Chapter 7: I’m fine the way I am

Song: It’s okay

Artist: Raina

Narration: Kaeun

This is it…this is the end…I just…

I still can’t believe it….I guess none can.

After the final rankings, everyone seems…lethargic? It’s as if everyone has fallen into a profound dream… [Chuckles] or a nightmare depending on what place you’ve received at the end.

For twelve girls, everything might feel like a beautiful dream, where their most desired wish actually came true…to debut.

However for the rest of the girls, everything felt as if they were trapped in a nightmare…one that they wished to wake up from. Especially us, the remaining eight….the ones that got so close to be in the final twelve that we could almost taste it.

For us, the whole process felt like it was passing in slow motion and yet it also felt like everything was coming to an end really…really fast.

“My narrowing shoulders, my shrunken heart

My narrowed line of vision, I’ve become timid

My words have decreased, my head hanging low.”

When the names of the twelve lucky girls were being called, the silence in the long pauses made to supposedly create “tension”, was deafening…

…you could hardly breath, waiting….wishing for your name to be pronounced….seeing as each spot was slowly being occupied by another girl…

….seeing how the chances for your name to be called were diminishing little by little.

And even at the end, when only the twelfth spot was left, the hope on each one of us never faltered….the desire to stand there along with the other eleven girls was so strong…that prevented us from breaking.

Everything felt so overwhelming, from the laud cheers of the fans to the huge pyramid in front of us, specifically designed to make you feel so small…so undeserving.

And then, when my name was called and not exactly to occupy the twelfth seat….everything stopped.

From this point forward it felt as if I was in autopilot…trying to act as if nothing happened…when in reality I was slowly breaking.

Everything that surrounded me became blurry and to be honest…I don’t exactly remember what happened next….it was all a mess…

….I remember the girls were hugging me and…I remember hearing them saying something to me…maybe they were consoling me but I can’t remember exactly what they said to me…. it all went blank…

….and just like the idol I was trained to be, I did what I’ve always done….what I was taught to do…I smiled.

But behind that smile of mine, I was so broken….I couldn’t believe it….I still can’t believe it or I guess…..I refuse to.

 “Phone numbers are meaningless now, I barely go out

I’ve become an adult

But I feel like I’m getting smaller

When the me that I dreamed of

And the actual me is so different

Then, then….”

Everything looked so surreal…like it was actually not happening. I was just standing there, looking at our mentor giving his final speech, looking at how the eliminated girls applauded so loudly in order to congratulate the winners…hearing the applauses of the audience and the cries of the family members… it all passed by in a flash.

My mind was dispersed thinking of how odd everything was…how it felt so calculated…how it felt as if everything was planned….

I felt so helpless…I was beyond shock…

….the results…how on earth did this happen? ....I don’t get it…what went wrong?

For the past 100 days I’ve always been a hot topic…after all I’m the girl from the popular group AFTER SCHOOL who went back to be a trainee to have a second chance…

….I’m the girl who gave up her pride in order to achieve her dream…to stand once again in front of an audience….in order to perform…in order to do what she loves the most.

I simply don’t get it…..

…. I’ve always been in the top twelve…I even was number one in the first elimination….

….and even when my position keep on changing the lowest place for me was 8th …it seemed like I was a secure pick…

…but now….

…how did this happen? …

…did the audience assumed that I was in? … Did they decide to vote for someone else instead because of this? ….

….or …were the twelve spots already chosen since the beginning? …were the results already decided from the very first moment we decided to participate on this program? …

… Did I ever stood a chance? ….

…I just felt as if no matter how hard I tried…I could never reach my goal… was it never meant to be? …wasn’t it in my destiny to sit on those magnificent chairs?

…was my effort worthless? ...am I worthless?

“I tell myself it’s alright

I’m fine just as I am right now

It’s just typical words of comfort

But they are words I never told myself

Words that aren’t as easy to say”

And then…when I looked around me….another feeling of emptiness and desolation invaded me…after all I still couldn’t believe the girls surrounding me weren’t up there…occupying those chairs.

