High above or somewhere behind

(Jiyong's P.O.V)

If anyone asked me, what it means to me to be happy, I’d say that just being near Seunghyun made me feel as if I was walking on air. It all seemed like a dream which let me understand how it is to be the luckiest person in the world - talking with him, drawing together, skipping classes and hiding in arts classroom where no one would disturb us. Not to mention being kissed by him - it was the best thing that had happened in my life. We hadn’t talked about the ‘letter incident’, how I called it in my mind, even if I wished we had. Seunghyun avoided the topic and I wasn’t courageous enough to ask him what it meant to him. By kissing me so suddenly he made me believe we were more than just friends, but I wasn’t sure he felt the same. He never tried to kiss me once more, but maybe it was because there was no good occasion for it. Or maybe he regretted giving me hopes? It was far too difficult to see though him, to guess what he was thinking about me. On the other hand, I didn’t know what I expected. Did I want him to tell me he loved me? I wasn’t sure myself, if it was love what I felt. Should we start going out? I felt embarrassed even thinking about it. I wouldn’t know how to behave, what to do… It was all too complicated! My faintheartedness wouldn’t let me make a move, so there was nothing left for me to do, but to wait and see what the fate would bring.

But it seemed that fortune was in my favour, because a week after we had got the results of the first stage of the competition and still didn’t come up with any ideas for the theme of the second stage, Seunghyun decided to take me somewhere, when we would finish classes on Friday afternoon. I was fidgeting in my chair the whole day, unable even to draw. I couldn’t wait for the last bell, when I would finally run to the school gate to meet Seunghyun. My thoughts drifted to the amazing evening we had spent at the ‘Land of sweets’ café and I was sure the place Seunghyun had chosen for today would be even better. When maths teacher announced she would let us go five minutes earlier, I almost wanted to kiss her wrinkled cheeks for joy. I was the first person who ran out of the classroom what really surprised the teacher. She got used to see me as the student who would always pack his things slowly and stay till the very end of the break. I laughed under my breath, dashing down the stairs. Seunghyun has really changed my ways.

I quickly entered the cloakroom and started struggling to put on my coat the fastest I could. I managed to do it surprisingly swiftly and moved on to tugging on my boots. When I was pulling the laces tight to tie them, I heard some voices in the distance. I straightened up at the sound of door creaking open and then familiar faces appeared in the doorway. My throat tightened, when Dongwook fixed his gaze on me. He frowned and then looked back at his friend, the guy with bags under his eyes they called Seungri, pretending he hadn’t seen me.

“I’ll be waiting outside,” he said, gritting his teeth and quickly grabbed his coat and darted out.

“Hyung, wait for me!” Seungri called after him, changing his shoes in a hurry and with his bag and coat tossed over his shoulder he started chasing Dongwook.

Normally, I should be surprised that they had left me alone in peace, but recently my every encounter with Dongwook looked exactly the same. He would rest his cold look on me, wince, then feign indifference and eventually disappear from my surrounding. It was like that thanks to Seunghyun who had ‘a talk’ with his brother and somehow convinced him to stop bulling me. When I asked him, what arguments he had used, he only smiled at me and said: “He really cherishes his position of a basketball team captain.”. I assumed that the headmaster had offered Seunghyun to take his brother’s place and he had rejected the proposition, but used it to become the Choi brother in control of the other. I was really grateful to Seunghyun, because now I could actually feel safe at school. However, there still was something worrying me. It was either because of Dongwook’s piercing gazes on my back or Seungri watching me with his tired eyes and following me, when I was alone in the corridors. I still couldn’t get rid of a feeling that it was impossible for Dongwook to give up so easily. I knew I should be pleased that my troubles with him suddenly ended, but I was afraid it was only the calm before the storm. I only hoped that Dongwook wasn’t planning his great comeback as my bully.

Whatever he was up to, it didn’t matter right now. I was going to spend the afternoon with Seunghyun somewhere, where neither Dongwook nor Seungri would see us. And it was a good reason to be in high spirits. Having finally managed to tie my shoelaces, I grabbed my bag and headed towards the main exit. I pushed the heavy door and my eyes closed because of the sudden brightness that struck them. Cold wind hit my face and I had to blink a few times to get used to the surrounding light. When I finally didn’t have to squint anymore, I made a careful step forward, trying not to slip on the ice-covered steps. I managed to go down with the help of freezing cold metal banister and looked around the school yard. It was covered with high drifts of fresh snow which were sparkling like piles of diamonds, illuminated by sunshine. Some other students were going home, but I didn’t recognize Seunghyun.

