(A/N: My apologies for the late update. I haven’t been free lately and unfortunately, neither will I be for this year. I’m really sorry but I’ll try my best to update as much as I can.

A double update as an apology.)

I'd only been to a club once. After showing the bouncer my identification card, I walked down the stairs to the underground club. Red light shined from the light bulbs hung along the ceiling and as I went further down, I could hear the blaring music getting louder and louder. I entered the club and looked around at my surroundings. To be honest, I wasn't exactly fond of crowded places but I guessed today was an exception. I just needed to be around strangers and keep my mind off my own life for a while.

I went to the bar and ordered some soju. Taking the bottle from the barman, I chose a seat and took a whole table to myself. I poured myself a considerable amount of soju and sat back to watch the people dance. The mood and the atmosphere of the club would've gotten anyone feeling up for dancing, but I just sat there with the cup of soju in my hand, taking small sips every few minutes. I didn't really like alcohol but I desperately needed something to distract me for a while.

I thought about Zelo and Youngjae, sighing before downing my cup of soju. It got on the edge of my nerves, thinking about that. The soju burned in my throat and I winced a bit. Suddenly, I felt a slight deflation of my seat on my right and I whipped my head around to look. What I saw made me groan internally. It was Ailee. Again.

Did she have to be everywhere I was? Was she seriously stalking me? I ignored her and poured myself another cup, irritation gripping my nerves.

"Daehyun," she said but I ignored her, turning to my left as I downed another cup of soju in one shot.

She scooted closer to me, her bare thighs making a rubbing sound against the leather sofa. "Daehyun," she tried again, this time, placing a hand on my shoulder.

I moved away slightly and poured myself another cup. I noticed that I couldn't really control myself and the amount of alcohol I was taking in this time round but thought it was due to being annoyed that I had to meet Ailee here, of all places.

She scooted even closer to me and our thighs touched. I instantly felt uncomfortable and thought it was weird. Why would I be so bothered about a girl touching me? I pressed the soju cup to my lips, my eyes fixed forward at the bouncing people and ignoring Ailee for the world. The liquor met my lips but I didn't open them.

"Daehyun, I need to talk to you," Ailee nervously played with her fingers on her lap.

I shot her a side glance. The dress she was wearing was making her look incredibly ty. Her hair was styled messily and she had on really thick makeup which was evident from up close. I snorted, bubbles forming in the soju as I did and I gulped it all down, slamming the cup down on the table with a loud 'clack'.

A hand reached out to my shoulder and held it. I casted her an irritated glare and tried to brush her hand away.

"Leave me alone," I said thickly.

"Daehyun," she said as she fixed me a piercing stare. "I've been meaning to tell you this."

I didn't respond as I reached over to grab the soju bottle and again, pour the drink sloppily into my cup.

"I believe you. With whatever you said. At first, I was reluctant to do so, to put my stand down and to allow anything to bring me away from my word. But you have that effect on me, the effect to make me believe in everything you say, and now, I don't know but I have absolutely no doubt that you're speaking the truth."

The liquid rushed through my raw throat and I winced. It was a burning sensation yet it felt good at the same time. As I poured myself another cup, my hearing started to fail me, so did my attention and Ailee's words became muffled. Soon, I had no inkling of what she was saying.

I watched her face duplicate into two. Senseless, nonsensical thoughts rushed to my head and it was like my mind was thinking on its own accord. I drank another cup, already reaching my limits. The lights of the club suddenly felt too glaring and the music too loud. My head was pounding and the boom of the speakers didn't help at all. A hazy mist clouded my vision and the world started spinning. Everyone looked like blurred rabbits, bouncing everywhere. I blindly reached for another cup and overfilled it with soju. Emptying all its contents one more time, I felt the burning from my throat go to my heart and then to my stomach where it rumbled.

I felt something push my guts up and soon enough, I was clutching my mouth, trying to keep everything in. A hand gripped my elbow but I flailed it wildly. Jumping to my feet, I stumbled my way to the restrooms, feeling fortunate when I could locate it with my unsteady stance, the crowded room, my pounding head and the blurred vision.

I burst into a cubicle and fell to my knees right in front of the toilet bowl where I fumbled with the cover before retching out everything I had drunk for the past hour. My head was spinning and I felt my throat burn as the contents spill out of my mouth. I stayed there for another minute, trying to recollect myself and get my mind back together in one piece. I had a very low alcohol tolerance level. I reached up and flushed the unearthly sight in the toilet bowl and got up. There was still a dull numb sensation in my mind but I felt better.

I stumbled out of the cubicle, feeling slightly more sober but still a bit drunk. My hands gripped the sides of the sink and I the tap before rinsing my mouth and washing my face. I stared at myself in the mirror once more.

I was disgusting.

I was useless.

All those words I used to think of myself came back to me, attacking my mind as if it was an unarmed forte. I started wondering of my use in this world, I started seeing myself as unwanted trash, someone who just existed, who neither lived nor was acknowledged by anyone.

