Chapter 5: Please only look at me…

Song: Girl next door

Artist: Saving Jane

“JOOEE, JOOEE, JOOEE!!!”

Why on earth everything is about "the secret lovers"!!...secret lovers my !! “Aish...”

Ever since they started doing Beauty Bible together everything became worst and now that she’s graduating, this...this has become unsupportable.

I mean they even had lots of moments in our recent Japanese MV…and when she went to her graduation despite having another schedule…it made our fans go crazy!!

And what is worst it’s that our fans think that I didn’t care…when it was the company that planned another event at the same time and I just couldn’t make it…I just [Sigh]…

…It hurts so much to see them giving comments like:

[+500, -22] OMG they are so perfect, I’m so sad that they will no longer work together

[+350, -25] Noo!!! Please I can’t take that my favorite OTP gets separated

[+755, -10] After seeing their interactions in Beauty Bible I’m 100% sure that they’re dating, you can’t fake the way they look at each other eyes.

[+510, -10] I bet they will live together, I mean no one can separate Jooee they’re meant to be together.

[+510, -20] I’ll miss their interactions but I guess now they’ll have more time to spend with each other off camera…if you know what I mean ㅋㅋㅋ

I mean seriously, why does fans support them so much…what is so special about those two that fans find them perfect for each other [Sighs]

I just…I don’t get it, am I not god enough for her?...I know she’s the one that ask me out but then…why doesn’t our fans see us like that?!

“ARGH!! This is so frustrating!!” why can’t we be their OTP?! Why can’t they support us the same way they do it with her?! Why aren’t we "the match made in heaven"? Do I really look just like her younger sister? Are we really not compatible?

Is she…really that perfect? Is she…the one for her?...

“Small town homecoming queen

She's the star in this scene

There's no way to deny she's lovely”

…I have to admit that when I first joined After School I thought that the two of them were together. After all, I was also able to see what fans see right now…the stares, the communication that doesn’t need words, the hugs, the silly smiles, the sweetness…

…but it was me who she chose and not her!

I remember it as if it was yesterday, we were promoting Shampoo at the time so we got really close together…I guess after so much training together we became inseparable. And then one day, when we were left alone, Joo planed this amazing dinner for the two of us, and when she pop up the question I just couldn’t be happier…after all she is beautiful, sweet, funny, charming…she is Lee Jooyeon, my dear Jupal…the girl I had always admired, they girl that made me fall in love from the very beginning.

 But who would have thought that I would have to compete against Uee unnie to win the preference of our fans and more importantly her heart

I know that they might look good…ok they look incredible together…but so do we!! And I know that Uee unnie is amazing in so many ways since…

“Perfect skin, perfect hair

Perfumed hearts everywhere

Tell myself that inside she's ugly”

…I can’t deny that she’s an amazing actress, her body is just to die for, and her face is so freaking pretty…but I think I’m not so far behind…am I?

I mean I just won the 1^st place as the most beautiful face!!!...even if some people say that it’s not an official raking and whatever…I still can compete against her in terms of looks…right?!

Well maybe she has those amazing honey tights but my legs are also no joke...I mean Joo always compliments my legs saying that she just loves to look at my endless legs [Blush]

However [Sighs]…I’ve also seen the way she looks at her…

“Maybe I'm just jealous

I can't help but hate her

Secretly I wonder if my boyfriend wants to date her”

…I know that aside from Kahi unnie and Lizzy, Joo is one of the biggest erts in After School. I mean she’s always finding an excuse to touch me [Blush]…the problem is that she also touches her…

…she usually back hugs hers and kisses her cheek, or holds her hand, or… “Arghh!” just thinking about it makes my blood boil.

I wonder…I wonder if she’s only dating me to make Uee unnie jealous, I have this feeling that she’s trying to show her what she could have…what she’s losing…and that stupid thought just breaks my heart

“She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band

She is a cheerleader I'm sitting in the stands

She gets the top bunk I'm sleeping on the floor

She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door”

I know I should be confident, but how can I be when the one I’m competing against is SO PERFECT! Uee unnie usually expresses herself really well, she always says what she wants, needs and feels, while I…well it took me so much to finally say Joo that I love her and I still have problems saying it constantly.

Also, Uee unnie is really detailed, she remembers even the smallest things while I’m not…I’m blunt like a guy, and that must be really frustrating for Joo.

