Am I stupid?

Of course I am.

Tonight, for the first time of my life, I cried because of the huge pain in my heart.

I did wrong… please forgive me… but please, understand me.

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Our plan was simple.

Acting lovey dovey and in love in front of everyone and wait for Jonghyun to be angry… if he will ever be.

But it was more complicated to say than to do.

It felt so… awkward between me and Onew for some days before we could finally talk back to each other’s.

Eun Mi and I were finishing the dance practice and the next to use the room will be SHINee so it was a great opportunity to talk. Of course we talked with Onew but only with text messages and it were only about what happened in the practice room when they left us… Jonghyun and I.

He was surprised when I told him everything he said to me because yeah I still remember after 3 days and will remember his words all my life.

His behavior changed me a lot and I decided to put my love for the mean Jonghyun somewhere far and deep in my heart. Maybe with the time it will disappear or it will come back again… who knows?

For the moment I had an objective to complete because I was still angry and sad.

Maybe in a near future, I will regret my childish act but for the moment, even though I know it’s stupid, nobody can stop me, not Eun Mi because she doesn’t know a thing about what happened for 3 days, not Onew… even though he was the one deciding to help me which was weird. Jonghyun is his friend for so long and he decides to help me making him angry. I thought of it a lot and maybe he is more than happy helping me because he is a leader and Jonghyun’s Hyung so he has to teach him a lesson and makes him apologize for the rude words he used to me?

I don’t really know. I’m just glad someone wants to help me.

Well, when I think of it twice, maybe this plan will be a huge failure since: Why would Jonghyun be even angry if I go out with his Hyung? Or even jealous?

He seems loathing me more than liking me.

Onew said that it was his pride that will make him angry and he promised me that Jonghyun will go hard with me but at least, it will show that he still cares for me.

But if he doesn’t react even once… it means that he never did loved me…

But do I really mind if he cares? He told those words and he gave me the impression of not knowing me at all so how can he even love me?

I was hurt when Onew told me the possibility of Jonghyun not loving me anymore but the truth is even more painful.

Did he even see me like Tsuki and not a weird fan for even a minute?

“I’m sure Jonghyun had a reason to tell you this Tsuki-yah! You’re sure you won’t regret it to act like this?” Onew sent me before the practice and I still didn’t answer.

Maybe because I have no time… Maybe because I have no answer to tell for the moment.

I’m far too lost in my anger to stop right now anyway.

Even if it won’t do a thing to him, I want to show to his arrogant self that he is not the one that can turn the page of our relation in a day, I can too, and I will.

The music stopped and the trainer told us that we can go for today and at this moment, SHINee entered.

I was panting and I was sticky but Onew came nevertheless and hugged me.

-My message… he whispered and I smile.

Was he waiting for an answer for so long?

-The only reason obvious to me is hurting me and it did work. He might not think a single word of what he told but he knew too well that it will affect me… So I won’t regret anything as long as he doesn’t. He played with my heart Jin Ki-yah, more than once. I want him to doubt my love as I do and to think about our relation like I did.

He sighed.

-Yah you too! Why are you hugging for so long, did you miss each other that badly? Hyung, doesn’t she smell?

I let go of Onew.

-Sorry. I whispered and he just smiles at me.

-Kibum-ah, my Tsuki smells sooo good! Don’t be jealous! And yeah, I did miss her, and then he turned to me with a huge smile, and you Tsuki, did you miss me too?

I nodded.

-Of course Jin Ki-yah!

Eun Mi who was still in the room chocked in the water she was drinking.

-Tsuki! Onew sunbae is our sunbae; you can’t possibly call him with his real name! If the manager…

-Don’t worry! Onew cut her off. I told her to call me like that.

-Bad example! So bad! Key nagged.

I giggled.

-Key sunbae, don’t worry, I’m not going to do it with you; it’s only for Jin Ki Oppa.

Key suddenly frowned.

-Why are you too suddenly so close? Did we miss something? Tsuki used to speak informally only to… Jonghyun.

Awkward silence.