He must be still at school, I thought to myself and step by step started approaching the gate. I loved the sound of snow under my feet and fresh icy air filling my nose and lungs. Winter was my favourite season. I looked up at blue sky and smiled to myself. The weather was brilliant, even though it had been cloudy in the morning and I had been almost sure it would be snowing all day. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment, when suddenly something hit my arm. I jumped at sudden attack and looked around, but there was no one standing next to me. I glanced at my arm and saw some snow on my coat. Pouting, I shook it off and my action was followed by a peal of familiar laughter. I spun around to see Seunghyun with another snowball in his hands. He was smirking under his breath, his gaze locked on me.

“Don’t you dare do it,” I told him, crossing arms on my chest. Seunghyun giggled again and watched my feigned annoyance with pure amusement.

“As you wish,” he said, still smiling, and dropped the snowball which fell apart beneath his feet.

I nodded with satisfaction and watched Seunghyun come nearer.

“How was your day, Ji?” He asked in a soft voice and leant closer to me. He extended his hand and hugged me tenderly, but I didn’t have time to take pleasure in this sudden closeness, because I felt something cold on my neck. My eyes widened, when I realised that Seunghyun had taken advantage of my lack of attention and put some snow under my collar. Now he was shaking with laughter, happy that his action ended with success. I pushed him away and jumped back to grab some snow from the drift behind me, but when I straightened up, another snowball hit my face.

“Seunghyun!” I cried, rubbing off the snow from my cheeks. “It isn’t funny!”

In reaction I heard his giggles. “Believe me, it is!”

With that short sentence he made me that angry that I started chasing him all over the school yard, simultaneously trying to hit him with snowballs I was forming in my bare hands. Seunghyun only laughed at my attempts, making me even more worked up. After a few circles around the yard, I started being short of breath. I stopped for a while, resting my hands over my knees and breathed in and out with difficulty. Then a sudden idea struck my mind and I sneered to myself.

You will see who laughs last, Seunghyun!

I had enough practice to simulate problems with breathing after many times I had pretended to be ill not to go to school and acted my own tragedy drama in front of my mom and sister. This time was a bit harder, because I wasn’t lying in bed which always enabled me to present my skills fully, but I accepted this challenge and fitted in the new surrounding. I turned my strategy into action by drawing a deep breath and coughing loud, when cold air filled my lungs. I pressed my hand to my chest which was heaving convulsively. Still bowing, I forced some tears to fill the corners of my eyes and my shoulders shook. This short performance of my amazing acting skills was enough for Seunghyun to get my message, saying something is wrong with me’. He approached me quickly and put his hand on my back.

“Oi, Jiyong, everything’s alright?” He asked, fright hearable in his voice.

I nodded, but at the same time let out another series of coughs.

“Hey, hey,” he sounded utterly terrified now. “Look up,” he told me and I slowly obeyed his order. I set my watery eyes on his worried face, breathing in and out with long breaks.

“S-Seunghyun,” I gasped, my voice weak. It surprised even me - it sounded so realistic that I was extremely proud of myself. “I-I can’t- breathe-,“ I choked out and put my hands on his chest.

Seunghyun opened his mouth to say something, but I chose this moment to push him hard with all the power I had gathered in previous seconds. He sent me a shocked look, but his expression changed, when my lips twitched into a mischievous smile. It was a matter of milliseconds for him to realise that it was a part of the game and he managed to grab the collar of my coat and falling back, he pulled me together with him. Seunghyun sank in a high drift of snow and I landed on him, my face pressed to his shoulder. I quickly lifted my head to look at Seunghyun’s amused face.

“You should cast me in the next play you’d prepare with your theatre club,” I told him, smiling wide.

“Oh, surely I will,” he answered, narrowing his eyes and smirking. My heart banged hard in my chest as it always did, when Seunghyun made that expression. “But you know what?” He asked and I raised a brow questioningly, suddenly becoming aware of his tight grip on my arms. “I won’t let you claim victory in our little battle that easy,” he said, eyes locked on mine and suddenly rolled over on top of me. Even more snow found itself behind my collar, but I couldn’t complain because I was laughing too hard.

“What would you say now, hm?” Seunghyun looked down at me, his hands on both sides of my head. He held my gaze waiting for me to look away, but I had learnt to resist his piercing looks, even though they made me melt inside.

“That you’re heavy,” I replied, when he finally had to give up and blinked. I stuck out a tip of my tongue. “It seems that I’ll be the winner.”

I saw a familiar flicker in Seunghyun’s eyes which easily betrayed his ‘I’ll bury you alive’ intentions. He was about to voice this thought, but all of sudden we heard a grunt above us. I wasn’t able to see who had made that sound, because Seunghyun’s head was limiting my field of vision, but when he turned it to look at the person, I managed to notice the maths teacher with a concerned look on her face.

“It’s not kindergarten,” she stated. “We’re in high school, so please, pull yourself together and behave adequately to your age,” she summed up her thoughts and waited until Seunghyun rose to his feet and helped me stand up. Then she nodded with satisfaction and dashed towards the gate, making small steps not to slip on the frozen pavement.