My dear friends were there with me…watching our dreams slowly fade away…

I don’t get it….every one of those girls is amazingly talented…from vocals to dancing….everyone deserved a spot…

…how on earth did Haeyoon nor Miyu made it? Their voices are simply angelic…or Chowon who has always shown her charms for being the reversal queen…

…Miru and Miu…they were always mentioned on articles for their charms while performing….Miru even won 1st place every single performance….

…and what about Miho…who just last week was a candidate for being first place alongside with Sakura….

…and not to mention Juri…whose fanbase has always been so strong…

…I don’t get…what….how…

….but then…when I looked in front…sitting on top of the pyramid… I saw each of those girls and there wasn’t anyone I could single pointed and say she doesn’t belong there.

Maybe some people will disagree with me and say this girl and that girl don’t belong there but…that is not true…

…after all, we all worked so hard for this…we all did our best in every challenge that was presented…we all suffered for this and we all deserved a sport.

But at the end of the day, they were only twelve places and 96 girls who wanted to occupy them.

It might seem cruel, but I guess this is life….this was bound to happen, but still…I can’t help to feel as if my heart is broken…

“I’m fine the way I am

I’m really fine just the way I am

I may seem like a painting that’s not finished

But if you look more closely

I’m still shining”

When it was our turn to approach the winning girls and congratulate them…I kept on repeating myself that everything was fine… I kept on telling everyone that I was is okay.

I tried to be strong for the rest of the girls…I tried to smile as brightly as I could….I tried to show an unbreakable side of me….

…even…even when in reality I don’t even know how on earth I was still standing.

I didn’t want to show how hurt I was…how fragile and broken I truly was…they all seemed so apologetic…so hurt…as if they were the ones that decided our destiny…

….they all felt sorry for me….and they shouldn’t be!

It was never in our control anyway…we were just dolls…controlled by an audience….an audience so indecisive that changed of favorite girl as they change their clothes….

And as I heard them keep on apologizing to me…to the rest of the girls…I couldn’t help but to sheer some tears…after all…I’m not that strong….

….this was their moment…and yet they couldn’t fully enjoy it…I wanted for them to stop…to feel happy….it was not their fault….they just have something I don’t possess [Sighs].

And although I envy them…I didn’t want to ruin their moment of glory…they’ve been wishing for this moment to happen…and no matter what…I wasn’t going to make them feel bad for something we couldn’t change.

None of us could change the result…and even if they wanted for me to be with them in the group…I know they wouldn’t be able to decide which girl should trade places with me…I know…because I felt the same…

…it’s funny because…even when I wished I had debuted…I also wished all the girls could make it…I wouldn’t trade anyone’s place….my love for them is bigger.

And that is the only thing I’m grateful for…the friendships I was able to make with all of those wonderful girls…

…the beautiful memories that I’ve created with them…I wouldn’t change them for anything…and although it that I wasn’t able to make it…that I won’t be able to achieve my dream…I’m still….

....happy for them…. I really am…I’m proud of them and I’m sure they all will do an amazing job and shut everyone who once doubt them.

….

….However….

“The weight is getting heavier, my worries are increasing

My sighs getting deeper, I’m only thinking”

….I’m so lost…I can’t help to feel like a mess.

Now that everything ended, now that the time to say goodbye has come….my thoughts and my feelings keep on getting conflicted….

….now that I’m walking with my manager and saying goodbye to all the staff members who worked so hard for this….I keep on reliving the last 3 hours….the last moments where I still had a dream…where I still had hope….

…while I’m walking away from this experience…from this devilish show….I keep on seeing some of my fans, whose faces reflect how desolated they must feel…how apologetic they are…and how sad this whole situation makes them feel…

….so I try…once again…I try really hard to give them a truthful smile…a reassuring smile…a smile that can mend a little their hearts….

….and while doing so…I keep on telling myself that it’s okay….that I’m okay….that everything will turn out well…

…but somehow…somehow I still can’t actually voice it out…out of fear that I would not believe it once I hear myself saying it

After all….I felt so sure I was going to make it…I had everything planned, in my mind everything was structured, my future for the next two and a half years was secured…but now…

….what am I supposed to do? What should my next step be? How can I move on? How can I recover? …

…will the company support me? ….or…will I comeback to being on an endless hiatus until I decide to totally give up on my dream of being an idol? …

…will people forget about me?  …and if I were to return…. will I actually succeed? …will people love me or will they let me fall once again? ...

