Seungho sneered.

The air which filled his throat created sounds as it left its cavity. Laughter held his body hostage. His grip tightened on the small device glued to his ear. He applied pressure on his stomach to regain normal breathing function. His arm muscles went rogue as Seungho started waving his hand while clutching at his mobile phone. If he hadn’t been alone, he would have been labeled as insane. Somehow, Sang Hyun’s call triggered dormant memories.

Seungho remembered as if it was yesterday when he woke up from a sappy nightmare. It sounded outrageous back then. During army, he found out the adjacent terms explained his experience. The doze of realism on the field made dreams he had relived during outcast nights futile. As the designed leader, he was the one to set an example. He did not believe in using his midnight adventures as an ideal. He had felt heavier than ever before that particular day, which wholeheartedly explained his later distress. What amazed Seungho during his post-nightmare state was Byung Hee’s figure at the front door. His face came into light once Byung Hee realized he wasn’t alone in the lukewarm dorm. Seungho found the other shabby looking. Byung Hee promised him before not to abuse his right of evening strolls around Seoul clubs. It was something Seung couldn’t entirely comprehend as social duty worked different for him. Maybe that’s why his position was that of a ruler and a judge, not of a follower. He had no time to clean after somebody’s mistake and make it sparkle of innocence. Byung Hee’s shirt wasn’t tucked in and buttoned. Seungho mentally compared his hair to that of a bird’s nest. He tried to question Byung Hee’s appearance. He received a sheepish grin from the intoxicated fellow who offered himself a glass of water. Seungho took that chance of better examining Byung Hee. He couldn’t find traces of alcohol, but he did pick up the stench of cigarettes. Seungho guessed the club was abundant in smoke which didn’t worry the leader too much. He was deeply preoccupied with Byung Hee’s condition the day after, rather than the immediate effects. He was distracted too and his eyes disturbed Seungho.

He jokingly accused Byung Hee of injecting other substances for a dose of adrenaline. That finally snapped Byung Hee out of his reverie and he denied all allegations. He swore he had done nothing wrong and the only crime he should be punished for was that of hanging around with an amazing woman who he could never see the same from that moment on.  Seungho wasn’t surprised. Knowing very well the man’s history and association with women of all kind, it didn’t come to him as a surprise. He wouldn’t call Byung Hee a modern Don Juan; he just enjoyed a woman’s presence and feminine touch. It was fairly acceptable within their group and highly respected as a personal matter, unless it somehow broke their long-established bond. It was also strange how they kept their friend with his feet on the ground and made sure his dates would amplify his creative nature rather than restrain it. The same concept applied to all band members.

Seungho resigned and let the love struck one get some sleep before the official breakdown. He had trouble tempering his curiosity. He wanted to find out whom was he speaking about. Byung Hee didn’t show any interest in maintaining a long lasting relationship ever since they started the band. Their packed schedule would not allow them such freedom. Also, both of them knew military was just around the corner. Seungho personally wished to come back healthier than ever before and establish a family. His idol life might had something against it, so he kept on dreaming about it in the little corners of his room while surfing the internet or during sleepless van rides to various events. Byung Hee on the other hand clung to his independence while still yearning for some affection. It had been like that since he last took the courage to share his thoughts with somebody of the opposite . Small flirts here and there were common.

Byung Hee would never jump the line. He often articulated to Seungho how he believed love should come first and friendship second – he wanted to spend passionate days with the one that animated him, then he’d know they would gradually take it easier. At that stage, he imagined them changing from lovers to close friends and fall in love again and again, all in a continuous circle until one could no longer continue. Byung Hee also expressed his fear of leaving early because he wasn’t selfish enough to let his loved one suffer in solitude without his comforting embrace. Instead, he wished to take all her pain and live on his last days to keep her memory intact, while she slept and sometimes crept in his dreams.

Seungho never enjoyed those chit-chats. He refused to temper with Lady Luck. Then again, Byung Hee’s drunken phrases were a more efficient and calmer method of dealing with a character that perplexed Seungho. Byung Hee was a hard puzzle to complete and it took some amount of solid work for anybody to really know him. Chang Sun was so sincere, Seungho could figure out sometimes what was chewing his heart. Byung Hee on the other hand remained a cold statue in front of raging waves crushing against stone shores. Seungho wasn’t the type to meddle in someone’s private affairs. It was different in Byung Hee’s case. Seungho’s instinct told him to protect the fellow and throw in an advice or two when necessary. Seungho wasn’t sure back then what to acknowledge – should he observe from the distance as Byung Hee’s life continued and step in when in need or should he further trust Byung Hee’s capacity? He chose the first option and silenced his opinions for almost a year. Then, news exploded.

“I cheated on her”

“She knows”

Seungho took sides when he punched Byung Hee’s face. After so many months of being held in confinement, Byung Hee had to ruin everything they built together. Byung Hee felt sincerely guilty and countless times tried to remedy the situation. If only he had wrongly done the deed with someone less known than a fellow musician. Journalists caught the stream of gossip and hungrily flashed the information everywhere.

Seungho found Byung Hee laughing alone while holding a bottle of wine. He started crying afterwards. Seungho saw men crying before and he had seen Byung Hee shed tears before. Yet, he had never seen Byung Hee, or any man, cry like that. He could swear those were not tears, but blood washed with grief which exited the body in the form of a clear liquid. He repeatedly told Seungho that he only kissed the female artist once, he slipped once and it cost him everything, how he didn’t care for his image and only wanted her back. Seungho found himself enjoying their idle chats, but he doubted Byung Hee really had any other true love than music. It was something he again couldn’t understand when it came from Byung Hee. What shocked him mostly was Byung Hee’s final confession.

“It’s Chaerin... I love Chaerin”

Could he really use that word so easily? It was a hard pill to swallow.

Seungho took a moment to breathe before facing the empty walls with a mixed sensation. Remembering wasn’t funny anymore.

♥

The following morning, after Sang Hyun’s call, Seungho watched expressionless Byung Hee’s sinking shoulders.

Instead of judging him, instead of telling him lies of a better tomorrow, instead of inquiring how he had ended up with that war souvenir on his cheek, Seungho hugged his friend and let go quickly afterwards. He smacked him over the arm and frowned.

“What are you waiting for? Go after her!”

“I can’t...”

“You want to see her, don’t you?”

“I do...”

“Then...?”

“The price is big...”

“So? You’ve risked everything so far. Why stop now?”

Byung Hee looked at the keys Seungho handed him. He returned them and sketched a half smile. He refused to drive all the way there.

“I need to see someone first”

“He’s waiting for you too”

Tranquility both of them before Byung Hee exhaled deeply and gave Seungho a genuine warm smile.

“Thank you”