Chapter 3: I will do everything for you

Song: It will rain

Artist: Bruno Mars

Narration: Taeyeon

“You don’t understand, I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired…

… I think we should just stop...”

“If you ever leave me, baby,

Leave some morphine at my door

Cause it would take a whole lot of medication

To realize what we used to have,

We don't have it anymore”.

“No!!” I yelled once again with all my might. I’m having a hard time catching my breath; I can feel my heart pounding so loudly and sweat pouring from all over my body. And all because of that stupid dream…well it is actually more like a nightmare.

It’s been a month since our fight but her words repeat constantly in my head, those words hunt me down, scare me, paralyze me to the point I can’t move anymore. I know she didn’t mean it, that she said it because of the spur of the moment. She was angry, frustrated and I understand but…

Noises can be heard outside my room, I must have woken up all the girls because of my loud screams. I can hear them whisper, I imagine that they are trying to decide who is going to enter to c heck on me since my roommate stayed out and my girlfriend had a really late schedule.

Minutes passed by and none dares to enter, I don’t blame them since lately I have been in a really bad mood. Everything angers me, I’m sad all the time; I can’t even establish a decent conversation with any of them without starting a fight. I just… I’m just a mess.

“What are you guys doing up so late?” her voice, I can hear her glorious voice coming from outside my room, just a stupid door separating us. “I’ll take care of her, go back to sleep ok” she says, making the noises disappear indicating that the girls are now in their respective rooms.

Seconds pass by and finally the door opens, revealing a beautiful angel “Tae?” my angel.

“Hi!” I said trying to make my voice sound as lively as possible, given that I am feeling really awful.  “How was your schedule?”

“It was ok…what about you, nightmare again?” She asked me, I can see exhaustion, concern, sadness and a lot more emotions reflected on her face. “Yeah” is the only think I manage to say without breaking. 

She sits next to me and looks into my eyes, those beautiful eyes that always manage to captivate me. I wish I could just hold her and kiss her but I guess right now it is not appropriate since I can see that she just want some answers.

Sighs, it is all that emits. I know it must be frustrating that I don’t speak at all but I just really don’t want to screw things up like I’ve done before. “Is everything alright?” she finally says. “Yeah, everything is fine” I manage to answer, but my voice betrays me and cracks.

A frown, a frown forms in her beautiful face. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what is going on” exasperation can be heard in her voice. “I’m fine really…”

…as long as we are ok I’ll be fine.

“There's no religion that could save me

No matter how long my knees are on the floor, oh

So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm making

To keep you by my side

And keep you from walking out the door”.

“You are not fine, don’t lie to me. Everyone can see that you have some kind of issues that are affecting you seriously, so please stop running and tell me what is going on!!” tears are forming in her eyes and the sight is killing me once again, but I just can’t.. I can’t make her worry with my problems.

“It is complicated; please believe me I got this” “No Tae, why can’t you tell me what is going on? You don’t trust me?” again her words kill me, hurt my heart so deeply.

“What??!!! NO!! Of course I trust you … it is just that I don’t want to worry you, that’s all” I’m just trying to be the best one for you

“I’m already worried so tell me, what is happening??!!” why can’t she just stop before it is too late.

“I’m telling you I’m fine, please let’s drop this subject and go to sleep, we are both tired so…” “NO!!!!!!! Why are you trying to evade my question… are you sick of me? That’s why you don’t want to talk to me anymore?”

“What?!!” daggers hit my heart directly. “You are evading my question because you are bored of me, you are tired of being with me, you are…” “STOP!! Stephanie, stop it!!!”

“…Stephanie???...Now you are calling me Stephanie?!! I was right, right?! You don’t love me anymore; you are not even using my nickname!!”

“What.. No. I LOVE YOU! I really love you; I just don’t want to fight, please?! I just want to drop this subject, it is senseless” “THEN I’M SENSELESS!!!”

“… Fany please!” can’t you see that I’m begging you “You are doing it again” I can’t control my tears anymore “WHAT!? What exactly I’m doing Tae, enlighten me!” please make this stop, please.

“You are putting words in my mouth again!! I’m not saying anything. The only thing I said is that I want to leave this subject behind because I’m tired and we should sleep so...” “Then if you are so tired of me then maybe we should….”

“SHUT UP!!!!!!!” tears, endless tears are falling from my eyes. It hurts so bad that I don’t think I can take it anymore. I’ve been trying so hard for us not to fight but at the end…at the end it always ends this way.

“Don’t say it again…”

“Cause there'll be no sunlight

If I lose you, baby

There'll be no clear skies

If I lose you, baby

Just like the clouds,

My eyes will do the same if you walk away

Everyday it will rain, rain, rain”

“…I don’t think I will take it anymore. If you say those words one more time, I don’t think I’ll survive”

“Wha…” “You always do this!! Every comment I make, every single remark, you always make it out of proportion and start a fight!!”