-Enough talking! Let’s practice instead! Minho finally saved the weird silence.

-Fighting sunbae. Tsuki, let’s go.

Eun Mi went out of the room as fast as she could. I saw her walking quickly when I felt someone’s arms in my waist.

-Can we talk later? We didn’t for quit a long time! Tsuki, let’s eat dinner tonight!

Onew was pouting and is last words were more an order than a question.

I laughed.

-Of course.

And with this word, I went out too.

When I was out and closed the door, I suddenly stopped and my hand automatically went to my heart.

Jonghyun, he didn’t flinch even once! He only turned to look at us when I call Onew Jin Ki!

We did have our dinner the same night and also the night that follows this. Every moment we have a free time; we would spend it together with Onew, talking about how Jonghyun reacted when he talked about me to him.

Well it’s more like how he didn’t react when he talked about me to him.

It seemed impossible to believe that he did love me in the past and the possibility of our plan working was inexistent for more than 2 months until…

-Stop it both Hyung, Tsuki! Key exclaimed. Are you dating or what? Always acting sooooooo in love!

Onew and I were in shock actually. We were drinking a coffee in the company’s cafeteria when Key suddenly came to us with an angry look.

SHINee’s other members following him behind.

-Look at the rumors! You had dinner again yesterday night? You said you were seeing a close friend! You’re saying this for more than a month but you’re actually having dinners with Tsuki every night! So are you dating her?

I blushed for an unknown reason when everyone looked at us… yes, even Jonghyun.

-What if we are? Onew challenged.

-Onew-ah! It’s not the right time for this! I grinned shyly. (Part of the plan I thought I would fail since my acting skills aren’t the best!)

-You’re kidding, right? Taemin asked seriously.

Onew suddenly took my hand and we stood up.

-You’re asking way too many questions! Come Tsuki-ah! Let’s practice your new song.

-Yah Hyung! Minho suddenly stopped us, holding Onew’s arm. You’re really dating here? Are you really in love with her?

I flinched... really?

Onew sighed and he seemed pissed off.

-What we are, with Tsuki, only concern us… those feelings that we kept for so long too are…

He paused… and sighed, eyeing sadly Jonghyun.

Plan success! Onew is surely the greatest actor I know. Giving doubts to everyone and stopping right in the right moment.

Everyone seemed surprised so it was the great moment to escape and made them think about this last unfinished sentence but of course our plan never work as it must work as usual!

-What do you mean by that…Hyung?

My eyes widened when we stopped walking. Thankfully, we weren’t facing them.

I sensed Onew’s holding becoming tighter on my hand.

I turned slightly and Onew gave me a warm smile, his eyes saying: “FIGHTING, you can do it!”

-He means that we were in denial for too long. I answered for Onew and witnessed Jonghyun’s eyes darkening.

I had no hope of course; he was reacting (finally) like that because of his pride.

-If you have no more questions… Onew said and smile to his brother like members.

-So… you’re dating...? Key finally asked as a conclusion.

-Yes. I said and I bowed to them.

We left them with heavy hearts, holding each other’s hand so tightly we could broke them.

Onew must be sad for lying to his “brothers” like that and I felt bad for that and because of Jonghyun’s words.

Later, we did practice our new song and don’t utter even a word about what had happened.

Onew was helping me a lot with my voice. He said it once in an interview that he will do anything to help the new rookies and when fans saw us in coffees and restaurants together; they assume “rookies’ word was actually “rookie” and stand for Tsuki. Rumors began to be spread and managers were not so happy but some fans showed their support to “us” surprisingly.

It was funny actually, people seeing us like a couple. But this rumor did really help Eun Mi and me for the group.

We were called to more interviews and talking about that, they will be a special interview for Shindong sunbae’s radio in few days and we are invited, Double XX… and SHINee as special guests!

The day was special because of SHINee and Double XX are both invited in the same radio program but also because… it will be my on birthday.

It also will be my 2^nd month without Jonghyun.

2 month without him around me… actually yes him around me but not with me.