We brushed off snow from our coats, both aware of several groups of freshman girls pointing at us with their fingers, giggling and whispering to each other. Heat crept up my neck and face, settling in my cheeks, when I realised what they were thinking. Seunghyun must have noticed my sudden abashment and did something that I would never expect from him in such situation. He caught my hand and pulled me closer so quickly that I couldn’t react. He put his arms around me, embracing me tenderly and started brushing off snow from my hair.

“What are you doing?!” I whispered, being far beyond my usual limits of embarrassment. Girls observing us started squalling and hopping at spots.

“Don’t you want to tease them a little?” he chuckled and started running his fingers on my cheeks. I wasn’t sure who he was actually teasing - me or them.

“Please, stop,” I choked out, even though I was taking so much pleasure in his gentle caresses. “I hate it when everyone is gawking at me.”

Seunghyun nodded and let me go, smile still dancing on his lips. I picked up my bag from the snowdrift and we started heading towards the road. Girls were sighing with disappointment, some started frantically telling what they had seen to the newcomers, their voices high and squeaky from excitement.

Everything is over know, so stop fangirling!, I screamed internally, hiding my face in my soaked scarf.

It might have been over for me, but not for Seunghyun. He didn’t like to leave his audience unsatisfied and proved it right before we left the school area. He stopped me exactly when I was about to set my foot behind the gate and again he took my hand and pressed it between his.

“Your fingers are freezing,” he said, looking me straight in the eyes. “You don’t have any gloves?”

I looked down, feeling so many gazes of anticipation on me, and slowly shook my head.

Seunghyun, I beg you…, I cried mentally, afraid of what he might do. My legs started trembling and I knew that it wouldn’t be any of the girls who would faint from arousal, but me.

My heart thumped hard in my ribcage, when Seunghyun slowly brought my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles one by one. His lips touching the cold skin on my palm almost made me swoon. I closed my eyes tight, mentally fighting to suppress my overwhelming emotions. Seunghyun finally reached my last knuckle and then threaded his fingers through mine, squeezing tight. He put our connected palms into his coat pocket.

“We can go now,” he said and I almost waited for him to bow in front of the crowd of excited girls, anticipating applause, he would surely get.

When we disappeared behind the wall, I heard an outburst of excited girly shouts and shrieks, that made my ears burn. I was angry at myself that I had forgotten to take my cap from home, because now Seunghyun could easily recognise any signs of my embarrassment.

“It was fun,” he said, grinning.

“No, it wasn’t,” I mumbled and sank deeper into my scarf. It was a pity that it didn’t cover my ears which must have been as red as tomatoes.

Seunghyun still kept my palm in his pocket, running his fingers over mine gently. It seemed that he was feeling around for something and when he eventually found it, my heart skipped a beat. A tip of his forefinger started circling over a little scar on the inside edge of my thumb, filling my stomach with heat. He remembered it, I thought to myself, recalling the day, about a week ago, when he had noticed the little scar, while I had been drawing. I had told him that I had cut myself with paper knife in primary school and from that time on, it was my sensitive spot. I wasn’t sure, if I should now regret reveling this secret.

“You don’t like the things they have been thinking?” Seunghyun asked, not stopping his fingers from mine, and I wondered, if he knew what he made me feel.

“No, that’s not it,” I said, my voice thin with overpowering emotions. “I simply can’t stand being in the centre of attention.”

“I guess you should get used to it,” he replied, confidence hearable in his words. “When you become a famous fashion designer, you’ll have to face crowds of fans and even give some speeches to press. Not to mention opening and closing your runaway shows and hosting after-parties.”

“There’s no way I would do it,” I murmured. “If acquiring fame means you have to be in a public eye, then I prefer to stay at home,” I added, aware of the fact it was a bunch of malarkey.

“Even if I was by your side?” Seunghyun asked, squeezing my palm inside of his pocket.

A sudden vision struck my mind. I was able to visualise me and Seunghyun together on a runway, people cheering around us, paparazzi taking photos, attractive long-legged hostesses handing us bouquets of exotic flowers. We were handsome, rich and famous. And the most important - deep in love with each other.

Pipe dreams.

“Maybe I would consider that option,” I said and chuckled. I suddenly realised that I had always dreamed of forming a designing duet with T.O.P, but his imaginary silhouette started disappearing from my mind, slowly becoming replaced with much more real Seunghyun, whom I could actually touch and talk with, listening to his voice.

Seunghyun seemed satisfied with my answer as he was smiling under his breath, but he didn’t comment it in any way. We walked two or three minutes in silence, enjoying the good weather and touch of our clasped hands. My heart was still bumping hard, so I tried to calm down, but seeing Seunghyun’s handsome profile in the corner of my eye or feeling a sudden movement of his fingers against mine was enough for me to lose every tiny bit of composure.

