The hole in my heart still remains, even after four full months. My heart can’t seem to understand my loss, I am lost in the dark, with no idea how to find the exit again. Why must I feel this pain? Why did you have to leave? Why didn’t I have the guts to tell you my feelings sooner, before it was too late?

These questions have been pestering me, every single day, every minute, every waking second I was thinking of you. I lay on my bed, listening to the sounds of the night, the snoring of my tired members, but I couldn’t find the mercy of falling asleep. The thought of your last words pestering my mind, “I love you too.” I should be sleeping, tomorrow is yet another day of performing and putting on smiles in front of the camera’s. B.A.P recently continued our schedules, and we were promoting our fifth song already. I couldn’t believe this was actually the first day I had been on stage since you went away.

“Why, why did you have to leave me?”

~~~

Day by day I feel stronger. The times I am ‘awake’ happen more often too, and slightly my hopes begin to rise. I can’t stop thinking about how it would be to be able to walk over the streets again, just breathing in fresh air. This thought keeps me going, every day of disappointment when I’m unable to give my mother, the nurse or the doctors any sign what so ever. Each time mom holds my hand now, I try to move my fingers, just an inch, enough to let her know. Let her know I am still here, and I’m listening to her. Every time the nurse or doctor checks up on me, I try to let them take notice of my improvement, but all my efforts go unnoticed.

I slowly regain my feeling of the time flow. I recall mom telling me it would be my birthday soon, so it must be late in June already. If that’s right, about four months have passed since my surgery. Since I’m am more aware of my surroundings I get bored a lot more too. All day laying around without anything to do is no fun, I can tell you that. After about one week since I heard mom say it was almost my birthday, I manage to make some improvement. Though it wasn’t with anyone present to take notice of it, I am able to slightly twitch my finger. Only this small movement feels already so heavy and tiring, that I need the next hours to regain my strength.

During those long hours of waiting, waking and practicing, my thoughts wander, far away from the hospital bed. To the sunny mornings I spend with my friends, going to school and fooling around with them. The times before my debut, the times I was able to live my life without worries. Suddenly I long for that life, the ordinary teenager. But while I long for that, my heart throws a brick at me, a brick with Yongguks face. If I’d go back to those days I wouldn’t see him ever again, neither would I see Baekhyun. Slightly offended by my own thoughts, how can I think of Yongguk before Baekhyun? My boyfriend… or former boyfriend? I’m so confused, unable to find refuge from my own thoughts.

~~~

I sigh, feeling my mood sink again. I just couldn’t look at Romy’s face anymore, how could I just act like everything was normal and smile at her lifeless body while I chatted the morning away? The doctors were saying they were afraid that if Romy remained in coma for much longer real damage would be inflicted on her body, and her brain. Unreversible damage. There she lay, looking sweet and peaceful, like always. I slumped down in my usual seat. “Hi Lian.” Somehow I couldn’t call her by her real name, she would always stay Lian, member of my group to me. Member of the first group I was able to manage. “Lian, please, if you can hear me, let me know.” Tears started dripping over my cheeks, the feeling of despair and loss growing inside me. I held her hand to my face, clutching it as I sobbed.

“Lian,” I managed to get through my throat, “The doctors say, that if you don’t wake up soon, they don’t know if you will.” I couldn’t suppress another sob, “Ever.” Suddenly my head shot up, and with disbelieve I stared at my hands, and the hand in between them. “My mind is playing tricks…” I whispered, “it can’t be…” Yes it can! I saw it with my eyes. I saw what my hand felt a few seconds ago, Lian’s fingers, they twitched. “Omo, Lian?! You can hear me? Don’t leave!” I dropped her hand back onto the mattress and hurried to the door. When I reached the hallway, I saw a nurse at the end and I yelled.

“Hold on! Call the doctor! Lian! She.. She.. She’s waking up!”

~~~

“Damn what does she want?” I murmur furiously as I turn around the corner, swiftly glancing over my shoulder, at the girl who has been following me for about 10 minutes right now. I had been planning to head up to the roof, to think. Only thinking about heading up to the roof brought back memories, I had followed after Lian when she headed up to the roof, and I had been waiting in the shadows of the stairs, when Yongguk followed her up too. I remained silent, curious what they were planning. In the end Yongguk had offered, or rather pushed her, into training together at composing at TS. At that time I hadn’t been sure why Lian was acting the way she did. I was oblivious to her feelings for him, blinded by my own feelings for her.

I shrugged off the memories as I stopped in my track, and turned to face the girl. She almost bumped into me. Aish, what is it with girls and clumsiness these days?! I squinted my eyes as I took my time to take in her face. Indeed she was beautiful, but that was so overrated, more ever if you saw the same kind of beauty 24/7. I vaguely remembered her to be one of my sunbae’s, if I remember correctly from Miss A. Slightly bowing to her, not taking my eyes of her for a second, I ask, “Hello, is there something you want to ask me?” For a moment she seems shocked by my direct way of addressing her, but she soon recovers, and I notice she holds herself with more confidence and maturity now. “Actually yes, but I doubt you will answer my question right now.” Damn, why doesn’t she just cut to the case? But my curiosity wins it from my foul mood, and I reply, “If you don’t ask it we won’t be sure about my answer either.” She her head to one side, and suddenly she smiles.

“Nice to meet you, my name is Fei, and I’m the leader of Miss A.” curious about the direction this conversation is headed I decide to play along. “Nice to meet you too Fei, my name is Baekhyun.” I hesitate, “I was actually heading to the roof, so it was nice to meet you.” I turn on my heals, continuing my way up to the roof. I am in desperate need of fresh air. After this weird girl, and even weirder conversation I feel like I am losing myself. Quickly pacing my way down to the staircase, I hurry up the stairs, and when I throw the door to the roof open, I take a deep breath. Fresh air, she used to love coming up here. I lean against the fences surrounding the rooftop, and continue to take deep breaths while I gaze up at the sky. “Are you watching over me?”

“Who is watching over you?” A smooth woman’s voice asks. My head jerks up, and a frown forms when I recognize the girl as Fei. “You followed me?” “Yes, I love the breeze up here, you too?” I shake my head, unbelievable this girl. When I continue to gaze up at the sky she sits down beside me, and looks up too. “Beautiful view isn’t it?” I don’t reply,  “When I look up here, I feel so small en insignificant. It’s a great way to get your priorities strait.” She continues. When I really can’t ignore her anymore, I look down at her. Still sitting beside me. “Why did you follow me?” She looks genuinely surprised, “We hadn’t finished our conversation yet.” “Bwoh?” She ignores my response, “What I wanted to ask. Why do you have that distant and sad look in your eyes?” She looks up, meeting my eyes, curiously examining my expression, as if it told her a lot. I look away, carefully studying the gravel we are sitting on. When our silence continues she suddenly laughs softly, and lifts herself up from the ground. “You don’t have to tell me yet, you’re not ready. ” She pats off the dust on her cloths, and looks down at me, “You can’t tell me when you trust me, see you next time, chingu.” And with that she leaves just as silent as she arrived, gracefully hopping down the stairs.

“Chingu?”

~~~***~~~

So… How did you like this chapter? Baekhyun and Yongguk are both so sad T^T

But! There will be light for them at the horizon!

Enjoy the chapter, and subscribe and comment to let me know what you thought of the first chapter~

<3