Chapter 2.1: I will forget you

Song: Somebody that I used to know (cover)

Artist: Boyce Avenue

Narration: Jessica 

A cold night, a dark and silent room just the perfect scenery that completed my misery. It’s been who knows how long since it all started and I still cannot get over it. I cannot even count how many times I tried to make things work, how many times I tried to move on, but still no matter what I did the result was always the same. Every single time all I got was a cold stare, hurtful words and a broken heart.

But still, even when I cannot produce anymore tears, you can find me here in a dark room watching pictures of us, our past, our moments, watching videos of those stares that said more than thousand words.

Pitiful, masochist, idiot; there are no words to describe me and my current situation, but what can be done if your heart refuses to listen to your brain. What can I do when she, the reason behind my tears, is also the reason behind my smile?

Yes, you heard it right; I, Jessica Jung, the famous singer of SNSD is a freaking mess because of a girl, the person that made me felt like I was in heaven just by looking at her smile and that know makes me feel in hell every single time she passes by.

Are you curious about who she is? Well she is one of the most beautiful girls you could ever see, she is also really talented, funny, caring, cute, and so on, if I were to tell you how wonderful she is, it might take me years to finish. She is just simply amazing, after all she is…

“Now and then I think of when we were together…”

….Taeyeon.

I still can remember the day when I first saw her. I was just a teenager back then but I instantly knew that the way she made me feel was not normal. She accelerated my heart just by looking at her cute dimple when she smiled, she made me sweat every time she talked to me, she froze my world whenever she hold my hand; she just knocked me out from the very start.

You can find my description ridiculous and exaggerating, but the thing is that she made me… correction, she makes me feel complete.

At first I thought that I loved her like a sister since I was so over protective. I only wanted to see her smile and every single time I saw a tiny bit of tiredness, sadness or exhaustion on her face I would run up to her an tried to erase her pain.

I used to always grab her hand, hugged her whenever I got the chance, and have as much as skinship as I could, because somehow I felt overjoy when our skins touched. I felt great just by standing by her side.

And when the time came, when our band debuted, I was always there for her. When the criticism started, when the harsh words were thrown at us and when the business world tried to break us down, I was always the hand she hold on to in order not to fall and I just really loved that feeling. We suffered together, cried together and smiled together.

And when the fans came up with “TAENGSIC” I couldn’t be happier. I remember that the first time we saw this posters, she just grabbed my hand and told me “Sica-ah…”

 “Like when you said you felt so happy you could die”

“…I’m really happy that the fans have paired me up with someone as amazing as you” and with those simple words, she managed to melt my heart.

Our relationship grew stronger, we were always together. She acted like a “boyfriend” to me, a protective, caring, funny and loving one. But even then I thought that we were just really good friends.

However, as time went by I started to notice how jealous I became every time other people interacted with her, I became really possessive and somehow that was the beginning of the end. I understood that my feelings for her where more than just a friendship but since I didn’t wanted to scare her I step aside and gave her space. 

“I told myself that you were right for me

But felt so lonely in your company

But that was love and it's an ache I still remember”

I tried to treat her the same way as before, but it was obvious how every single action form her affected me greatly. I was so confused at that time since I was debating myself whether to tell her my feelings or not. All I ever wanted was for her to let me love her, I didn’t care if she didn’t feel the same since I think that when it comes to love it might take a while and I was willing to give her time as long as she was willing to give me a chance.

I know it sounds rare and some people might judge me because of my preference, especially in Korea where the people has more conservative tendencies but it somehow felt right, I cannot see myself with someone else than with her. And this is why I’m so screwed up; how can I move on when I’m still madly in love with her. 

But you might wonder how on earth I ended up like this, how I turn, from being a girl happily in love, into a lifeless being? Well, I really cannot explain it, everything is really complicated but I can assure you that even when I’m slightly at fault most of the problem began because of her… my best friend, my rival, my murderer …. TIFFANY.

When I was debating myself on whether to confess my felling for Taeyeon or not, I started to distance myself from her. I wanted to confirm my feelings and assure myself that what I felt was not just an infatuation resulting from all the time we spent together. I wanted to be sure of what I was going to do, because once I said those words there was no turning back, my friendship with her could be ruined and my relationship with the rest of the members could become awkward since the success of SNSD was also on the line. So I really didn’t want to ruin things over just a whim, I wanted to sacrifice everything in the name of love.

