It’s been a year since I came back home here in Diamond Bar. Nothing’s changed, I am still with my gloomy heart and I believe the place I left would never do any difference life. She won’t be any difference without me, well maybe she is much happier now, I don’t know, but I sincerely hope she is. I could imagine how she smiles more with the one she loves and lives a happy life now, the life that I couldn’t give her no matter how many times or how much I tried. She never loved me after all.

I never believed in love at first sight until I met her. It sounded crazy but it just happened to me. I couldn’t get her out of my mind since the moment I laid my eyes on her. I tried to get to know her better. That was when I learned she had a boyfriend whom she loved so much. I also learned her father’s company was at the verge of bankrupt and I was willing to help with the name of my father's company, in just one condition, I wanted her.

Yes, she was forced to marry me.

I don’t know how her family convinced her, but I couldn’t thankful enough she finally agreed to the marriage. We signed our marriage in California since both of us were born American, and just as she wished, we moved to Korea where she liked to live and work. I promised myself that I will make her love me, will work hard for her to see me. I didn’t mind sleeping in a different room once we started living together until she finally open her heart.

I wanted her to be impressed by me, that’s why I didn’t hire a maid to do the house work. I was more than willing to do it myself, even there were days where I was so tired after work, I spared my time to do the laundry, washing and cleaning. I even did the cooking myself. I learned how to cook from TV so I can wake up early in the morning to greet her a simple breakfast, I took course on weekend too just to see her smile for a fabulous dinner. I would leave early from work to her work place just to hand her an umbrella and take her home if it was suddenly raining in the afternoon. I never left the house for work if she was sick. I did so many things I had never done before and I could even do more as long as she was with me, as long as I could see her every day.

My friends called me selfish, I didn’t care. I was growing to love her more and more each day. I wish I could show her more how much I care for her, but all I could see was just her faint smile. Sometimes things just get awkward as she didn't know how to react for what I’ve done to her. I could sense her smile was forced, or maybe she just pitied, I don't know. All I know it didn't make me feel comfortable.

That day, I wanted to give her a surprise, it was her birthday, I made a cake, bought a present, waited for her to come home. I saw she was coming out from a car I hadn't seen before. I could tell that this handsome guy who took her home quite interested in her. And so was she with a blushing shyly face, smiling brightly before bidding goodbye with him. Yes, she finally did that beautiful smile of hers, the smile I had been dying to see, but it wasn't for me.

I really thought if I worked much harder, she would at least like me just a bit, a little bit was enough, and I did, turned out that my heart never stopped breaking, piece by piece. I don't know how many times I picked up the pieces and formed it again and again.

Later then, I heard that she was slightly discriminated by her friends and some of her colleagues cause she was married with a girl. I guess in Korea, a girl girl relationship is quite unacceptable, and I didn’t expect to see her tears when she came home that night, still she didn’t say anything to me. I was mad at myself cause I couldn't do anything more. Even though I knew it from the start, she might never love me at all, that our marriage would cause her so much trouble. It shouldn't have hurt this much cause I had already expected, one day I have to let her go. Then why is this pain still unbearable?

She quit her job then, the job she used to love so much. I knew she had a hard time to get through this, that’s why I bought her favorite ddeokbokki to make her feel better, then i made my way going home. And there, December last year, I remembered it clearly, on the porch in my yard, she was hugging a guy that I didn't even want to know who it was. I saw her tears and knew she was crying. That was all I could take, realizing the fact that she wasn't happy, after 2 years, she was never happy with me. I ran from there, spending a week alone at a hotel to think, I saw a few messages from her worrying about me, and saying that she wanted to talk. I ignored everything, all I could do was cry, didn't know if I could shed anymore tears for her. That's when I called Taeyeon, my lawyer who happened to be my best friend also, to do me a favor.

Early in the morning I went home and placed a divorce paper on the table in my living room, all she had to do was just sign, and she'll be free. Taeyeon would handle the rest of it. I went to my room packing my things without breaking a single noise, carefully not to wake her up. The last thing I wanted to do was to watch her peacefully sleep looking before I closed the door and leave.

I came back home in Diamond Bar, started to isolate myself from the world, except for my family, I was glad they didn't ask much about my used to be marriage life, or about my ex wife Jessica.

I don't blame anyone. It was all my fault anyway, but I’ll never regret for trying, for loving, and I’m thankful enough she was willing to let me enter her life these 2 years for what I was surprised, cause I didn't expect it could last that long. For a straight girl like her, she really was that kind, kind enough for me forcing her breaking up with her boyfriend, and to marry me, a girl that she would forever never fall in love with.

Because I'm a girl.

 “You’re nice and sweet Tiff, if only you were not a girl... or... if only I was a guy...” Her words are still longing in my ears. All because of the reason that couldn’t be helped.

I wipe my tears as my thought was distracted by a doorbell ringing. I walk to the living room and realize my father and sister aren't there anymore; they probably went to the downtown buying things. They left me alone in home. The bell rang again, I quickly on my way to the front door, and there, I am a big surprised to see who it was....

TBC