...in which life equals death

Hoya/Sunggyu

4000 words

dedicated to naznew

  "My love,   It has been long since these hands grabbed a pen to scramble down some words for you. I'm sorry I kept you waiting. The weather has gotten colder since I last wrote you a letter, I hope you're dressing warmly! But if I remember it well, you have always liked winter, haven't you?   Those little snowflakes lazily falling from the sky; we were always trying to catch them in our mouths, remember? You would always tell me not to do it because I was so clumsy I could trip over my own feet if I didn't look.I usually tripped, though. You tend to have truth on your side, don't you?   But you would always lay beside me in the snow and hold my hand. I wish we could go out and play again, and I hope you're coming to visit me sometime. I miss you.   It's so different from before. I remember how we would always go everywhere together and you wouldn't let go of me; you would always have your arm around my shoulder or my waist and we would walk wherever our legs took us. I wish we could return to those times.Why has it come down to this? I still ask myself, but perhaps the answer is very well hidden. But they say if you keep searching, you'll find what you're looking for. Perhaps we both should be looking for the reason why, because perhaps the fault is on both sides.   I still remember the day I met you; it was also in winter and the first thing I learned about you was that exact fact of how much you've loved that season. You were that kind stranger everyone is bound to meet one day.   I guess I was just lucky to meet you, because if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here today, writing these lines."     The frost on the railing was burning his palms as he gripped it tight and looked over. Despite having fear of heights, he felt nothing when he looked down; it was actually quite the opposite. He felt that freedom he had been seeking for so long was finally one step away. One step and he'd be freed of it all. No more stress, no more judging looks, no more life.   A harsh gust of freezing wind hit him in the face; he enjoyed the stinging sensation it evoked on his cheeks because for the first time in his life he felt he had control over his actions. Ever since his seventh birthday, his life had been lined and he hated that someone else had wanted to control his life. He hated that he had never experienced the difficulty of making decisions because they had been made for him before he even knew he'd have to make them. And so as he sat on the railing that separated the rooftop of the hospital his mother was just resting in and the thin air, he took in a breath and took a while admiring the shapes of the city he hated.   "Enjoying the silence?"He jerked a bit, he couldn't deny the sudden intrusion got him scared a little. He turned around and saw a male; he could have been around the same age as him, perhaps a little shorter, but nothing too bold. The man possessed a handsome face, he had to admit; but what confused him was the man's uniform from which it was apparent that he was an employee in that hospital. Presumably, a nurse.   "You could say so." he replied coldly, turning around again, watching the clouds gather above the city."It's going to snow soon." the man stated as he shifted closer, leaning his elbows on the railing. "Do you like winter?" he asked then.   He watched the man in utter confusion, because that was not something you would ask someone who was just about to put an end to everything. And yet there he was, staring off at the sky and waiting for the first snowflakes to descend as if it was the most normal situation he had ever been in.   He sighed and watched his breath disappear into the air. "I don't necessarily hate it." he answered.   The man smiled, not moving one bit. "That's good."   "Why?"   "If you don't hate it, isn't it one of the reasons you shouldn't jump? You like something up here, everyone does. For me it's winter; you know, I could stop the time and live this season forever, I wouldn't mind. Somehow the cold always manages to put my mind to ease." he explained. "What do you like? Can be anything."   He stared at the man in awe. It was so strange how he could talk to a complete stranger so easily and not being nervous at all. Somehow, the man's question made him think about it; almost reconsider his decision. What did he like in the world? He couldn't think of one simple thing he would like or look forward to. What he felt, it was all numb; nothing was right any more, everything had lost its colour for him.   "Can't think of anything." he admitted after a while, sighing yet again.   "I'm sure there is something." the man replied calmly."Perhaps..." he mused. "It's not like it matters, is it?"   "Of course it matters." He didn't answer. He kept his tongue inside his mouth and watched the life running. He could almost feel it as it was slipping through his fingers like water. "You can stop trying, you know?" he said then, chuckling bitterly.   "I'm not going to stop you if you think that's what I'm up to." the man replied. "I like coming up here to relax and I saw you here, that's all. If you want to end it, go ahead, because I'm just having a chat."   He could feel a lump forming in the back of his throat and tears welling up in his eyes all of a sudden. He didn't even know why; it was rather rare for him to cry so why right there and then? Somehow the man's words just deepened the hole in his heart, but he didn't know why. He shouldn't care any more, he was there to end it and all he was supposed to feel was the cold eating up his bare hands. Nothing else. He should look forward to the never-ending darkness that was just one step away from him and not be scared of jumping into it.   He hated himself and the world and he was sure the world hated him as well, so why it was that a few moments before he'd get it over with that man came and messed with his head? Why it was that he was reconsidering whether to end it or not?   "Well then..." the man exhaled as he stood up straight again. "It was nice talking to you." he smiled and started to walk away.   He watched the man's retreating figure in horror; he knew he shouldn't be so affected by him, yet sadly enough he was. Suddenly, the idea of putting an end to everything didn't seem so great. Perhaps there still was a chance of him having a new life ahead, of a possibility to start anew. And so he turned around on the railing and his feet landed safely on the ground of the rooftop. "Wait." he blurted, watching as the man halted his steps upon hearing him.   "Yes?" he asked casually, looking at him over his shoulder.   "I don't know your name." he said, avoiding the man's piercing eyes.   The man chuckled. "Well," he clicked his tongue, "Why don't we discuss that over a nice cup of coffee?" he suggested with a smile.   His smile grew only wider in satisfaction when he saw the other, who would've been on the other side by then if he hadn't come to the picture, trailing behind him shyly. He had just saved a life and the feeling was awesome.     "The coffee wasn't as nice as you had promised, though. The way you reacted when I told you I don't put sugar in after you had put it in was absolutely adorable; even now my cheeks hurt because I'm grinning like a fool at that memory.   You know, even when it might have not looked like it, I always have been and will be grateful for that day. I wonder what it's like to save a life, must feel wonderful. Perhaps I'll be given a chance to save someone as well in the future. Perhaps you'd like to tell me how you felt back then, so I'd have something to look forward to. I think that even back then you must have sensed how slightly affectionate I had become with you. Ever since the beginning you knew. You knew and you still betrayed me. I have loved you so much and I still do and it hurts, you know? Because you didn't want me any more; had I been too much of a burden for you that you searched for love elsewhere? I suppose I'll never know.   I can't deny we had a nice relationship, though, can I? My hands still tremble when I recall how nervous I was when I confessed to you. I was so scared that you would say no and send me away. I was so scared and so in love that you saved my life for the second time when you accepted me. Perhaps that is also a reason why my love for you has not died just yet. Perhaps it never will and I'll die with you as the last thought flying through my mind.   If I