But because of that, because of the time I took to realize and comprehend my feelings, someone else had already started to fill my shoes and I …

“But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened

And that we were nothing

I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger

And that feels so rough

No you didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records

And then change your number

Guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know”

… I could only observe silently from afar.

Tiffany became everything to Taeyeon, they were always together, they would do everything we used to do and when I tried to go back to her, when I tried to recover what we had, she just push me aside and pretended like we never existed.

She acted in front of everyone as if everything was fine, but the reality was so cruel that even the fans noticed. Every time I tried to get closer, to hold her hand, to embrace her or just to talk to her, she ignored me, she walked pass me, she treated me like trash and broke my heart over and over.

I don’t even know what happened, I still don’t know, the only thing I know is that this pain is killing me really slowly. If only I could forget and move on, if only I was strong enough, I wouldn’t be here silently crying my heart out because of the immense pain she caused me.

I now, I’m just pathetic. Look at me know, just by thinking about everything she has done to me I am on the verge of crying once again, but it just hurts so much, “I’m such and idiot, why on earth I can’t get over you!”

 “Jessica?” I froze, what on earth is doing in the room? I thought she had schedule, that’s why I didn’t bother to hide my tears or lock me in my room.

“Jessica, are you listening to me?” her voice, even though is not as warm as it used to, it still makes my whole body shiver.

“What do you want Taeyeon?” how on earth did we end up like this? Where is my best friend? Where is the person that would erase my pain away?

“I just wanted to know what are you doing and why on earth are all the lights off?” –Click – Perfect, now that she has the light she is going to see me in this pathetic state.

“J-Jessica…have you been crying?” concerned? I don’t think so; she stopped being concerned about me a long time ago.

“Why do you care? It is not of your business!!” I hate this, I hate myself for yelling at her, I hate that she makes me so vulnerable.

“Why do I care? I’m your leader Jessica of course I care about my members” I used to be her Sica~chu and now I’m just a member, just great and I thought my heart couldn’t break more.

“Pfft… since when do you act like a leader, Taeyeon. If I remember correctly, every single time I had a problem because of work, when I got depress because of the criticism, when I was on the verge of giving up, when I couldn’t go on anymore, you were nowhere to be seeing….. Where were you back then, LEADER?” it hurts, I’m crying once again in front of her, I’m so useless.

“I…” “You can’t answer me, right Taeyeon? Why do you want to act like a leader now when you have being nothing but an to me?!!” that’s it there is no turning back, the feelings I been holding are finally out.

“Jessica… I… I didn’t mean to…”

 “You didn’t mean to what...?!”

 “Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over

But had me believing it was always something that I'd done

But I don't wanna live that way

Reading into every word you say

You said that you could let it go

And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know...”

“….You didn’t mean to ignore me, to treat me like trash, to spat on me every time you got angry… tell me Taeyeon what you didn’t mean?!” I cannot breath, this pain is just too much but I cannot back down now that I finally got a little bit of courage to confront her, it’s now or never.

“Why?” my voice is breaking just like my soul “what happened Taeyeon? What did I do to deserve such a treatment? Did I hurt you? Did I offend you somehow that made you want to destroy me?”

“Sica…. I….. I’m sorry… I really didn’t know” was I so invisible to her that she couldn’t even see my pain? I been suffering all this time and she didn’t know, the whole world knew why couldn’t she see it? What I’m to her? I feel more hurt know but I still want to know the truth.

“Is it because of her?” I don’t really want to know “Her?” please don’t continue with this anymore, just give up “Yes her…. Tiffany” me and my stupid mouth

“She has nothing to….” “Do you love her?” and once again my mouth beats my brain, what on earth am I thinking? I don’t even want to hear the answer “Yes” I can’t, I can’t breathe, I can’t stand here anymore, I knew it, from the very beginning I knew it but I just didn’t want to admit it. I could see it in her eyes, every time Taeyeon looked at Tiffany you could see how in love she was, but somehow my stupid heart refused to believe it.

“But still, this has nothing to do with her, I just….”

“But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened

And that we were nothing

I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger

And that feels so rough

You didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records

And then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know”

“I just didn’t want for you to give you hope” she knew? All this time she knew?