…my future looks so uncertain now…so dark…so hopeless….and for the first time since the name of the twelve girls were revealed…now that I’m away from all the cameras…now that the loneliness is more palpable…now…for the first time…I can cry and let out all those feelings that keep on eating me alive….

…now I can be my insecure self….and let those pent up emotions leave me…

“I always thought my room was too big

But now it feels empty sometimes

I try running farther than others

But I feel like I’m frozen sometimes

Then, then”

“Kaeun-ah…are you alright?” my manager asks, his face full of worry.

“Ne oppa…I just…” [Sigh]

“I know….don’t worry…I understand…just let those feelings go okay…you did well…we’re proud of you” he smiles, trying to reassure me….trying to erase all my worries…

…and so…I try to correspond him and smile brightly….

….but still those feelings of emptiness can’t seem to leave my heart…

…and so I try to close my eyes….and maybe when I open them again…all my problems will be solved…or maybe…just maybe…I will wake up to realize that it was all a dream.

“Kaeun-ah”…I hear my name being called from afar… “Kaeun-ah…wake up….we are home…” I hear my manager say.

So I try to slowly open my eyes…but my head is hurting like hell from all the crying…and then…every single moment that just passed comes right back…as if I were watching a movie.

And I’m finally able to realize that I’m back at the dorms…or what used to be the dorms I shared with my members before I decided to join the show…

…the show… [Chuckles] agh I guess the wound will take time to heal…

“Thank you oppa, I’ll go inside now…thank you for everything”

“No problem…that’s what I’m here for…and…Kaeun-ah….don’t worry too much okay…just remember…you did well” [Silence]

“Ne….thank you…good night oppa…”

“Good night…sleep well….if you need anything….just call okay…I’ll be here….”

[Chuckles] I guess I look awful right now to make him worry this much…

“Ne oppa, don’t worry…I’ll be okay” …or at least I will try….

 “I tell myself it’s alright

I’m fine just as I am right now

It’s just typical words of comfort

But they are words I never told myself

Words that aren’t as easy to say”

And so I’m back…to the place I once called home…the dorm I shared with the AFTER SCHOOL members….

….it feels so empty now…now that it’s only Raina-unnie and me who stay here….the dorm seems bigger…lonelier.

And as the loneliness invades my heart…I keep on trying to think in something else…trying to be optimistic about my future…however I can’t….I keep on thinking that all my options are narrowing now…

….I keep on thinking that this might be it…this might be the end…

….and…. [Sound of Keys]

“Kaeun-ah!” …. I hear Raina-unnie calling me…she seems like she was in a hurry….she seems out of breath…

[Whispers] “Kaeun-ah…” Don’t ….don’t look at me like that or I’ll break once again….

“Oppa said that you had arrived….you…I was hoping to get here before you….” [Chuckles] “I wanted to have everything ready you know….but….the traffic is horrible…especially at this time…”

“Unnie…I…”

[Hugs tightly] “Welcome home” don’t….don’t look at me like that…I don’t deserve it…I’m a failure…

[Sobs] “I…”

“…you did well Kaeun-ah…we’re so proud of you…don’t you ever dare to think otherwise okay!”  … “Here…I bought you a cake…it’s your favorite”

[Sobs] “…but…why….” [Clears throat] “…I didn’t won…I didn’t make it…I didn’t get chosen…why?”

“Because…you made us feel proud…that’s why…every single time you performed…every time we saw how well you lead those girls….all of us…Jung ah-unnie, Jooyeon-unnie, Nana, Lizzy, E-youngnie….we all were so proud…”

[Hugs] “…we are still so proud….no matter what the outcome was…we will be forever proud of you… Kaeun-ah…because we know….that there is no obstacle big enough that can stop you”

 “I’m fine the way I am

I’m really fine just the way I am

I may seem like a painting that’s not finished

But if you look more closely

I’m still shining”

[Phone ringing] “Oh…just in time…here…I’m pretty sure this call is for you Kaeun-ah…”

“Hello….”