And to top it up, I don’t cook and Joo loves food!!! I think she loves food more than me. And even if Uee unnie isn’t the best cook, she has slowly learned …

“Senior class president

She must be heaven sent

She was never the last one standing”

…and to make it worst, the things that she has learned are the types of food that Joo loves.

What more could someone ask for…she’s like the perfect girlfriend and everyone can see that. She even has lots of actors and idols trying to go out with her, and even when I’ve also had received a lot of proposals…once they get to know the real me they get so disappointed that they instantly back away.

I mean even Mir who was my ultimate fan boy back off once he saw me without make up…while Uee unnie…well she got so many compliment while being on Barefoot Friends and Laws of the Jungle because of her bare face beauty.

I think that if I’ll ever show my real bare face, we’ll be left with no fans…

[Sighs]…

 “A backseat debutante

Everything that you want

Never too harsh or too demanding”

…I really want to be more confident, I always say to myself that I’m getting more popular now since I started to be on more shows, I mean I was a MC on Style Log, I’m a member on Roommate and I’m acting on a Chinese drama!!!

…although…well she’s now the main actress in Hogu’s Love, she has also acted in so many other dramas, she has received so many prices, she wins more money, she’s on many famous magazines, she’s everyone ideal type…she is “Arghhh!!”

“Maybe I'll admit it

I'm a little bitter

Everybody loves her…

But I just wanna hit her”

However, she is not the perfect girl everyone thinks…she snores…she has this awful mood swings…she can sometimes be really aggressive and…and…ok that’s it…

I know it isn’t much but…I mean it when I say she isn’t perfect…if not then why did Joo chose ME instead of HER…right?

[Sighs] I’m so freaking scare to lose her but probably our fans are right…I mean…if fans don’t think of us as a couple, even when we are the real couple, then…maybe it’s because we are not good together…maybe it is because they don’t see the chemistry they see with Jooee …maybe they have a connection that she and I don’t have…

…maybe it’s because…we aren’t meant to be.

“She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band

She is a cheerleader I'm sitting in the stands

She gets the top bunk I'm sleeping on the floor

She's Miss America and I'm just the girl next door

Oh and I'm just the girl next door”

[Sighs] I sometimes wonder… If I were to break up with Joo…will she go to Uee unnie?

‘Cause at the end of the day…I have to admit that they do look perfect together…while we look like siblings [Starts crying]

Maybe when she asked me to go out with her she only did it because she was confused, because now that I remember it was me who started to follow her, to spend time with her…it was me who tried to steal her hearth…

…but I guess her heart already belonged to someone else…

 “I don't know why I'm feeling sorry for myself

I spend all my time wishing that I was someone else”

[Sobs]…I wish…I wish I was like Uee unnie…I wish I could be more sweet and delicate…I wish I could have all the qualities Joo desires…I wish I was her…

…OMG!! Why?!!...Why on earth did I say yes?!!!! …Why…why did I fall for her?!!… [Cries]

“Jin-ah?...hey…what’s going on… are you crying?”

[Silence]

“Jinnie…talk to me…please…I hate to see you cry…what happened?” don’t…don’t look at me like that…because… “Are the netizens saying mean things again?...”

…because you’ll make me regret the decision I’ve just made… “…did something happen when you were filming in china?...”

…you’ll make me regret the things I’m about to say… “OMG! Are you hurt?!! Did you fell or something?!...did you…”

“Let’s break up…”

“…wha…what did you just say?” now that I said those words I feel like my world is crumbling down…

“I…I said…let’s…break…up” …why does it hurt so badly?

“Jin-ah! Look at me…please…tell me that you didn’t mean those words you said”

[Silence]

“Jin-ah…please…don’t…just…just tell me what is going on…we can solve this together…whatever made you take this decision, we can fix it…I can fix it…I’ll be better…I…” you’re already perfect…

“It’s not you…it’s me…” I’m the one that isn’t perfect…I’m the one that isn’t the right for you…“…I think…I think it’ll be better for the two of us to separate”…this way you’ll finally be free and you’ll be able to be with her.

“NO!”