Suddenly, Seunghyun sneezed and I looked up to see him making a funny face, wrinkling his nose.

“It seems we both will be ill,” I said, thinking about my soaked shirt stuck to my back which in such a low temperature didn’t foreshadow anything good.

“We can get changed, when we reach the place,” Seunghyun told me, making me ask myself, if it was possible that we were heading to a clothes shop or something of that kind.

It wasn’t long before we stopped in front of a traditional old mansion, which definitely didn’t look anything like one of Zara or H&M chain stores.

“Is it another fairy-tale-like place I have never heard about, even if I live a few cross-streets away from here?” I asked, cocking my head, my gaze looking for any signboard with name of a café or restaurant.

Seunghyun giggled.

“Well, when I think about it, I start to believe it might be a wicked witch’s cottage,” he said and pointed at a small nameplate on the wooden door. I looked hard and managed to see what was written on it.

“Choi Eun Sun,” I read, whispering under my breath and I almost jumped, when I got the meaning of the words. “Choi Eun Sun!” I repeated, feeling blood rushing down from my face. “Choi Eun Sun?!” I almost screamed the name, saying it for the third time. I shot Seunghyun a terrified gaze, unable to voice my fears.

Who the hell is Choi Eun Sun!? I asked myself, feeling an internal pressure to turn on my heel and run as fast as I could, suddenly realising that I didn't want to hear who Choi Eun Sun was.

I subconsciously released my palm from Seunghyun’s grip and it seemed that I even started turning around, because Seunghyun caught my forearm and made me stay.

“You don’t have to run away,” he assured, holding back laughter. “My grandma isn’t that scary.”

What came over you to take me to your grandma’s house?! I wanted to scream, but words got stuck in my throat. I was opening and closing my mouth, what really amused Seunghyun.

“I almost forgot the adorable face you make, when you can’t speak,” he said and leant closer to brush his lips against my forehead, but before I could feel the soft touch on my skin, someone had appeared in the doorway of the old house.

“I was sure I heard someone screaming my name,” an elderly lady said, looking around and her gaze finally rested on us. “Seunghyun, why are you standing there in the dead of winter? Move your bony and come inside,” she added, making my jaw drop.

“That was a good example of my granny’s temper,” Seunghyun chuckled, completely unconcerned that his grandma had seen him almost kissing another boy in front of her house. Or maybe she had short-sightedness and there was nothing to worry about.

“Let’s go, she doesn’t like waiting,” Seunghyun grabbed my hand and led me to the door.

Only entering the house was enough for me to notice that grandma Choi was a wealthy woman. I shouldn’t be surprised, having seen Seunghyun’s family home before. Both houses were luxurious, but the atmosphere of each of the places was completely different. While Seunghyun’s parents designed theirs as an ultra-modern detached house that seemed to be moved to the suburbs of Seoul from Los Angeles, grandma Choi had an aristocratic taste and kept her interiors in style of the late Fifties. A poster of Merlin Monroe in frames hanging on the wall over the stairs beside an old family portrait and a still nature painting reassured me that my guesses were infallible.

“So I see you took a friend with you,” the elderly lady emerged from an adjacent room and approached me, frowning. She took my chin between her thumb and forefinger and studied my face. Her eyes lit up in a very familiar way. “You’re a cutie, aren’t you?”

I smiled at her, surprised by her sudden change of attitude.

“My name is Jiyong,” I introduced myself. “It’s pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Choi,” I added.

Though I had no idea that I’ll be your guest today.

I shot Seunghyun a look, narrowing my eyes and pouting. He choke back a chortle by bringing his hand to his lips.

“Don’t stand there like a post, Seunghyun,” Mrs. Choi turned to him. She started undoing buttons of my coat, making me feel a bit intimidated by her forthrightness. “Take your coats and hang them-,” she stopped all of sudden and wrinkled her nose the same way Seunghyun did less than a quarter ago. “You’re completely soaked!” She exclaimed.

She jumped to Seunghyun and started touching his coat. “You had a snowball fight, didn’t you?”

Seunghyun nodded, suddenly looking like a seven-year-old boy caught red-handed doing something forbidden.

“And who started it?” Mrs. Choi asked, whet made the situation even more ridiculous.

“He did!” I cried out, feeling like a child in kindergarten. “I was waiting for him near the school gate and he hit me with a snowball!” I complained and pouted.

Corners of Seunghyun’s mouth were shaking as he was doing his best not to burst out laughing. Mrs. Choi pinched her grandson’s cheeks. I almost wanted to check if our maths teacher wasn’t sitting in the adjacent room - it seemed highly possible that she had hurried to Choi Eunsun to tell her about our childish behaviour in the school yard.