“Kaeun-ah? …my child….I….I’m so proud of you…you did an amazing job”

“Jung ah-unnie….I…” [Cries] “…unnie I lost….how can you be proud when I didn’t make it in the top twelve…” I can’t…why they insist that I did well when despite having already debuted I wasn’t able to be selected…

“Listen to me…you did not lost…they lost you…”

No…it was me…I was not good enough…I failed…I failed them…I put the name of the group into shame…I…

“Kaeun-ah….listen to me…you did an amazing job…you showed everyone what you are capable of and even then I now you weren’t able to show your real potential because of all the editing….

….when the results were announced everyone knew…believe me…everyone knows that you deserved to be in the top twelve…they were all shocked…because YOU DESERVE IT”

“Listen to Jung ah-unnie, Kaeun-ah ….believe in us…YOU DESERVE IT…YOU DID WELL”

I…don’t know anymore…. “If I did so when…then…why…”

“The audience failed you….Mnet failed you…not you…you did well…you are great”

“Unnie...”

“Never…listen to me…never believe that you are undeserving…you were chosen to be an AFTER SCHOOL member for a reason…even when there hasn’t been a comeback…it is not because of you….

…you my dear…you are perfect…and now you have shown just that to everyone…not only in Korea but in the whole word….”

[Pats head] “Kaeun-ah….when they hear your name…when you stand on stage again …everyone will say…as expected of Lee Kaeun…she is just that good”.

“Even if I feel smaller at the end of a long day….

I…I guess I had forgotten…I guess when I thought of my future I forgot that I’m not alone…my members…they’re one of a kind…

“I…thank you….I guess I’ll just have to work harder again” [Chuckled] Wow….I can smile sincerely again

[Chuckles] “…yes…but you’re not alone…and if you ever feel like you’re coming short….don’t. Just relay on us…we’ll be there…we’ll always be there…”

“Thank you unnie….I… really…thank you…” [Sobs] as expected of my unnies…they truly make me feel as if all the weight on my shoulders has been lifted.

“Well…I have to go now but…..if you ever need someone to talk to…I’ll always be there okay…not because I’m married now you’ll get rid of me that easily [Laughs]”

[Chuckles] “As expected of our Eomma….well…we’ll have to get together soon unnie…it has been so long since we all gathered …” I guess my future doesn’t seem so dark anymore.

“Yes…I know….I’ll just have to go visit Hang Sung-soo’s office before…. [Laughs] after all I have to make him hurry with your comeback…” I must never forget that I was never alone and I’ll never be alone…as long as they are with me…nothing…absolutely nothing will stop me.

“Hey…don’t worry too much…I know that after today he will receive a call from Kahi-unnie”

“True…I bet that by the end of the week he will announce something about our Kaeun-ah and that other trainee….Kirin-chan?” [Chuckles] “After all….he is still afraid of your Appa…”

“Who isn’t??!!!”

“Unnie…her name is Yunjin…Huh Yunjin...not Kirin-chan!” [Sighs] this is exactly what I needed…

“Potato, potahto…it doesn’t matter…the important thing is that she is so cute…she could be an amazing addition to the group”

“Yeah…I do agree with that” …she was after all…more heartbroken than I was when the results came out.

“Well….now I do have to hang up…take care my child…see you later…love you”

“Bye unnie, take care”

“Love you unnie…and thank you”

“Don’t mention it Kaeun-ah…love you” [Hangs up]

“Well….I guess it’s just the two of us now…and…” [Phone ringing] “….Oh…”

“What is it unnie?”

“The girls are sending me messages for you…they know that they took away your phone when you went to the show….

[Chuckles] daebak….Lizzy is sending a lot of messages…most of them are memes…I guess she is trying to cheer you up” [Laughs] “Here….read them…I’ll order something to eat...okay?”

Yes I’m okay “Ne…thanks unnie...”

Well now I’m sure…now I know that no matter what happens from now on…I will never give up….because I have a great family next to me…keeping me safe…so….

Right now, I can smile, just as I am”