“Joo listen…you can have a new start now that you’ll graduate…and…”

“NO! You said that even if I were to graduate we will stay together…you said that nothing could break us apart…why…why did you change your mind…if…if you want me to stay I’ll stay…I’ll tell PLEDIS boss to take me back and…” please stop…don’t make me feel so guilty...please…

“STOP! Listen it’s not you…it’s me…I don’t think that we are meant to be…I…”

“DON’T!!! Stop saying nonsense…what do you mean that …that’s bull…”

“It’s not bull…and it’s not nonsense…it’s the true…if we were to mean to be together then our fans wouldn’t write those comments…”

“Our fans? ...what do they have to do with any of this…Jin-ah please I know that it’ll be difficult but…”

“No, listen! Now that you have graduated we won’t have the same amount of time together, at least before whenever we had concerts or a comeback we had some time for us but now…now I’ll be all by myself and I just can’t…”

“…but Jinnie…”

“…no…I’m letting you free can’t you see!!...now you can finally go to Uee unnie without any remorse…so please…don’t make this more difficult than what it already is…”

“….Uee? …what do you mean…?”

[Silence]

“…Jinnie please look at me…what do you mean by that…why do you think that I want to be with Uee?”

“I…I…I think it’s pretty obvious by the way you look at her…”

“I’ve never look at her in a particular way…I…”

“Don’t play dumb! Everyone can see that you love her…everyone can see that you guys are meant to be together”

“Well the everyone!! They have a really terrible sight ‘cause the only one I love it’s YOU!”

“…” “Jinnie please believe me…I love you and only you…please don’t listen or read the comments of our fans…I mean…I love them but if what they say were to be true then…you’ll be with Lizzy and not with me…”

“…that’s ridiculous, I’ll never date that dork…”

“This is also ridiculous you know…It’s like …urgh…just thinking about makes me want to puke…”

“…but…”

“She is the prom queen I'm in the marching band

She is a cheerleader I'm sitting in the stands”

“…no…please hear me out…I do love Uee…but I only love her like a sister…when I met her she was just a broken girl…so I just wanted to protect her…and eventually we become inseparable, we’re partners in crime…but that’s it…because at the end of the day the one that make my heart beat like crazy…the one that take my breath away…the one that I fell in love with…it’s only YOU”

 “I just…I’m just so scared…I’m afraid that eventually you’ll find out that she is the one for you, that the fans were right and you will end up with her and that you’ll leave me behind” [Cries]

“Hey, look at me…I should be the one who is scared…I mean you are beautiful, y, sweet…there are a lot of words to describe how amazing you are that I will need an eternity in order to finish describing you…and with your growing popularity I’m scared as hell to lose you, I’m so scare that someone else will blow your mind and conquer your heart…”

“That’ll never happen…there is no one better than you…”

“…come one…you and everyone knows that…that isn’t true…after all I’m no one…I’m not a well-known actress, I wasn’t the main vocal nor the main dancer in after school…and of course I don’t blame anyone…you have hear me sing and seen me dance "free style"… [Sighs]

...I was just the "visual" and even then nowadays I wasn’t even that, with you and the rest of the girls growing up so beautifully I was just…I wasn’t good enough…”

“I get a little bit, she gets a little more

She's Miss America and...She's Miss America”

“…that’s why I left…I want to become someone you could be proud of and more importantly someone I could be proud of…because with all my insecurities I was sure that I didn’t deserve you…”

“…Joo” “…wait just listen…I know you’ll say that I didn’t have to do something like that but…I just want to have my own name, I want to shine and be recognize as Lee Jooyeon and not After School’s ulzzang…and when that happens…maybe I won’t be that scared when someone tries to steal your heart…’cause I’ll be more confident to fight back…”

[Sigh] “…stupid…”

“…wha…why?”

“You have nothing to be scare of ‘cause you were the one that stole my heart from the begging and believe there’s no one out there that can compete with you...”

“Then…we’re both stupid… you know…’cause there is no way that I’ll go with Uee when I have the most amazing girl next to me...”

“I guess we should really start to communicate better…I mean if we only shared our fears then we wouldn’t be panicking on our own…”

“I guess you’re right….and hey…even if things get difficult now that I graduated…even if the distance makes our relationship a little bit harder…always remember that the things that cost us the most are the ones that are really worth it…and you’re definitely worth it…I love you Jinnie…I really do”

“I love you too…”

“Oh! and remember that…even when fans love Jooee…JooNa is my OTP…”

“I'm just the girl next door...”

“…because me dear Jinnie…you are the girl that I love, my other half…you’re the only one”