Chapter 1: I only need you

Anger, sadness and confusion were the feelings that invade my body as soon as I read the letter. Everything felt so surreal, just like a horrible dream from which I wanted to wake up as soon as possible; tears started falling from my eyes since the pain of my heart was so much to handle.

And then, the door opened, letting in a sweet scent, a scent that captivated me from the beginning and that over the last four years has become like oxygen to me.

“Can you tell me what are doing in my room?” so cold, the tone in her voice was so inexplicable cold and felt like a dagger going through my heart. 

“This….” I wanted to talk but my voice was cracking “what is the meaning of this?” I asked her mostly like a whispered.

“Who the hell gave you the right to look through my things?” she raised her voice and snatched the letter that was in my hands, making my anger to be unleashed.

“Who gave me the right?!” I yelled at her “You gave me all the rights from the moment you asked me to be your girlfriend…”

“I don't know if I can yell any louder

How many times I've kicked you outta here?

Or said something insulting?”

“Pffft” she interrupted “Are you seriously going to play the victim in this situation?” she said and started laughing at my remark, making me even angrier.

“How dare you to treat me like that?! I’m your girlfriend!” I said while raising my voice even louder “The only reason I get to see the letter is because you left it in plain sight, I was just looking for you but I found it on the table. And now I want for you to explain the meaning of that letter!”

“My girlfriend……. somehow that word sounds so fake coming from your mouth” The tone on her voice changed drastically, I could only heard sadness in her voice, very different to the funny and happy girl that I got used to hear.

“Jooyeon, you better explain to me what the hell this letter means unless…” “Unless what?!” she challenged me. “You have no right Yoojin…. not anymore” “Wha…”I started yelling, only to be cut by her once more.

“This letter…” she started saying while tears started forming in her eyes “just like you just read, is my resignation letter…” her voice started cracking and her tears started falling “I’m…. leaving After School”

“Why?” I asked, not really sure if she really heard me since it sounded more like a whispered. “And I also….”she continued saying with more tears falling from her eyes “I’m also leaving you, Uee” she finished her sentence looking straight into my eyes.

 “I can be so mean when I wanna be

I am capable of really anything

I can cut you into pieces

But my heart is broken”

Uee? She had never called me that way since we started dating. I couldn’t believe that was happening; actually, I didn’t want to believe it. But her look was so cold, so different to the loving gazes that she used to give me. She was like a whole different person, a complete stranger. It couldn’t be true, my biggest fear was finally happening; the love of my life was leaving me. Did she… did she stop loving me? I wondered.

“Now…” she said, interrupting my thoughts “I have to give this to our boss to make it official but I need for you to please get of my room”

“No” I managed to say “What?! What do you mean by NO?” she asked me a little bit irritated for my stubborn behavior.

“I mean I’m not leaving, and I’m not letting you quit until you explain to me why on earth are you going to leave not only After School but me as well”

“I’m not going to explain something that you should already know!” she yelled getting even more frustrated.

“Did you stop loving me?” I asked, fearful of the answer. “I never stop loving you and I think I never will” she told me looking straight into my eyes, giving me the opportunity to finally see the loving eyes that I learned to love so much.

“Then…” I started saying “If you don’t know what is the problem then I guess I made the right decision of leaving everything behind” she said and started walking away.

“Please don't leave me

Please don't leave me

I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please, don't leave me”

I couldn’t react at the beginning, I was just so immersed in my thoughts that I didn’t notice when she left but as soon as her scent disappeared from the room, my body started running on its own.

I saw her on the street, walking towards the main avenue in order to catch a cab, I guess she was in such a hurry to give that letter to the boss that she didn’t care if people could recognized her.

I ran as fast as I could but the distance was getting bigger, when did she become so fast? I just couldn’t keep up with her speed; the air in my lungs wasn’t enough to follow, after all she is the reason why I breathe.

She was almost on the main street, I was about to lose her forever and I couldn’t let that happened. “Jooyeon!” I yelled, but she kept on walking “Jooyeon, please!” I kept on begging, but she didn’t even dare to look back.

“Jooyeon, could you please stop?!!!” I finally scream with all my strength, managing to make her look at me. “No Uee, you stop. It is all over now” she said and then started walking again.

“How did I become so obnoxious?

What is it with you that make me act like this?

I've never been this nasty”

“Is it because of him?!!” I yelled, making her stop walking. “Him?” she asked, her back facing me. I finally manage to catch her, I was having hard time breathing but I still manage to say: “Don’t pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about?” 

She finally turned around to look at me and I could see how puzzled her face was. Then without thinking I just opened my mouth and say: “Hong Jong Hyun”

“What?!” she whispered. “You are having an affair, aren’t you?” She was looking straight into my eyes, making me able to see the change in her eyes from a confused look to a look full of anger and sadness. I have never seen her eyes so angry, so dark and full of hate and misery.

