I shouldn't have watched.

They say curiosity kills the cat and they were right. There was riot on the floor below from where I was standing. A riot within a riot, that thought helped aroused my curiosity. As I took a few steps forward to get a better look from the sides, Yoona blocked my path with a nervous smile on her face. She was nervous, it was obvious from the way her hands were placed on her thigh and the unusual way she was smilling like someone literally had to pin the tips of her lips skyward for it to look that way. It was some of the few tell tale signs she unconsiously shows when she's nervous, something I picked up from the years we lived together. Lived.

"Where are you going?" She asked innocently enough. Not for a second did she let go of the smile.

"I wanna see what's the fuss about." I side-stepped her but quick as a fox, she stood in front of me and started blocking my path. With her arms raised like a basketball player on defense, the situation who've been funny if I didn't catch the urgent look in her eyes. That was the problem, when you know someone, like really know this person, its hard to hide even the tiniest flicks or kicks.

"I need to use the toilet, come with-"

Without meaning to, I started walking off before she even completed her sentence. The invisible pull to find out what was happening was too strong, especially after seeing how Yoona unnie's reaction afterwards. As my eyes shot down to the space below me all I could was the huge mass of people around the dance floor, a few black globs on the multicolour floor. And then my eyes came into contact with the circle of people standing around the wine bar. After that it was easy to spot out the person that had caused the whole thing.

A small gasp left my mouth as I leaned forward, the glass panes currently the only thing stopping me from falling head first to the first floor. That definitely wouldn’t catch people’s attention. Without realizing it, my grip on the metal handrailing tightened, my knuckles whitening. What? What is this?

Before my brain could even registered his name or identity, the feeling that were sealed tight had already leaked out. Slowly but surely. A deep and old part of me had started stirring. The part which had already been put to slumber years ago. And after his name, the colour of his eyes, the number of sibling that he had and the rest had finally clicked in my head, it had already been confirmed the profound importance this person had over my emotions. I was already a jar filled to the brim with a bunch of them.

Mainly, anger, jealousy, bitterness and something else.

I must've been dreaming because for a split second, I thought he actually saw me. His eyes seems to be searching for something and when it landed on mind, it stopped its search. I didn't know what to think. What is he looking at? What expression am I wearing right now as he watch me?

Was it possible to feel alone while you’re in a sea of millions? Because that’s how I feel right now. Just the two of us existed and no one else. As our eyes connected so briefly, I felt an irrational fear that he could read my mind and know all the things currently going through my head. All my hidden emotions floating to the surface of my face, on my expression or just plainly written in my eyes.

But if he did, he didn’t show it. Instead, he stared with his mouth open, he neck inclined upwards in an awkward angle. I wasn’t even sure if he could make out my face with all the lights shinning down, attached to the ceiling. But that didn’t seemed to bother him at all. We just continued staring. And I feel fear and excitement at the chances of people looking up and noticing our little exchanges.

From my peripheral, I saw a girl inching closer to him. Not just any girl but the girl he was kissing earlier, and that’s when I snapped back to reality. I tried to keep my face straight when I turned around, pushing all the messed up things to the back of my mind for a minute. I needed to do this.

“Hyunnie, you alright?” Taeyeon unnie’s voice came out soft and quiet, like the tone mother’s would use before they break a bad news.

No, I am not. “Yes, why wouldn’t I be.” I squeezed out a smile, hopefully the look I am wearing mirrors the one before.

“Did you see-“ Sooyoung unnie had started to say something but was nudged by an elbow. She let the question go unanswered then, “Nothing.”

I had to get out. Anywhere. Just not here.

“I’m just going to walk around for a bit.” I said after a quiet pause, feigning a casual laugh. “I think I had too much to drink already.”

I didn’t had one drop of beer yet tonight.

Before they could replied, I’d already sneaked towards the back entrance. My face impassive. A dull ache in my chest.  