“Are you proud of yourself, Seunghyun?” Grandma said and I couldn’t tell if she was serious or joking like we were. “You made this boy’s clothes thoroughly wet! He’ll get pneumonia, I’m sure!”

Seunghyun lowered his gaze.

“I’m sorry, Dongsaeng,” he mumbled, pretending to be ashamed.

Calling me like that, he made me curl up with laughter. Both Seunghyun and Mrs. Choi joined me after a second and we didn’t stop giggling during next few minutes. I finally stopped shaking from amusement sitting in the kitchen, already changed into Seunghyun’s old clothes that his grandma had kept in her wardrobe. The old t-shirt and jeans were baggy. It had surprised me a little - I knew that Seunghyun was bigger than me, but these were clothes from his final year of primary school and I had thought they should be too small for me to wear.

I was watching the elderly lady preparing a cake and muffins. I took a deep breath and finally managed to regain full calmness. Wonderful smells from the oven and pots filled my nose and I started feeling peckish.

“I’ll serve dinner, when Seunghyun is ready with cleaning the attics” Grandma Choi told me, having put a baking sheet full of muffins into the oven. “Otherwise he would never come back there again.”

I was sitting with my chin propped in my hand, observing her actions.

“Can I help you in any way?” I asked, but she shook her head.

“I’m almost done, sweetheart,” she replied scrubbing the worktop that got stained with chocolate and dough. “Plus, I would never let a guest work in my house. I don’t know what Seunghyun has been thinking. He wanted to share his duties with you - no, no, no. Not under my roof.”

My lips twitched into a smile. She was an extraordinary person, one of her kind probably, but it was amazing how often I agreed with her opinions. We had spent only an hour together in the kitchen, talking while she was preparing food, but I felt a strong connection between us. What struck me the most was probably her attitude towards Seunghyun. She a lot, laughed whenever he made a mistake and even didn’t hesitate to flap his head, when he wasn’t listening to her orders. But at the same time, she had so much love in her eyes, so much affection in her gestures around him that my heart almost melted from all these surrounding emotions. Seunghyun also preferred that kind of ‘silent love’ relationship with her and showed his attachment only by trifling actions, like when he kissed a top of elderly lady’s head, making her eyes flare with brightness.

Seeing him like that made my insides warmer. It was a pleasant feeling and I wondered if anyone would ever love me that much.

Mrs. Choi finally finished her chores and took off her kitchen gloves.

“Come on, darling,” she said and extended her hand, palm up, waiting for mine. “Dinner will be ready in a quarter, so we can wait somewhere else.”

I stood up and she took my hand in her own and led me upstairs. I pondered if we were going to join Seunghyun in the attics and help him with cleaning, but we didn’t climb up to the highest level. Grandma Choi opened one of the doors on the second floor and with a gesture invited me to come in. I entered the room, looking around and didn’t manage to hold back a loud sigh of ravishment. It was a library, filled with books of all sizes, standing proudly on the shelves lining each wall of the big room and reaching the ceiling. I recalled a movie I had seen once with my sister - it was Disney’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’. There was a scene when the girl, her name was Bella or something, entered the library in Beast’s castle and now I knew exactly how she felt.

In the middle there was a coffee table, three antique armchairs and a sofa standing on a thick carpet. The atmosphere of the place reminded me of ‘The Nutcracker’-themed café, especially because of a beautiful Christmas tree beside the large window.

Mrs. Choi watched my growing amazement and smiled at me.

“Did he take you to ‘Land of sweets’?” She suddenly asked, making me look at her face full of expectation.

“Y-yeah, we went there about two weeks ago,” I answered, assuming that by ‘he’ she meant Seunghyun.

My answer caused her to smile wide.

“You are that precious to him then,” she said, more to herself, but I still could hear it. Something knotted inside my heart, sending a tingling sensation to every part of my body. “It means I can show you something.”

She made me sit on the sofa and ran towards one of the shelves. It didn’t take her long to find a big book and keeping it in her hands, she came back to me. She laid down the volume on the coffee table and took place on my right side. When her wrinkled hands opened the book, I realised that it actually was an album of family photos. Mrs. Choi pointed at a black and white picture.

“It’s my husband, Seunghyun Senior,” she told me and I leant closer to see that the men looked exactly like my Seunghyun. Wait. Seunghyun I know - I corrected myself and continued analysing the photo. Only differences between Seunghyun and his grandpa were the clothes they were wearing and their hairstyle. “Do you see, where he is standing?” She asked and I managed to recognise ‘Land of sweets’ main entrance. “My husband was a great enthusiast of Tchaikovsky’s ballets and loved sweets. That’s why he founded the café and created its unique atmosphere to make everyone feel the magic that had enchanted him. At first we were only selling cakes I baked, but then he decided to hire more staff and he designed thematic outfits for them. It was a key to our success, we were earning more and more and my husband could afford sewing new outfits for staff. He would design about two or three sets a year and he did it until he passed away six years ago,” she stopped and turned to the next page. There was a picture of a baby. “Only person who could continue Seunghyun’s custom was his youngest grandson, Seunghyun Junior.” She showed me another page with three pictures of a chubby boy who I didn’t recognise. “He was twelve, when his grandpa died, but had enough skills to draw and design and thanks to him tradition of our café didn’t have to disappear together with the presence of its founder.”

