Chapter 23: I Am (Not) Lost

“Himchannie, will you be with me?”

The words repeated over and over in his head.

“W—what do you mean?”

There was a flurry of emotions the first time he heard it. The second wave came even harder as he gushed with the recollection.

“I… I need you, with me, by… my side.”

Himchan could only bring his pillow closer to his face, he could only feel his face getting warmer, and his insides getting more tangled by the minute. There was a mixed feeling of bursting from the insides and wanting to hurl. It was a peculiar mix, but it was giddy and it made him happy. It felt that with the thoughts racing in his head, there really was no room to sleep.

And then his phone vibrates.

“H—hey, Himchannie, did I wake you up?”

Definitely, no sleep tonight.

- - -

“Have you thought about what I said last night?”

The man asked as he fiddled with the strings keeping his jacket together. Himchan heard the undeniable chorus of both Jieun and Zico choking on their drinks after that one line.

Himchan stopped halfway through his nacho, with the chip hanging in the air with an awkward pepper falling like a comic relief. He turns, throwing a funny look at Zico, before he wipes it off his face and turns to Yongguk with his doe eyes.

The usually chill rapper looked like he was struck with something, with the way he acted. It didn’t sit well with the other blonde kid on the table.

“I’m—I’m—I’m not in a hurry or anything, I just, I was… if-you-were-thinking-about-it- I-just-thought-that-I-think-I-need-to-use-the-bathroom.”

There was an awkward silence after the man hurries off to God knows where. Jieun and Himchan forces a laugh, “The boy can really rap, aha-aha-ahahaha,” but above the laughter, he could feel Zico’s stare boring holes off of the soul out of him.

- - -

“Debut, you? What are you smoking?”

Himchan didn’t need to raise his head from where he was washing his face to know who it was. Raising his head tentatively, he saw the tinge of blonde reflected from the mirror before him. Zico leaned idly on the door frame of one of the stalls, with his eyes rolling for a second then fixing his stare on him, as if studying him from head to toe. He his head to the left looking at him more intently. Himchan had to hide the thick gulp that he suddenly got the urge to swallow.

“You’re not getting that slot with Yongguk,” he says, clicking his tongue and shaking his head.

Himchan was unsure whatever it was he was talking about, it was not as if he had agreed to any of it yet. Himchan knew exactly why Zico was having such a hissy fit. He had zero experience, and just the thought that Yongguk was asking him to try out and be a part of the band he was setting up with TS Entertainment, was a certain trigger to set Zico off boiling.

He couldn’t exactly fault the man for that. From Yongguk’s stories alone, he shared stages with the man. And he was quite a genius at it too, “he’s younger than me but he’s really talented,” he would often say. These small moments would be enough to make Himchan shrink a little smaller each time. And when the younger man does take the stage from time to time – he finds chemistry between the two and just how good he was at his craft.

But Zico didn’t get any invitation from Yongguk. He did. For some reason, Jepp… no, Bang Yongguk believed in him, that talented rapper of a man was asking him to try it out and be a part of the band. Zico must have overheard Yongguk saying it. But everything was tentative, and nothing was still stitched too deep. Whatever it was that setting him off, Himchan only had to wonder.

“Yeah, I heard, you submitted an application,”

But… I didn’t.

“I’ll see you on the audition, hot stuff.”

- - -

“Where are you?” said the raspy voice on the other end of the line.

“I’m… at home?” he answers.

“You don’t sound too sure?” was the instant reply.

“No, no, I mean, I’m home. I’m here in my house.”

“You… just left?”

He did. Without much adieu. He couldn’t exactly say that he didn’t know why he did that. He knew exactly why. He felt… suffocated.

It has been days, and he has been toying with the idea of actually biting the bait. If he was really keen on taking on Yongguk’s offer to be a trainee and ultimately, a member of the band, he wasn’t sure. Just the idea sent chills to his spine. He was unsure about a lot of things – and as an average Korean teen, this did not bode well.

Taking on a degree on traditional music, he did like what he was doing. But beyond that, after the degree, he didn’t know exactly where to go. He did try to model once, or twice, and he liked the feeling. For a minute there he felt like he could go professional. Maybe an actor, too? There were many possibilities and with a face like his, Himchan was quite confident, too. But with the months he had been tailing Yongguk, he realized how passionate the man was about his craft – and his dreams. This very idea, these days, he found quite alarming – and disturbing.

He didn’t have anything he was passionate about.

Yongguk once shared that he practically threw a life of stability away, a great scholarship and a secure employment, and a guarantee of high ranks in one of the top technology firms in Korea. He could even go worldwide with that path, if he took it on. Himchan did his research, and with scores like his, he knew that Yongguk could go far with how smart he was. But he had something he was passionate about, and he willfully threw all that away for that one thing he wanted and loved – his music.

Faced with this kind of reality, Himchan found himself confused as to what exactly he wanted to do with his life. He wondered if it was too early to have a crisis like this one. But after some days of classes, and after a few questions here and there, he came to realize that his classmates and friends all had things they had in mind, and he was still left in a path that leads to nowhere. He had been juggling a part time job, receiving allowance from his parents and attending university. Most nights, he spent with Yongguk and the rest as he tailed the man. Yongguk knew exactly where we has going. Himchan wondered if he did, too.

What was there to throw away for him when he didn’t even know what he wanted, and what he had at the moment?

The realization struck harder as he saw himself as a casual onlooker as Yongguk took the stage. He saw his own reflection, an average guy in his plaid pants, and Yongguk shining ever so greatly on stage. A man like Yongguk will go far. And several years from now, maybe not even too far off, his face would be one plastered on billboards and magazines – and Himchan could be just another guy ‘who used to be’, and ‘who could have been’. Just like what Zico said.

The thought alone haunted him.

Walking past the crowds of people, he finds a sample mix tape with Zico’s name on it. He has one by Jepp Blackman, too, and he loves it. So he picks it up, pops it in his player as he walked home in his lonesome. It is as if his passion mirrored that of Yongguk. They had these kind of dreams. He didn’t.

There it goes, that sense of emptiness. The feeling of being lost. It brought him to tears.

“You just left, while I was performing,” he repeated.

“I did, I… just felt a little tight, I don’t know,”

“Are you okay?”

“I…”

“Are you okay…?”

“I don’t know.”

- - -

Note: I'm not sure how old most of my readers are, but I'm pretty sure we all felt this sensation before.

Note 2: Also, thank you very much for subscribing and for all the wonderful comments. I really enjoy reading them, specially ones that talk about how you've perceived everything thus far. It keeps me pumped and inspired. I hope you enjoy this day's chapter!