After that night it seemed, my mind had decided to solely hunger for her. Seo Joo Hyun. It was like a craving, thinking of her and our past memories together whenever I could, like a seven year old boy’s obsession with ice cream. I didn’t stopped going back to that night or more specifically, that face, the expression she had on under all the light. Staring down at me with emotions shown so clearly that it couldn’t be possible that I was imagining the whole thing. Hurt, Pain, Anger…..so painstakingly real on her face, that it cut of her remaining option: concealing.

I smirked at the thought. She was always so good at doing exactly that. Hiding her emotions like it was second nature under an invisible mask. It had took more than a few months to finally get to it and of convincing her to get rid of it. Or, at least when she’s with me. It took another month to muster enough courage to hold her hand.

If it was any other person, it probably wouldn’t take so long to get use to your own boyfriend but since it was Seohyun, the rules bend. A close friend who knew about the relationship had once asked if that situation with her was bothersome and I had truly thought the question over. Honestly, any girlfriend who is that resilient to skinship or displays of affection to her boyfriend would be surely troublesome. But when I thought about the person concerned with this question, my answer came out entirely different.

“Sweet burden then, I guess.” I held the bottle of beer to my lips and drank.

The door creaked opened and I was instantly snapped out of my revelry of the past. I looked over the back of the leather chair I was in to look at Jonghyun standing by the door. “Yo.”

“Hey.” He didn’t make a move to get closer. Just stand there, head clamped between the door and the wall, watching me.

“What?” I sighed. He always act like this, wishy-washy and girlishly shy, when he’s uncomfortable about what he wanted to say or do.

“What?” He had on an innocent face. Heck, like that would work. “Nothing.”

“C’mon, spit it out already!” I turned my neck around so that I’m facing the computer’s blinding glare one more. My neck was starting to hurt. “You’re gonna say it sooner or later.”

I didn’t hear any sound by the door so I assumed he left, too tortured by his own guilt to even pop the question that we all know was going to come out sooner or later. Seemingly the former, as I noticed something shadowing me, casting enlongated shades on the table.

He stood beside the chair, his arm across the top as he started with a sigh, “Hyung, is something wrong?”

“No.”

“You looked stress out and-“

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“There must be something wrong, or else you wouldn’t have ask to sleepover tonight. Come on, just tell me.”

“Can’t I just want to stay over for the night?” I stood up from the chair abruptly like a fighter getting up to position. My voice came out more harsh than I meant it to. “Do I have to be having a mid-life crisis to want to stay over at your place? Or am I just not welcome?” The last part I knew was a lie. Jonghyun would never deny us entrance to his apartment whenever at all. After we each move out, individually getting our own place, albeit at our own pace- Minhyuk was the last two to move out, followed by Jungshin Chingu- Jonghyun had offered his home to be our band’s regrouping spot.

Hurt was clear on his face even as his voice came out in the same volume and light intensity, “You know you should. It would be better if you did.” With that said, we stared at each other for a few second. I didn’t know whether my ‘sorry’s had gotten through to him through my eyes or not, but either way he left with another manly sigh.

Before the door shut completely, I shed the contempt in my voice and said softly, “I know you’re right. And you know I know I’m a stupid butthead.” I could almost feel the smile as the door shut with a small click.

I leaned my head back against the  chair and closed my eyes. Just this once more, I thought to myself, for the sake of my sanity. I tried remembering the past again and that smile.

We were in that awkward stage between trying to stay friends and both being to scare to do anything otherwise. She was stress out lately- that I knew through constant messaging her and of course, the occasional internet stalking strategy- and I did my best to sound innocent as I invited her to go fishing with me as a cure to release her stress. She had agreed.

It took a bus ride and a few detours with a cab to reach our destination. A small pond/puddle that one of my friends told me about just about the outskirts of the city. All the while into the ride there, I was trying to figure out what she was thinking when she accepted this offer to an almost-after-midnight and not-sure-when-be-back sort of trip. With me. Alone. The two of us.

Damn.

I didn’t know what all this meant to her. Her, agreeing to come along with me to go night fishing in god-knows-where, alone. But I sure as hell didn’t have enough logic going through my brain right now with the way she was looking at me. Even while holding a plastic ziplock bag and sitting on a checkered red and white mat with a lot of grass and still pond/puddle as a background, she still looked breathtaking.

“Guess what I brought?” She held the bag and wave it in the air like it was a prize to be won. There was an excited smile on her face.

I decided to entertain her. “What?”

“Dried apples!” She announced loudly. The smile widened into a grin and her hair fell from behind her ears as the wind blow.

“Yay.” I said softly. Lacking the enthusiam that she would expect. I lifted my hand, “Hey,” and leaned forward. “you got something….” I tucked the strands of hair away as  un-awkwardly as possible. God, this is cheesy!

She didn’t say anything but I’m sure she was embarassed. She only gathered up her sling back and inched backwards on the mat. Instinctly, I moved to get closer to her.

“Why are you backing away from me?” I laughed.

“It’s safer here.” She whispered. Her eyes briefly connected with mine and I felt something go ‘BOOM’ inside of me.

That was all I need to know. She knew. She knew what all this mean. Tonight is the game changer.

I woke up in an instant when the dream or whatever ended. It was confirmed that it was a dream when I felt the pulsing pain on my neck from straining my neck in an uncompromising angle while in my unconscious state. But even now as I tried my best to blink back the sleepiness in my eyes, I couldn’t. I was drained both emotionally and physically.

Before my mind could lure me back to slumber, I d for my cellphone on the table with my eyes close. Too fragile and delicate at the current state to be exposed to any type of light. “Damnnn-“ I found it. Adjusting it so that it fits familiarly in my palm, I slided my thumb across the screen lock.

Typed in a few words that I surely regret tommorow.

Hesitated a second-what the heck- and I pressed the sent button!

Embraced that stupidity and courage were part of my many virtues for the next second.

And then, I died.