fanfic: 용문신 ~ The Dragon Tattoo
author: Harumi95
reviewer: ava_lava

Title: 5/5

It was impressive. Seriously, I have never seen a title as imaginative as that one. It would appeal to me if I am scrolling down the winglin page, and I would begin to wonder what the whole story is about. It is also relevant to the story itself, as it signifies the mafia and gang members, of whom the story revolves around. “The Dragon Tattoo” just gives off a very strong and powerful feeling, full of anger and perhaps mysteriousness.

Background/Poster: 3/5

The biggest problem with your poster is that it is not attractive. I disliked the fact that Taemin was in black and white while the rest of the poster was in color. If anything, the main characters should be in color to be able to stand out. Oh, and characters. There was only Taemin. From the way the story progressed, I would have thought that it would be about Taemin AND Onew, if not mostly Onew. I don’t know, but that’s just what I felt about it. The quote on the top of the poster was also repetitive, as you put it in the forewords already. In my opinion, once is enough. One idea would have been to put the text blended into the background, which serves as a reminder instead of an in-your-face statement. I know that it was not you who made it, but next time when looking for a graphic designer, look at their past works and choose the ones that you think will do the best job. I have seen many of this graphic designer’s works, and they really are beautiful, but perhaps her style did not suit your story content. Look for a graphic designer who specializes in the style you desire for your fanfiction.

Forewords: 9/10

The description is very good, although I would have start with something like this:

Title:
Pairing(s):
Genre(s):
Length:
Rating:
Summary:
Warnings / Disclaimers:

It pretty much sums your story up and will let people know if this is really what they want to read. It’s up to you, though. I just find this much more organized. By the way, I loved the teaser. It was very powerful and had you hooked immediately. I really should learn how to do that from you ;)

Plot: 13/15

Okay, I’m not going to lie, I dislike fanfictions about the mafia or about the stereotypical gangsters, but your story was an exception. I love how there were so many things going on and how the plot was enhanced with much background and details that twisted the story around into various shapes. I just advise you not to create way too many twists or change of plans, since they will twist the story so much that a big ugly knot will form instead. The best part about your story is that it is unpredictable. One minute, I thought Onew was just a normal boy who was abandoned at a bakery; the next minute, you put down that he was actually the heir of some gangster location. Most stories would have him an oblivious boy who had no link to the mafia. HOWEVER, you put down in the forewords that “Opposites attract”. Onew and Taemin, however different their personalities are, are not totally opposite—or at least not opposite enough for my taste. They are both linked to the mafia, they were both abandoned, their parents are dead, etc. Make sure that when you put down a bold statement like “Opposites attract”, you actually make them total opposites. Oh, and another thing about your plot—please make sure that everything ties down at the end. It seemed just a tad scattered at the moment; at the end, make sure that every single detail that you wrote makes sense to the whole story in some way. Answer all of the “Why” questions that the readers may have.

I personally like plots that make the reader learn something, perhaps a moral, perhaps a psychological concept, or perhaps an abstract idea. It just leaves the reader thinking, which is what all authors want.

Creativity/Originality: 11/15

The gangster / mafia part is too cliché, but at least you added enough background to make it original in its own way. Another cliché is the gangster falling for the goody-goody-two-shoes; please make sure no more clichés happen.

Flow: 7/10

It is very fast, I’m afraid. You did not take the time to fully describe everything. There are so many details scattered around, but you did not explain them at all. For example, Onew’s past was half-revealed (the part about his parents), but I would have dedicated a chapter to really REALLY explain what happened. How did his parents meet? How did everything come together? Who killed them? Why were they killed? Hopefully, questions like these will be answered later on. I also think that Taemin’s attention on Onew started too fast, and the fact that girls all of a sudden started around him sort of erred me.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10

Most were silly mistakes that could have been prevented if checked over very carefully. The biggest recurring one was your use of quotation marks; use them, not apostrophes. So instead of {‘Are you going to kill him?’}, use the quotation marks to form {“Are you going to kill him?”}. I usually use apostrophes to dictate character thoughts, but quotation marks are for speech hands-down. Another thing is your use of capitalized letters. I know that all of the books say that after every period, question mark, exclamation mark, etc., you need to make the next letter capitalized. However, I would believe that things in quotation marks are an exception. Instead of {“Are you okay?” The little girl asked.}, it should be {“Are you okay?” the little girl asked.} Check in a novel—any novel—and you’ll see what I mean. By the way, you sometimes get mixed up with ‘then’ and ‘than’. ‘Then’ is used either as a time marker or with a sequence of events {I ate an apple, and then I drank some milk.}, while ‘than’ is used in comparative situations {I am taller than my big sister.}

Characterization: 13/15

It was quite good though still very fuzzy. I don’t really know who Onew is (at least clearly) except that he is shy, smart, and clumsy. Taemin is just morbid since he just oves guns and killing people with them, of which I find quite disturbing but effective nonetheless. Please make sure that they are all realistic, though. I found the character of Ji Yong best, for some strange reason, probably because of the detail you described him with and the way the atmosphere of the whole story changed because of his regality. Please do this with the rest of your characters—set up a mood for them, make them imperfect, and just make sure that the reader has a certain feeling when reading about them.

Writing Style: 8/10

I disliked the fact that you had, like, four prologues. One, because they were all too short to be called a chapter; two, they were hardly descriptive and provided only minimal background; and three, they were repetitive. You could have made all four into one chapter so that the story is not as jumpy from chapter to chapter. Remember, every chapter has to have its own theme. Your four prologues served as background information, so all four could have been in the same chapter. In general, all of your chapters were quite short, and thus unsatisfying. I know this sounds shallow, but quantity contributes to quality at times. For me, I write my stories on Microsoft Word first, and then copy and paste them onto winglin or any other writer’s forum. However, I always make sure that all of my chapters are at least two thousand words or four pages long. It’s hard, I know, but if you really know what you are doing or if you really have an idea of where your story is heading, you will be able to fill up those four pages with details and important fact in no time.

Overall enjoyment: 4/5

It was a unique story though too many clichés were used in my opinion. The only part I seriously disliked was when those girls were all over Taemin. I mean, really? Are girls really that desperate for a man in their life? Are they really that weak?

OTHERWISE, it was a great story with plenty of things going on.

Total: 80/100

You told me not to be too harsh, but I only lowered my standards for the marks. I still tried to give you a full review with plenty of insight, though, so I hope you learn something from this.

Thanks ava, for the brilliantly detailed review <33 I swear you're the only one who can actually write a detailed review in the whole web =_= ANYWAY - The suggestions are all taken into account :D But the thing is.... I wanted it to be cliche :) and the loose ends.... are planned to be tied in the next... 5 chapters? And also, the characterisation was going to start from the chapter with Leeteuk's fashback ^^ hm, but yeah, I found it very useful - thanks <3 Oh and yes, Jiyong's character was the most descriptive because I am actually obsessed with him XD -  I know that;s bad, and I shall try that with the rest of the characters :D - EVERYONE WHO WANTS A REVIEW SHOULD ASK FOR AVA_LAVA COS SHE'S ONE OF THE RARE DECENT REVIEWERS LEFT!!! Oh yeah, do you think (when my laptop's back) that I can write a tribute containing your info sometimes for a website dedicated to fanfics? I'm a writer there. and I may do one abot reviwers :) let me know through my email :D

Again, thanks :)

~Harumi

or aka, Youjin (real name XD)