I think at one point, all of us thought about quitting. About leaving all of this behind.

And one more time, I was reminded why.

I still had a major issue with our freedom being taken away. It was hard to handle. I couldn’t handle it as an immature youngster when I decided I would run away and, even though many years have passed by and now I was supposed to be a mature, grown-up woman, I was still struggling to fully accept it to this day. Of course, now, everything was different. There was no turning back anymore. Not with eight other sisters sharing the same fate as me, not with all the people working for and around us so hard, not with all those fans giving so much love and devotion to us that I didn’t even feel like we fully deserved it.

My body rested against the railing and I looked to the distance. Listened to the sound of the streets for a moment. Wishing I would've brought up an iPod or something instead of the alchohol-filled bottle in my hands.

“I friggin hate all of it right now. I only asked for a few hours. Who knows if dad will get better or worse… or maybe even worse than worse, by next Wednesday? By tomorrow morning, even.”

The ride to Jeonju and back was six hours. Just the ride in itself. “Maybe a bit quicker now, in the middle of the night. Let’s say five. We have a radio broadcast that I “absolutely cannot miss” in five hours.

Yeah, mom promised me to keep me updated but what’s that worth, really, if something really… bad happens?

I hate all of this right now.”

I sighed and took a few sips of the wine I smuggled up with me as I stormed up here, to the rooftop in fury, not wanting the others to see me cry. They knew my dad was not okay but I didn’t exactly emphasize how bad it was. It felt like I would just make it all the more serious if I did that.

The wine tasted good but it was almost lukewarm… much like the tears escaping my eyes now.

I just needed to calm down and collect my thoughts a bit. Right now, everything in me was in complete chaos, making my whole being rage and shout and scream in frustration… “Breathe in, breathe out. Come on, Kim Taeyeon. You can do this! You’re a good kid, Taeyeon, you have to have strength. Hwaiting, you can do this!” I wiped my tears away and sniffled.

Singing and performing is all I ever wanted to do and I would give up my life for it; well, I actually did, quite a long time ago now. But it comes with so many sacrifices… “I’m sure I couldn’t do this alone.” I sighed. “Not without creating this family around me to substitute my real one, not without eight other people sharing all my pain and joy. I’m sure I couldn’t do this alone.”

I felt selfish and irresponsible in every way possible right now, thinking about my real family and thinking about my members.

Some fresh tears wet my face again and my nose was running. I had no tissue with me so I just wiped it on the sleeve of my hoodie and sniffled one more time.

With three to four events a day, little quick interviews shoved in-between and only a very small amount of time and opportunity left for eating and sleeping, with having to change in our vans and looking out sharply for every chance we could catch a toilet, it was a fully packed schedule we had once again. Outside of the variety and radio shows, and the little half-practiced conversations at concerts and interviews, we didn’t even have the chance to talk to each other with the members.

Sometimes, I felt like we didn’t even have the chance to think about what we were doing, like some sleepwalker trespassing through the dark, without their malfunctioning brain actually knowing what’s happening in reality. Or better yet, like the exhausted office worker who put aside all the papers too hard to handle for their tired brain and just let it all pile up, until one day, he’d get too frustrated with all the paperwork and just rip them all to tiny shreds, messy scribbles disrupting the neat typewriting, some parts crumbled, some parts lost, some maybe even singed slightly in an angry fire.

This is where I was right now. But the office worker will still have to deal with the piled up paperwork sometime. And so did I.

Events. Events. Events.

I scratched the paper s around the wine bottle.

When we weren’t participating in any of those, we were usually practicing, studying scripts, looking up reviews, monitoring ourselves… But I was so glad that we were all there for each other though all of this. They made it seem way easier, way more fun… I can’t ever thank them enough for just being there.

I know, for a fact, that none of us could do this alone.

Finally, at the end of the day though, we all just wanted a little time by ourselves.

“Just five more minutes and I’ll go back down, please just give me five more free minutes, please, without cameras, without schedules, without forced smiles and practiced lines, without anybody but the cold night air and me.” I was pleading. Probably to God. Then I heard the door to the rooftop open behind me.

I didn’t even want to look back to see who it was, but I supposed manager oppa noticed my absence by now.

The steps came nearer, the confident but light sounds of a pair of trainers hitting the ground repeatedly. Hearing that, I was pretty sure this wasn’t him after all.

Another two sips of the wine. Looking down at my hands cradling the bottle.

From the corner of my eye, I saw another pair of hands appear beside mine, nails nicely manicured. I really liked those silvery sparkles on it.

And she was probably the next best thing to being left alone right now.

Tiffany was glaring at me but I just kept my eyes firmly on the bottle.

She sighed. “I know, Fany, I know. Just five more minutes and I’ll be okay. Please.” Her left hand peeled my right off of the now almost warm glass surface and gripped it tightly and reassuringly. I looked down at the lights, the streets, the cars below us.

