Narration: Taeyeon 

“Hey...”

[Silence]

“Why you keep on drinking by yourself? You know that you can count with us…don’t you?” Just stop, please I just…why can’t you see that I want to be left alone?!

“You heard the news?” [Sigh] I guess she will keep on talking if I don’t answer. But how can I? when I feel so breathless. I feel as if I’m not here anymore, as if I’m an outsider watching everything happen.

“I guess everything will be even harder now. Everyone will question us even more…” Question us? More like hunting us “…are you ok?...” No I’m not, I’ll never be ok.

“…I know that this must be hard for you but…” “NO! You don’t! Don’t say that you understand when you don’t!” Even if she was the only one that knew about my feelings, how can she said that she understands when she hasn’t been in my shoes.

“Tae I just…I’m worried about you, I…” “STOP! Just stop! Stop asking me if I’m ok when it’s clear that I’m not…I just don’t want to talk about it. I just want to be left alone…so please…go”

Pity, that’s the last thing I want for her to look at me like. I’ve been pitting myself long enough for someone else to do the same. “Just go Sunny, I’ll be fine…” I think “…I just need time” But really how much time?

[Phone ringing] Message: You have another comment on your post.

STOP IT! If they "know" how I feel then why don’t they just STOP?! Why they keep on torturing me putting comments on my Instagram saying how much they believed in TAENY, how much the news hurt them and so on, why they keep on reminding me that all the stupid "proofs" that I made about TAENY are just a bunch of crap.

I know I’m the one to blame, after all I was the one that tried to make everyone believe that we were real, so that they could convince us of the same…or more like convince her. I wanted for her to believe in us, in the special bond that we had…but at the end of the day that only caused me more pain.

If only I didn’t screw of; if only… 

“You could be happy

I won't know

But you weren't happy

The day I watched you go”

…I wasn’t so stupid; if only I wasn’t so afraid…then maybe our story will be different.

I remember how she always talked about him with a huge smile on her face. A smile so big that hurt me so much to look at.

I remember how my heart beat so fast whenever she embraced me and how I broke down when I saw her talking to him on the phone.

I know that I was selfish when I forbade her to date him, always telling her that WE couldn’t betray our fans, that WE had to focus on our careers and if he loved her then he would wait. I know that my actions broke our relationship since we started to fight really often…we started to separate, but somehow I knew that at the end of the day she would always come back to me…

…until now, and I’m the one to blame. I screw things up big time, I ran away instead of confessing when I still had a chance, I left her and hide like the coward I am instead of fighting for her… I just walked away.

I remember when the girls started dating I could see confusion in her face, after all why would I allow them to date and not her. I know I hurt her by my actions, I was…correction I’m her best friend but still I didn’t support her like I did with the rest. I didn’t jump happily with her when she finally got together with her perfect man. I was mean, ruthless and a . I was just trying to don’t get hurt, but I hurt her in the process of protecting myself…

…and therefore I lost her.

“And all the things

That I wished I had not said

Are played on loops

Till it's madness in my head”

I remember clearly how much she cried when I told her that he didn’t love her, that he was just using her, that he was so fake that I couldn’t believe how she didn’t see it. And instead of yelling at me, instead of fighting back she just broke down in front of me.

I remember how badly I wanted to hug her and ask for forgiveness but my heart didn’t let me, there was no turning back, I knew I couldn’t have her, that all that had ever happened was an illusion. So I was going to try to forget about her, about my feelings…even If it meant to destroy what we had. It was like I wanted for her to hate me so the process of healing will be so much easier.

But no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard and mean I was to her, she would always prove me that she was and still is the only one, my other half, my soul mate, my all.

She kept on relying on me despite my harsh words, she kept on searching for my advice even If I were to insult her boyfriend, and she kept on smiling even when I made her cry. And that is when I realized how terrible I am, for wanting to be fine even if it meant to hurt the one I love.

I guess I forgot who I was in the process of trying to forget about her.

 I wish…

 “Is it too late to remind you?

How we were

But not our last days of silence

Screaming, blur”

…I could erase my mistakes and go back to the moment when everything was ok. Before I became an ; a selfish idiot that used her as a punching bag.

I wish I could go back…

To the moment when she couldn’t sleep without me whenever there was a storm. To the moment when I was the first one she looked out for. To the moment when all her smiles were made by me. To the moment when I would never dared to make her cry. To the moment when I had the chance of confessing…of telling her the three words that would probably free me from this limbo I’m in right now.

I wish I could go back to the moment when I told her "I love you like a sister" an erase the last three words. I wish I could be braver, more honest …

“Most of what I remember

Makes me sure

I should have stopped you from walking

Out the door”

…I wish I could be the one she loves.