The door creaked shut as I pushed my entire weight against it. The coldness from the steel door start seeping through the layers of cloth I had on, effectively waking me up from the blur I was in. I looked around my surrounding. Dusty and dirty. Mountains of empty boxes piled up against the wall. Somehow without my own consent, my legs had led me to the place that I desperately needed. Somewhere far away from concern eyes and more importantly from him. With the distance now safely between us, I can finally breathe.

Why?

Why here?

Well. Because this is a club. And we live in a free country. 

But how did he find me? 

Why did he stared at me like that? 

And slowly as my thoughts progresses, I remember the kiss. They way he had his arms around the girl, on her hips, like he knew her for quite a while. Like they did this all the time. And that he didn't mind showing off the affection to the world. Definitely different from how we used to be. Careful and in hidding all the time. Never enough time or places to go to- 

The door suddenly opened. And as I watched bug-eyed at the dark figure, a mop of dark hair popped out. The rest of the person couldn't be seen and for a second there, I contemplated my chances of escaping. Little close to no chance at all. So, I stood there and waited for the person's next move. Like in the horror films, where the dumb girl that continues to hesitate running while the audiences in front of the screen curses her to just do it. 

"Hyun."

It wasn't any murderer. It was someone much worse.

Jung Yonghwa in his entirety looked out of place standing there in the dingy doorway. He looked hesitant as he said the word, familiar and soft like he says it repeatedly everyday. He eyes scanned the expanse of the area before he landed firmly on mine. He quietly almost subtly slipped out and closed the door behind his back and all the while his eyes never left mine. 

I suddenly had the urge to put on my coat but it was left behind in the club. I wanted no needed something to cover myself up, as not to feel so, so expose. "Hi." I did something with my fingers. 

He gave me a small wave in response. His arms heavy and mechanical as it he raised it before falling back to his side with a 'thud'. "Hey." He looked around, shuffling his feet. His eyes anywhere but on mine now. "Did you-do you come here, um, often?" 

"...Sometimes. Not really." It was a simple enough question but my reply came out sounding more like a question than an answer. After that we lapse back into silence. I mimicked him and kept my head low, trying to look interested in examining my mary-janes. I steal a few glances here and there to get a good look of him now that we are in a close distance. 

His hair was back to black now, cut short to almost above his ear. It was styled in a messy look, like he had just wake up from bed or maybe he just run his fingers through it a few time. I like it. 

As I realized what I just said, I frozed. How shameful, he already has a girlfriend. What in the world am I thinking? He has a girlfriend, a girl who he willingly kisses in front of a crowd. Someone he wrap his arms around and smiles at. I feel a dust bunny getting stuck in my throat. And stones piled up at the pit of my stomach. 

"I like your hairband." He said all of a sudden. 

I was distracted with my grey thoughts. "Oh yea, sure. I like you too."  I turned around so fast I was around my neck would break. "I mean, I like your, um, h-hair." Oh my god, what am I saying? 

He didn't even flinch. Instead, he look less nervous and awkward now and there was a wicked smirk on his face that makes me want to slap him. "Hmm." He looked satisfied somehow and calm, like a monk. I tried picturing him bald, without his supermodel-ready-hair and that manages to calm me down a bit.

"So, what are you-" I started but was cut off.

"Look that girl back there, I had nothing to do with her." He started shouting, the volume of his voice now two times louder than before. Words were tumbling out from his mouth in a rush like he was afraid that he wouldn't get another chance to say them if not now. "I never met here before, really.You got to believe me." He looked desperate to convince me of his words, the hands coming out to exaggerate, emphasize his point.

"Why are you telling me this?" I don't think my legs can hold me up any longer. I suddenly feel immensely tired. Exhausted. I crouch forward with my knees bent and the sole of one shoes placed on the wall behind me.

He didn't know the answer to that. His eyebrows scrunched together and his jaw tightened, but just as he was about to say it, I raced him to it.

"Because you think I care." I put on a cynical tone. He blinked.

Before anything else, I turned around with my back facing him. While we were in silent mode, I had noticed a small escape through the wire fence on my left that led to the normal streets outside the club. I swiftly opened the lock, my fingers shaking. "You're wrong." 

I ran this time. Just throwing back my thoughts and ran. 

I didn't look back and he didn't follow.