She grabbed my arm and dragged me towards the dorm. I couldn’t believe how pissed off she was, I didn’t want to blurt things like that, especially when paparazzi could be witnessing everything but I was so desperate to make her stop that I didn’t think of anything else.

 “Can't you tell that this is all just a contest?

The one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest

But baby I don't mean it

I mean it, I promise”

“Do you realize that the things you said could be leaking to the media as we speak?!” she yelled at me as soon as we entered the dorm. “Are you stupid?! You could ruin everything! If someone hears you, our careers are over?!!” she started yelling even louder, it was a good thing that the rest of the girls weren’t at home or this whole drama would have affected the group seriously.

“Uee! Look at me when I’m talking! I’m your unnie and you must at least listen to what I say!” her face was so red when she yelled at me. What the hell happened to us? She never raised her voice at me, I was always the one that yelled at her about almost everything; whenever I was frustrated about a job, when I was tired or just because I feel like it, I would always yelled at her ‘cause at the end, no matter what, she would always listened patiently at me, she would smile at me no matter how harsh my words were towards her and more importantly she would always calm me down with her loving words.

“Uee!” she yelled. I looked at her and the only thing I could say was: “Did you cheat on me? Did you fall in love with him?”

“What?!” me and my stupid mouth. I crossed the line in a really stupid way and there was no turning back, I could see it in her eyes. “Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she yelled with all her strength, tears were falling nonstop from her eyes, she was so angry at me but I could see that she felt more disappointed because of my lack of trust. After all, over the last three years she has done nothing but prove how much she loves me.

“We are over” I could hear how my heart was breaking “don’t make anything stupid and just let me go” she was crying nonstop and it was all my fault “if you love me, please let me go” and with that she started walking to the door.

 “Please don't leave me

Oh please don't leave me

I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back to this

Please, don't leave me”

But before she could reach the knob, I stopped her by giving her a back hug. “Don’t” I said “please don’t… if you love me please let’s talk about this”

“Yoojin-ah… you still don’t get it do you?” her voice sounded hoarse from so much crying. “All these time I been trying to talk, but you just pushed me aside” “I even try so hard to get in the same drama as you in order to spend more time together, but you still neglect me every single time” she was sobbing so hard that her whole body was trembling, and it killed me to know I was the reason behind her pain.

“I don’t know if you are embarrassed of me because I’m not as good actress as you, but…” tears were once again forming in my eyes “the only thing I wanted was to be there for you, to spoiled you when you got tired, to give you a hug when you got frustrated because of a scene, to make you laugh when the director got angry at you… the only thing I wanted was for you to let me love you” I’m so stupid, I know. God gave me a wonderful angel and I, well, I screwed everything up.

“The only reason I talked to Hong Jong is because I felt so lonely back there and he just wanted to make me smile” Of course Hong Jong wanted to make her smile, who wouldn’t want to be able to see such a beautiful smile. I couldn’t hold my tears anymore. “I felt so lonely because even when we were so close, you felt somehow so far away from me” I could feel her tears in my arms while my hug became a little bit softer. I hurt the person I love the most, and I hate myself because of that.

“I love you Yoojin-ah but you made it so hard that I started to wonder if all the pain I got was worth it… that’s why I decided to leave After School and leave you in order to move on and start from zero. I want for you to become a wonderful actress, I want for you to be happy and form a family, but I guess I won’t be next to you when those things happen” then slowly she manage to broke my embrace and started walking again towards the door.

I could feel how her warmth left me body and then realization hit me. If she were to leave through that door then I would never be able to feel her warmth again, I would never see her smile, I would never hear her voice and more importantly I would never be love the way she loves me.

“I forgot to say out loud how beautiful you really are to me

I cannot be without; you're my perfect little punching bag

And I need you, I'm sorry”

“I love you!”  I yelled at her “I took you from granted and I’m really sorry” my words made her stop right in front of the door. “You might think is too late, but it is never too late when it comes to love” “Yoojin-ah, I…” “I was scared…” I continue talking hoping that I could convince her to stay.

“I was afraid that you will became a better actress than me and that you would realize that you can find someone so much better than me, someone more pretty and talented. After all, all I got is my looks, I don’t know how to cook and you love eating, I’m so boring while you are the mood maker, I have terrible mood changes and you are the only one that knows how to control them, I have nothing to offer while you… you are just the most incredible person that I have ever met” I could see her trembling and I wanted to embrace her one again but was afraid to scare her so I kept on talking.