“Wait, so the boy in the photos is Seunghyun?” I asked in utter shock. The boy didn’t resemble Seunghyun at all. His puffy cheeks almost covered the most recognisable feature of my friends looks - his big, glimmering eyes.

Grandma Choi nodded.

“He has changed, hasn’t he?” she chuckled. “Back then he had problems with his weight and was bullied because of that. He lacked in self confidence what affected also his designing. There was a big pressure on him and he couldn’t bear it, so he stopped drawing for the café and crawled into his shell. And he would stay like this forever, if it hadn’t been for his brother.”

“Dongwook?” I asked, unable to believe my own ears. He did actually help someone?

“Yes,” Mrs. Choi answered and continued the story. “It might not seem a right thing to do, but Dongwook, who always got easily carried away by his nerves, lambasted his brother and beat him to make Seunghyun get himself together. To our own surprise it actually worked. I guess it wasn’t all about the beating, but Seunghyun needed someone to show him that he can’t live in a shell and has to use his potential. That day changed Seunghyun and he started doing everything to lose weight and feel good in his own body. That enabled him to be creative, he had simply overcome the boundaries that had limited him. That way he found happiness and was able to follow his grandpa.”

I sighed out loud, overwhelmed by so many new information about Seunghyun, who I thought I had known everything about. I was sure it would make me look at him differently, with even more admiration. I had no idea there was such a story behind his talent to design. Having compared it to my own problems with social interactions and self-acceptance, I felt so childish and facetious that I almost started hating myself.

“Is it the end of the story?” I asked, willing to hear more about Seunghyun from such a trustworthy source.

“Actually, it isn’t,” Grandma Choi answered and closed the album. “But there are no pictures to that part.” She looked up and smiled at me. “Recently, Seunghyun has suffered a great problem. He had designed two sets of outfits for café staff this year, but told me, he had no conception for the next one. I didn’t worry myself, because I knew that Seunghyun sometimes has his little crisis, but he eventually always comes up with a great new idea. However, this time was different. For a month or two he had been walking in a daze, suffering a complete lack of inspiration. I even started looking for a fashion designer who would take his place, but fortunately, I hesitated long enough. Exactly two weeks ago Seunghyun phoned me in the evening, saying that he had managed to visit the café. He hadn’t been able to force himself to do it earlier, because he had felt too ashamed to stand where his always creative grandpa had stood.” She nodded to herself and then looked me straight in the eyes. “Right then I knew something important had happened in his life. And then today he brings a friend with him, though he has never done it before. I believe I have sensed it in the air, but when you told me, you were the one, who Seunghyun had visited the café with, I became sure you are someone very important to him and thanks to you he is able to draw.”

My chin started trembling suddenly, when I realised that the fairytale of Prince and Taylor we had invented that evening had a grain of truth in it. And this grain was far bigger than I had thought.

‘…and the Prince had found a great companion and never again felt lack of inspiration.’

“Oh, my soup!” Grandma Choi exclaimed all of sudden and dashed to the door quicker than any elderly lady should. “Stay here, darling. You can find a book for yourself. I will call you, when I put the dinner on the table,” she added and disappeared behind the door, leaving me alone with my flood of thoughts and speculations.

Am I really that important to Seunghyun?, I asked myself, slowly approaching the shelves of books.

I ran my fingers along the spines, recognizing several titles. I wasn’t able to stop my heart from beating far too fast, its banging filling my ears. I started biting my lower lip, but it didn’t help. I couldn’t get rid of a feeling that I had heard something that I shouldn’t have. Seunghyun’s grandma revealed a few important secrets from his past and maybe he wanted to tell me about them himself. I was sure I wouldn’t manage to feign surprise hearing the story once again and the feeling made my throat tighten. I was used to lying - I did it almost all the time, changing the truth and inventing the facts. I often lied to my mom, the teachers and probably the most to T.O.P. But for some unknown reason a lie couldn’t come out of my mouth, when I was with Seunghyun.

Somewhere in the depths of my subconscious there was also something more, a problem that I couldn’t face. The thing that struggled to become the centre of my attention, but I was too scared to let it win against me.

I closed my eyes and counted to ten to make that feeling disappear. I was so concerned with my own thoughts that I didn’t hear anything around me. Because of that I almost jumped, when strong arms embraced me from behind and Seunghyun’s chin rested on my shoulder.