‘You know, you shouldn’t make it a habit to use alcohol as a solution,’ Fany scolded, her gaze still on me. Then she took my bottle and gulped down some of the lukewarm liquid, making me finally look at her.

Her face was slightly red, her hair pulled in a somewhat disheveled ponytail, leaving some soft strands fall out from the grip of the hairband. Her eyes looked tired with all the make-up removed by now, but there was a gleam behind her gaze that made me want to give a pathetic attempt for a smile as she handed back the bottle, smiling at me.

We then took sips of the wine in turns. Fany sighed.

I felt the cold breeze that was coming now, giving me goose bumps, my skin slightly sweaty from the practice from earlier.

My brain was on overdrive but I needed to calm down, and soon. Fany’s presence helped a lot, but in such a situation, even being together did not make all troubles seem to disappear.

‘I’m not good at giving those speeches,’ she let out a helpless and almost completely soundless laugh. Instead, she my hand with her thumb running across my skin as another sign of reassurance.

“It’s okay,” I thought. “You just being here is good enough for now.”

Then I wondered how she knew I was here. I turned my head towards her, ready to voice out my question, but just as I felt my eyebrows furrow together and my lips form an O, she said ‘We always used to come here, back when we were trainees and needed a good cry.’

Yeah, everyone did. There were times when I came up here just so I could be alone in my moment of weakness but instead found two other girls crying on the rooftop with another trying to console them. Boys were just the same.

And so, I preferred the Han river. I watched how the mass of water swallowed my dropping tears and sometimes even wondered if it would swallow my body so seamlessly, too.

“One, two, three, four.” I swallowed, and handed the bottle to Tiffany again. She drank some more and the bottle was finished. It wasn’t full already when I brought it up, it was a leftover from the drinks we had earlier, but I was still surprised at how quickly you could consume such a thing when you really felt desperate.

It was my turn to sigh deeply.

Several long moments dragged by in a seemingly sluggish pace but I still didn’t feel ready to go back.

‘Come to me,’ her voice gently seeped its way through the silence of the night as she started singing. ‘I’ll take care of you… protect you… calm, calm down…’ I found some kind of a softness in her singing that I usually wouldn’t. Most of the time, she was too focused on the notes, the way she would shape or the intensity with which she wanted to bring out the voice from . ‘You’re exhausted,’ I think I only heard her sing like this before… when she was singing to her mother. It gave me a really warm, really soothing feeling. ‘Come, lie down.’ I laid my head on her shoulder and closed my eyes, forgetting for a moment about everything else in this world except the soulful, heart-trembling voice that softly penetrated my ears. ‘You don’t have to explain. I understand.’

My breathing calm and labored, I let myself sink into her… I let my soul sink into hers for a moment, just getting rid of my burdens and doubts and pain for a second there, on the rooftop, with me, and her, and her singing.

As she took a breath, I unconsciously inhaled as well, and hearing our synchronized intake of air, I thought, “We are more than lovers ever could be. We are more than that because we are just not that. We are unexplainable by simple words. No dictionary or encyclopedia would ever have a definition for this. And it’s just how it should be.”

As this painstakingly beautiful realization hit me… no, to be honest, it felt more like it flowed through me… a lone tear made its way down my cheek, until it stopped its road on the edge of the bridge, my chin, waiting to be either caught or fall freely into the deep.

I felt a single cold fingertip on my jaw. Tiffany always had bad circulation. But her cold touch felt strangely hot against my warm skin as she slid her finger along my jawline just to eventually wipe the droplet of tear away from my chin as it hung on its last lifeline, ready to take the jump.

I never even noticed when she stopped singing.

I looked up at her then. She was such a beautiful person. In that moment, more than any time before.

The wind blew our hair wildly, and a lot of it landed in our faces. I freed my hand of hers to sweep away mine and Fany did the same. My eyes followed her fingers.

But a strand of hair kept insisting to take its unrighteous place on Tiffany’s face, softly hitting her cheek every now and then, so I raised my hand to tuck it behind Tiffany’s ear.

Slowly, her lips spread into a warm smile, her eyes sparkled and the city lights painted her face rather soft and innocent-looking. The pinkish tint on her face that was caused by the heat of the dance practice has disappeared by now and was replaced by a faint rosy hue coloring her cute button nose. The wine.

Like the waves of a sinus curve, her beaming smile disappeared in a pace just as slow as it brightened up her features a moment ago as I lowered one hand beside my body, the other propped against the cold surface of the flat metal railing.

We’ve been silent for a long time now but neither of us complained.

The thought of cracking a joke to make the atmosphere less serious, to make her unable to stare into my soul, did not even come close to turn up in my mind. It just didn’t feel necessary.

