“Unnie~”, Yoona said. “We’re going out. Do you want to come?”

“Aniyo. I’ll just stay here,” Taeyeon said. She was staying at one of the dressing rooms. They were having a break from practice.

“Yah! Taeyeon-ah. Relax a little. Stop all the drama,” Sunny exclaimed.

“Yeah unnie. This isn’t like you,” Seohyun said quietly.

“I’m just tired you guys,” Taeyeon smiled timidly.

When the girls have gone, she wandered aimlessly towards the comfort room. She splashed some water on her face to wake herself up but it did no good. She still wasn’t in any shape to be happy.

I’ll only be gone for a while. I’ll be back.

She can hear his voice anywhere. Tears start to form in her eyes.

Yah! Don’t you wear revealing clothes in front of everybody; they might take advantage of you since I’m not here. Everybody needs to realize that you’re not available.

She chuckled. Oppa. I think everybody knows that already.

Ever since he went away, she was never seen in revealing clothes. She didn’t wear shorts to everyday performances. She couldn’t do much to their concert clothes but she tried her best. She didn’t wear gowns that were revealing. She’d wear pants when she’s in the airport.  

Oppa. I’ve been a good girl. She took out her iPod and searched for his song. With his voice singing in her ear, she closed her eyes and let herself get lost in their memories.

She remembered the time they had their biggest fight. It was when he accepted that We Got Married project.

“You already told me you were going to the army, now you’re telling me you’ll be spending most of your time with another girl?! Yah Park Jungsoo! Do you want to die?!”

“Yeobo. It’s not that. Super Junior needs more advertising. You know I’m the only one who can do this.”

“And you didn’t even bother discussing this with me?!”

“I knew you wouldn’t agree. And anyways, you also went on We Got Married, didn’t you?”

“But that was before we got together! Plus, it’s with an old guy! Not with a pretty actress!”

“Yeobo~ calm down,” Leeteuk enveloped her in his arms. “You know you’re the only girl I want to get married to.”

“Tell that to all the girls you said you’ll marry,” she pouted.

“Like you said, that was before we got together. Everything changed after you said yes.”

The door opening brought her back to reality. Tiffany came in bringing food.

“Tae-tae!” she called happily. “Let’s eat. I know you haven’t eaten yet.”

She smiled and got up. She didn’t want to ruin Tiffany’s bubbly mood.

“We’ll be having lots of show guestings soon. You have to lose all those eye bags,” she babbled on. “You should try this cream I’m using. You put it on at night and it just works wonders.”

Taeyeon merely smiled at her and picked at her food.

“Yah Taengoo. That’s not the way to treat your food.” Tiffany looked at her with her hands on her hips.

“I’m sorry Fany. I really don’t have an appetite right now.”

“Kim Taeyeon, if you feel sad, talk to us about it. We know how hard this is for you. If you want to cry, just cry. We’re for you,” Tiffany said holding her hand. She pulled Taeyeon into an embrace and her hair. “Stop acting tough.”

With that, she cried her heart out. She hadn’t told anybody about any of her feelings. She couldn’t act weak in front of the members. Not when they were finally getting all these attention. She acted tough in front of everybody, performing all the same, receiving awards like there was nothing wrong. But when she was out of all those attention, she remained silent, like all of the life in her had been drained.

His departure proved to be harder on her than she can imagine. She wanted to go visit him every day but her schedule does not permit her to do so. She became even more depressed because of this and her members are starting to notice.

She let go of Tiffany and gave her a smile. Tiffany winked at her and smiled her famous eye smile. She was grateful Tiffany was here. Maybe a little TaeNy can help her get through this.

Slowly, she was beginning to cope up with all the depression. She didn’t cry that much anymore. She let herself be happy. She started going back to her old ways. But all of her sadness relapsed when she secretly visited him in the army. Although Yoona and Donghae was there with her, she couldn’t help but cry when she saw him again. The whole visit, she was holding on to him, as if holding on to her life.

When the Radio Star shooting came, she was on one of her depressed state once again. She wasn’t talking to anybody and she stayed mostly at the dressing room, listening to some music.

When the recording came, she talked less than she used to. It was like she wasn’t part of the recording at all. She laughed at the right times and commented when asked, but the emotions did not really reach her eyes.

Sunny, who was sitting beside her, couldn’t take it anymore. She hated seeing Taeyeon like this. On one of the times they weren’t focused at, she whispered to Taeyeon, “Lighten up a bit.”

Taeyeon smiled at her and began to be conscious of her actions. She knows Sunny was correct. She can’t bring the mood down. When the time for “I think it’d be nice for you to fix this” segment came on, she couldn’t help but look at her members. She knows that all of them wanted to say the same thing. What made the situation worse was that Sunny would be the one to say it to her. She braced herself for her message.

“Taeyeon, I wish you’d cut back on making yourself more depressed.”

She expected a lot worse. Tears start to form in her eyes but she stopped them. Not here. She has to control her emotions.

When she looked over at KyuHyun, he was looking at her as if to tell her that she should listen to Sunny. The other girls were looking at her intently as well.

“From now on, when you feel sad...come to me.”

She almost cried. She tried to joke around to hide her feelings. When she looked at the other girls, they were looking at her lovingly. She has to realize that she isn’t alone and that she ddidn’t have to get through this on her own.

Back at the dressing room, she cried to the girls like she never did before. These girls would be her supporting pillars. They would help her get through this, and the remaining 17 months she had to live without him.

Just as she arrived home, she was surprised when Seohyun sent a message to her.

Unnie. The other Unnies and I took this for you. You know we’re always here for you right? Please take care of yourself. When you feel sad, talk to us. We hate seeing you like this. We love you so much Unnie.

Since we’re going to go on tour soon, we thought we’d give you this. We hope it doesn’t make you sadder but instead, we hope this will serve as a motivator for you. Saranghae unnie. Fighting~

Attached to Seohyun’s message was a short recording. When she played it, his voice immediately brought tears to her eyes.

Kim Taeyeon. Taengoo. My Taengoo. Saranghae.