“You seem uptight,” he said, his hot breath tickling the skin on my neck. “Has my grandma told you anything unpleasant?”

“No, of course not,” I replied, feeling his hands wandering on my tummy. “She’s a very nice person,” I stated, happy that my melancholic mood sank towards a further place unexpectedly.

“Nicer than me?” Seunghyun whispered to my ear and spun me around to face him.

“Maybe,” I teased, but didn’t expect Seunghyun’s sudden action, which left me almost out of breath.

In one swift motion he pinned me up against the bookshelf. My body started burning in an instant, each of his soft breaths on my face making me more and more aroused.

“I see that you’re wearing my clothes,” Seunghyun said, his grip tight on my wrists.

You can take them off, if you want. I thanked God that this sentence didn’t slip out of my mouth.

“They don’t smell like you, so they no longer count as yours,” I told him instead.

He chuckled and rested his forehead on mine, looking me straight in the eyes. I felt my heartbeat quicken at the sudden contact.

“You like my smell that much?” He asked, but I wasn’t able to answer, because his lips touched mine, kissing me firmly. I closed my eyes and responded with equal hunger and passion, warm shivers running down my spine. It was a kiss full of pent-up desire and uncertainty. Seunghyun let go of my wrists and wrapped his arms around my frame pulling himself closer, so that I felt even more of his closeness. This movement had caused also something different, which we both become aware of in a rather painful way a second later  A big book from the top shelf left its place among the others and decided to destroy the moment, landing on our heads.

I moaned from pain and dissatisfaction, when we pulled back and jumped away from each other. Seunghyun started massaging his head and I did the same. We were smiling at each other, but any good idea didn’t come up to my mind to comment the situation in any way. My lips were burning and I wished that the kiss hadn’t ended so suddenly.

“I guess it was my grandpa’s ghost,” Seunghyun broke the silence and chuckled. “He wanted to announce that the dinner is ready.”

We went downstairs at the exact moment, when Mrs. Choi wanted to call us. I took the cursed book with me to later check what it was about, but when Seunghyun’s grandma started reading a magazine while eating and her grandson switched on TV, I decided to open the volume. It occurred to be dedicated to a thorough analysis of birds feathering which was a rather boring topic for me. I was leafing through the pages, ready to close the book, when something caught my attention. Somewhere near the middle of the book there were many pictures of birds’ feathers and their diverse formations. My mind was filled with associations as all of them looked like coats, dresses and even suits. I was amazed to discover that Mother Nature herself was also a great fashion designer and I suddenly wanted to follow her ideas. My heart started pounding in my ears, when I realised that clothes inspired by birds was something what ideally covered the theme of the second stage of our designing competition. What could be more ‘High above’ than birds?

“Seunghyun,” I said, my voice shaking with emotions. “I need to go home.”

Both Seunghyun and his grandma looked at me, surprised.

“Why? Did anything happen?” Mrs. Choi asked and I shook my head, my gaze locked on Seunghyun.

“I have to start drawing. Now,” I told him, hoping that he would get the importance of my words. “I know I have my sketchbook with me, but I need crayons. Lots of crayons!” I tried to explain, but Seunghyun was already in the corridor, tugging on his boots.

I thanked Mrs. Choi for everything, promised to visit her someday and apologised for my strange behaviour. She only hugged me tight and whispered in my ear “Take care of Seunghyun.”

We left her house and hand-in-hand rushed towards my house. Seunghyun insisted on walking me home and when we finally reached it, all I wanted was to jump into my bedroom and start drawing, but Seunghyun had a different plan.

“Jiyong,” he said, forcing me to look at him. “I have to tell you something important before you go.”

I stopped mincing at a spot and sent him a questioning gaze.

“I-, “ he hesitated, trying to find right words. “I’m not the person who you think I am.”

I wanted to giggle, because it sounded like a beginning of a superhero confession, but then I became more serious, having realised, what he was going to say.

“You probably see me only as Seunghyun, the person who you met about a month ago,” he took a deep breath. “But the truth is that I-“

He stopped, because I wrapped my hands around him and hugged him close.

“You don’t have to worry,” I said, my cheek pressed to his chest. “I know everything.”

“Y-you do? But I thought-,“ he started again, but I interrupted him.

“Really, you might not believe me, but I’m aware of who you are and who you used to be,” I told him, embracing him tighter. “I see you as the person who I’m hugging right now. And the rest doesn’t matter, so let’s forget about it, shall we?”

I looked up to lock his gaze on mine and he finally smiled at me, relief visible on his face.

“You really don’t mind it?” He whispered. “I was such a liar and-“

I didn’t let him finish that sentence, because I touched his lips with mine in a brief, fleeting kiss.

“I’ve told you to stop worrying,” I repeated and after that sentence disappeared behind the door. I quickly closed it, leaving surprised Seunghyun on the driveway.