“So that’s what you think then…” “JUST STOP! There… you are doing it again. Every time we argue, you always end the fight by saying that we should stop, that we should end our relationship. But you never notice how much those words hurt me!!!” I can’t see anymore, my tears have completely cover mi vision, why couldn’t we stop before everything ended like this once again.

“Do you really want to know what is happening to me???!!!….It’s because of YOU! You are the reason why I can’t sleep … your words hunt me in my dreams. I feel that someday you might really mean those things and you will walk away, leaving me for real…and that simple thought scare the hell out of me ‘cause if I lose you, I’ll lose my reason to live”

“Tae… I didn’t know why didn’t you tell me?” “Because all this time I have been trying to hide my feelings, my jealousy, my insecurity, my sadness; I wanted to hide everything so that you wouldn’t worry, s o that we wouldn’t fight …”

“… ‘cause everytime we fight both of us say hurtful words and I end up hurting you, and seeing the one I love being hurt… it just kills me. I don’t want to screw things up, I just don’t want you to leave me…

“I'll never be your mother's favorite

Your daddy can't even look me in the eye

If I were in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing

Saying there goes my little girl

Walking with that troublesome guy”

“…I’m not that strong”

“Tae I…I’m never going to leave you …I love you”

“I’m so scared…I’m scared that you might hear them, all the people saying that we can’t. I know that our relationship is different; we are scared all the time, afraid that someone might see us, afraid that people might judge us, afraid that they might tear us apart…”

“…that’s why I wanted to protect you, even if that meant that I have to sacrifice my own heart”

People say that being in love is awesome, that you feel butterflies every single time. But for us being in a same relationship in a country like Korea means that being in love sometimes can hurt you so bad. I wish she could understand that I feel insecure every single time she walks away because I’m afraid that she might never comeback. After all she once thought that being gay was wrong and attempted against god, but if being in love is wrong then I would never want to be right.

“Tae I…”

“Fany… I know that I’m not the best for you… I’m not strong, I’m not really the smartest, I’m overly jealous and insecure and… let’s accept it, your father doesn’t entirely approve me but….” I couldn’t help to fall in love with her; she is perfect in every single way. That’s why I want to protect her no matter what, but the pain I’m receiving really breaks me apart.

“….Tiffany I just… I just love you to the point of madness that…”

“But they're just afraid of something they can't understand

Well little darling watch me change their minds

Yeah for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll try, I'll try

I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding

If that'll make it right”

“…if I ever was to lose you, I would lose all my reasons to live…” ever since I met her, she has become my inspiration, she has become the reason why I breathe, dream, fight, she has become the reason behind my smile… she just has become my everything.

 “…I know that everything is complicated, that our relationship sometimes can be a mess but I don’t regret anything ‘cause at the end of the day, just by holding you, everything makes sense”

“…Tae….I’m so sorry….I never realized how much problems I have caused. I was so frustrated with everything that I… I used you to release my anger…”

 “Don't just say, goodbye

Don't just say, goodbye

I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding

If that'll make it right”

“…I was taking you for granted, thinking that you will accept me no matter what. I never mean the words that I said, because leaving you will literally break my heart” 

“Then let’s stop…” “Wha… what do you mean Tae …I…”

“Let’s stop hurting each other, no matter what let’s never say those words again. Let’s stop this nonsense, let’s stop our fights and just… let’s just try to be happy”

Have you ever love someone to the point where you will do anything for that person? Well I became blind for her, I ignored everything around us as long as she was ok nothing else matters. But know I now that the both of us were not ok, we both suffering in secret making our relationship a mess. I know understand we are a couple and our happiness depends on our individual happiness. I was so scared that I became obsess in not losing her, but for keeping her next to me I guess I have to star to listen and open myself to her, ‘cause after all she is part of me now and we shouldn’t break apart.

“I love you so much Tiffany so…”

“Cause there'll be no sunlight

If I lose you, baby

There'll be no clear skies

If I lose you, baby

Just like the clouds,

My eyes will do the same”

 “…please promise me that you will never stop loving me … even if sometimes you hate me” because just by receiving one tiny bit of her love I would feel complete.

“I promise…. I love you Tae” and with those words I can feel my heart beating like crazy. She might not realize the effect she has on me, she might not realize how much she means to me, but if she keeps on giving me the opportunity to love her… then I will spend the rest of live trying to show her how much she has make me fall for her.

“I love you too Fany-ah with all my heart, so please never leave ‘cause…

“…if you walk away

Everyday, it will rain, rain, rain, rain”