noticed what I was drinking before I felt it burning and scorching as it went down my throat. “Liqour?” I couldn’t stopped the surprise tone from leaking into my voice when I raised the glass and stared questioningly at her.  ‘Seo Joo Hyun’ and ‘beer’ was two things that I would’ve never use in a same sentence or in the same thought for that matter.

“You’re not the only who changed, oppa.” She said in a menacing tone, but I could hear the small crack in her voice as she did. She was forcing herself. She was trying to beat me at my game.

I placed the glass back down on the table with a loud ‘thud’. “No, no, I’m pretty sure you didn’t.” I smirked. “You’re still the same heartless person you were before.”

I hurt her. She’s going to cry.

That only fuel me more. For me to say everything right here, right now, once and for all. “I was always the first one to ask about you. You were never interested in calling me. I was going crazy over you, but you never seemed to notice. It was always just me. I was always the person chasing your shadow. I was just worth to you!

And when the end came, you weren’t even sad to leave. While I was left heartbroken, you when on to being yourself.” My voice didn’t sound like mine. Hoarse and ugly. I had shouted it all out and I didn’t even noticed until I realized I couldn’t anymore. “I was always the one that love you more than you love me…………”

After that was done, I felt my whole body loosened. All the muscles in my body seemed to melt away as I leaned back on the chair and shaded my closed eyes with my hand just above my eyebrow.

All she had to do was leave now.

It was done.

She stood up. The sound of metal scratching against wood an ugly screech that hurt my ear. But she didn’t left just like that. Of course, surely, she would have to retaliate.

“I’m sorry then, oppa.” I couldn't imagine a suitable expression of hers that would matched the tone of my voice then, so I had to open my eyes and look. There were tear streaks on her cheeks and the smile on her face looked forced, like its going to crumple the next time I’m not looking. She wiped away her tear and laughed a broken laugh, “I’m sorry that it didn’t meant the same thing for me that it meant to you.”

Damn, that hit a spot….

She left quickly after that. The doorbell made a bright sound as the door closed shut.

I grabbed the glass of beer and drank a big gulp.

She remembered.

Ha.

What are the chances of that.

That night everything changed for us.

“It’s safer here.” She said and our eyes briefly connected and I felt something ‘pop’ like a inflated balloon and a pin deep down inside of me.

She knew. She knew what all this means.

What she meant to me.

“Hey,” I called out to her. That one figure sitting on the edge of the short boardwalk, with the moonlight casting a shadow of her body behind her. I sat on her shadow.

I suddenly had this wild impulse to laugh out loud. And I couldn’t help it.

“What’s so funny?” She turned back around to look at me with one eyebrow raised and a small frown on her lips.

I wiped the idiotic grin on my face and tried out a casual smirk on my face. I knew I failed when I saw her blowed up cheeks as she tried to suppress her laughter. “What?” I frowned.

“You’re doing somethin weird with your face.” She laughed. And something about the way she did was just so attractive that I couldn’t help but just stared. Dumbly, jaw slacked and everything.

Her head was thrown back and the black arch of her smile was visible from her profile, carefree and simple. Her eyes were close, the corners curving upwards like her lips. All of this, adding on to the beautiful star-filled sky above us, cause me to let those words slipped through my lips. “Thank you.”

She stopped laughing completely. And turned more to the side to look at me. “What for?” Her eyes were mimicking the stars in the way that it twinkles as formed the words.

I felt myself blushing as the word 'idiot' keeps repeating itself in my head. I stood up and brushed my hands on the back of my pants, I walked back towards our mat and the basket placed there. All the while, her eyes were burning a hold at the back of my head as I grabbed the small wool blanket that I brought along for this trip.

"Yah, stop staring at me like that." I gently guided her face in the opposite direction so that she looked at the river instead of at me. I crouched down to sit, my actions slow enough for her to push me away, but she didn't. Slowly, I s my arms out to wrap it around her and still she didn't stop me. What the heck! I pulled her towards me, my arms a cage around her torso as she sat in the small between my legs. 

With both our legs dangling on the edge, both of mine on the outside while both hers between mine, she cautiously leaned back. I felt her body loosened as she slowly got used to the idea of my chest against her back. It was comfortable and nerve-wracking at the same time with her so close to me and warm, ever so warm with the blanket draped around us. 

"Oppa...."

"Wae?" 

She turned around to face me and I looked down to stare into her eyes. "Why did you say thank you just now?" 

"Yah, do you promise not to laugh?" 

"Sure." 

I squeezed her gently and nudged her on her shoulder to indicate her to turn back around. I was beyond red by now, my cheeks literally burning as I interwined our fingers. I raised our entangled hands in the air and supported my head on her shoulder. "For this." 

"Thank you, for this," I shaked our hands in the air to emphasize on 'this'. "to mean the same thing to you that it means for me." 

And then we kissed. 

As my brain reenacted that night's memory from so many years ago, I felt something wet on my cheeks. "Aw, !" I threw the stupid glass in my hand and listened for the breaking sound. 

Ha, what am I doing?

Stupid dip...

I felt something vibrating in my pocket. It was my cellphone. I pulled it out with no intention to actually see the notification it had for me. "Ha! For it to mean the same thing to you that-what am I doing? Poetry? Stupid idiot I am...." I stopped my mumbling as I saw the word 'Hyun' blinking on my screen.

Immediately, I slide across the screen lock on my phone as clicked on the message icon. It was a message from Hyun. 

Because it meant much more to me. 

It took a second for me to process what it meant, and another for me to reach the door to go chase after her. 

"!" 

Next chapter: FINAL~