Fany slowly leaned in.

I wished I was taller.

I could feel her breath mingling with mine for a fraction of a second before my lips got gently trapped between hers.

She on my upper then lower lip firmly, but not too firmly, before making way into my mouth by pushing her tongue between my parted lips. I inhaled shakily and—

‘What the—’

‘Oh. My. God. This can’t be real.’

‘Oh my…’

Three voices intruded the perfect concert consisting of silence and the ringing sound of our lips’ movements against each other. It was abruptly ended by a messy and disorganized clatter of all the instruments in the hall - our mouth being torn off the other’s.

“Oh, great, now I know what my night was missing. A little more drama. Just wonderful.”

‘Ah, sh*t…’ It was a rare occasion to hear Tiffany Hwang swear but when she did, it was usually in English. She used to swear more when she came here, always in English. She changed a lot over the times… Then again, I did too.

Strangely enough, I felt more composed than any time before, a nice contrast to my behavior from earlier, when I saw three shocked faces in the doorway leading up to the rooftop. Jessica, Sooyoung and Yuri stood frozen.

I did, too, as soon as I turned around, and I felt Tiffany stiffen up by me as well.

It never really hit me before that if they ever found out about us doing this, whatever it was, they might misunderstand. Their expression right now, though, was enough to make me realize that they thought they had just discovered a big secret we’ve been hiding from them, like a relationship, let’s say.

That wasn’t the case though.

‘Umm…’ I started after what seemed like several long minutes even though they were probably a mere awkward seconds. ‘I know this sounds stupid and all but… it’s really not what you think.’

‘Well, it sure looks like we just caught you two kissing on the rooftop,’ Jessica folded her arms and threw her head tilted to the left, as if she was some mother scolding a child.

‘Yeah, well, then it’s kind of what you think,’ I grinned a bit awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck and looking at the asphalt floor, or rather roof, for a lack of better things to look at, just so that I wouldn’t have to meet their questioning gazes. ‘But it’s—’

‘Since when has this gone on between you two?’ Sooyoung’s eyes were still wide as I looked back at her.

‘Umm… I don’t know…’ I honestly replied. ‘A few months?’ I turned to look at Fany for help.

‘Yeah… uhh…’ she seemed a bit disoriented. ‘Four months ago… was the first time…’

‘Oh, wow,’ Sooyoung replied.

I heard Yuri murmur to herself. It seemed like she had something to say but was trying to gather her thoughts, her words together before doing so.

Jessica started tapping her feet meanwhile.

‘But it’s not like we’re to—’

‘Unnies, Hyoyeon unnie said we should—’ Seohyun appeared in the doorway and she didn’t notice the blatantly tense situation right in front of her until Sooyoung raised a hand to stop her talking.

‘We’ve got something serious to discuss here,’ she said.

‘No, it’s—’ Fany interrupted, but maknae was too worried to wait for the situation to explain itself.

‘What is it?’ she asked on a low and scared tone.

“Now, they’re really making an unnecessarily big deal out of this,” I thought, even though in a similar situation, I probably would’ve reacted the same way too.

‘These two just sneaked up here so that they could be kissing instead of—’

Maknae’s eyes widened and were now as huge as saucers. “I wish I had such big eyes. Like manhwa characters. Or those western people with those exotic, big sparkly blue eyes.” Her jaw dropped as if on command, too.

‘What???’

‘Okay, guys, will you just let me explain?’ Tiffany finally said.

‘Unnie, did you and Taeyeon unnie really… you know…?’

‘Kiss just now? Yes. But you’re all taking this the wrong way. I mean, we’re not together or anything,’ she explained. ‘It’s not like that.’

I was relieved that they finally let her speak and we got that out of the way at least.

‘Okay,’ Jessica replied.

‘So… ’ I continued. ‘It’s nothing serious, really, and it’s not like we do this all the time either, right, Fany?’

She nodded her head and the others were focusing on our words intently.

‘Then… when do you do it?’ Yuri suddenly spoke. ‘I mean, when did you do it? How many times did it happen?’

‘Just a few and… when… when I… umm… I guess… when we feel like it… ahh, this is just…’ Tiffany sighed in exasperation. ‘Okay. Guys. Really. You’re making this much more awkward than it should be.’

I just kept turning my head from here to there and saw that the members’ initially shocked expressions have now turned much more… confused and… they had this look that made me feel kind of weird, too.

‘Really? I think you’re making this awkward for yourselves,’ Jessica replied, shrugging.

Seohyun appeared to be deep in thought. Conflicted.

“What else could be said? What did they want us to say? Why can’t we just go back down and continue things where we left off instead of just standing here uselessly?”

In the slightly windy and cold autumn night, with my training clothes still a bit wet, I started to feel the need to go to the bathroom too.

‘What else do you want us to say?’ I inquired, not knowing what else to do.