I groaned, bringing my hands over my face. I needed to get my mind straight but it wasn't working... somehow. I took deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. I thought of Youngjae and instantly, my tensed muscles relaxed as I broke into a shaky smile.

I staggered out of the washroom, feeling slightly better yet slightly worse as there was still a heavy tug on my heart, like something or some thought was weighing down on me, wanting me to reflect on it and to realise that I wasn't of any use after all.

I shook my head, trying to rid myself of all these negative thoughts. My stomach felt empty after I had vomited everything out. I was used to this sickly empty feeling that was inside of me, slowly chewing me out of any plausible emotions, resulting in me being a lifeless, placid creature.

I shook my head again. Those thoughts leaving my mind as soon as they came and as I reached the table where Ailee was, I dismissed them, almost carelessly.

"You've been gone a long time," Ailee said as I arrived at the table.

"I wasn't feeling well," I said honestly.

Ailee gave me a sincere concerned look and she rested a small hand on my shoulder.

"Is there anything that's concerning you? You can tell me."

I cleared my throat, knowing only too well that she was the one who started it all.

Ailee took a cup from the table and held it in front of me. "Why don't you have a drink, Daehyunnie?" she suggested, almost vindictively.

I eyed her disbelievingly. I just came back after puking my guts out and here she was, offering me another drink? Really. Just really.

I ignored her and took my phone out of the pocket, finding that it had fourteen missed calls and twenty-one text messages from Youngjae. I scanned through some of them.

'Daehyun ah... Where are you?'

'How's Junhong?'

'Daehyun, Junhong came back alone. I thought he was with you?'

'Where are you Daehyun? It's getting late. What's going on?'

'Daehyun please answer my calls. I'm begging you.'

'I'M WORRIED SICK FOR YOU, YOU INSENSITIVE BASTARD! I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO DIE. CAN'T YOU AT LEAST PICK UP MY CALLS???'

Just then, my phone vibrated and Youngjae's caller ID appeared on the screen. I stared at his photo as he smiled up at me. My hand lingered over the accept button. The vibrations continued on and I sighed frustratingly before pressing down on the decline button, my phone giving one last angry vibration before going still and the text messages reappeared.

I ran my fingers through my hair as my phone vibrated again. I looked at it one last time before turning it off, the peaceful, blank screen of my iPhone staring back at me, shutting of the last thread of communication between Youngjae and me.

A hand rested on my knee and I turned to meet Ailee's apprehensive face. She asked, without words, who it was and I, without words, leant back and ignored her, again. I closed my eyes, my head feeling hot resting against the leather backrest. My mind spun and I felt giddy. I felt like something was forcing its way up but this time, instead of being the liquor I had downed, it seemed like a turmoil of emotions, wanting to free itself, to thrash its way out of my heart and to escape from being asphyxiated for so long.

I thought about him, long and hard, my heart responding with continuous painful throbs, like it was feeling for him, the grief he would be feeling right now as he tried to call me again but failed, knowing this time, as the dread loomed over him, that I had maliciously turned off my phone, making it clear I didn't want to speak to him or associate with him at that moment. And that, I was sure, or at least my heart was sure, would be what was hurting him at that point.

I turned my face away from the direction of the club and stared at the exit. Already, beads of sweat were accumulating at my temples and neck, stimulated by the dense atmosphere of the whole club. I hated it here.

I stared at how people entered and exited the club, most of them youngsters with the occasional businessmen wanting to relieve the stress in their mind or the fancily dressed up ladies, trying to be young but failing drastically at it. All of them were happy, jovially enjoying the drinks they downed drunkenly, the lively atmosphere engulfed with the blasting club music and the cluster of the situation, not knowing whether they were being grounded upon or just experiencing someone trying to shove past them.

All of them were happy, enjoying this youthful life while here I was, my mind elsewhere, my heart wanting to be somewhere else and my soul already taken by him.

I felt it all coming up, I felt my limits stretching to its bursting point, I felt my emotions stirring up and attempting to disclose itself. I felt tears welling up in my eyes, chokes sputtering out of my mouth and my heart suffering more that it should've already. I was too weak to handle all this, too vulnerable. He had made me like this, made me able to feel again and to love again. Though it wasn't what I actually wanted. I hated this feeling, this feeling of hopelessness, of uselessness and the desire to actually become somebody, something at least. Right now, I felt like I was nothing. Not a person who could actually face all that was happening to him, his haunting past, his broken love and all the people whom he had hurt.

And that was why, in a desperate attempt to escape this feeling, I grabbed my drink and finished its contents. Drowsiness attacked me and my eyelids sagged heavily. My mind went numb and so did my heart, finally taking the heavy load off from it. The sensation spread, right to the tips of my fingers where my muscles relaxed and the empty cup dropped to the floor with a dull clatter. My vision blurred and my hearing became muffled.

"I love you."

That whisper was all I heard before I out.