I remember how happy I felt whenever our fans screamed TAENY, how happy I was to log into Instagram and search comments about us.

I remember how every fan made video about us showed the special bond we have. We barely talk but I understood her completely just by looking into her eyes.

I know that there is no point in remember all our past moments since I can help but regret my actions, or better said my lack of actions. I know it’s all over now but I just wish thing were differently.

I should have done something to keep her with me; I should have told her something instead of expecting for her to understand my true feelings.

I should stop mourning over something that never happen and star to move on. I should …

“You could be happy

I hope you are

You made me happier

Than I'd been by far”

…have learned when to let go.

“Tae?...”[Knock on the door] “Can I come in?”

NO! I’m not ready to face her.

“Tae?” [Sigh] I guess this is now or never“…yeah…come in Tiffany…”

“Tiffany??...Tae is everything ok…did…” Crap, I hurt her again I can see it in her eyes. I’ve stopped calling her affectively when she started dating him and I know how much it hurt her when I say her whole name instead of Fany or Ppany. But it was my selfish way of detaching myself from her…it was my way on trying to forget.

“Sorry, I was just thinking…” More like remembering the I’ve been.

“Did the news bother you?” No, the news just broke the little pieces of my heart that were glued together.

“No, it’s just…I’m a little bit disappointed…I thought I told you to be more careful!!!” And here I’m again yelling at her, hurting her and being so harsh with her, only to let go a little bit of the pain I’m feeling. I see her eyes are starting to form tears and I just…I did it again, didn’t I? I hurt the one I love. I really don’t deserve her do I?

“I’m sorry Fany-ah, please don’t cry I’m just…” Broken “…under a lot of stress and I’m worried about you and I…I don’t want anyone to hurt you” Yeah right, I’m such a hypocrite since I’m the one who has been hurting her all this time.

“I’m sorry Tae, believe me I tried to be discrete but I don’t really know how it happened…I guess I was having so much fun that I forgot about the paparazzi” There…another piece of my heart that gets broken because of her words.

“Were you really that happy that forgot about the rest of the world?”

 “What? I…why do you…”

“Does he make you happy?”

[Silence]

“Somehow everything

I own smells of you

And for the tiniest moment

It's all not true”

Please say no

“Yes…” Then…I got no choice but to move on...I got no choice but to bury my feelings really deep down.  

“Are you mad? Do you hate me for being so careless?” How can I hate you…when I love you so much?

“I’ll never hate you Fany-ah…” I’ll always love you “…I was just shocked by the news…but everything will be alright” I guess

“I don’t think so, fans won’t like it they will hate me!” …probably they will hate you now just like I did but eventually they’ll accept your relationship… I’ll accept it

“Hey don’t worry about it…we’ll figure it out” We’ll heal, ‘because even if reality hurt us, we’re going to be alright…

 “Do the things

That you always wanted to

Without me there to hold you back

Don't think, just do”

…we just need time

“Just don’t over think ok; fans will eventually be ok with it. Remember it happened to Sooyoung and Yoona so…it’s going to be ok” I’m going to be ok

“How can you be so sure?”

“I’m not...” since I don’t think I can survive without you

“…but we can only have faith” I can only hope and pray that my heart will heal, that someday and somewhere someone else will be able to mend my broken heart, that someday I will be able to glue the pieces back together and that I will be able to smile so brightly like I did when I was by your side

[Silence]

“More than anything

I want to see you girl

Take a glorious bite

Out of the whole world”

“You’re amazing Fany-ah and you deserve the best…” Even if I’m not the best for you “…so it doesn’t matter if there are a few obstacles along the way. You can do it! ...” I can do it “…you also have him to help you through” He’ll love you the way that I do, it’s so obvious by the way he looks at you…I can see it clearly now

“You’ve taken one step forward to be completely happy so don’t hesitate, be brave and never stay wondering "What if?" ‘cause believe me the uncertainty will kill you”

“And what about you…will you help me too? Are you going to stay by my side?” “Of course…I will always be there for you ‘cause I…” Love you “…am your best friend”

“Everything will be ok, we are going to be ok…” I’ll eventually be ok “…as long as we have each other nothing will stop us”

“Thank you Tae” No, thanks to you for showing me the beauty and sadness of Love. “No problem Fany-ah, remember the sky is the limit, don’t ever let your fears stop you from reaching your own happiness” ‘cause believe me, being a coward only brings you sorrow.

“I love you Tae!”

“I …”

I won’t be selfish anymore; ‘cause looking back in time I finally found out that I love her so much that I’m willing to let her go if that means she’ll be happy. And even if she gets hurt and her heart gets broken into pieces like mine, I’ll help her to glue it back together even if she’ll be giving it to someone else…’cause love means to know when to let go.

“…I love you too Fany-ah”