“I know that you liked me so…” can I be more pathetic, I debated myself whether or not to confess and all this time she always knew

“No Taeyeon, I don’t like you….I love you”

“Wha… how… since when?” and that was exactly what I wanted to avoid, a face full of confusion, panic and fear.

“Since the day I met you” why doesn’t she say something “To be honest I didn’t know at the beginning, I just thought that I care a lot about you because you were my friend but… as time went by I realized my feelings for you. And when I was about to confess you … you were no longer there” I sound so worthless, why do I even bother to explain when she never cared? She knew that I liked her and she let me suffer on my own, she let me hoping to win a heart that already belong to someone else.

“I didn’t know… I thought that you just liked me and that you were confused, that’s why… when you started to distanced yourself I thought that you were confused and needed space” so it was my fault after all, and all this time I blame it on Tiffany.  But still even when she wanted for me to stop liking her, she could have done something else, talked to me or something, but no she decided to broke me into pieces.

“Besides…. this is wrong Jessica, we are both girls and … well is wrong” so I was right all this time. It was Tiffany, after all those words sound just like her. She chose her over me; she chose to believe her and gave up on me. She left me for her, even when it also caused her pain.

“Why is it wrong? Is your love for Tiffany also wrong or just my feelings?” confusion, I know that she is just scared but why did she had to vent her insecurities with me.

“No, I mean…. We are both wrong we cannot love someone of the same it is… it is just wrong” “Why? Who says is wrong? Why loving someone is wrong?” indescribable, her face shows many feelings that looks like a paint from Picasso.

“Even if you thought that liking someone of the same is wrong…

“Somebody…

Somebody that I used to know

Now you are just somebody that I used to know”

“….don’t you thing is even worst to humiliate someone, to treat that person like trash, to make them feel worthless?” regret; tears started falling from her eyes as she realized the pain she inflicted on me.

“You acted like a , you insulted me and treated me like I was nothing to you, like you didn’t know me and…. you killed me Tae, your words, your actions, everything you did just killed me!!!”

“But you didn't have to cut me off

Make out like it never happened

And that we were nothing

I don't even need your love

But you treat me like a stranger

And that feels so rough

You didn't have to stoop so low

Have your friends collect your records

And then change your number

I guess that I don't need that though

Now you're just somebody that I used to know”

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to I …. I wanted for you to move on so …”

“So what? You left me aside for her!!” I cannot do this anymore, why does life has to be so cruel?

“No … I….” “Tae, if only you told me that you didn’t like me, that you didn’t see me that way, that you liked Tiff, I would have understood even though it might hurt. You are my everything and I would have let you go because the only thing I care is for you to be happy”

“Jess…..I’m really sorry”

“I’m sorry as well Tae, I’m sorry that I never got the balls to confess until it was too late, I’m sorry that I fall for you, I’m sorry that our friendship ended ….”

“NO!!! Please Jessica I know I haven’t acted like a friend to you but…. I cannot lose you; I somehow always assumed that you were going to be there for me no matter what. I underestimated you and I’m sorry but let’s try to fix this” if only we would have talked about this before, if only we would have been more honest with each other.

“Tae, is over. It was over for a very long time but I refused to believe it….”

“Please, Sica~ah I’m really sorry. I know I screwed things up but please just let’s try to recover what we had. I miss you, I miss us and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to correct my mistakes…. Please” don’t, don’t cry. It hurts me to see her cry, even when my heart is in pain I just cannot tolerate to see her cry.

“Jessica….I”

“Ok…” I cannot believe what I’m about to say “You forgive me?.....Oh my god Jessica thank you I promise I won’t let you down again, I will never, ever hurt you” I love her, but it is too late.

“No Taeyeon, you didn’t let me finish”

“What do you mean?” don’t look at me that way, this is making everything more complicated, please don’t.

“Somebody…

Somebody that I used to know”

“I’m going to forgive you Tae…..but I’m also going to forget you” “Wha…. Jessica please don’t I know I did a horrible thing but could you please…”

“No, forget about me Tae, forget about our past, about our memories, about the moments we shared”

“Jessica please…”

“I love you, but from now on you are just my leader, my band mate….

 “… now you are just somebody that I used to know”