I ran out of the building and followed the sound of the screaming and chanting. It was not the first time that they had been in Japan and I beat myself up again and again over the fact that I have never been able to see them live while many other fans are able to fly all the way from their own countries just to watch them perform here. 

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT," said a smooth melodic voice which I guessed was Jaejoong's. It had really been a long time I last heard their voices and now they came as refreshing ripples to my ears. 

As I was running, I was hit by a realization that though they say that they love their fans, they don't know every one by name, do they? So to them, we are merely a sea of faces eager to hear their songs and watch them dance their hearts out. I don't think they'd ever look one person (especially if it was me) in the eye from the stage. This made my heart sink because even if I did see them, I'd be no different from the rest of the fans in their eyes. I just wanted to ask them an important question, though a part of me also wants to get to know them, and for them to know me by name as an existing person. Still, my legs kept on running just to get one last glimpse and give my plan a try. 

I had nothing more to lose anyway. 

The cheering grew louder as I entered one of the main streets. Around 10 blocks from where I was standing, they were there though I couldn't see them very well through the jungle of fans which stretched all the way out to fill the whole of those 10 blocks. 

Phew. Time to get started. 

Their last song began to play as I squeezed my way through the crowd, and got my stomach elbowed and my foot stepped on along the way. So this was how it was like being in one of these crowds. No wonder my parents didn't want me to go to any concerts. But then again, they didn't want me to go anywhere at all. I took a look at the three guys clad in pure white and looking like angels. The gods of the east had not faded in the least, I thought to myself. The sad thing was that there were only three of them: Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Junsu. Either way, I felt my heart leap at the sight. It was actually them. In the flesh for the very first time. However, I noticed Junsu looked different. He was still his normal happy passionate self but he... he wasn't glowing like he used to? Maybe it was because they were singing a ballad, but even then, he would always have some kind of strong cheery aura. Today, it was missing. When he smiled, the girls went wild but to me it looked less genuine than usual. I wonder what was bothering him?

After what felt like forever, I finally got past the middle area of the crowd just as they started saying their goodbyes and thank yous. It was even wilder in that part because everyone was jumping and trying to get over the railing while the bouncers held them back. And then after a second, they started going down the stage and into the van that was waiting for them. 

Shoot.

I made a run for it and screamed out, "YAMETE!!" No one paid mind to the girl trying to get past the crowd-- oh wait, all of them were doing the same thing. I'm not so sure though, but I could have sworn that I saw Junsu look back at the crowd, searching with a serious look (probably because I screamed out too loud in such a frantic painful manner?). With this crowd though, it was impossible for him to notice.

Our eyes met for a second. Or at least I thought that he was looking at me. Everything seemed to slow down but he smiled at my pale desperate face during that brief moment. A wave of hope flooded my being.

I wonder if he did it out of pity. I hope not. That's pretty much the last thing that I want. Well, it's better than nothing.

He gave the crowd a final wave and hopped (yes literally) into the van with Yoochun and Jaejoong, and they drove away. 

----------------- ------------------ ------------------ 

There were no more fans left on the street and I was now all alone. For such a huge crowd, they dispersed really quickly. But I couldn't stop thinking about Junsu's smile. I was sure that something was up.

I had to do something but I didn't know what or how. I was helpless and useless. I looked before me and saw that the stage and equipment was still there. There seemed to be no one else around besides a parked van and another really nice car beside it. I went closer.

This was the reason why I wanted to take my life. I had always dreamed of becoming a world-famous singer. Actually, watching THSK and their other colleagues encouraged me to do so. They were just so amazing to watch! My big problem is that I never had the guts to sing in front of other people, and I think my voice bad because it's nothing compared to those big celebrities that have had years of training. I didn't have money for training or anything like that. It was no use now anyway. 

I was also never the eye-catching type, and I tried my best to stay invisible by wearing boyish clothes instead of what most of my classmates usually wore which was the typical miniskirt and sweater with either heels, boots, or whatever, topped with around two layers of makeup. I hated makeup. This was why I had no hope at all in fulfilling my dream to become a singer. I didn't have the necessary qualities that I saw in most of the famous stars. 

Today, I was face to face with the stage and was going to try to overcome whatever fears I had before I died. Sigh. You only live once. 

I stepped onto the stage and held the microphone in my hands. Tap tap. To my dismay, it was still on. I just tried to pretend that it wasn't. As to why I was doing this even with my condition, it was probably my selfishness that wanted people to at least hear me without seeing for themselves. I pulled the microphone closer to my face, also in an attempt to cover it in case anyone were to come passing by. As the snowflakes fell and the sun went to sleep behind the mountains of clouds, I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes, and began to sing a song in Korean that I loved very much. My voice echoed past the buildings and the white streets that had been decorated with powder blue-colored Christmas lights. One by one, they lit up the city. It was nostalgic and it gave me the feeling that dreams could actually come true. Even for me.

"Even that time... when the wind stopped... was not enough for me... "

Ya, Junsu-yah, I was really happy today.

"A single smile... the last bow... I love you... you..."

Because I saw you and heard your voice live for the first and probably the last time before I left this world.

"Even if I became weary from that time... Even if I became hurt by love..."

You're such a happy fellow. I hope you stay happy forever.

"Even if that time was a memory for me... You're taking your last bow..."

You still have a whole life ahead of you and already you're living your dream. 

"Saranghamnida... Saranghamnida ahhh..."

I wish I could sing this song to you and you would listen.

"Fly away... fly away, love..."

But I am but a raindrop in the ocean.

"Fly away... fly away, love..."

Our worlds are not meant to collide, I guess. And singing on this stage where you sang is probably the closest I can ever get to you. 

"Fly away... fly away, love..."

But I need to make another chance come my way. 

"Fly away... fly away, love..."

I need you to see me and at least know that I exist, before it is erased forever.

But I will be immortal in your heart as the girl who never gave up. I want to be someone who never gives up. And I need to ask yo--

I opened my eyes and blinked in a mixture of shock and surprise. I couldn't move my feet and my mouth hung half open as if paralyzed.

The horror.

There was someone standing in front of the stage watching me sing.