My heart was thumping hard in my ribcage, not because I had kissed Seunghyun, but because of his sudden confession. His words reminded me of the things I had been trying not to think about in the library, before he had appeared.

“I’m home!” I shouted, but no one answered. I heard music in the distance and assumed that only Dami was home, having her Super Junior session in her room.

Slowly, I started climbing up the stairs. My motivation and energy that I felt back at Mrs. Choi’s house disappeared. The book about birds hidden in my bag became much heavier and I left it in the corner of my room. I lied down on my bed, completely mentally exhausted. I knew I couldn’t run away from the thought that had been haunting me from the moment I had heard Choi family story. I was staring at the ceiling, considering everything what Choi Eunsun had told me about her grandson. I felt internally obliged to face my own problem. I knew exactly what little Seunghyun had felt, when his grandpa died. It wasn’t all about everyone’s expectations, but your own conscience. You know you can do better, but there are some things that don’t let you. We both had problems with self-acceptance. In Seunghyun’s case it was because of his obesity, in mine… Well, it was hard to name all of the things I didn’t like in myself. But Seunghyun had managed to overcome all the setbacks, he did it with a help of his brother. Now he was the one helping me. Together with his grandma they made me realise that I had to stop hiding and finally do something to release my true self. A month ago I promised myself to gradually change myself, but the progress wasn’t that visible. I had managed to make friends with Seunghyun, but it wasn’t what I had intended.

I was fed up with it. I simply had enough of my little steps. I wasn’t walking towards my destination, I was crawling like small children do.

I jumped to my feet and ran to my desk to open my laptop quickly. I pressed the power button and while waiting for my computer to switch on, I started wondering, if what I planned, was a right thing to do.

I have to stop lying, I told myself and bent down to see the screen.

Having logged on on koreafashion.kr, I opened the chat box and saw that T.O.P was online.

I started typing without needless hesitation.

--- G-Dragon has opened the conversation box ---

--- T.O.P has joined the conversation ---

G-Dragon: T.O.P!

I didn’t have to wait long for his answer.

T.O.P: Hey : )

G-Dragon: There is something important I want to tell you…

G-Dragon: I was too intimidated to say it before…

G-Dragon: …

T.O.P: I wonder, why are we talking here, when you can just call me?

Call him? Did he forgot that we had never exchanged phone numbers and I never heard his voice?

A sudden thought struck my mind. There was something in his words. I realised, that if I wanted to end this fictional relationship based on lies, I would have to do it in person. Meeting T.O.P and telling him the truth about myself would make everything I was ashamed of disappear.

G-Dragon: You know what?

G-Dragon: I guess you’re right!

G-Dragon: Do you have time tomorrow?

T.O.P: I don’t have any plans for the weekend.

G-Dragon: That’s great!

G-Dragon: Let’s meet up tomorrow, then.

G-Dragon: 3 p.m. in front of the Noon Square in Meyong-dong?

Noon Square department store was probably the only place I knew in central Seoul. My sister had forced me to go there with her to buy her prom dress.

T.O.P: Okay, see you there then : )

G-Dragon: Wait!

G-Dragon: How will I recognise you?

T.O.P: I guess you won’t have any problem with that : P

G-Dragon: Well, I mean there are always some dress codes, when people meet for the first time after having an online relationship…  

T.O.P: Oh, I see.

T.O.P: I will wear my favourite colour then.

T.O.P: You should do the same. I want to see you in pink : )

G-Dragon: Okay!

I straightened up, smiling to myself.

It will make a good beginning to a new era in my life.

But I had to do something else.

I quickly started looking for two things that I had bought some months ago. They were hidden in my drawer, waiting for better times which had finally come. I grabbed them in my hand and darted out of my room. I started knocking on my sister’s bedroom door, but her music was far too loud and she couldn’t hear me. I pressed the door handle, happy that the door moved. I walked in and started shouting over the guys from Super Junior, who claimed they wanted to merry me and asked for my permission.

Dami was sitting in her armchair, eyes closed and head bobbing to the music. She was singing along with Super Junior, what made my ears hurt.

“Dami!” I patted her shoulder and she looked up, not scared at all.

“What’s up?” she asked, but I had to read her lips, because music didn’t let me hear her speaking.

I grabbed the remote control from her desk and switched off the stereo system.

“Oi! The song hasn’t finished yet!”  She moaned and stood up to get the remote control back.

“I’ll give it to you, when you help me,” I told her and extended my hand to her. She took the objects I was holding and looked at me, shocked.

“Wow, Jiyong,” she chuckled. “ ‘Super strong cream hair bleach’ and ‘Natural extra light ash blond hair dye’?”

I nodded.

Wearing pink was one thing, but T.O.P knew me as a blonde. What would he say, seeing my brown hair that had never been dyed?