Chapter 8: I'm (Not) Hurt

“Thanks for looking after him. You’re really as great as how he says,” and then, a wave good-bye, with the twins leaving.

Himchan sat in a daze soon after. He didn’t feel like doing anything else but recalling everything that has happened thus far. It was surreal. The part where Yongnam teased Yongguk about how he would always talk about Himchan was something else. And when they said good-bye, that parting remark was quite a comforting thought.

I’m such a great friend, huh?

It’s such a pity that it’s all he’ll ever be. Right now, at least.

Himchan is quite a crazed optimist. He’ll wait for a chance, he’ll jump at any chance and he will find no remorse.

He’s an optimistic opportunist and he’s shameless about it.

---

Himchan had his hawk eyes on all night. He had his eyes fixed on Yongguk more than usual, whoever tried to talk to him was shot down quite quickly. It had become quite an obsessive habit for him, but he has made it a habit to try and find the man whom Yongguk fancied. Multiple times, he would find Yongguk disappearing once again, but he would turn up a few seconds later. Himchan fears that they may be meeting earlier than usual, so as not to attract the attention of... of other curious people like… like Himchan.

It had become a fruitless endeavor for the man. He would tail him every night, every performance. He would even find himself in weird face angles just to see who the boy was texting. It bothered him so much that he found himself becoming more and more obsessive.

One night, the boy found him looking at his phone while they were walking to back Himchan’s home. Yongguk smiled sheepishly and tucked the phone back in his pocket.

“Sorry, I was listening to your story, I swear,” he reassures him.

“Sure you are,” Himchan just casually put it out there. Yongguk just laughs thinking Himchan was just being his usual sassy self.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll head home now.” He tells him as he walks him to the door.

However, he matches with Himchan’s eyes again, which was on his pocket this time around. Himchan no longer makes an effort to hide whatever it was that he was doing, and Yongguk caught on.

“Oh, I remember, your phone.” Yongguk gestured to Himchan’s pocket.

“Hm?” he asked back, wondering.

“Your number, I still don’t have it.”

Oh.

OH.

“Oh, right,”

“…so?”

“So?”

“Uh… I mean, I don’t have it. So, can I have it?”

“Oh. OH. Yeah, yeah, sure.”

“Here, type it in,”

Yongguk casually hands Himchan his phone for the other man to type his number in. Himchan just looked at the phone, it was that easy. He could read the messages now and see who it is. He wondered if Yongguk would notice if he took too long. A lot of things swirled in his head. Then, an idea.

“Oh, I don’t really know my number, wait here a sec,” he lied as he gestured for the boy to come in his home.

“Didn’t you have your phone a while ago—”

“Uh, no, I left mine on my room, come in for a sec if you’re not in a hurry? It won’t take a while, I promise,”

“Oh, sorry, didn’t know it would be a bother,” he said.

“Don’t worry about it,” he lied even further.

Himchan proceeded to his room as he left Yongguk downstairs with a drink in hand. It was bound to keep him occupied with a drink and the TV on with Eminem on MTV. Sneakily, Himchan kept Yongguk’s phone as he went upstairs. Yongguk’s phone was no rocket science and Himchan found it easy to navigate through its features. He found texts from Yongguk’s friends like Maslo and a lot more from his twin, Yongnam. He scrolled even further to find no messages that were out of the ordinary. Himchan wondered if he kept a separate phone for his affairs. It would be such a blow if he did.

He felt defeated and just pressed the back button heavily. Then, he found another folder. And a suspicious one at that.

Himchan had to scroll and push a couple more buttons here and there. Only to wish he hadn’t at all.

_______

XOXO
+009921332451

You were wonderful last night, can’t really believe it was your first time.

_______

Himchan flipped his . He felt like throwing the phone across the room. Wonderful. Last night. His first time. Had it been any other time, any other person, Himchan would have laughed it off. But this was different. It was Yongguk. And Himchan felt like crying.

He was so pure.

He felt a guilt trip down his spine. He had to be painfully reminded of his intentions when he first met the young man. And now, faced with this kind of realization…

He pressed the buttons violently just to rid the screen of the message. However, it was useless, as the image of the message on Yongguk’s phone screen had been burned heavily on his mind.

He was so, so pure.

Yongguk was so pure.

The tears came and Himchan dropped to the floor, he fell with a violent thud as he sobbed. Thoughts started to race in his head. He could not imagine how everything went down. The realization and the thought suffocated him. He wondered if it was what Yongguk really wanted, if it was really him who he wanted... and... and if Yongguk really loved him that much to give in... If it was his first time, he must have held it for someone special, for someone he really loved, far unlike Himchan. Just by thinking, he found himself sobbing even harder. It felt stupid to him, he shouldn’t be feeling this way, but he did. And it hurt him further. He had become pretty involved. This involved.

He was in this too deep.

Trying to fight back the tears and keep himself quiet, he bit his lip hard and clutched his hands to his face. As he tried to wipe his tears, he found that he had bit himself too hard and had started to bleed. At that very moment, he found the door swinging open, with Yongguk by the door – looking at him with a startled expression.

“Hi—Himchan!” he rushed to his side on lightning speed.

“What happened to you?!” he asked, as Himchan continued sobbing as he tried to catch his breath.

Yongguk, in a panic, reached into all his pockets until he found a handkerchief. He held Himchan’s chin, and placed the cloth by his lip. Himchan could only look at him, still crying, at the perfection – and the boy’s purity. He was crying for many reasons and he just couldn’t tell him all that. He cried due to the guilt that he felt for the many impure thoughts he had for the man and for the fact that Yongguk had been taken.

“What happened to you?”

“I… I fell.”

For you, madly, badly, hopelessly.

“You’re such a baby, Himchan,” He said, smiling, comforting the younger man as he held the handkerchief to his face and rubbing his thumb over the fingers that he held, those fingers which in turn held his tightly, clutching his really hard.

“Where does it hurt?” he asked, innocently.

“Everywhere.” he said, honestly.

And he wasn’t exactly lying.

---

Note: So... where does it hurt?