Done by: yiling245

Your username: joanne200969

Title of story: June Falls

Story link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/49194/june-falls-khunri-kwonyuri-nichkhun-tragedy-yuri

Characters in story: Yuri, Nichkhun

Title:  4/5

I loved your one shot title! It doesn’t give away too much details of the one shot, but it is also related to the one shot on a whole. Well, the one mark deducted was because it DIDN’T give away much info, it gave too little, making the readers give the “Hmm, I don’t really care” attitude towards the one shot. However, it also interests readers and make them want to find out—Hmm, what is this one shot about? I shall check it out.

So as a whole; give yourself a pat on the shoulder! ^^

Poster: -/10

-NIL-

Description & foreword:  6/10

Okay, I have to say, the description didn’t really meet my expectations.

First thing first, why did you add this sentence-- Although it could be any season around the world, everyone enjoys it a lot.  It is unnecessary. Scratch it, or change it to something more relevant. Another thing is, don’t put an author’s note there! Ever! It’s a DESCRIPTION, not a place where you greet your readers, got it?

Next, the foreword. The foreword was generally fine; it gave the readers a good feel to what would be in the one shot. However, there’s one thing I need to point out --Yep, June.If you were writing angst in the foreword, try not to use informal language. It’ll spoil the mood somehow. So overall, the foreword was okay, keep up the good job~

Plot originality + Ending:  40/55

Truthfully, I have read quite a few stories (many actually) and one shots about a girl who has/had bad luck and then she meets/met her Prince Charming and they get together and happily ever after. I deducted the marks because of this situation here. But there was a little twist in this story, which made it much different from other stories I have read. The lead, Yuri, did NOT end up with Nichkhun in the end, like many happily ever stories I have read. The ending also linked it back to the title, June Falls, with Yuri always having the bad luck in June. When I was reading, I thought, seriously, don’t tell me the parents accept her. Luckily they didn’t and so I didn’t fail you :D

However, the ending is only a small part to the marks, so I can’t really add more marks for this.

Writing style:  11/15

There was a great display of how you describe the character’s moods. Even though I didn’t tear up, I could feel the emotions from the main characters, especially those from Yuri. I could actually place myself in her shoes, unlike other fics that I just read and feel really nothing. I could especially feel how helpless Yuri was when her father beat her up for not buying beer. That’s mostly because I thought the father’s demands were really ridiculous, but it was good; I could feel the emotions from the writing alone.

            Well, unfortunately, I spotted a couple of mistakes and that in turn resulted in the deducting of your marks. Well, most of it was verb confusions. One example is this: June was the month when my caring father turned into a abuse one.

Correct: June was the month when my caring father turned into an abusive one.

Spotted your mistakes? Good. Just take note that before vowels and the letter H, you have to use an instead of a. And the wrong form of the verb was used.

Wrong: Me and your father is coming back.

Correct:Your father and I will be coming back.

Wrong: I might have jumped into a river and drowned.

Correct: I should jump into a river and drown.

For this, it is because it is not a possibility but an option of whether to or not. But in this case, you care actually considering it. I don’t really know how to describe it, sorry. The points of views were consistent, even when you switched in between. So overall for the one flow and writing style, you have done a relatively good job.

Spelling/grammar:  2/5

There were many spelling mistakes as you did not proofread your work after doing it. A good tip for a writer would be to proofread and check through your work after you finished it. There would most likely to be many spelling errors since you are working on it on a computer or laptop. This deducted 1.5 marks.

Another thing is that there were quite a few punctuation mistakes as well. You did not put the correct punctuations, or did not put them in the first place. One example would be this: "I... I just went outside to buy some food..." Said Yuri slowly holding up a plastic bag of vegetables.

Correct: “I… I just went outside to buy some food…” Said Yuri, slowly holding up a plastic bag filled with vegetables.

You forgot the comma. Also, plastic bag of vegetables sounds really awkward. There are quite a few more so I won’t list them out because they have similar mistakes. Because of this, I deducted another 1.5 marks.

Extra: 8/10

This part was to make up for the poster. This was graded based on how you wrote your story, how interesting and enjoyable was it. I enjoyed it very much so an eight! :D

Total marks:  71/100

Thanks for the one shot! I enjoyed it a lot. A decent piece of work. Keep it up ~