After a short pause, ‘are you, unnies, in love with each other?’

Straight to the point. Should have known maknae would not hesitate to ask.

‘No,’ I replied. It was as simple as that. I mean, it’s not like it hasn’t crossed my mind that there could be more to this, but there wasn’t. Tiffany and I, we were… just… a special case. Right?

‘You’re both girls though…’ Yuri said half-loudly but the space was filled with so much silence, it was more than easy to hear every word.

It was only then that it really dawned on me. The weirdest thing about this is not that we’re just casually making out from time to time as friends... We’re both girls. That’s something I didn’t really give much thought to before.

‘Yeah,’ I heard Tiffany say. ‘That’s why it’s not—’

‘You guys, I know, it’s weird… but it’s… you don’t need to overthink it,’ I finally burst out, repeating the same line I heard from Tiffany about four months ago when I probably had the same shocked, then confused and weird look on my face as them. ‘It’s just kissing. Right, Fany?’ I turned to her again, asking for confirmation so that the others would see that we were on the same page.

‘Yeah,’ she repeated.

‘Well,’ Sooyoung spoke, ‘it’s kind of hard not to over-think it when you say you’ve been doing this several times before and we see the way you usually act with each other—’ I knew someone would bring that up, I knew it. And I rolled my eyes on instinct.

‘Okay, that’s enough.’ I was surprised at Jessica’s sudden intervention. ‘If they say that’s all there is to it, then it’s their business. We’ll talk about it later, we need to go back.’

‘Well,’ Sooyoung looked as though she was ready to protest but Sica’s glare seemed to stop her. ‘… as long as you’re really not in a relationship… I guess so…’ she finally said but I knew she was curious and was itching to know more.

‘But if you do get into a relationship, we have a pact, remember?’ Seohyun said. ‘Please keep to that, unnies, okay? It doesn’t matter if it’ll be a guy or… or anyone else, we still promised, right?’

Yes, we made a promise a long time ago that no matter what, we would tell each other if we dated anyone. There were several reasons to do that and, although thus far there weren’t really many occasions, whenever we did date someone, all of us kept this promise.

I just nodded and Fany did the same.

‘Sure,’ I said. ‘But if our schedules continue to be like this, I doubt you will see me get into a relationship before I reach the ripe age of fifty,’ I joked, sighing, and it finally worked. The mood seemed to be less serious now and much, much less tense.

‘Okay, I guess… we’ll leave you guys here for a minute to sort things out a bit and… just come back soon, okay? No more making out for tonight!’ Sooyoung grinned and turned around, shaking her head. The others left with her and I heard them starting to talk as soon as the door was closed.

‘Well… that was really awkward,’ I finally turned to Tiffany. ‘Like really, really awkward. Way more awkward than I thought it would be.’

‘Yeah, I know,’ Fany shook her head.

I picked up the wine bottle and we started making our way towards the door too.

‘Hey,’ I nudged her arm. ‘Why so cheesy though?’ I grinned and she looked up at me.

‘Huh?’

‘The way we, you know… it… it was almost like a scene from a sappy drama,’ I chuckled. I couldn’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like, had we not been interrupted. ‘Good thing we weren’t at Namsan tower, it was alm—’

‘Yah!’ Tiffany crossed her arms and looked at me indignantly. ‘There was nothing sappy about it, my timing was perfect for your information!’

‘Really? How do you know?’

‘I just know,’ she huffed.

‘No, you don’t.’

‘Yes, I do.’ From the corner of my eye, I saw a grin on her lips.

‘No, you d—’

‘Would you have kissed me back if the timing was wrong?’ Oh. “Actually, if she didn’t tell me just now, I totally wouldn’t have remembered that I did kiss back. But now that she’s saying, yeah… Wow, I think I’m doing this too automatically now if I didn’t even notice I did it, aren’t I.”

‘Okay, you win,’ I said and felt a smirk grow on my lips as I remembered responding. If we could’ve just continued…

She gave me a wink and a playful smile played along her lips, then she burst into a full, gleaming smile, and took hold of my hand as we descended the stairs that led to the elevator.

While my brain traveled back to the pile of crumpled and burnt nasty scribbles, another thought suddenly nagged on me: “We might have to let go of each other’s hands once we get back to the practice room now.”

~~~
I've got a game for you guys: try to guess the three meanings behind the title of this chapter. ;) You might just get lucky and get a little prize if you do. ^^
If you're not interested in games, a simple comment will be just as nice to read so please do! ^__^

PS: Chapter 6 and 7 will be much shorter but will hold much importance!
PS2: Oh yeah, Sunny and Taeyeon still didn't get to talk about it so Tae is perfectly clueless about the fact that she already knows.
PPS: My favorite sentence in this whole chapter was:

"The wine."

;)