“I was afraid that you would leave me, since now the whole world could see how amazing you are. With your new look I started to fear not only boys but girls as well. You are not only pretty but y, cute, funny, interesting, and the list can go for hours and I might not been able to finish”

“All those times I rejected you, were because I was practicing my lines, I wanted to improve my acting so you could be so proud of me since you keep saying how my acting skills make me so attractive” she  turned around and looked at my eyes. “When I saw you with Hong Jong I realize how easy was to lose you, you are an easy going person and people feel comfortable around you so I wouldn’t be surprise if someone were to fall for you as soon as they saw you. I mean even when you keep on rejecting G.O, who has been in love with you for more than four years, he keeps trying to convince you to go out with him and that scares me the most”

“I cannot lose you; you gave me a reason to keep going. Before we started dating I was a mess, well I was even more screwed than what I’m now. I had a lack of confidence, I couldn’t even smile but you somehow became the reason behind my smile, and I guess I became obsess with you. I wanted you all by myself that’s why I keep on telling you awful things so you would think that I was the only one that could love you. When in reality is the total opposite. You are the only one who can love me” I couldn’t cry anymore I was so desperate to make things work out but I was also afraid that maybe it was too late.

“So please I…” “You still don’t get it do you!” “Wha…” I tried to answer “I never asked you to change or be better, ‘cause for me you are already the best. I was the one who should feel insecure. You are a well know actress, you are the image of After School, several man consider you as their ideal type, you are pretty and y, you are charming and you always try your best. While me, I don’t even get to sing more than 3 lines while performing. But still no matter what I know that you know the real me, not the one that the fans see but me. I love you for who you are, the messy, problematic, with mood changes and not entirely funny Yoojin”

“However…” and there must be always a ‘however’ that ruins things up.

 “Please don't leave me

Baby please don't leave me

No, don't leave me

Please don't leave me “

“However I’m afraid that I might be cutting your wings… we have been together for 3 years already and I wonder if I’m forcing you to stay. I know that you are famous enough to triumph on your own, without the help of After School. But I guess that you will stay as long as I’m still at the group” that’s why she was leaving? In order for me to triumph she was giving up her opportunity to shine?

“No, you can’t do this” I said “Yoojin-ah, there is a saying that states that if you love someone you must set them free and if they comeback it’s means they are yours, if not it means they were never yours. So I’m setting you free, hoping that in the future you would come back to me”

“So this is not a good bye, it is more like a see you later alright” she said while smiling sadly at me “And you say I’m the stupid one?!” I yelled at her. “Why do you make such harsh decisions on your own!” “Yoojin I…”

“No, now you are going to listen to me” her face was socked because of my change of attitude but who wouldn’t be furious in that kind of situation. “I don’t want to be set free cause I love being with you. I want to triumph and do so much thinks but I want to do it together with you. I know that it was my fault to begging with since I push you aside but I will not make the same mistakes again because my life means nothing if you are not in it”

“But Yoojin I bdhdah” I stopped her words with sweet kiss. I wanted to prove my love and express all my feelings through the kiss, the need, the sadness, the regrets; everything was transmitted through that kiss.

“I love you Joo, and I won’t let you push me aside. I want to live with you by my side” I told her while looking into her eyes. It was the first time since I read that letter that her look came back to normal, a look full of love and comprehension. 

“I love you too Yoojin-ah” her face started to get closer to mine. I could feel her breath caressing my lips. I my lips in anticipation. “Don’t ever push me aside or I won’t be able to handle it anymore” and with that our lips were sealed in a kiss full of love and need. THE END

 “I always say how I don't need you

But it's always gonna come right back

It's gonna come right back to this

Please, don't leave me”

“What are you doing?” her sweet voice always makes my heart beat faster.

“Nothing just writing some stuff in my diary”

“mmm…. are you writing bad things or good thing about me?” how can she be so cute even when she is older than me.  

“What do you think?”

“Good things I hope, after all your Jupal will never do bad things to the one she loves” damn it her smiles can surely melt me.

“I know…..I’m the one who is capable of hurting the people I love” guilt, every time I remember what I did to her and how I treated her I cannot help but to hate myself.

“Hey…” when did she come this close to me?, I can feel her breathing in my ear “we can all make mistakes, the important thing is to realize what we did wrong, correct our mistakes and appreciate what we have” how can she be so understanding? what I did to be so lucky?

“I love you Yoojin-ah” and with those three words she can make me smile like an idiot.

“I love you too Joo”

“Jooyeon, you might not know it, but if it weren’t for you my life wouldn’t have sense. You are the reason behind everything I do; you are the reason behind my smile; you are my other half. So even if I yell at you, even if I push you, even if I make the same mistakes over again…

…please don't leave me…”